LIVING FREE ON CAMPUS: THE NOISE OF LEARNING

 

Jen R: and where have you been?

me: smoking you out. putting your name in my Instagram profile to see if you'd come out of your hole.

Jen: well i've been enriching myself. remember what i told you to do?

me: go to medical school and cure your Sjogren's. i have you to live for now so it's no problem.

Jen: i hear Hartnell College is free college...

me: it's free college with dorms. ON campus!!! no off-campus hostels to deal with.

Jen: so much gum on those hostel walls. free housing? that's impossible. 

me: that's how they get you when you don't have a scholarship, not the schooling, the housing.

when we get there we learn to our chagrin that our room's already taken.

Jen R: occupied by Jackie Fitzgerald?!!! nice to meet you, queen.

me: i really just need a quiet place to be. 

Blond Rambo: go to the park, bum. 

Jackie Fitzgerald: are there still quiet places in a city? 

Jen: the library where i work, but everyone wants to live there.

me: yeah that's the thing, like i need to be in a park for 5 hours in the afternoon but then i need to live in this park forever, i need this park to be my housing.

Jen: the permanent park.

me: hey, can i ask a favor man-to-man?

Blond Rambo: i see one man...

me: it's just, when your fellow motorcycle-gang members come over to visit, why do they take SO LONG to leave?!!! you know? they're outside in their custom-built jalopies shooting the breeze with you and Jackie back-window-open REVVING THE FUCK OUT OF THE ENGINE FOR ONE WHOLE HOUR before they actually depart the dorm circle street.

Blond Rambo: that's funny car.

me: i'm a growing student, noise pollution like this is poison to my fragile constitution.

Blond Rambo: you lost the election, get over it.

me: we're homeless.

Jen R: wouldn't be the first time.

me: we'll have to camp out at the memorial statue in the centre of campus. 

Jen: that's very civic-minded...

me: with the students staggering around all drugged-out it'll be LESS quiet at night!!! hey, wait a minute, did you actually go to CLASS today? you smell of Euclid.

Jen: Euclid had some greens, man. sorrel and stuff. i'm working on my dissertation on why eleven should be replaced with oney-one.

me: that gets appreciation only in the rap circles.

Jen: hip-hop has always been ahead of the game. my only counterargument is that eleven is a cool-sounding word, it sounds like a soft drink.

me: sounds like Heaven. you're playing both sides!!!

Jen: i advocate for the devil because i come from the devil. you do, too.

Ariana Grande: mama.

Lady Gaga: yes. i am Mama Monster.

Ariana Grande: no, you're my mom. don't you see the resemblance?

Lady Gaga: only when we're both wearing no makeup...

LBC: Long Beach, Compton...

Frog Dreaming.

The Quest?: come on.

opening sequence: a Universal Studios outdoor stageshow...

Henry Thomas: there's GOTTA be something more exciting than this after E.T.. i'm a young boy, i need excitement!!!

draisine: do not operate this vehicle until after you put in your eyedrops...

Vision Quest: don't you go licking on any frogs now, that's not how it works...

Henry: E.T. is dead. yeah. so the only way we can get our bikes to fly is if i get a running start on this rail. you kids follow me through the woods Ewok-style.

Henry: NO BRAKES!!!

Paul Hogan: yeah it's Australia.

Wendy: you okay?

Henry Thomas: i almost died. listen copper, i'm allergic to peanut butter and i have covid-nose.

Jane: i'll bring the cigarettes.

Henry: to a picnic? i don't smoke, i'm just a kid. you chicks are crazy.

Lois: Uncle Lester's leg went to New Zealand for research. what are you reading upstairs in your bedroom, Jane?

Jane: Jane Eyre.

Lois: that's porn, but at least it's a book. yes, dear, and we have a not-marriage...

husband: not a knot marriage. i married you because i thought we'd have Dalek babies.

Wendy: i'm changing my name to Bindi...

Rubikon: black fellas?

Henry: the dance is at the church hall.

Wendy: i'm atheist. an Australian atheist. all Australians are atheist. 

Henry: tastes like nuts. my nuts.

Jane: how were your parents killed?

Henry Thomas: they were playing Fallout. 

tadpoles: we look like sex?

Kurt Cobain: ...

bunyip: the monster is a bunch of evil E.T. fingers.

copper: like my JoJo's Bizarre Adventure hair?

pucker lady: like Linda Kozlowski.

Jim Henson: that is one SCARY-looking motherfucker of a grey eagle. it looks like a Muppet but it's REAL!!!

Valerie Allain: holy SHIT!!! you CAN get herpes from French-kissing!!!

Henry: are you sure i can drive a truck to a dance at age 14?

Gaza: it's Australia.

Bryan Cranston: i was in a rockabilly band in college.

Becky: i'm from Muriel's Wedding...

Henry Thomas: what is this place?

Charlie Pride: Old Gregg.

International Women's Day: the women are international spies who gallivant the globe keeping us safe.

Cartoon Network: Totally Spies marathon on International Women's Day...

Dopey: hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work i go, sing this at all your job interviews...

a mud-window on an offroad vehicle in the shape of the Wu-Tang Clan symbol.

RZA: ironic and symbolic.

Roger Smith: R. Dorothy is our Dorothy...

Chloe Fineman: great, now my name is Covid Fineman...

dad: the spirits in Heaven don't notice the loss of an hour, we're always awake...

Cristiano Ronaldo: wait, i played for Manchester United?...

Red String of Fate: you're gonna be hanging by a thread the rest of your life...

Mimi at Safeway: you have a discount slip for 46 CENTS? i thought it was 46 DOLLARS.

Marilyn Manson: either is cool, i'm just here to see you. DST, you lost an hour of sleep.

Mimi: don't talk about my bed. i am not DST DTF.

Herm Edwards at Safeway: ...

Herm Edwards at Safeway: i got the Madden Bus parked out back...

lose an hour of sleep: lose your soul...

Melissa Maker: me single, this was something that was not supposed to happen in our lifetimes.........and for some reason my Instagram DM's not working...

Magnus Carlsen: soccer is chess played with dice. i play chess like i play soccer: in shorts. that is not my penis, that is two dice in the centre of my jeans...

George Lowe: i was the Karen Carpenter of cartoons...

Bluesky: pronounced Bluski, not Blue Sky...

Blutarsky: ...

Samuel L. Jackson: peak fiction, not Pulp Fiction.

Quentin Tarantino: that hurts, Sam you L...

cats: so no more wet cat food EVER?!!!...

Fred Stolle: okay i'm finally here, where's Bud Collins?.........i need a doubles partner...

Cliff Drysdale: NEVER play tennis alone...

Jackie Fitzgerald: computer science is easy.

dad: ...

Blond Rambo: look, if you need a quiet spot to study, i'll switch out my hog for one of those Hyundais, how does that sound?

Jen R: both meanings of sound.

me: yeah but the Hyundai makes that eerie sound of glowing coruscation circulation when its engine is running and it starts and stops on the road. 

Jen: it's the sound of hovering. floating beside you. Hyundais are real UFOs the aliens don't want you to see...

Fox Mulder: i dated a Japanese Hyundai-maker...

Jen plasters her George Lowe poster over the college campus memorial...

Jen R: our love will keep us warm on those frigid nights.

me: you know Law & Order: SVU robbed me of so much time.

Jen: ironic.

me: i could have spent all that time i wasted watching Law & Order: SVU learning a trade, going to waterparks, marrying my professor, and joining a dominoes club.

Jen: a dominos club that serves Round Table Pizza.