MOTHER SAUCE: SWAN DOUGH

 

Julia Child takes me to the pond, as she's been doing every afternoon for some time now.

me: isn't this when your show is on?

Julia Child: the PBS offices are hell at 11 AM. you gotta watch it here, the swans are pretty but they bite. swans have TEETH. they run like Usain Bolt on the surface of the water. swan feathers are useless, Natalie Portman used up all the magic in the world.

me: at least there's still Storybook International. you have the weirdest soothing voice of all time. 

Julia: i'm just a lady from Pasadena trying to affect a British accent.

me: your voice helped me through some tough times, got me outta jams.

Julia: you feed the swans bread, gotta keep my fingers from becoming overripe bananas, young man.

me: oh right, this is the '80s, we still don't know...

as i launch an old crust of bread at the swans' BRIGHT-orange beaks, Julia goes crazy.

Julia: DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!! THE SWANS WILL EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!

instead, upon beak-nibbling the bread the swans turn into swan dough swimming gracefully like a ballerina on the mirror surface of the pond.

Julia: the dough is already malleable from the salt. okay this helps us, we're one-up on that panty-sniffer Jacques Pepin, he has to carve swan garnishes out of carrots with a paring knife or some shit, we can simply slide these swan baguettes into my oven.

Chad Reynolds: Melissa Maker dumped me, now that is a country song...

Rock & Rule.

Mok Swagger: i look like Diamante from One Piece. what villain says thank you?...

Mick Jagger: i almost became a monk.

Goofy: my son Max is all grown up and fucking!!!

skinny apocalyptic rat Stretch: this is the opening scene of Night of the Comet with the arcade cabinet...

Max: girl i love your nose hair. go ahead, cut the power, my songs are better acoustic.

Don Bluth: THIS is what i wanted An American Tail to be. damn you, Disney.

Arthur: there was no sex in that car, the car had a jumpy axle...

Jen R: i have everything i need right here.

me: why are you pointing to your knee?

Omar: rude boy? that's rude. i don't play ska.

Mok: my butlers wear rollerskates because i long for the 1950s again. sorry about my mouth, i haven't been to the dentist since i was a child, my original birth name was Molar, mom was a kidder.

Edison ball: Thomas Edison was a notorious catatonic.

Fat One: like my tricep tattoo of the first Netscape logo?...

Mok: do you know why Weezer made it big? they sold their souls to Satan.

Omar: in fairness, the Vitruvian Man David Bowie here is kinda hypnotic.

Fat One: so our car is the Monopoly car?...

Nuke York: it wasn't Canada...

Legal: you can't say on TV your home is the best.

Mok: i live in my concert hall, the Garden of Eden has fleas...

Annie Adamson: i do tattoos the right way: no bare tits, no mermaid tails, no cracked hearts, no names in cursive, just Papa Smurf with a mohawk on a skateboard.

Popeye: my pegleg is Cupid's arrow...

Angel: i just wanna put on my Kiss makeup, dance in a neat Rotoscope way, and gyrate my ass of its own volition.

Cindy: i fart light.

Lindy Lenz: Cindy is short for Cinderella...

Mok: i like my women Cryptkeeper.

Omar: it's okay, babe, i like being Lion-O.

power surge: a good power outage...

Lisa Turtle: like what am i doing here?

earthquake: no, anything but the alabaster statue of the lead singer of Blue Oyster Cult!!!

Angel: just fingering "O Christmas Tree" on the ol' piano...

Robert Crumb: i would have had the moose with the antlers in the O Canada coat the main character...

Bagel Bakery: there's always an emergency, we're closed from like 10 AM-1 PM each day...

Julia Child: you'll live in my kitchen soon enough like the rest, but i really want you to stretch your legs and experience the kitchen that is the SKY outside.

me: i want to learn all your kitchen secrets, because those are life secrets, too.

Julia: not really, i cook alone, that's a terrible way to be in life. the quiet will drive you mad.

me: where's your husband?

