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me: where'd you go?
Jen R: i was out with the mumps.
me: isn't constantly smoking a cigarette bad for the mumps?
Jen: nah, when you're a mum you're immune from your kid's mumps, that's the whole point of the mumps.
Jen R: what happened to you? you seem more dazed than usual.
me: i got a concussion, i THWACKED my head on the icebox fetching corndogs.
Jen: that is the lamest story of all time. i thought you wanted your life to be cool.
me: help me.
Jen: from now on you say you got your concussion doing a kip-up in some jazzy modern dance ballet production on an Upper East Side theater stage. and that the rest of your ballet troupe thinks you're rad for having undergone that for your art. in fact let's visit that very stage now and tell the folks!!!
the Joffrey Ballet: how'd you get that concussion? we can SEE the concussion on your head...
me: um.........i hit my head on Natalie Portman's tit during Black Swan.
the Joffrey Ballet claps while they ballet-dance.
Jen R: wear a soft-felt blue beanie on your head AT ALL TIMES, it'll be like a helmet to heal your head but you'll look like a cool street kid.
'80s shows: oooooh, followed by clapping...
John Madden: the UFL is history.........in motion...
Jen R: you turn them into soggy Triscuits when you cry into them.
killer whale: i'm a dolphin...
Zelenskyy: see it was a Friday. on Friday it's the end of the week and people are tired, nerves are frayed, and you say things. you don't give a fuck anymore by Friday, you tell the President of the United States what's REALLY going on.
Tommy.
Adam and Eve under the waterfall: it's actually hard to fuck under here.
Trent Reznor: i recognize this flapper wearing a gas mask!!! mother!!!
The Blitz: get into your caged bed...
Rosie the Riveter: fill the assembly-line missiles with pinballs...
Jules Smith: red poppy.
Bernie Greencoat: this place is like Fawlty Towers but with a pool.
Lovely Legs competition: see? the Miss America pageant is harmless.
Ann-Margret: i miss the touch of a man's cheek. when we're dancing, not his butt. Elvis couldn't dance.
holiday camp: not a bad job, kid. it's only in Britain...
Blanche from The Golden Girls: it's the Steel Magnolias house!!!
Tommy, sleepy-eyed: dad? are you a ghost?
dad: no i'm Adrien Brody as a Cardassian.
Bernie Greencoat: it's not seeing the fucking that's traumatizing, it's the re-death of your father Thomas Merton-style...
Tommy: and thus my mind CRACKED. but the Notting Hill Carnival and candy floss should help...
Tommy: mommy, can i be a Blockhead on Gumby? really my problem is too much sugar. mommy, can i have cool retro '70s Christmas like this but alone?
Tommy: why the mini black '80s Rolls Royce tho?
Santa Claus: Santa Claus should never be a scary Halloween mask.
Abbot Butt: i mean how can a Marilyn Monroe cult be bad?
Dorothy Gale in a wheelchair: our monks wear robes with Robert Crumb comix on them.
Tina Turner: this ain't a cigarette, honey, it's a syringe...
Tina Turner: how was your first fuck, Tommy?
Tommy: i must warn you, my blood type is C. the Cybermen are so BORING. just take me to Round Table Pizza after, will MF DOOM be there?
Tina Turner shaking her legs: honey, THESE legs win Lovely Legs.
Ann-Margret: see in those days people just didn't get divorced, you know?...
Jen R: that's a cool visual, the bath faucet as motorcycle handlebars.
playfriend in leather jacket: if Treat Williams from Hair went CRAZY.
the guy from The Warriors: ...
Roger Daltrey: bro not the hair. don't step on my long curly hair.
Garbage Pail Kids: remember when being the class cheat was just sorta fun?
Melissa Maker: spit on your clothes iron, lifehack.
Jen R: hey, raw egg in Coke, you haven't tried that drink yet.
me: thanks.
Fletch: it's the Depeche Mode "Stripped" set.
Tommy: okay but why does it have to be a Playboy pinball machine?
Tommy: i was the first professional gamer...
Princess Di on the yacht: you can't make money playing pinball in 1969...
Elton John: do you like my keyboard that's the size of a stick of gum?
Jen R: oh i miss those hotel TVs with the garage-door-opener remote controls.
Storybook International "Great Heart".
The Man of the Great Thirst: see i drink a lot of diet cola.
styrofoam boulders: so UCLA summer theater camp in the '80s...
Bowen Yang: Shane Gillis is that cockroach that doesn't die after an atomic bombing.
Lorne Michaels: i know but you gotta do at least ONE sketch with him so we appear neutral.
Bowen: oh fuck no, Lorne, don't make me do this.
Lorne: just do one of those Weekend Update segments where the two of you are twins...
Bowen Yang: i'll be avoiding Shane Gillis in the hallways all week...
Kurt Cobain: Iron Maiden taught me how to skateboard, Tony Hawk taught me how to live.
Tony Hawk: there's a trick to life...
me: you're the only one who's fucking around.
Jules Smith: i'm not messing about.
me: no you're the only one who's around...
Kurt Cobain: you and i are now one family.
Tony Hawk: can i be in Black Flag now?
Psalm: nobody who works in Hollywood needs a Psalm...
M with a hook: pronounced ma, mama.
Luke Russert: the handles on your grocery bag should be like the handles on your soft plush cat carryall.
Trinity: ...
Trent Reznor in a Nottingham Forest shawl in the stands: the River Trent...
James Cameron: my Oscars telecast lasted until 3 in the morning...
3 at night: sounds weird.
Instagram: it's like pulling teeth.
Kendrick Lamar: X Drake.
Drake: yeah i know.........X Drake turns into a dinosaur.
Kendrick: .........because Drake is a dinosaur in the rap game...
Nadia Comaneci: why is everyone on Toonzone Romanian?...
Grace Kelly: now THAT's the way to live life...
Oscars: remember, you don't want to be closing your curtains in your house in the middle of the ceremony...
Super Bowl: ...
that drink you forgot to make: ...
Ariana Grande: not a dress, a shower...
Nosferatu: i had fun doing the music for The Brutalist...
me: the boy. get it? i'm the boy.
Jen takes a drag from her cig.
me: thank you for tour-guiding me through your old stomping grounds, New York City.
Jen R: old fucking NYC, no place better. yeah. just don't come here at NIGHT, it's a completely different scene. wanna hop the L and go down to the bodega where Mr. Kotter gets all of his shaving-cream cans?
me: subways are sexy.
Jen: there's gotta be a better way to package flour.
me: right?
Jen: put the flour in an Old Fashioned Quaker Oats cylinder.
me: and sugar!!!
Jen: sugar!!! i wish i still had my old beige-clay sugarbowl from the '80s. i'd Veruca Salt that granulated sugar!!!
me: that sugarbowl said LEMON on it in I Love Lucy letters.
Jen: a Starbucks just opened up on this corner!!! what luck, let's tuck in...
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