OLD SUPERHEROES: FORKS IN THE BUTTER

 

in the nursing home Superman, Wonder Woman, and Spider-Man live together in one room and are all 80 years old.

Wonder Woman: why are there fork marks all in the butter in every-which-way crisscross patterns? my superpower is i keep this place from falling apart. i mean look at this grey tub of yellow Country Crock butter!!! it's ruined!!! this is community butter for all of us.

Superman: this is obviously Spider-Man's work, look at the pattern, it's a cobweb!!!

Spider-Man: that's low, man. you know i'm butter-intolerant.

Superman: fine it was me, i hadn't had a biscuit in 13 years. i was trying to melt the butter with my heat vision but i have glaucoma.

Superman: hey, one Shamrock Shake, two straws...

Wonder Woman: in your dreams, pal.

Superman: i used to have friends, super friends, but they all abandoned me. wanna be Superpals?

Wonder Woman: because you're an asshole who has no human filter. don't try and X-ray-vision my bottom, i'm wearing grannie panties under my dolphin shorts. the last person who ate my cunt down there was Aquaman in 1955 the only year he was cool. i was wet but that might have just been the ocean.

Superman: what do you see in Spider-Man?

Wonder Woman: Spidey is my boyfriend because he's nice, he covers his hate with NYC sarcasm.

Superman: there's poo in the shape of cobwebs all over all the walls here, i'm just saying.

Spider-Man: again not me, that was Nurse Ratched after her date with Jack Nicholson.

Jen R: is your corndog concussion over?

me: kiss my forehead.

Jen R: good because i didn't want to have to see Superman on your behalf, he's a real asshole.

Sartre: hell is other people.

me: Hell is being apart from the one you love.

Jen R: Hell's not fire.

Talia: i'm visiting Wonder Woman at the nursing home because she's cool. and nice, she pets me on the head AND the back. as a Catholic cat it's all about the convalescent homes in the '80s.

Wonder Woman: you are so adorable!!! i wish you were my supercat.

Talia: i am technically a superpet now.

Wonder Woman: how?

Talia: check this out, i can lift this 80-pound canister of kitty litter.

Wonder Woman: how?

Talia: it's lightweight litter...

Blond Rambo: okay fine, i traded in my hog for this Raleigh Chopper, happy now?

me: with the ding bell, nice touch.

Jen R: imagine doing your paper route on a motorcycle.

Jackie Fitzgerald: that's MY Raleigh Chopper!!! from when i was a little girl in the 1920s!!! 

Blond Rambo: which brings me to the first conversation i've had with you, i really truly need to find out what your daughter thinks of our relationship.

Jackie: you're young enough to be HER son!!!

Julia Ioffe: every person on Instagram is a community...

Annie Adamson hovering above the Blood Moon with a cylinder tin of Flower Quaker Oats: empathy must be universal. let EVERYONE into your DMs.

BombPoppie: how did we never meet?

Annie: we did in a previous life.

BombPoppie: we're bezzers beyond the beyond. we explain Heaven to men.

Annie: and we HATE fries. we eat potatoes like apples.

BombPoppie: and we wait for Robert Crumb to get here so we can finally do a live-action movie of one of his comic books.

Alexis de Tocqueville: the aristocracy would have LOVED Twitter...

Pablo Torre in an aquablue cardigan: i'm the last nice guy you can have a conversation with, and i'm from Harvard which is ironic.

Miley Cyrus: my name is Bob Smith.

Dragon Ball Z spaceship on Namek: it has armor AND plot armor...

me: remember when you said you'd go into the monastery with me and be a monk with me?

Jen R: yeah. 

me: i cried until noon that morning...

Jen R: monk bunk-beds. monk bunk.

Abbot Butt: being a monk is bunk.

me: the lake i cry is leaky eyes.

Jen R: the lake is a leak. a leak of love.

Crying Freeman: love wins even in the Yakuza. love wins even on the Yakuza submarine.

Eddie Glaude: i'm leaving the country...

Throw Momma from the Train.

throw mama from the train a kiss: copyright.

dad: that's not a typewriter, that's a toaster oven.

dad: old-school, the many crumpled-up white balls of paper by the wastepaper basket.

Toto: rattan wastepaper basket...

Kate Mulgrew: so my novel is a space opera about the time Captain Janeway fucked Neelix.

Jules Smith: two authors can have a blissful marriage.

Momma: don't worry, it's Lemon Lye-me. i loved the Goonies as my own children but they thought i was ugly.

Billy Crystal: it's just, a malted reminds me of my Mallomar bars. i mean this reads like some of thelatephoenix's worst pervy instincts on his blog. 

Danny DeVito: the dead guy killed his murderer, then the two went out for an ice-cream social together.

Billy Crystal: the night was hot, starring William Hurt.

Naugahyde: every college professor's swivel-chair.

Billy Crystal: i'm dating here, Owen!!!

Danny DeVito: i have no idea what that is.

Choo-Choo Charlie: i think i can i think i can i think i can in the '70s.

Jen R: the angled house, the tilted shrubbery, the island that has no dirt only green grass, the tiger jacket, this is all so Crying Freeman in real life.

gardener: you like it rough?

Kate Mulgrew: yes.

gardener: no, ruff-ruff.

Kate Mulgrew: i just grew like grass...

gardener: mulch.

Danny: Maui, i know my way around here in a taxi, i was in Romancing the Stone...

Danny: i can't push her overboard, her butt is too cute.

Danny DeVito: i'm SpongeBob SquarePants calling from a payphone on grass. your wife was a tart, she couldn't walk after the gardener took a hoe.

Billy Crystal: no, she has a limp from Vietnam.

Danny: do you wear your pants backwards?...

Kim Greist: shouldn't i have been on Star Trek: The Next Generation?...

Instagram: the land of false hope with out-of-your-league women.

David Byrne: a band is a gang...

Kurt Cobain: Anthony Bourdain.

Anthony Bourdain: we rhyme.

Clarissa Molina: place the Reese's Big Cup on the crook of the Tetris pillow...

Keith Haring: wait so my art now just hangs in the waiting rooms of doctor's offices?...

nurse at waiting-room window: the TV doesn't work. or it plays the Alice Christmas episode at 6 AM.

me: DAMN IT!!! I WAS TOO LATE!!! IT WAS JUST SNOW!!!

Storybook International "Riches or Happiness?".

me: i want to be the servant in every Storybook International story.

Jen R: no i'm the servant, you're the servant's wife.

bellydancing: the ancient strip-club...

Isla Blair: et.

Bartolomeo: One Piece's Boston Rob.

gardener: tree-trimming, not with Christmas lace, with chainsaws...

Michael Weiss: Instagram, everyone's gone, no one responds.

Ollie Wride: whenever you find yourself losing hope, remember i'm still in the world.

Wonder Woman: do you hear that? sounds like scuttling, scurrying. small critter, that's all we can handle now as our big bad. it's coming from UP there.

Superman flies straight UP but hits his head on the ceiling.

Superman: now THAT's a real concussion. that's a man's concussion.

Spider-Man: why are our three wheelchairs attached to each other with a big bolt? 

Superman: it's a giant nut.

Spider-Man: i'm trying to investigate here. my Spidey hearing is telling me it's coming from the attic.

when Spider-Man climbs the attic ladder, he notices the cobweb he shot up there has been punched through.

Spider-Man: there's a hole in my cobweb, it's a good thing i'm so old my webs aren't strong anymore, whatever it was the poor little guy got away, i'm happy about that.