Julia: he ran away with Meryl Streep. pizza bites.

me: no it doesn't, pizza is good.

Julia: i know, pizza bites are good.

Melissa Maker: here's a bright idea, Bagel Bakery, OPEN AT NIGHT!!! people eat bagels at night. people eat bagels for dinner. a little steak tartare and sour cream on that bagel...

Anthony Bourdain standing by a stool-table at a Carmel microbrewery the size of a shoebox: guys what are we doing here...

Julia Child: what are these HIGH stool-tables at pubs for?

Anthony Bourdain: for insecure men to rest their dicks.

Thumbelina: it's hard to reach me.

me: because you're so small?

Thumbelina: because i live in Colombia.

me: i mean even if you lived in Columbia University you'd be too far away from me on the East Coast...

Tom Izzo: what do you call that period of time in the fourth quarter when the team starts fouling and it's just free throws and fouls for the final minute of a college basketball game?

James Naismith: that time period when the game was still pure...

Vault Boy: take it from me, we are in the last quarter...

Charles Barkley: i call it giving fouls their flowers.

pee: it smells like graham crackers.

Thumbelina: now whenever i hear rumbling i don't turn my shoulder for the rolling thunder, i turn my shoulder for the flashback on Lost...

Keanu Reeves: i'm playing Trent Reznor in the Lifetime Movie...

Buddhism: rubbing the rim just right.

Melissa Maker: the tiny curved bumpy pickles in a charcuterie are the most expensive.

Chad: symbolic of our marriage. and phallic.

Matt in Mattmobile: I'M BURNING RUBBER cutting through the Safeway parking lot!!!.........relax, it's the morning, no cars...

Patrick at Safeway: i'm the Curly of the staff. i work the Self-Checkout, it's nice, i help many a young single lady jogger in lycra pants push the button for her cottage cheese.

dem sticks: incense.

Julia Pott: Ricky Ullman and i as a couple, our wedding, our marriage, our kid, you see these things on Facebook, but these things are misty things of distant withering magic out of your reach.

Ricky Ullman: that kid can fly...

Morpheus: Morpheus doesn't have sex. sex is Morpheus's Vietnam...

severe letter: in between hot letter and push send.

Abraham Lincoln: ...

sexfold: six times.........fold a paper...

Senor Pink: i married Pippi Longstocking.

Russian: ...

Gimlet: am i the first baby ever named after an alcoholic drink?

Shirley Temple: ...

me: let's date to show the world Canada and the U.S. can still get along.

Melissa Maker: nah, that would just give in to all the 1984 stuff.

Ikari Warriors: Patrick Lavender...

Crying Freeman: Archer in Hong Kong...

the Grizz: we're never called the Grizzlies.

Instagram: for women with a kid who are looking to divorce this week...

Boc: two more days till April.

'90s pilgrim: you gotta go outside, bro. leave the messageboards and go for a walk...

new bat: the Yankees will torpedo the Dodgers' starting pitching this year.

Clayton Kershaw: this year? any year. i'm not good in the postseason...

Kevin Conroy: the old Bat was better.

Julia Child sees me crying by the pond.

Julia Child: you're crying by the pound. crying is good. i cry when Mister Rogers combs his hair. but crying all the time will leave a permanent lump in your throat.

me: i'm an emotional man.

Julia: do you want a carrot down your throat the rest of your life? you weren't taught the right things, young man. 

me: you mean life has nothing to do with math?

Julia: when you first leave for college, when you go away to university, the first time you're away from your parents in your life, AWAY is the key word. you can NEVER let that one opportunity get away from you. you must SEIZE that singular shot for all it is worth. like a Caesar salad. or you'll end up with seizures at your parents' house on your Christmas break. 

me: is holiday Christmas or summer?

Julia: you can NEVER go back to your parents AGAIN. you can NEVER go back to the old house.

Morrissey: ...

