OLD SUPERHEROES: THE MOUSE IS BROWN

 

Spider-Man: my Spider Sense is my brain.

Superman: have we killed the enemy?!!!

Wonder Woman: wait, it's a mouse...

Weiland from Stone Temple Pilots: i'm still around. i chug motor oil at the "Papa Don't Preach" garage where Madonna met her Italian-stallion lover.

Wheel of Fortune contestant: can i give you a hug?

Pat Sajak: from a man? ew, no.

contestant: *gives Pat Sajak a bear hug*

contestant: do you want to see wallet-pics photos of my baby?

Pat Sajak: your baby is a Chihuahua, right?

Lindy Lenz: The Baltimore Bunch?

me: me in a threesome with you and Jen R. where have you been?

Lindy: Ms. Pie was sick.

Ms. Pie: only Talia can cure me.

Wonder Woman: i brush Talia's back...

Talia the cat: i gave Ms. Pie some wet Walleye cat food. 

pearlescence: Mark Twain went to college for one day...

Jen R: birthday burger.

me: yeah. tomorrow is my birthday. so i'll walk down to the gas station and get myself a pub cheeseburger under a heat lamp. 

Jules Smith: that is NOT the pub experience...

Jen R: because there's no money in the bank. there's no money in your account. the fence drains all your funds by mid-month.

me: the end of Social Security means the end of me...

Jen R: no DoorDash McDonald's to watch Premier League soccer by. we're talking about you, you've never had neighbors, that's the kicker. Wayne Rooney should feed you McDonald's every Saturday morning, that should be his debt to society.

Cameron Boyce: me as Ian Curtis, think about it, that would have been perfect casting.

Ian Curtis: the epilepsy. the seizures. the mad freckles.

Capp: you don't move on from your soulmate.

Jen R: that's the point of a soulmate.

Invesco QQQ: you can stream.........Wilt's 100-point game...

Marilyn Monroe in Valley Village, 1944: there is nothing more beautiful on God's green earth than the deep-blue neighborhood signs of Los Angeles.

Suzy Lu: i don't need to look in a mirror, i'm hot, but the way i say mirror is hilarious...

me: can i be in your small circle?

Pam Hiltunen: but not in my tight circle.

message on top of the Instagram community row-line: how did I get here?...

me: and now i do my Brillo benediction on this washer/dryer. i touch this running humming washer/dryer and with closed soapy eyes i call out to the geriatric gods, i chant to the O-ring oracle "may Melissa Maker go on ONE date with me..."

Melissa Maker: it's an admirable goal to spend your final four years trying to seduce me...

David Lynch: you smoke?

Anthony Bourdain: we have the same hair.

The NCAA Basketball Tournament: it's exciting.........then it's boring...

Spike Lee: play The NCAA Basketball Tournament in a covid bubble, that would be cinematic.

The Law Brothers: your leg will break, hear us out, hear us out, your leg will break, but you'll get $1,000,000...

Jack McBrayer: i'm Gavin Rossdale's spare family on Christmas. 

Gavin Rossdale: you're my pocket family, smallie.

Jack: i down 20 peach schnapps and talk about Gwen Stefani's peach. 

Gavin: that makes me laugh. divorce is depressing, there's no way out.

Jack: remember, Gwen gaslit Gavin.

Gavin: once you're part of a broken family, there's no hope.

Jack: i dress up as skinny Santa and entertain the kids. with tales about how i fucking KNOW there's gonna be a Phineas and Ferb reboot happening real soon...

Gavin Rossdale: i gave. Gav gave.

Suzy Lu: i'm your daily distraction.

Humphrey Bogart: i mean how does the Dragon Ball world know i exist?...

Talia: nighttime here is COLD.

Wonder Woman: sorry about that. no heaters in this nursing home.

Talia: i have to leave your bed at night because your covers are scant. i try to find a fireplace in a nursing home...

Wonder Woman: that was weird last night, in the middle of the night i thought you were sleeping on top of my legs in the hole my legs make. but it turned out to be a blue beanie...

me: calm down.

Talia: hey, never tell a woman to calm down. even a woman with the zoomies...

essential tremor: Uzumaki...

Leslie Sbrocco at the PBS Pledge Drive: save my tits for the next 7 years!!!

Cookie Monster: you can't defund assets.

Grimace: i was a Sesame Street character, but Mister Rogers banned me from PBS for life for eating his fries.

Jim Henson: we had ONE chance to bring about the Age of Aquarius. we ALMOST pulled it off in 1969...

Carl Sagan: at least we had Red Dwarf on PBS in the '80s, a rare truly-nonreligious science sitcom, in space, i laughed my ass off!!!

the '80s: the 2020s but fun, because this stuff could never happen in real life, it was just a Rambo cartoon...

Alex Ovechkin: i am The Great Eight.

Wayne Gretzky: no, i am The Great Eight: 888 goals...

Alex Ovechkin: don't call me Overdose Ovechkin...

Talia: aw it's cute.

Wonder Woman: WAIT, i can't do it!!! the mouse is BROWN!!! you know? it's one of those sophisticated church mice from England who wears a brown suit, plaid vest, and glasses, and attends Mass on Sundays with his family and recites the Psalms in his squeaky singing voice from the church cubbyhole.

Spider-Man: and eats cheese donuts after.

Superman: as you can see, i covered the large gaping hole in the attic floor, which is our ceiling, so that the little scamp couldn't get down to us, have it jump down into Wonder Woman's glitter bra and frighten the fuck outta her.

Spider-Man: that's cruel, dude, the poor mouse is now stuck up there with no cheese.

Wonder Woman: how would you feel if you couldn't escape from a place?

Superman: ...

Wonder Woman: that's not super, man.

Spider-Man: plus you covered the hole with cheesecloth, that's extra cruel.

Talia: well, since the three of you are forever-chained dead-enders stuck to live out the remainder of your short lives in a meaningless black-hole deathtrap, i'll take the mouse off your hands. i'll show him a good time. i'll show him a good life, a life of hope.

Wonder Woman: at least one of us will get some light in the end.

Talia: i mean you could just let the poor brown mouse out into the wild, let him loose outside, let him scamper and disappear into the front-lawn tall grass, but what happens when it starts to rain?...