Superman: the enemy is in the attic. we must ration our food for the coming war.
Spider-Man: good idea, Supes. what do you recommend?
Superman: you know the Party Size of Salt N Vinegar Lay's chips isn't a thing, that bag doesn't exist.
Wonder Woman: you're an old bag.
Superman: don't talk about my coin pouch like that, woman.
Spider-Man: i hate guns, but i gotta say, i gotta admit, the Triangle Gun from Metroid is cool as fuck. what does it do?
Samus Aran: turns penises into vaginas.
Sylux: hence the triangle. Samus is Jewish. i'm from the island of Crete.
Wonder Woman: i wish i could fly in outer space...
Sherman Oaks Galleria: we're bringing back Lazer Tag!!! we're bringing back the triangle gun!!! all Valley Girls originated from THIS ONE mall!!!
Jackie Fitzgerald: you have to understand, Blond Rambo, i wouldn't have said yes to you if you hadn't come at just the right time.
Blond Rambo: i am not a good lover.
Jackie: for the first time in my life i was FREE. truly free. no more permanent lifelong entanglements taking up all my time. i had been caring for my old mother while she was in a protracted battle with brain cancer.
Brian Smith: Brian Cancer, Brian Damage, good names for a band with songs about a bully...
Jackie: and my daughter is MILES away in Seattle sleeping on Kurt Cobain's park bench. i could afford to fool around a little. go crazy. stray out of my lane, stray out of the norm. take you on as my boytoy.
Blond Rambo: am i just a lay to you? am i a bag of chips?
Jackie: i'm sorry, hun, i'm just not into the Rambo movies. i like black-and-white Oliver Stone films.
golf: it lies to you...
Chantal Kreviazuk: don't be playing hockey on those frozen ponds. that pond froze an hour ago...
Golf Channel: it's too much. it's just too much. golf was not meant to he analyzed THIS deeply...
Throw Momma from the Train.
Jen R: getting your tubes tied, that was big in the '80s, every woman did this.
Kim Greist: i am warm and '80s. i am a warm nostalgic '80s blanket. look into my eyes, my '80s eyes.
the '80s: the happiness of goodness.
Danny DeVito: i don't like going fast. i don't like life in the fast lane. i don't date.
Queensryche: ...
Armie Hammer: i mean what are the chances of TWIN bikers?
Jen R: remember envelopes on the refrigerator door in the '80s?...
Billy Crystal: you couldn't have had a pan made of felt cloth?
Talia: a pan made of lightweight litter.
Danny: my coin collection. i was never any good at the arcades...
Kim Greist: like my pizza brooch?
Billy: i should have graduated from Princeton Writing School.
Danny: Momma lets me go bowling every Wednesday night, i can't complain.
poa jelly: grass jelly that's grape jelly.
Momma: you black bastard!!!
Billy Crystal: what?
Momma: you're Gregory Hines, right?
salt: it prevents choking.
Momma: bury him in the FRONT yard.
Danny: i'm gonna lull you to forever sleep with some John Philip Sousa!!!
me: i wanna be a Toys-R-Us Kid.
Jen R: have kids.
Momma: the night was hot and close. like baseball in the Tokyo Dome.
Billy: the night was aftershave. the day was moonlight.
Abbot Butt: but isn't church-bingo gambling?
Kate Mulgrew: Shikamoto is my Adonis?!!! a Japanese-Hawaiian Pacific Islander man? that is REVOLUTIONARY in the '80s.
Billy: you can tell it's a nightmare because the wine glass in inverted.
Steven Spielberg: the book from this movie was better than this movie...
Kim Greist: those are cigars, not poo, i'm not into that.
Jen R: i want to pull the tab on the pop-up sex scene of this movie.
cryptic: in the sequel, Anne Ramsey, who was hiding in Hawaii, comes back and forces Billy Crystal to take care of her until she dies of natural causes at the age of 180. Kim Greist falls for Danny DeVito because they both want an ending that makes sense. Ernest Hemingway eats Owen.
Al Pacino: i got the eyes...
Butch Vig: i created the '90s.
Jillian Clare: i was in Days of our Lives but i proudly do NOT have an hourglass figure...
Mac and Me: that McDonald's was a beautiful rainforest...
Tokyo: we have the most people for a city, which is weird because we're on an island!!! there's no space!!!
Lucas from YOLO: Rainbow Trinity: there is nothing better in life than a 12-minute adult cartoon sitcom where the characters go to the park.
Jacques Pepin: you give us back the Statue of Liberty, we'll give you a Statue of Liberty made of butter.
Claudine Pepin: a Statue of Liberty made of cheese.
Valerie Allain: a Statue of Liberty made of chocolate.
Ann-Margret: a Statue of Liberty made of beans.
dad: a Statue of Liberty made of bread.
Lionel Richie: hello! *knocks on glass* wait, nobody has glass TVs anymore, it's all plastic flatscreens now...
Tsitsipas: calmate.
Badosa: you need to calm your own inner mind and bladder or you'll never win a major.
Wonder Woman: okay everybody gets ONE dry strand of spaghetti. called a spaghetto.
Superman: i love SpaghettiOs.
Wonder Woman: a spaghetti stick.
Spider-Man: i used to be able to shoot my webs where the spaghetti would form a cobweb.
Wonder Woman: as fresh spaghetti or dry spaghetti?
Spider-Man: not wet spaghetti, the dry stuff, hurt like hell, worse than wrist tattoos.
Superman: FINE, i'll make sacrifices like my fellow combatmen.
Wonder Woman: and war heroines.
Superman: i'll cut my hair, i'll get a Caesar cut as i eat my Caesar salad.
Spider-Man: there's Caesar salad?
Wonder Woman: finally you're doing something with that poo-curl on your head, Superman, that's not a hairstyle, that's an embarrassment, that's letting the world know you are old and need adult diapers or you'll shit in the park in the middle of the day.
Superman: i'll look like a Roman soldier. very 1930s. i don't like soup, i like salad, i learned that from Jerry Seinfeld.
Spider-Man: what is this war about anyway?
Wonder Woman: one side puts ketchup in the refrigerator, one side puts ketchup in the pantry.
Ukraine: only put ketchup in the refrigerator. that's it. that's what's recommended. this is coming from the ketchup-makers themselves. no war. war not needed. no war was necessary. this war is unprovoked and completely illegal.
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