Julia: that is the ONLY way to ensure you'll end up a TRUE PERSON. a human being who is FREE, free to wake up late to read a Thrasher magazine or at 4 AM to type something on the computer in silence. who gets his own place, who has to sell his body in a ginnel but at least he's making rent, who has a car!!! boy you will never get a wife unless you have a CAR!!! this is coming from someone how used to nick car boots for a living.

 

TWO LOSERS TOGETHER: SYLUX

 

 

Thumbelina: you hear that boom on the roof? 

Sylux lands on our roof with a thud.

Sylux: omg there is no much JUNK on your roof!!!

me: really? i don't notice such things.

Sylux: yeah, man, tons of plastic baggies and broken-off clothes hangers and one page of comix. and a golf club.

Thumbelina: i never got into golf, the hole scares me.

Sylux vacuums all the trash off our roof with her vacuum arm.

Thumbelina: watch out with that gun, i could trip and fall right into your hole.

Sylux: that gun is my arm. you'd be trapped inside my arm forever. not a quiet place to lay down and sleep.

me: it's lie, don't lie. you're the villain, right? laser space guns are cool.

Thumbelina: gunholes, what are they good for?...

Sylux: it's a gun, not a stylus. people don't realize all the garbage that's on their roof. i saw your junk from space. it was space junk.

Thumbelina: nice suit of armor, babe!!! nice sleek shiny bodysuit. are you man or machine? 

Sylux: i'm a woman. this isn't a suit, it's my clothes. i mean i guess i'm nearer to a Transformer.

Thumbelina: are you feeling okay, babe? woman-to-woman intuition.

Sylux: i don't wanna be a workaholic like my sister Samus Aran. i want a family.

Samus Aran: i get the mission done. i'm single by choice. i could have any man out here, any man in space. my voice sounds like if Mary Elizabeth McGlynn had a Japanese accent...

Thumbelina: we were just woolgathering such things, right babe?

me: yeah. the conundrum of living alone.

Sylux: it's impossible. take it from me, i go on missions in space, i know about a living space. people want a quiet house but a house has at least a couple of people in there with you, you can't afford to be in a house by yourself, no one can. you're gonna have to learn to live with others.

Stephen A. Smith: Pete Hegseth is a drunk. that's why he hosted the WEEKEND show...

Melissa Maker: but the chase IS fun...

Jackie Fitzgerald: I'm a 63-year-old woman, i'm going to Cabo for Spring Break for the first time in my life, you see what i mean?...

Blond Rambo: she's taking her bikini.

Jackie: everyone thinks i'm your grandma when we're on the beach and i'm wearing this blue-grey bucket hat.

Blond Rambo: and you're ambling around the sand like you have a pronounced limp or something...

Diane Ackerman: i'm Cher if she had become a poet...

Thumbelina: the Lost ending could have been better, you know?

me: the writers were criticized for injecting religion into a secular sci-fi show. 

Thumbelina: why did the plane have to crash? if the plane merely LANDED on the Island, you wouldn't need it to be Purgatory, this could have remained a nice epic story about timelines and time travel. 

me: i haven't thought about Lost stuff for two decades. i'm forming new Lost theories as you speak!!!

Thumbelina: poor Jack is stuck on the Island being its guardian. as the plane arrives and departs with new souls who have to meet each other unnaturally. no need for a crash.

me: holy shit!!! i just realized i missed watching MANY Lost things!!! all the Missing Pieces webisodes, i never saw any of them, i never had abc.com.

Thumbelina: there's a whole other epilogue!!! The New Man in Charge.

me: let's watch all this stuff!!! it's new Lost goodness!!! it's like if Severance was on now...

Thumbelina: i guess this means like Jack you're stuck with me for a couple more dates...

me: it seems i got the sweet end.

Sarah: that's when you know you have a good life, when you leave the front door and bathroom window unlocked because you have somewhere to be at 9 AM in the morning: a going-away party at Denny's.

Michael Weiss: don't be on Instagram the rest of your life, that means you LOST...

