I CANNOT BE WITH THE WOMAN I LOVE: HAALAND VS. PICKFORD, OILED, NAKED

 

Jen R: name one thing that makes you feel good.

me: why do i have to lie down on the psychiatrist TABLE? did you see that EPIC penalty kick between Erling Haaland and Jordan Pickford?

Jen: a gladiatorial gauntlet!!! a showdown of sun gods!!! soccer at the Acropolis. to be really Roman those two needed to be oiled, naked, with their togas around their ankles.

me: it went EXACTLY like this:

Jordan Pickford at the goalie spot: come on then. my antics are annoying only if i'm not on YOUR team.

Erling Haaland: do i speak English or Odinese?

Pickford after the block: JUST like that basketball guy i'm named after. I SLAY THE NORDIC CONAN WARRIOR BEASTMAN!!!

Haaland: i was too early. i cannot believe i lost to this Dickensian wastrel, this juvenile waif, who lives homeless on the streets of Surrey, a chimneysweep's sooty son.

Pickford: what was it that distracted you? my tongue? my Michael Jordan tongue? 

Haaland: no, your tongue is childish, Mike's tongue was cool. it was that joke you told in my ear right before i put foot to ball.

Pickford: why is New Year's always a disappointment? because they always drop the ball...

Snoop Dogg: slight correction, my SNL Mother's Day Message was to Tupac's mother...

Tupac's moms Afeni Shakur: how do you think my baby got on the label? why does DEEZ NUTS never stop being funny?

ESPN First Take producers: always be making Dan Orlovsky flustered, our ratings SPIKE whenever Orlovsky shows his puzzled face.

Dan Orlovsky: the audience loves seeing me agitated.

Michael Weiss: all Instagram is now is people posting pics about how tired they are and videos about how all they want to do is sleep...

Marianne Faithfull: i was Adele before Adele.

Magnus Carlsen in jeans: guys, i am REALLY BORED WITH CHESS. does anyone have Brooke Shields's number? i'll settle for the drummer from White Stripes. what's my next chess move going be on the chessboard? 501. i'm drinking coffee, black brew, i'm scared for the first time in my life...

Victor Wembanyama in NYC: this is boring, i'm beating people too easily, it's like me being tall all over again. does Magnus Carlsen play Chess in the Park? he's on every other chess circuit.

Magnus Carlsen: i love Chess in the Park, i can wear my jeans here. and the rats in Central Park all wear tiny Santa hats, unlike the pigeons, who wear tiny Mike Tyson boxing training jackets.

Virgin Mary: i have the same white rose as that Moonlight Knight guy from Sailor Moon...

Usagi: Mamoru, memory, get it?

Mamoru: my name means "bubblegum" in Japanese...

Vaporwave: life's not that easy. you know? life isn't just another moodpiece...

Mardith: eat pussy, not animals.

Eddie Vedder and Trent Reznor: animals, both meanings...

Jennifer Pizarro: i was the Primary Pussy, the Primary P, the Primary Pizarro.

Optimus Prime: Pizarro Prime.

mom and dad are in the big living room. dad is adjusting the extendable dining table. he pushes the table LONGER.

mom: Uncle Pat killed himself, remember?

dad pulls the extendable table SHORTER.

the duet no one saw coming.

Eddie Vedder: i'm from Seattle but i look like a Chicago guy.

Glen Hansard: come on, Vedder, reach for that high note on "Falling Slowly," after all you do sing "Black..."

Glen: like my old-man beard?

Eddie: i'm only friends with you because i should be with old Kurt now...

Ragunda: El Segundo in Sweden.

Time Masters (1982).

Liberace: i'm a prince like Vegeta.

gnome 1: why don't the humans treat this gold like party popcorn?

gnome 2: value, thought, concept, humans are too complicated for their own good.

boy: but i'll drown, i won't float, i'm a witchboy.

Sharon Stone: don't worry, i zapped Liberace with my glowing dart gun.

Sharon Stone: all women in space operas are secret lounge singers...

white angels: fear not, you won't turn to stone, we have no faces, just don't look at our dicks...

white angels: hey, this is our church, that's religious persecution!!!

Mick Jagger: why does this prison look like Matthew McConaughey's Time is a Flat Circle?

Liberace: we can fight them, Mick, i have the advantage, i'm wearing hippie clothes, they won't know how to fight me!!!

Mick: that's where you're wrong, we must defeat that GIANT LAVA LAMP!!!

gnomes: isn't it cool how we fly SILENTLY?

Lava Lamp: the thing is, in order to be free, there must be war...

Lava Lamp: oh damn, one of my white angels was Bloth from The Pirates of Dark Water!!!

Cobra Commander from G.I. Joe: all '80s cartoons had that same laser sound, it was as if the laser was wet, it was a WET LASER.

David Dennis Jr. from ESPN: i'm Ice-T in a suit.

Ice-T: business suit, not pimp suit.

Never Stop Being a Dad: don't leave the family, dad...

Jen R, Greykid, Trinity, Talia, and i are all in another small cramped claustrophobic room.

Jen R: the first step is to care for others. stop being selfish!!! stop thinking only of yourself!!! tend to your animals. i always see your cats and they always have their ears pinned back, your cats are frustrated with you, your cats are pissed off at you!!!

Talia: no our ears are pinned back like that because we're actually AT an airport.

Trinity: airplane ears are cute on cats.

Greykid: does this airport have a cat lounge?...

me: where is this flight we're all boarding going to?

Jen: i don't know. it's for your own good. it'll be healthy for you...