MACY'S IN THE '80s: GHOSTING IS SO LAME

 

me: i'm scared to go into Macy's again.

Jen R: i'll hold your hand.

me: forever?

Jen: through it.

me: this is the most important purchase of my life.

Jen: now wait, remember, i'm a simple girl, no gaudy jewelry unless it's antique kitsch, no baubles unless they're Liza's, no rings.

me: are there rings other than diamond rings?...

Videl from behind the counter: i was the woman who got you to respect women. i went up against a man in a BRUTAL fight. i did not get any of my courage from my father Satan...

Jen: so what'd you get?

i take a fuzzy purple ringbox out and snap it like Richard Gere.

Jen: the fuck, man. do you have nine nails in your head?

me: open it.

Jen: don't snap at me.

it's not a ring. per se. it's a crumpled-up plane ticket in the shape of a ring.

Jen: one-way ticket to Baltimore. huh.

me: it's an existential question: when is it not stalking?

Jen: when it's in a Hallmark Movie and you're a handsome man who's a beekeeper. then following the woman to Lancaster, Pennsylvania, is romantic.

Jen: wait, you're not then also gonna do the second-box cliche, are you?

me: this is ME here. the writer, remember?

i pull out a second ringbox from my back buttpocket. 

Jen: i am digging the Vaporwave lush, i'm sleeping in this crushed velvet. this one is a ring-shaped piece of paper that's not laminated. a.........bank note?

me: read the balance on my account.

Jen: $150,000?!!! must be a typo.

me: it is. a painful typo. a crushing computer glitch.

Jen: shame, i like rich men.

me: i now know how it feels to be Melissa Maker, just for one day...

Tim Robbins on the SNL set at the Goodbyes: i couldn't care less that Sinead O'Connor just ripped the Pope's pic in half, i'm staring at a woman in the audience who is my wife. SOMEHOW my wife is fucking Susan Sarandon!!! i'm trying to figure this out...

around the mall at all the obscure boutique niche shoppes outside with blue rope bordering their windows you don't notice passing on your way to a giant pretzel that makes you salt-sick later:

Sailor Moon S: Tokyo, otherwise known as San Francisco...

Red Dwarf: the next thing will come when the next Zelda thing comes...

Nintendo GameCube: the games weren't great but the cube shape was cool.

Macintosh: ...

Cameron Mathison: i have a degree in civil engineering.........you believe that, right? from Berkeley. i use my degree to host a bridge game-show. isn't a truss a girdle?...

Monica Pro: what are you doing?

Leslie Sbrocco: i applied for the job. stockboy at Safeway. you have to train me now, i'm UNDER you...

Monica: do not walk behind me when i'm in the freezer aisle.

Betsy McCloud: Brewster McCloud's mother.

me: celebrating the red, white, and blue?

Jen: not anymore in this world. just blue. as in i'm drinking a big cube-shaped bottle of blue GIN to celebrate still being alive with Sjogren's.

Jen: but why are you so perberbed all the time? you're always agitated.

me: if you had stuck around and not ghosted me the rest of my life i'd be quite sanguine today. as long as you're around, i have no problems. as long as we're texting about the '70s and raw milk in a copper can, i am properly saturated.

Jen: one evening at the Colonnade...

me: now tho, i'm just waiting to die. but i have 20 more years to live. so it's a long wait. how should i fill the time?...

Jen: that's a LOT of dead-air time...

Valley Girls: it's just called The Galleria...

Lucio: i was your best friend because i was lucid...

Dalai Lama: my successor is Gregg Popovich. okay? so don't take away his extended-absence wins, that's why he was away.

Super Mario in a greasy apron in the dark underground neon-lit Ameci Pizza mall-box at the Sherman Oaks Galleria food court: meat sauce, when you want to turn your spaghetti into lasagna...

Jen Pizarro: my tits are oval, like your Ned's thermos...

Jeff Baena: why didn't Sailor Pluto stop time and save me?

Aubrey Plaza: you got into anime too late in life...

Nobodyman: i hung up on a girl, now i'm hung up on a girl...

Chris Hardwick: see Singled Out was such a FILTHY immoral show, i had to do The Wall to give back to society, to return niceness, charity both meanings, and good works to the world. Lenny Dykstra, my favorite baseball player, was the first The Dude and the first man to listen to Nine Inch Nails. cosplay is a losing battle...

StaceyRPG: i make you feel old. i genuinely have no idea who U2 are. not to mention Nirvana. Crossfit is a Ponzi scheme, it's just volleyball...

strawberries-and-cream sandwiches: yeah Japan already did this in the '80s. at the British Macy's which has food...

Dave Parker: your first Pirate. and your first Ghostbuster.

triangle (musical instrument): best as Zelda music...

Lex Luthor: with this bald head, i would never have scored on Skins...

Jimmy Somerville: i'm not the "Never Gonna Give You Up" guy...

me: are you ready to fight for us?

Jen R: no. 

me: i am.

Jen: but why are you so drawn to me?

me: i love you.

Jen: are you sure it has nothing to do with that one time in passing when i mentioned that i like to be choked during sex?

me: .........i mean.........i've thought about it.........but how would that work? you know? how could that be implemented safely? it's just too dangerous to pull off.

Jen: yeah you're right. forget i said anything.