THE HOME DEPOT GRAND OPENING!!! ON SEASIDE STREET!!! SPAGHETTI DINNER AT 6 OPEN TO THE PUBLIC!!!

me: the stuff i write on a blog is not meant to be sponsored...

Stat Boy: i haven't been around Around the Horn lately because i'm looking for a job...

PG&E: the power went out. it's 100-degree heat, the grid couldn't take it...

me: i have only BEGUN to fight!!!

Jen R: okay but it's gonna be a wait. i'll be back on Instagram in 2 years. not for you. for my art. my pencil-sketch art.

me: Jen look, i'm at the Brewster McCloud spot, that's OUR Brewster McCloud spot. but at 3 PM. it's 3 PM, Jen!!! 3 PM is a weird vibe...

Mary Magdalene: there is something worse than being a prostitute.

The Whore of Babylon: being a whore for free...

Jen R: the couple that goes on a game show together stays together.

me: Flip Side got wacky.

Jen R: a crying baby? but what if it's YOUR crying baby? a second scoop of cold pasta is a GOOD thing.

Melissa Maker: but you have to stay on Instagram A LONG-ASS TIME in case there's a romantic possibility in the far future...

cyberpunk: it's not just swimming around in 100 black bags of garbage on the street.

William Gibson: ...

woman who eventually takes off her glasses: i'll pull up the file on Martin Yan, he's the head of the 108 Dragons...

Crying Freeman: the coolest computer mouse was the first computer mouse...

Steve Jobs: NOOOOO!!! the coolest computer mouse was the Macintosh 128K mouse!!!

meetings: just a way to get to lunch.

ABBA: we sing the Red Dwarf theme song...

me: what is Heaven if not cuddling with Jen Reynolds?

Jen R: Heaven ain't a bed of clouds.

Dirg: it's kinda fun to hit on women on Instagram whom you have 0% chance of getting. break the cardinal rule, ask them out on a date in the comments...

Melissa Maker: MMM.

me: MMMM, Melissa Maker Morning Meditations.

Melissa Maker: MMM, Melissa Maker Mess, you know, one of those messes that can only be cleaned up with the hand-vacuum on your keychain...

dirt devil: i'm not a cute tornado.

Dr. Robbins: i spew my psychiatric philosophy all over Instagram, 40 posts a day, but get me alone in my DMs and i'm a man of few words, i answer everything you ask with fine. good day.

Jen Pizarro: i am Jen P. i am Jen Prime Mover.

walking the bank parking lot when your Wells Fargo card finally doesn't get spit out: priceless. it's a victory walk.

Luigi: nothing in my socks but handwritten letters i wrote to myself.

Mario: you've been staying out in the sun too long. the desert sun with that long-ass Slinky cactus monster.

Luigi: you shouldn't even be wearing socks during the sand level...

Skins: the meaning of life is friends.

The Golden Girls: we did that in the '80s...

Stephen A. Smith: i would have taken a swing at LeBron.........i have enough money to pay for a doctor now...

Johnny Depp: are you kidding me? you could never have acted the COMPLICATED role Leonardo DiCaprio performed in What's Eating Gilbert Grape where he pretended to be fucked in the head.

Corey Feldman: why not? i'm a junkie so i just had to act like me...

me: you're the peanut butter to my jelly.

Jen R: i like horseradish.

Dorothy in The Big O: i have the Rinnegan...

Julia Ioffe: hey, everyone on Instagram has switched to Private.

Michael Weiss: i know, it's over.

Moby "Raining Again": Ollie Wride "Back to Life".

Madonna: ...

Val Kilmer in Real Genius: it's called a deely bobber...

i take off Sylux's heavy helmet to reveal a beautiful ashen female face with purple eyes overflowing with welling tears.

Sylux: i am not well. my arm is KILLING me right now. it's not an arm anymore, it's a piece of beef jerky. but that's not why i have such a pained look on my young face.

Thumbelina: don't cry, babe. don't sweat men, honey. i'll set you up with your DREAM WOMAN: Motoko Kusanagi!!! you two can start a nice family...

