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Mister Rogers: so you're just never going to live in the modern world?
me: i mean today IS Quitters Day.
me: hi, Daniel Tiger. ugga mugga.
Daniel Tiger: thanks.
me: why does your clock not have hands?
Daniel Tiger: because time is an illusion. also, Mister Rogers said something about taking acid when he was designing the clock.
Mister Rogers: when you take Orange Sunshine, you can't tell time because your watch melts.
Lady Aberlin: ugga mugga, Daniel Tiger.
Daniel Tiger: thanks. meow meow. me-OW!!!
Lady Aberlin: for some reason i like you best. it's probably because you don't try to steal my milk.
Daniel Tiger: right now we're best friends, Betty, don't ruin it by becoming my kindergarten teacher.
me: why do you push that red-and-yellow dumptruck all the livelong day?
Daniel Tiger: because nobody cares about those poor CalTrans workers.
i crack open a new yellow slender carton of Mocha Mix and lick the spout.
me: My Tantric Lover. Stinged. for Sting. these are my benedictions.
Daniel Tiger: all the animals are at tide. i beg of you, help me live a good life. i tried to get that blue owl to help me but he speaks in riddles and Tootsie Roll Pops.
blue owl: something about P.E....
Lady Aberlin, turning around: well, how do i look? do you like my outfit? i'm auditioning for Night of the Living Dead later today.
Mister Rogers: not slutty enough. don't worry about Romero, he's a teddy bear.
Aberlin: i'm actually auditioning for the part of the bus driver...
Steejo: i'm here ready to eat your Scottish meat pie.
Suzy Lu: ...
Steejo: wait, why are we at a restaurant? you mean there actually is a thing called Scottish steak?!!!
Steve Jobs: i'm not Steejo...
Bruce Faulconer: cum is dumb.
Mayim Bialik: mail back.
Blue Sunshine.
red-robe mom: we live in if The Shining sprawling hotel was an apartment complex...
Melissa Maker: hey that's a cool dishwasher there with a spinning-carousel top shelf.
Anacin: aspirin for Family Guy.
mom: the kids want Pine-Sol?
Melissa Maker: the kids are cleaners. the kids want Strawberries N Cream Dr. Pepper...
Zalman King: see? being a superhero in real life is NOT glamorous. it involves killing a lot of knife-wielding housewives.
Rhoda manning the phones: Mary Tyler Moore, our First Female President, think about it...
the '70s: the last decade when you could just make out on the grass of a public park.
Gallagher: hey baby, it's me, Gallagher!!! without the mustache!!! what are you lookin' at, egghead?...
doctor: A LONG INSTRUMENT!!!.........not my dick...
director: there are no bald hippies, that was the message i was trying to get across with this movie...
Elvira: my tits made this movie Cronenbergian...
Zalman King: i hate guns. this is a dart gun.
Alice Ghostley: i had the perfect name to be on Bewitched!!!
Zalman King: just because my name has a Z doesn't mean i like ziplining in Hawaii or that i have a cool lighter. i'm Z-Rated...
bodyguard on a rampage: it's not a proper mall until it has an Atari Hard Drivin' module with a wheel for a joystick!!!
Zalman: that wheel is more haptic than my dart gun...
Barbra Streisand: this is my guest spot on French in Action...
discotheque: the best feature of a discotheque was the glass pane.
public payphone inside the public bathroom...
Helen Roper: not the caftans, don't shoot the caftans.
Stanley Roper: shoot the ferns in the botany department of the Mervyn's, i hate ferns.
Robin: Batman's bald!!! and he's gone batshit!!!
Tetris pillow: place the cookie on me in the early morning.
Jennifer: YOU'RE the one who's a snob!!!
Solid Snake: Jennifer please...
Jennifer: i mean you're a solid snake, you hiss, you sss, sss stands for Solid Snake Snob.
unfair deaths: Robin Williams, Steve Jobs, Kobe.
Robin Williams: so many more things to invent between the three of us. i was gonna invent the first GOOD Legend of Zelda handheld game. and a grey NES railroad-tracks cartridge from the '80s, the Mrs. Doubtfire video game.
Kobe: i was gonna be Black Steven Spielberg.
Steve Jobs: no bozos. Bezos? maybe...
Jimmy Carter with that beautiful smile of his: no mail today...
Daniel Tiger: why do i live in a clock? why is my house a grandfather clock? are you my grandfather, Mister Rogers? why must i chew Zebra gum?
Mister Rogers: it's not a grandfather clock, it's a time machine. i've always been jealous of Doctor Who. Doctor Who swooped into PBS in 1974 and took over my land. Doctor Who was cooler than me, cooler than my neighborhood, and they could say fuck and shit!!! so i'm gonna use this time machine, your place, to travel back in time to get my hands on their TARDIS. their thing will blow up. into uncontrollable popularity. there will be an explosion. of new sci-fi nerds. i'm using a time machine to get a TARDIS, isn't that impossible?
Daniel Tiger: what about the meantime? you're not gonna feed me?
Mister Rogers: don't worry, Trump will pardon Joe Exotic. Joe Exotic will come around here to the clock and see that you're fed from time to time. he'll open your clock cage every once in a while.
Bob Dylan: time out of mind.
Mister Rogers: you're gonna have to learn the hard lesson. and i'm the one to teach it. remember The Cosby Show?
me: of course. that show shaped my entire outlook on life. i never knew doctors and lawyers could be funny. Theo and the boys.
Mister Rogers: no, not the seminal show, the Cosby show of the '90s. Cosby from 1996.
me: oh yeah, that CBS show. it was like The Cosby Show of the '90s, very surreal.
Mister Rogers: right. it was The Cosby Show but they were in the '90s. do you know HOW they were in the '90s?
me: sure, Bill Cosby was riffing on futons and stuff.
Mister Rogers: no, if you notice Bill Cosby started talking directly to the camera to deliver his jokes. he had to change with the times, he realized he was one scandal away from being canceled and he'd be forced to go back on the road again with his tired '70s stand-up.
Mister Rogers: one day in the '80s Bill Cosby stormed onto this set demanding i give him a loan of $100.
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