JONNY & LUCY: KIRKLAND CAR

 

Jaleel White: okay next question in our Fast Flips Round, which is the whinier music: that '80s Rambo NES video game, or anything by Guns N Roses?

Lucy: think about this one, honey. think about our wedding song.

Jonny: right. you said "November Rain" was so played-out. 

Lucy: and you said Rambo was your favorite Nintendo game. you said it reminded you of being at a WWI ballroom dancing with a gas mask on. even though Rambo is the Vietnam war.

Jaleel: you know you two as a couple have really won everyone here in the Flip Side audience over. you've won the country over, which is impossible in 2024. you've won the world over. really we're all just jealous of your love. you two have an energy, a vibe, this easy aura, that the rest of us will seek fruitlessly to find in our own lives till our dying day. how'd you two meet?

Lucy: Jonny reminded me of Craig from Kiss Me Kate...

Jonny: yeah. and we had a friend in our past who went crazy. but nobody wants to hear about that. nobody asked for that. don't want to dampen the love buzz.

Jaleel: hey Lucy, look at my lips. whenever a contestant gives a risque or ribald answer, i start moistening my lips like this, you like that?

Lucy: i mean it's just what Shaq does with his lips, right?

Jaleel: damn girl you tough.

Rublev at the mic at the presser shortly after his loss to Alcaraz: yeah but do you guys know about diarrhea? huh? DO YOU KNOW WHAT DIARRHEA IS!!!

Malice.

Aaron Sorkin: i write erotic thrillers?...

Aaron Sorkin: i can't write a steamy sex scene between Nicole Kidman and Alec Baldwin, Tom Cruise would kill me!!! Tom Cruise calls me on the telephone in the middle of the night when i'm praying by my bed. i dread 1 AM every night...

Alec Baldwin: it's okay, I am God, that's the same as Scientology, right?

Witches of Eastwick lawns...

Bebe Neuwirth: simple solution: ban all frats, make society a happy place again.

Alec: one of those tiny cantaloupe scoops...

Nicole Kidman: don't put a plastic bag over your head!!! i'm gonna speak to Jerry Brown about this.

Peter Gallagher: Nic is a modern '90s woman, she has a husband and a boyfriend. 

Martin Yan: and you thought Chinese food wasn't sexy.

Nicole Kidman: not a butt double...

peeping-tom boy: don't mind me watching your wife's naked butt, i'm lonely and trying to invent Vaporwave in my bedroom.

Bill Pullman: i'm supposed to be Armenian? the quarterback gave me a swirlie. our quarterback was Catherine Tate.

student Gwyneth Paltrow: i can't control the world. but i have found love on campus. my alarm clock plays Coldplay "Clocks"...

Bayer aspirin: for abdominal pain. torsed is fun to say.

Alec: i'm impervious to naked women. but not to bottles of apple cider.

computer: flying-toasters screensaver, toasters with angel wings, the '90s were innocent, not like the AI we have now.

Little Mermaid in the fishbowl.

Jen R: remember moccasins at St. Cyril's?

Alec at the Boston bar: this isn't a macabre conversation, this is just that Twilight Zone episode...

Massachusetts college town: so it's supposed to be Harvard For Women, right? not Radcliffe?...

frozen section: a medical procedure. also where the pizzas are kept at Safeway.

Alec: why am i watching Turbo Teen?...

Alec: i get it, church raffles give out those cool television sets with the wood paneling.

Bill: Mrs. Worthington, got any pancake syrup for the power outage?...

J Monday: a British tennis player. and Bond good guy.

4h of July at Costco: not as busy as Christmas at Costco, because nobody's around during summer...

Texas: the hub of cricket...

Japanese hot-dog eaters: we made this sport cool. what happened?...

dog days of summer: no longer the hot-dog days of summer...

stability: greater than greatness.

Uneven Edge: we're used to arrogant One Piece villains who go on forever, we watch a lot of Nitro Wrestling...

Videl: my shirt says FIGHT, not TIGHT.

Marco Rubio: i cheated...

Rachel Maddow: learn from me how to be a happy hermit...

Uranus and Neptune from Sailor Moon S: we're lesbians who go to church...

Adidas: providing the marijuana for the grassheads at Wimbledon.

Chemical Brothers "Galvanize": the official song of the Club World Cup...

Admiral Piett: it's not fair, the air in the Death Star was clean...

Sonay Kartal: being a bodybuilder has its advantages when you're trying to serve a tennis ball. you see why i do two sports? my boyfriend is the World's Strongest Man, he lives in Crete by a stone medicine ball. my husband is Karnov...

F1: all the drivers are 12 years old...

Jules Smith: apart from Tom Holland, i enjoy all Brits. i hate that little shit Spider-Man.

Everwood: the 2000s Wonder Years.

soccer: NOBODY wants Extra Time...

Jonny and Lucy are at home at the house after pocketing their prize money.

Lucy: let's celebrate in the bedroom with dried-flake potatoes and no condoms.

Jonny: but i thought you said we didn't want to have kids?

Lucy: life is too short to be alone. fuck me like a pincushion.

the fucking goes on for a long time in that bed.

Jonny: by my count you've bounced on my dick 50 times now. 

Lucy: isn't it hotter when the woman has LONG hair that flips up and down with the thrusting and thrashing?

Jonny: it takes two years for a woman to grow out hair long, right?

Lucy: this is why i liked you on our second date, you notice things.

Jonny: do you always leave the window open like that when we're fucking?

Lucy: just to let the air in. fresh air. it starts to get musty in here from the love juice.

a woman in a parked car at their lawn sidewalk is peeping-tomming through the large open bay window at the couple. she burns rubber speeding off after she looks at them looking at her.

Lucy: damn, that woman caught glimpse of my naked butt!!! hope she liked the view.

Jonny: we all know who that was. and by all i mean the two of us.

Lucy: yeah it had to be her, that was a Kirkland car.

Jonny: Kirkland makes cars, too? at Costco?