Sylux: i don't want to run from people anymore, i want a person. i want to fight in a lovers' quarrel. i just want my life to be cool booties from now on. 

TWO LOSERS TOGETHER: JUMPING LINKS

 

Thumbelina: i'm taking you to an authentic Colombian restaurant.

me: we're doing this online, now THAT is a trick.

Thumbelina: nice place, huh.

me: is the inside real? don't tell me.

Thumbelina: we start off with a first course to make you fat.

a silver grill is dropped in the center of the table.

Thumbelina: you've heard of Mexican jumping beans? well these are Colombian jumping mini-sausages!!!

me: oh yeah that's cool. you try to turn the sizzling sausages on their side like Martin Yan instructs but they have such a tiny surface area they just start DANCING.

Thumbelina: open your mouth.

me: isn't that the man's line?

Thumbelina: let the sausage DANCE in your mouth!!!

me: that's DEFINITELY the man's line!!!

Boc: i prefer the kielbasa on Alameda.

Jack Tripper: like Panda Express with the flying food. Jack's Bistro had to relocate to the mall food court.

me: and for drink we get these great waters.

Thumbelina: no that's vodka that tastes like 7 Up.

me: and for dessert these cool little cute tiny square things!!!

Thumbelina: yeah that's Dubai chocolate. 

me: mustard in the middle?

Thumbelina: the filling is pistachios. everyone thinks pistachios are brown but they're green...

me: i am so uncultured. that's why we're together.

Thumbelina: you'd be lost without me...

JFK: why is there no United States silver dollar?...

MAMIL: mammal...

Kitty Dukakis: what could have been...

Greykid: i know. i coulda been a housecat...

Ear Horn: bibliomancy is necromancy for nerds.

Gwyneth Paltrow: i look like Lauren Bacall now...

Meadow Soprano: i was out and they pulled me back in!!! i was the neighborhood air-hockey champion. but NOOO, Robert De Niro needed me to play his mob daughter in a bit part. 1 second on screen.

James Gandolfini: sorry for wrecking your air-hockey table, pookums, i thought it was your brother's Ms. Pac-Man...

Crazy Otto: you gotta relax, boss.

Robert De Niro: this underground den is GROOVY, very Old Italy '70s. the shag carpet matches my drapes. 

Gandolfini: and my mob moustache.

100 degrees: power.

100 mph winds: no power.

Jen R at Flip Side: but a single man wouldn't care about Christmas morning...

Uruk-hai: i mean Orc just sounds cooler.

Lindy Lenz: at the top of your grocery list each week i write the header as:

Lindy Lenz: wanna come over? i'm naked.

and then you write your list of groceries below. just a little something to remember me by.

me: it's the only thing i have left to remember you.

Lindy: remember, get only the One Piece eggs, the hardboiled eggs...

Instagram DM: this space is used for going off on a tangent...

me: i'm glad you were having a terrible life, or i wouldn't have met you.

Jen R: thanks?

Michael Weiss: if you're on Instagram, you're not having a good life...

Aliens.

James Cameron: when the guy takes himself and Vasquez out with a grenade, that was symbolic of how i wanted desperately to leave Pinewood Studios...

Vasquez: the grenade guy with the bandaged head looked like James Cameron!!!

SB: spacestation basement, superbitch, Ripley, the Mama Xenomorph, Bill Paxton...

Bill Paxton: got any quarters?.........both meanings...

Ripley: i tell no one my middle name. my mother doesn't know my middle name.

Ripley: this gun has a better blue pilot light than my '80s oven.

David Cronenberg: come on, you can tell that's a guy in a xenomorph rubber suit.

Hicks: don't mind me, i'm catatonic because i drank the goofy juice.

Bishop: why do artificial humans, synthetic humans, always have creepy smiles?

Data: why can't androids just smile naturally?

Paul Reiser: i was the real villain of Aliens.

William Gibson: i wrote the REAL Alien 3. i tried to make Bishop as likable and fun-loving as Data. just the Bishop torso. i gave Bishop a family. Data never had a family, right? well there was Lal, that ending made us all cry.

