MATCH-GAME MANSION: COMFORTABLE CONVERSATION

 

Brett Somers: let's make amends.

Charles Nelson Reilly: i'll try if he tries. i'm exhausted, chick. well let's get a move on, hoity-toity!!!

Richard Dawson: alright look, see this glass goblet?

Charles: mmm, smells good. smells like New Orleans when it was still spicy. a blood-orange margarita?

Richard: no, it's tomato sauce, i'm English. 

Charles: you gentleman FUCKER.

Brett: let's try this: name one thing you like about Charles.

Richard: his ascot. now if you'll excuse me, i have to use the toidy.

Charles: i like that he looks like my father. my father rejected me at a young age, he put me on a tugboat with Donald Duck before enlisting in the Navy.

Theo Huxtable: life's not fair, dad.

Cliff Huxtable: i know, son. how the hell is Bill Cosby still alive? i lose BOTH sons?!!!

Theo: why didn't the Ugly Shirt save me? that shirt was meant to be a flotation device, right? a lifejacket?

Ozzy Osbourne: i had Parkinson's but i was lucid throughout. that is what reality shows were supposed to be, a quiet introspective look at a family surrounded by love. nice kitchen-table conversations, moments with the dog. none of this bachelors and islands and naked coconuts bollocks.

Sharon Osbourne: i lost my soulmate.

Raising Arizona.

John Lewis: hey Hi, try good trouble instead.

Hi: i would prefer not to.

John Lewis: there you go, boy, see? you're getting the hang of it already. your soul needs orange juice. if you're not uncomfortable, you're not living.

Frances McDormand: oh damn i used to actually be HOT!!!

Krista Catwood: i have the last Jem VHS cassette...

Woody Woodpecker, singing: it's the Woody Woodpecker Show. my laugh is truly the domain of the demented. look, we all hated Andy Kaufman, it's okay to admit it.

Leonard Smalls: you were about to eat that fly!!! i pinched it just in time, i saved your soul.

father: i really wasn't.

Smalls: i just Mr. Miyagi'd your ass.

Jen R: I DRIVE NAKED is lame. here, you can borrow one of my BABY ON BOARD octagons.

Nic Cage: i really wanted to be Bruce Lee.

tapette: small cassette.

Mondale/Ferraro: what could have been...

Richie Rich doing a robbery: got any more of those burlap sacks with the $ symbol on them? 

Nic Cage: before i fight i like to vomit. clears the sinuses. that was YOUR tooth.

father: you know, the Harley guy who looks like Ozzy Osbourne.

no questions asked: but for the reward money, we need a story.

Ed: if we don't have a kid, why would we stay together?...

Hi: oh it was such a lovely dream, an ethereal dream, high in the sky, one of those Terrence Malick dreams. wait, i can't play football. and that's just a random family enjoying their Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving... 

Coen Brothers: see? our style is DISTINCTIVE.........live-action Looney Tunes, it's all good.

dad: Beethoven banjo?

Leslie Sbrocco: strikes are scary, you never know how they're gonna turn out.

Monica Pro: and they might last for weeks.

Leslie: but i'm comforted knowing you're in charge of the workers' response.

Monica: see? i'm not really a boss, i'm one of you. 

Leslie: you're on our side. can i lick your side?

Monica: give me a boost on your shoulders, i'm gonna do a Sally Field.

Leslie: you don't have to ask me twice.

Monica hold up a sign which reads

ABBA > BEATLES

Nick Arcade: i mean what the hell are these weird dink video games supposed to be? why aren't the contestants recreating Mario Bros., Link and Ganon, Sonic on a date with Princess Peach...

Jen R: yes i'm a choke artist but i'm great under pressure...

me: it's Patti Smith & Mapplethorpe every time.

Bartleby, the Scrivener: it's not A Christmas Carol...

Watanabe: only the Pepsi-drinkers would have survived. that would have been kinda cool and quirky, right? a Michael Jackson '80s throwback. the cat was AI. Hapna was like Doan's.

Goku: Go KU. i like Kansas. but i honed my Kamehameha on the plains of Nebraska.

Shel Silverstein: i was in the band Toto...

Comcast: no, calm cats.

Greykid: only when the TV's working the COOL cable channels. Diana from Sailor Moon is not mine!!! she's cute tho. tomcats are everywhere, it's sad.

Pablo Torre: do you deserve your job? i'm the Ronan Farrow of sports.

tennis: should never be played next to Little League stands...

Sarah McLachlan: "Adia" is SLOW, man. "Adia" is a fucking SLOW song, man.

Larry from Three's Company: you know my secret with women? it's not vitality pills. it's coffee. Max-Pax coffee.

Manny Pacquiao: how can i get some of that coffee, Jack? i need to get my dopamine hit from caffeine, not boxing. i shouldn't be boxing nor running for the Philippines Senate, i'm too old for both. we need fresh new ideas...

the Nerd from Robot Chicken: i should just be grateful that my annoying mom is still middle-aged and healthy...

Tears For Fears "Woman In Chains"

well it's a world gone crazy, murder exchange

well i feel

deep in your heart there are wounds time can't heal

says Kool Moe Dee

Gene Rayburn picks his mic up and proceeds with the lunacy.

Gene Rayburn: this microphone is skinnier than my tie. i have the worst sunburn on my neck. next question: BLANK September. 

Richard Dawson: pregnant September. 

Charles Nelson Reilly: cue the porno thinking music.

Gene: BLANK rib.

Richard: not prime rib in this Carter Recession. 

Charles: and i'm not talking about the recession during Carter's funeral.

Gene: why does the audience boo all the time? why are our audiences so mean? why? because they are free. and that is why i love this country so. you know people think we ply the celebrities with booze and liquor right before the show, but actually we ply the AUDIENCE with booze and liquor...

Brett Somers: Gene, before we start the next card, can we have a moment of silence for my friend and yours Fannie Flagg? well she's just the sweetest little Southern-belle Little Miss Ginger thing, my best friend, my only friend, the only woman who will talk to me. she's got a fanny tight as an Alabama snare drum, i see it every day from the top row. she's having surgery this week, that's why she's not here. i'm getting the vapors in stress over her.

Richard: she drank the Kool-Aid on you, the Kool-Aid you serve with those pork cutlets that are so vinegary they made me belch. that Kool-Aid pork made my butt clench harder than Fannie's butt. 

Gene: aw, sure. everyone in the audience, and the celebrity dingbats upstairs and downstairs, let's everyone come together for this one thing. only prayer can bring this country together.

Charles: only A prayer can save this country... 

Gene: Fannie Flagg is getting surgery to reduce her breast size so she can better fit into her sweaters, so it'll be easier to read the funny messages on her sweaters.

everyone in the crowd and on stage on the panel and the two contestants wearing housecoats all bow their heads and stay silent for 30 minutes...