Thumbelina: i'm taking you to an authentic Colombian restaurant.
me: we're doing this online, now THAT is a trick.
Thumbelina: nice place, huh.
me: is the inside real? don't tell me.
Thumbelina: we start off with a first course to make you fat.
a silver grill is dropped in the center of the table.
Thumbelina: you've heard of Mexican jumping beans? well these are Colombian jumping mini-sausages!!!
me: oh yeah that's cool. you try to turn the sizzling sausages on their side like Martin Yan instructs but they have such a tiny surface area they just start DANCING.
Thumbelina: open your mouth.
me: isn't that the man's line?
Thumbelina: let the sausage DANCE in your mouth!!!
me: that's DEFINITELY the man's line!!!
Boc: i prefer the kielbasa on Alameda.
Jack Tripper: like Panda Express with the flying food. Jack's Bistro had to relocate to the mall food court.
me: and for drink we get these great waters.
Thumbelina: no that's vodka that tastes like 7 Up.
me: and for dessert these cool little cute tiny square things!!!
Thumbelina: yeah that's Dubai chocolate.
me: mustard in the middle?
Thumbelina: the filling is pistachios. everyone thinks pistachios are brown but they're green...
me: i am so uncultured. that's why we're together.
Thumbelina: you'd be lost without me...
JFK: why is there no United States silver dollar?...
MAMIL: mammal...
Kitty Dukakis: what could have been...
Greykid: i know. i coulda been a housecat...
Ear Horn: bibliomancy is necromancy for nerds.
Gwyneth Paltrow: i look like Lauren Bacall now...
Meadow Soprano: i was out and they pulled me back in!!! i was the neighborhood air-hockey champion. but NOOO, Robert De Niro needed me to play his mob daughter in a bit part. 1 second on screen.
James Gandolfini: sorry for wrecking your air-hockey table, pookums, i thought it was your brother's Ms. Pac-Man...
Crazy Otto: you gotta relax, boss.
Robert De Niro: this underground den is GROOVY, very Old Italy '70s. the shag carpet matches my drapes.
Gandolfini: and my mob moustache.
100 degrees: power.
100 mph winds: no power.
Jen R at Flip Side: but a single man wouldn't care about Christmas morning...
Uruk-hai: i mean Orc just sounds cooler.
Lindy Lenz: at the top of your grocery list each week i write the header as:
Lindy Lenz: wanna come over? i'm naked.
and then you write your list of groceries below. just a little something to remember me by.
me: it's the only thing i have left to remember you.
Lindy: remember, get only the One Piece eggs, the hardboiled eggs...
Instagram DM: this space is used for going off on a tangent...
me: i'm glad you were having a terrible life, or i wouldn't have met you.
Jen R: thanks?
Michael Weiss: if you're on Instagram, you're not having a good life...
Aliens.
James Cameron: when the guy takes himself and Vasquez out with a grenade, that was symbolic of how i wanted desperately to leave Pinewood Studios...
Vasquez: the grenade guy with the bandaged head looked like James Cameron!!!
SB: spacestation basement, superbitch, Ripley, the Mama Xenomorph, Bill Paxton...
Bill Paxton: got any quarters?.........both meanings...
Ripley: i tell no one my middle name. my mother doesn't know my middle name.
Ripley: this gun has a better blue pilot light than my '80s oven.
David Cronenberg: come on, you can tell that's a guy in a xenomorph rubber suit.
Hicks: don't mind me, i'm catatonic because i drank the goofy juice.
Bishop: why do artificial humans, synthetic humans, always have creepy smiles?
Data: why can't androids just smile naturally?
Paul Reiser: i was the real villain of Aliens.
William Gibson: i wrote the REAL Alien 3. i tried to make Bishop as likable and fun-loving as Data. just the Bishop torso. i gave Bishop a family. Data never had a family, right? well there was Lal, that ending made us all cry.
Data: i cried real human tears when my daughter died. Lal was just like her mother.
Jen R: the whole concept of Lal made me cry. the whole Lal storyline made me cry. this idea of Data having a daughter is just terribly tearjerking.
Blond Rambo: okay my Rockhopper...
Jackie Fitzgerald: that's not a bike, that's a penguin, like your namesake Gunter the penguin from Adventure Time.
Ice King: Gunter is not my servant, Gunter is my only best friend.
Gunter: i am Ice King's best only friend...
Trent Reznor: your desk looks like my Downward Spiral album cover.
me: yeah that sticker just wouldn't come off, i tried everything...
Melissa Maker in a Spring sweater with a giant daisy: have you tried the iron?
Jacques Pepin aboard a Cunard ship: i had to be a French pirate in the '70s when my first restaurant went underwater, both meanings. i did it to feed my family.
Gloria Pepin: the numbers were underwater. fuck this French shit. i'd tell you to cook the books but we're underwater!!!
Claudine Pepin: papa, so that piece-of-eight you gave me to bite on when i was 8 was real gold? not chocolate?
Jacques Pepin: it's pronounced cha-co-LAHT. i had a black Jolly Roger flag bumper sticker on my '70s Peugeot next to my PBS bumper sticker.
Serano: i can help out Loungemind's homelessness, he can stay at my adobe villa on the aqua Sardinia coast. Florida? you know i live in Italy...
Ralph Bakshi: if you can smile right before your death, it was a good life...
Nana Visitor: why are all your Spicy City voice actress from '90s Star Trek?
Ralph Bakshi: we shared the same studio, it was walking distance.
Nana Visitor: there was no warmer feeling in your heart than when you were watching me as Kira Nerys in Deep Space Nine in the '90s.
Minecraft: don't you love when you mistype a word in Google Search and that mistype ends up being a real show?...
TGL is to golf as pickleball is to tennis.
Roger Federer: i'd high-five you but you're dating Trump, bro.
Tiger Woods: ...
me: text any series of words and we can get back to normal.
Jen R: cuddle love
me: it's like the past 2 years never happened.
Jen R: sex is sex, but cuddle love is real love.
Jaleel White: a true friend compliments you, but more importantly, complements you...
Dirg: i love your mom.........i know that sounds weird but i mean it in the most completely innocent way possible...
we get home and i'm still grumbling to do.
Thumbelina: you still want to eat? you still want to COOK?!!! but Colombian food fills you up, don't believe that Gabriel Garcia Marquez myth.
me: i still want that fine-dining restaurant experience. help me turn on this stovetop. how many knobs?
Thumbelina: probably just one. do you know how to boil water?
me: i don't want to hurt the water.
Thumbelina: what brand is your microwave?
me: you know i never thought about it.
Thumbelina: GE, it's a General Electric microwave. how is your pot positioned?
me: what do you mean?
Thumbelina: is the handle facing towards you, away from you, or to the side of you?
me: i love you. SEE?!!! THIS is why we're together. you notice things i can only dream of.
Thumbelina: it's my vantage point.
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