Data: i cried real human tears when my daughter died. Lal was just like her mother.

Jen R: the whole concept of Lal made me cry. the whole Lal storyline made me cry. this idea of Data having a daughter is just terribly tearjerking.

Blond Rambo: okay my Rockhopper...

Jackie Fitzgerald: that's not a bike, that's a penguin, like your namesake Gunter the penguin from Adventure Time.

Ice King: Gunter is not my servant, Gunter is my only best friend.

Gunter: i am Ice King's best only friend...

Trent Reznor: your desk looks like my Downward Spiral album cover.

me: yeah that sticker just wouldn't come off, i tried everything...

Melissa Maker in a Spring sweater with a giant daisy: have you tried the iron?

Jacques Pepin aboard a Cunard ship: i had to be a French pirate in the '70s when my first restaurant went underwater, both meanings. i did it to feed my family.

Gloria Pepin: the numbers were underwater. fuck this French shit. i'd tell you to cook the books but we're underwater!!!

Claudine Pepin: papa, so that piece-of-eight you gave me to bite on when i was 8 was real gold? not chocolate?

Jacques Pepin: it's pronounced cha-co-LAHT. i had a black Jolly Roger flag bumper sticker on my '70s Peugeot next to my PBS bumper sticker.

Serano: i can help out Loungemind's homelessness, he can stay at my adobe villa on the aqua Sardinia coast. Florida? you know i live in Italy...

Ralph Bakshi: if you can smile right before your death, it was a good life...

Nana Visitor: why are all your Spicy City voice actress from '90s Star Trek?

Ralph Bakshi: we shared the same studio, it was walking distance.

Nana Visitor: there was no warmer feeling in your heart than when you were watching me as Kira Nerys in Deep Space Nine in the '90s.

Minecraft: don't you love when you mistype a word in Google Search and that mistype ends up being a real show?...

TGL is to golf as pickleball is to tennis.

Roger Federer: i'd high-five you but you're dating Trump, bro.

Tiger Woods: ...

me: text any series of words and we can get back to normal.

Jen R: cuddle love

me: it's like the past 2 years never happened.

Jen R: sex is sex, but cuddle love is real love.

Jaleel White: a true friend compliments you, but more importantly, complements you...

Dirg: i love your mom.........i know that sounds weird but i mean it in the most completely innocent way possible...

we get home and i'm still grumbling to do.

Thumbelina: you still want to eat? you still want to COOK?!!! but Colombian food fills you up, don't believe that Gabriel Garcia Marquez myth.

me: i still want that fine-dining restaurant experience. help me turn on this stovetop. how many knobs?

Thumbelina: probably just one. do you know how to boil water?

me: i don't want to hurt the water.

Thumbelina: what brand is your microwave?

me: you know i never thought about it.

Thumbelina: GE, it's a General Electric microwave. how is your pot positioned?

me: what do you mean?

Thumbelina: is the handle facing towards you, away from you, or to the side of you?

me: i love you. SEE?!!! THIS is why we're together. you notice things i can only dream of. 

Thumbelina: it's my vantage point.

TWO LOSERS TOGETHER: GENTLE LOST

 

 

me: after the STRESS of always having to fuck her and make her cum, it's just nice to be with someone who's soft, gentle, nice, and easy.

Thumbelina: easy to talk to. how exactly do you fuck online?

me: it's just too much pressure, you know? all i want to do is destress when i'm with someone, take it easy, discuss the art of TV writing.

Thumbelina: everyone has but 15 minutes of free time a day. use those 15 minutes wisely.

me: i like to play but i don't like to play with, you know?

me: it's been a pleasure to revisit Lost with you who's seeing it for the first time, those first-time reactions of yours to this sumptuous show are priceless.

Thumbelina: they don't make em like this anymore. any recos?

me: only Severance comes close now.

Thumbelina: my favorite episode so far is the one where we find out it's a flash-FORWARD only at the very end...

me: isn't it nice to be gentle with someone?

