Julia Child takes me to the pond, as she's been doing every afternoon for some time now.
me: isn't this when your show is on?
Julia Child: the PBS offices are hell at 11 AM. you gotta watch it here, the swans are pretty but they bite. swans have TEETH. they run like Usain Bolt on the surface of the water. swan feathers are useless, Natalie Portman used up all the magic in the world.
me: at least there's still Storybook International. you have the weirdest soothing voice of all time.
Julia: i'm just a lady from Pasadena trying to affect a British accent.
me: your voice helped me through some tough times, got me outta jams.
Julia: you feed the swans bread, gotta keep my fingers from becoming overripe bananas, young man.
me: oh right, this is the '80s, we still don't know...
as i launch an old crust of bread at the swans' BRIGHT-orange beaks, Julia goes crazy.
Julia: DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!! THE SWANS WILL EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!
instead, upon beak-nibbling the bread the swans turn into swan dough swimming gracefully like a ballerina on the mirror surface of the pond.
Julia: the dough is already malleable from the salt. okay this helps us, we're one-up on that panty-sniffer Jacques Pepin, he has to carve swan garnishes out of carrots with a paring knife or some shit, we can simply slide these swan baguettes into my oven.
Chad Reynolds: Melissa Maker dumped me, now that is a country song...
Rock & Rule.
Mok Swagger: i look like Diamante from One Piece. what villain says thank you?...
Mick Jagger: i almost became a monk.
Goofy: my son Max is all grown up and fucking!!!
skinny apocalyptic rat Stretch: this is the opening scene of Night of the Comet with the arcade cabinet...
Max: girl i love your nose hair. go ahead, cut the power, my songs are better acoustic.
Don Bluth: THIS is what i wanted An American Tail to be. damn you, Disney.
Arthur: there was no sex in that car, the car had a jumpy axle...
Jen R: i have everything i need right here.
me: why are you pointing to your knee?
Omar: rude boy? that's rude. i don't play ska.
Mok: my butlers wear rollerskates because i long for the 1950s again. sorry about my mouth, i haven't been to the dentist since i was a child, my original birth name was Molar, mom was a kidder.
Edison ball: Thomas Edison was a notorious catatonic.
Fat One: like my tricep tattoo of the first Netscape logo?...
Mok: do you know why Weezer made it big? they sold their souls to Satan.
Omar: in fairness, the Vitruvian Man David Bowie here is kinda hypnotic.
Fat One: so our car is the Monopoly car?...
Nuke York: it wasn't Canada...
Legal: you can't say on TV your home is the best.
Mok: i live in my concert hall, the Garden of Eden has fleas...
Annie Adamson: i do tattoos the right way: no bare tits, no mermaid tails, no cracked hearts, no names in cursive, just Papa Smurf with a mohawk on a skateboard.
Popeye: my pegleg is Cupid's arrow...
Angel: i just wanna put on my Kiss makeup, dance in a neat Rotoscope way, and gyrate my ass of its own volition.
Cindy: i fart light.
Lindy Lenz: Cindy is short for Cinderella...
Mok: i like my women Cryptkeeper.
Omar: it's okay, babe, i like being Lion-O.
power surge: a good power outage...
Lisa Turtle: like what am i doing here?
earthquake: no, anything but the alabaster statue of the lead singer of Blue Oyster Cult!!!
Angel: just fingering "O Christmas Tree" on the ol' piano...
Robert Crumb: i would have had the moose with the antlers in the O Canada coat the main character...
Bagel Bakery: there's always an emergency, we're closed from like 10 AM-1 PM each day...
Julia Child: you'll live in my kitchen soon enough like the rest, but i really want you to stretch your legs and experience the kitchen that is the SKY outside.
me: i want to learn all your kitchen secrets, because those are life secrets, too.
Julia: not really, i cook alone, that's a terrible way to be in life. the quiet will drive you mad.
me: where's your husband?
Julia: he ran away with Meryl Streep. pizza bites.
me: no it doesn't, pizza is good.
Julia: i know, pizza bites are good.
