RED GUNDAM: OLDTYPES EAT APPLES

 

at Tokyo Con 1985, those world travelers who snatched a coveted ticket were grateful, they knew this was a big deal as the first true convention dedicated to anime was about to commence. 

Katharine: Katharine is a man's name, right?

Lux: sure. you're Japanese, right?

Katharine: i think. i'm drawn weird. i have big eyes.

Lux: think of me as Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons but from Luxembourg. that's the new wave of anime now: collaboration between three countries.

Katharine Hepburn: stand at attention, you sad sexless imbeciles.

Lux: you see this MASSIVELY GIANT BIG Gundam robot with a laser-gun in the middle of the hall here?

Katharine: it is simply my life's work. my life's purpose. the only thing that matters. wait is a red Gundam rare?

Melissa Maker: it is if it's Cadillac red.

Katharine: hey is Katharine a man's name?

Jen R: only if it's Catherine from Beauty and the Beast, that '80s live-action.

me: she would later pack a gun from the future...

packie: why J.Lo divorced Ben again...

Heavy Traffic.

Homer Simpson: not about me...

Ralph Bakshi: the same pinball machine used for the Pointer Sisters 123456789-10-11-12 Sesame Street song...

Ralph Bakshi: so this is the good parts of Tommy with if Welcome Back, Kotter was on HBO...

Charles Nelson Reilly: listen very carefully to this film, this film sounds like me...

Fannie Flagg: yeah and i'm in it too for some reason.

Deep Throat: the last porno film. and the last film in big black letters on a white matinee box.

thug: i'm respected in this neighborhood. good thing i was wearing my Spider-Man underwear. 

cartoonist: too early for breakfast, ma. cartoonists eat breakfast at 5 PM at Jack In The Box.

ma: it's the '70s in NYC so you better have your blackout candles.

Jen R: a housewife's ultimate weapon: the frying pan.

Seinfeld: Jewish virgins are more common than you'd think.

Michael: omg it's Bird Man from Hey Arnold!!!

ain't there: God knows this.

Crazy Moe: you look handsome and sharp today, Michael. midnight-blue heavy coat with the beige bellbottoms, you going on Match Game '74?

Shirley: no wonder you're a virgin, kid, you don't know how to unhook a bra.

Clark Gable: the only reason i'm in THIS Jean Harlow picture is i eat dinner at 5...

Jen R: the '70s in NYC, the last place to watch Pre-Code B&W films in a theater...

Michael: no way, dirty rooftop mattress, Pippi Longstocking, no way.

Newt Gingrich: photo hanging of Newt Gingrich smoking a cig?...

Carol Burnett at the bar without a mop.

Carole: LOW-rise jeans.

Shorty: Vietnam turned me into Tony Hawk...

Mick Jagger: stick with the French postcards, kid, trust me.

George HW Bush wedding photo?...

pa: i'm cheating on your mother with Blondie Dagwood's wife!!! a real '20s dame!!! i had to do it.

godfather: i ain't moving the olive oil too good. Popeye's goil packs a punch. she slapped my nose so hard it fell off.

pa: i'm a unionbuster. work is good for the soul. listen to me, pay attention to me, i'm important, i'm a fat Inspector Gadget. olive oil gives me the gloopy runs.

Alfred Hitchcock: watch out, the steering wheel renders you alive but everyone thinks you're dead...

Mr. Magoo: religion sells!!! look at The Chosen!!! look at Yellowstone!!!

Michael: these are the storyboards for Wizards. too dark? okay make God less horny and call it Adventure Time...

Baltimore: where everyone has a wife.

Jen R: except apparently you...

dad: classical music classes up any joint, even urinals.

cardinals: i know we're in the back buttpocket of the mafia, but when did we start wearing red hoods?...

Disneyland: yeah we did a World of Tomorrow thing with Vaporwave hula hoops a decade before TRON...

Twitch: i mean paying for the catbed okay, but a house payment? A HOUSE PAYMENT?!!!

Hotels.com bell mascot: we need GEICO money. we need a BRITISH mascot.

Jules Smith: ...

Nickelodeon game shows in the '90s: we made history fun. 

Legends of the Hidden Temple boy/girl team: T-shirts will never be this colorful again. we're each gonna get our first kiss by kissing the other in a Sbarro bathroom.

Florida mall: only if your backpack is Eastpak.

'90s vacations: the international entertainment at The Bahamas was superb. and the blue tennis courts sparkled.

Frances Tiafoe: Ben Shelton stole my life...

Dr. Shannon Klingman: so i'm the Lume Lady. yeah. but i'm not clingy. my voice sounds clingy because i blast you with a million commercials, but the only thing clingy is your pits and your pussy when it sweats, so use my soap foam.

Dirg: i dare you to write I love you in the Instagram comments.

Michael Weiss: i've done this...

Iga Swiatek: the popping of champagne bottles DURING a tennis point is a new experience. i got a champagne cork in my ear.

Jen R: the sound of bubbly flowing hits your eardrums like a dream as you smash...

StaceyRPG: the "Hello hello hello how low?" refrain in "Smells Like Teen Spirit" is Kurt sounding all like, "yeah, whatever."

Kurt Cobain: very perceptive. it takes years of practice to sound bored.

Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Geronimo: i mocked with my moccasins.

Father Navin: you threw your shoe at me at the St. Cyril's potluck.

the interstitial break music: breakdance music.

Kirk Fogg: not cool to subject 11-year-olds to jump scares with the Temple Guards giving young people heart attacks. 

Olmec: the Temple Guards then kidnapped the kids!!!

shame: heals a cough more than cough syrup.

beyond lucid: a tech-savvy grandma.

Steven Spielberg: okay Jaws remake: i'm the captain, Richard Dreyfuss is still Richard Dreyfuss, and Roy Scheider's part is Timothee Chalamet or we don't get the funding...

Jannik Sinner: i'll put it this way: my favorite drink is Baja Blast at the Taco Bell on the rocks with the seals. that one Seal with rock trying to make a comeback. no steroids on the speedboat. my brother is Gordon Ramsay...

Wiffle Ball: just another excuse to drink beer from a long flute in a hot tub behind home plate.

ESPN The Ocho at the Mid Valley YMCA in Van Nuys: too bad pushups and pullups don't have their own professional sports league...

Katharine: hey, no climbing on the Gundam. Gundam is serious, not for little kids, for serious students of literature only.

Katz: get your dick out your ear and relax, mister, lighten up, this ain't a Safeway. 

Katharine: thank you for calling me a man. what's with your beady eyes? you look like Linus from Charlie Brown.

Katz: blame my mom. and the animators. isn't this a swell Gundam, mister? it has turn signals on either side of its butt when it's in space to avoid accidents. hey why are you always biting your thumb all the time? are you the reincarnation of Amuro Ray?

Katharine: no, i just have an itchy trigger finger...