Thumbelina: both people have to have a sound lucid mind or the conversation derails into insanity quite quickly...

 

Thumbelina: i want Hurley and Cynthia Watros to be endgame.

me: don't tell me, you think Hurley is SWEET.

Thumbelina: he is!!! he's a teddy bear. he's not fat, he's a teddy bear.

me: but Cynthia Watros?

Thumbelina: that's the point, i root for this couple because this couple would NEVER happen in real life. it's the absolute uniqueness of this pairing that makes it stick.

me: that's what TV is for.

Thumbelina: fantasy on an island...

Thumbelina: i always picture Sawyer as a mall cop.

me: the long con. talking Lost with you is so good i go to 30 minutes.

Thumbelina: talking shop. talking Lost shop. Jacob, the dude who keeps the Island a cork in a bottle, is sexy and mysterious, he's the Devil but he's good and necessary for the world.

me: Pandora's Box. well Pandora's Bottle.

Thumbelina: Jacob is the Devil who ends up being God. 

me: did they ever explain the polar bears?

Thumbelina: they explained Nestor Carbonell being on that prison planet with the talking dinosaurs...

Nestor Carbonell: why wasn't i on The Brothers Garcia?...

me: Santa should have been a character on Lost...

Sean Dilley: notice how i described Heathrow Airport reopening after the substation fire: music to their ears...

Anna Holligan: i am not a hooligan. i don't even like soccer.

Aliens.

Paul Reiser: xenomorph or Helen Hunt? i can't decide.

Trinity the cat: don't call me stupid. or a shithead. not even in jest.

Ellen Ripley: my hair is cool, this perm never left the '80s. 

Inquiry: look, all we're saying is that the Challenger space shuttle cost $4,325,719...

Inquiry: it is the finding of this inquiry that Shake N Bake pork is fucking delicious.

THE KID RIDING THE THREE-WHEELER FROM THE SHINING IS HERE!!!

Ripley: hey, being a bag-girl at Trader Joe's is honest work. i earn enough to feed Trinity basic cat food. i met my husband at Trader Joe's, his name is Tim Heidecker. Tim's gonna flip his wig when he finds out my daughter is a dead grandma.   

Matt: working at Safeway does NOT mean you've given up on life...

Ripley: i'm not crazy, i'm incontinent.

Ripley: i have a poster of a naked Sigourney Weaver in my locker.

Bill Paxton: the knife game, five finger fillet, hand roulette.

Bishop: also called bishop.

Bill Paxton: i'm only comfortable having Martin Yan do the knife game on me.

Martin Yan: i won't turn you into Cake Boss.

assholes and elbows: good sex.

James Cameron: the loader is a Terminator who became a forklift.

Vasquez: let's not have any winning Oscars for Best Makeup here, okay?...

Michael Eisner: i wanted James Cameron to direct Flight of the Navigator...

Fred Durst: don't waste that soggy donut.

'90s Outer Limits episodes: take it from us, episodes where it's a six-man squad (with one woman) with large laser guns slowly roaming around an abandoned space station on an unknown planet are BORING.

little girl: i don't wanna leave my little subway apartment i have here, i'm finally free, no more parents, no more mom and dad and stupid brother to tell me what to do, no more getting grounded, just books, i got my beads to protect me from monsters, i can stay up late and watch Friends past my bedtime. and i ace all my school science fairs!!!

Jenette Goldstein: this bronzer is working a little too well...

Rebecca Jordan: can i still be a citizen in this society?...

Elizabeth Inglis: i have no idea what Sigourney means, either.

Rebecca: the monster told me she likes to eat newts, she only eats humans when there are no newts around.

Lance Henriksen: this facehugger looks like shrimp scampi. i've never had shrimp scampi.

pulse rifle: comes with air conditioning. batteries not included.

figurehead woman trapped in a wall of goo: hey can you kill the alien without turning me into chicken flambe?

commander: do any of you soldiers watch Archer?...

commander: okay, Ripley, i'll let you drive, but don't scratch it, this is our only Batmobile.

