JONNY & LUCY: TIC TAC-STOCK

 

Jen R flies through the window in a Superman pose, her fingers in two clasped triangles poke Lucy in the nose on her way in.

Jen: Jonny is MINE, bitch. i'm the crazy friend.

Jonny: not cool, dude.

Jen: she's disfigured now.

Lucy: no i'm not, it's just a little tender.

Jonny: besides, it's not her looks which drew me to Lucy like a magnet.

Jen: huh? but you're a guy.

Jonny: it's something else, something mysterious...

Lucy: wait how the fuck can you FLY?!!!

Jen: witch powder. i snort it like people snorted Tang in the '80s.

Gladyce: remember us?

Doryce: Jen stole it from under my left tit while i was sleeping. Glad let it slide with her broom because Jen gives crazy women like us a bad name.

Coldplay: not cosplay. come on, we gotta be cooler than cosplay!!!

Malice.

Tobin Bell: i can't smile right. that's my mother's hair. she's not alive anymore. she became Batwoman. my landlady's putting me in a tight spot. my landlady is my mother.

Bill Pullman: that second and a half was the happiest moment of my life.

Bebe Neuwirth in a THICK Boston accent: come on, professor, i'm sure you fuck better than that. give yourself credit, extra credit.

Horshack: here's my card. i've saved a window-ledge jumper or two...

Jen R: "reamed," that was a word ONLY heard in the '90s...

Nicole Kidman: my favorite Boston Celtic is Jimmy Fallon.

Peter Gallagher: what the hell happened to your face?

Bill: serial-rapist sidestory, no idea why we had to do that.

mother: Gordon Ramsay is a handsome hunk of a man, but i threw him out when he brought English scotch. there is only Scottish scotch. i haven't had single-malt scotch since '69 when i was Anne Bancroft and my husband was Frank Sinatra...

Anne: pick a card.

Bill: these are fig newtons.

Jen: you can buy a nice tub of Dubble Bubble with $200.

Anne Bancroft: and THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how you earn an Oscar for guest role!!!

Bill: may i speak with your manager?

slacker: bro i'm Spike Jonze.

Jen: those '90s movies with the twist, everyone had to keep it a secret on the drive home in the rain, not tell anybody in their house...

Bill: wait, the Munsters house?

Robert De Niro: that's Cape Fear...

Jim Cantore: that's a LOT of rain.

Degas: creepy crepe Leave It to Beaver housewife face?...

Bill: i feel so small right now. can i just live under the stairs here?

Ms. Krause: whom.

Tom Cruise: wait, this is the exact Days of Thunder sex scene banging Nic against the door...

Jen: nylon foot rubbing up against the leg wearing a loafer and argyle sock, always does the trick. it's very dog.

10-year-old boy: yeah but the thing is i don't remember stuff. only my John McEnroe tennis cards.

Bill: i want Bob Costas to play for the Red Sox.

calling it before i see it: Bebe Neuwirth is in the boy's room with a smile and a pair of cuffs she dangles in Nic's face.

Nic: STAY BACK!!! this CPR dummy is a lethal weapon!!! let me give you a last hug while we're on the floor/ground here, we were married once you know...

Nic: they make those blind canes for kids?

Bebe: so we're a couple now?

Bill: yeah. wear that Nurse Ratched nurse-hat at all times.

Brian Griffin emerges from his time machine having come from the '80s.

Brian Griffin: greetings from the distant past!!! i looked cooler than this but my purple Back to the Future yellow-Venetian-blinds sunglasses got stolen by the me that became a maid. i hear a young lady around here is in need of a back realignment?

Jonny: oh brother.

Lucy: yeah my back is killing me after that marathon fucking.

Brian: do tell. me more. enchante.

Lucy: is there medicine after sex?

Brian: Doan's. everyone forgets about Doan's. Doan's cured all backs in the '80s. and then afterwards you'd treat your father to a Filet-O-Fish at McDonald's. Doan's and Filet-O-Fish kept the doctor away. 

Tom Hanks: maybe Tom Hanks was there dipping some Chicken McNuggets in some amber sauce.

Brian: small request?

Jonny: shoot. i go with the flow. i fop with the breeze.

Brian: that's easy to do when you got Lucy. not everybody has a Lucy. my tail is killing me. i've never actually taken Doan's, i don't know how it tastes, can i?...

Jen: it tastes like Vanquish...

Barbarino: i wear the johnny hospital gown...

My So-Called Life: even the DAD wore plaid...

Dupuytren's contracture: the best option is surgery.

Gargamel: wish somebody would have told me that in Medieval times. i used black magic. now my fingers are two permanent balls of cat yarn for Azrael to play with. i had the fastest fingers since Merlin...

Azrael the cat: now your fingers are meow.

Raul De Molina: i'm taking the WHOLE fucking summer off. i don't give two shits about the show. dos cabrón. El Gordo y La Flaca is a circus of clown questions, bro. my own priest calls me vato. confession: i'm Spanish but my priest isn't Catholic. my own mother calls me a fatty.

Safeway: a hive of scum and villainy. and covid.

me: are you spacey or do you hate me?

Jen R: i don't know...

Peter, Paul and Mary: America's babysitter...

folk music: ends wars.

John Strong: i took a redeye from Mexico to Switzerland, this soccer shit never ends. i ate the last Choco Taco on the plane...

Tom Amandes: if i wasn't an actor, i'd be a creep, and you're jealous of that.

Amadeus: ...

Maiara Walsh: i lead a normal life. i am literally unobtainable but i lead a normal life, as seen through my Instagram. everyone witnesses their life's purpose through the serrated jungle palms of Rio, Brazil. don't let that scare you out of pursuing a plan, no peyote required.

porn: it's cheating. it's the reward without doing the work. it's sex without the years of long walks getting to know the person. years of paying for zoo trips to see that walrus she can't get enough of, the walrus she's enamored with.

Jen R: okay okay i'm sorry, i'm really not like that, i'm calm and fun. i must have taken some stuff. must have been all that witch powder i snorted. let me make it up to you guys.

Lucy: i like music.

Jonny: that's a clue.

Jen: you do? of course you do. great!!! i just so happen to have these tickets i pocketed to the concert later this afternoon when it's gonna be 100 degrees!!! yeah, won a concert off some Tic Tacs i was sucking. Tic Tacs concert contest, just peel the label. i go through twenty plastic boxes of Tic Tacs a day. my dentist says it's not technically candy, they're a dental tool.

Brian, reading: Queens of the Stone Age? studious sigh.

Jen: why you gotta be so literary? 

Brian: it's just, Queen okay, Queensryche even danker. Queens of the Stone Age are.........just above bad.

Anthony Bourdain: tell me about it. and you don't have to listen to the songs Josh Homme considers BAD in my garage!!!...