Melissa Maker: here's a bright idea, Bagel Bakery, OPEN AT NIGHT!!! people eat bagels at night. people eat bagels for dinner. a little steak tartare and sour cream on that bagel...
Anthony Bourdain standing by a stool-table at a Carmel microbrewery the size of a shoebox: guys what are we doing here...
Julia Child: what are these HIGH stool-tables at pubs for?
Anthony Bourdain: for insecure men to rest their dicks.
Thumbelina: it's hard to reach me.
me: because you're so small?
Thumbelina: because i live in Colombia.
me: i mean even if you lived in Columbia University you'd be too far away from me on the East Coast...
Tom Izzo: what do you call that period of time in the fourth quarter when the team starts fouling and it's just free throws and fouls for the final minute of a college basketball game?
James Naismith: that time period when the game was still pure...
Vault Boy: take it from me, we are in the last quarter...
Charles Barkley: i call it giving fouls their flowers.
pee: it smells like graham crackers.
Thumbelina: now whenever i hear rumbling i don't turn my shoulder for the rolling thunder, i turn my shoulder for the flashback on Lost...
Keanu Reeves: i'm playing Trent Reznor in the Lifetime Movie...
Buddhism: rubbing the rim just right.
Melissa Maker: the tiny curved bumpy pickles in a charcuterie are the most expensive.
Chad: symbolic of our marriage. and phallic.
Matt in Mattmobile: I'M BURNING RUBBER cutting through the Safeway parking lot!!!.........relax, it's the morning, no cars...
Patrick at Safeway: i'm the Curly of the staff. i work the Self-Checkout, it's nice, i help many a young single lady jogger in lycra pants push the button for her cottage cheese.
dem sticks: incense.
Julia Pott: Ricky Ullman and i as a couple, our wedding, our marriage, our kid, you see these things on Facebook, but these things are misty things of distant withering magic out of your reach.
Ricky Ullman: that kid can fly...
Morpheus: Morpheus doesn't have sex. sex is Morpheus's Vietnam...
severe letter: in between hot letter and push send.
Abraham Lincoln: ...
sexfold: six times.........fold a paper...
Senor Pink: i married Pippi Longstocking.
Russian: ...
Gimlet: am i the first baby ever named after an alcoholic drink?
Shirley Temple: ...
me: let's date to show the world Canada and the U.S. can still get along.
Melissa Maker: nah, that would just give in to all the 1984 stuff.
Ikari Warriors: Patrick Lavender...
Crying Freeman: Archer in Hong Kong...
the Grizz: we're never called the Grizzlies.
Instagram: for women with a kid who are looking to divorce this week...
Boc: two more days till April.
'90s pilgrim: you gotta go outside, bro. leave the messageboards and go for a walk...
new bat: the Yankees will torpedo the Dodgers' starting pitching this year.
Clayton Kershaw: this year? any year. i'm not good in the postseason...
Kevin Conroy: the old Bat was better.
Julia Child sees me crying by the pond.
Julia Child: you're crying by the pound. crying is good. i cry when Mister Rogers combs his hair. but crying all the time will leave a permanent lump in your throat.
me: i'm an emotional man.
Julia: do you want a carrot down your throat the rest of your life? you weren't taught the right things, young man.
me: you mean life has nothing to do with math?
Julia: when you first leave for college, when you go away to university, the first time you're away from your parents in your life, AWAY is the key word. you can NEVER let that one opportunity get away from you. you must SEIZE that singular shot for all it is worth. like a Caesar salad. or you'll end up with seizures at your parents' house on your Christmas break.
me: is holiday Christmas or summer?
Julia: you can NEVER go back to your parents AGAIN. you can NEVER go back to the old house.
Morrissey: ...
Julia: that is the ONLY way to ensure you'll end up a TRUE PERSON. a human being who is FREE, free to wake up late to read a Thrasher magazine or at 4 AM to type something on the computer in silence. who gets his own place, who has to sell his body in a ginnel but at least he's making rent, who has a car!!! boy you will never get a wife unless you have a CAR!!! this is coming from someone how used to nick car boots for a living.
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