Paul Reiser: no smoking in the cabin, Ripley. look, i don't want to be the company man here, but i am running for Congress in the spring.

Archer: you see THAT?!!! that was a REAL explosion!!! this is the '80s, baby!!!

little girl: i'm yawning because this movie is boring.

chestburster: it's pregnancy.

dropship: don't let Tesla make a fleet of these!!!

James Cameron: hey Lance, you gotta fit through a pipe, okay? i wanted Tom Cruise for this but Tom Cruise is claustrophobic.

Lance Henriksen: i BETTER get to play Lance in your live-action Voltron movie if i do this...

Paul Reiser: that was COLD. in my defense, i turned the monitor off because it was a repeat...

Transformers: don't blame us for the Heathrow fire, you humans should be on universal energy by now...

Jen R: omg Lauren & Luke on Flip Side.

me: right? they were couple goals.

Jen R: the way they held hands throughout the entire game.

me: that was so painfully cute, so adorable, so innocent, that actually made me cry.

Jen: that's a rare love. but they were also an awkward nerd couple.

me: Lauren looked like you.

Jen: i wanted them to win. i want weird janky love to win. get out of the basement, live your best life, travel.

AOC: like your love life, you gotta wait for me for just a LITTLE BIT LONGER. for a better life. for a better world. for a better political future.

Bernie Sanders: President AOC is the pipe dream i smoke. hopefully there will still be a world in the future...

Pete Buttigieg: don't forget about me...

ancient history: not something to forget, something to learn from.

The Barnyard groundskeeper with the red plaid shirt and Crocodile Dundee Akubra hat: how am i fat on a groundskeeper's salary?

Groundskeeper Willie: you work in Carmel...

The Barnyard groundskeeper: i'm the famous Central Coast Roof Guy in my night job, THANKS FOLKS!!!

brown mouse: the cat meows for mouse...

Suzy Lu: wait, how did i know in the future to do double Garlic Jr. DBZ episodes because everybody would hate this arc?...

Maron: ...

UConn: we're gonna win the Men's NCAA Basketball Tournament this year and make you REALLY annoyed with us...

Spicy City.

Ralph Bakshi: four fingers, if it's four fingers it's a cartoon, it's not real, the sex and violence is cartoony, it's a fun whimsical fantasy.

Humphrey Bogart: why is it that whenever something is sexy it necessarily has to be noir?...

Jules Smith: whimsy was '90s HBO. not Spawn, that was too ghastily violent. Larry Sanders was that forbidden HBO warmth.

Ralph Bakshi: is a TRUE adult cartoon possible?...

Spalding Gray: the last song i ever listened to was Nine Inch Nails "The Great Below..."

Anthony Bourdain: we have the same hair.

The Smiths "Back to the Old House": the lyrics are that scene from the B&W Manchurian Candidate...

Kraken: i live under that BIG-ASS chunk of Antarctica iceberg that just fell off.

AOC: when i'm not busy starring in Snow White...

VictoryNYC: glad to have you aboard as my only NYU roommate.

me: thanks. i love your dorm setup here, our dorm room is one giant computer with no room for beds.

VictoryNYC: that was lucky of you to get a four-year free-ride scholarship JUST as your Social Security was canceled...

Mick Foley: my favorite cheap pop is an ice-cream soda...

The Terminator (1984): your first sex scene...

Thumbelina: i'm really digging the religious stuff on Lost.

me: i knew you would. the ending with Heaven...

Thumbelina: fuck, dude, that was a spoiler.

me: FUCK. sorry. i don't know what came over me. i lost myself in that moment.

me: .........does this mean we can no longer be endgame?...

Thumbelina: my brother's a priest so there's a lot of keeping up appearances when i'm in front of my parents whom i live with. but don't worry, i'm cool. i'm easy. i'm gentle. my personal beliefs are a mystery. i like the writing that goes into TV shows.