Wednesday, January 15, 2025

NINTENDO THE MUTE: PURE UMAMI

 
















me: i crave quiet. i seek silence.
Nintendo: being a mute is not the same thing. it's a hard life.
me: omg i discovered BRUSCHETTA!!! you know? sun-dried tomatoes, tapenade, better than spaghetti sauce, it's like pure unfiltered umami, i love how OILY it is, it's so damn unctuous.
Nintendo: yeah i know. trust me, you'll get tired of it after the fourth can serving. what cut of artichoke do you dream of?
me: only the crowns, i never got into the hearts.
Nintendo: who do you think you are, a prince who doesn't have to wear pants? it's because you HAVE no heart. do you feel for others?
me: that takes me back. summer ugly-theater-kid camp in the '80s. the only card game we played was Hearts. Bob Barker petting our parrots backstage. Hearts is so sumptuous, it's the only tavern game that can bring weirdos together.
Nintendo: Sticky Thirteens is that initiation i did at Woodland Hills Tech.
me: i discovered putting artichokes in spaghetti.
Nintendo: i mean none of this is new. i put artichokes in my fiesta chicken.

JUST THEN Matt and Skylar come into the Safeway hands locked.
me: what's going on with those two?
Nintendo: it's better than the internet. 
Nintendo shouts over.
Nintendo: HEY YOU GUYS!!! wanna go to the Super Bowl in New Orleans?
before Matt can get out his broomstick he uses as a bat, the couple has disappeared. then reappear again.
Skylar: holy fuck that was a CLOSE game!!! and i hate football.
Matt is wearing beads on his penis.
me: how'd you do that?
Nintendo: Friday.
me: you get paid Friday?
Nintendo: both meanings.
me: i've noticed all the Super Bowl New Orleans merch already on the shelves!!! that is HILARIOUS. Super Bowl New Orleans paper plates, Super Bowl New Orleans napkins, Super Bowl New Orleans plastic sporks, a Super Bowl New Orleans fishing rod...

Steve Kerr: i was the clutch field-goal kicker of the Bulls. i was the Adam Vinatieri of the Bulls.

Concrete Charlie: when Charlie Brown gets REALLY angry.
Lucy van Pelt: i am Lars von Trier's daughter, that makes some sort of sense, right? the metaphor of the football. moving the goalposts of life. the darkness within. save UCLA from the fires.

Michael Weiss: the Instagram heart emoji denotes platonic love...

Saraband.
Ingmar Bergman: my monologues watch over you. my monologues cover you in glory. my monologues are severe.
Ingmar: my first book was Kierkegaard, hence my career. imagine if my first book had been Robert Crumb... 
Henrik: dad i know you love books, but this is not your university attic-office, you're just a hoarder.
Johan: Marianne is gathering strawberries.
Ingmar: WILD strawberries...

Henrik: dad i need $100,000. look, when you made the decision to have a son, you guaranteed you'd end up penniless.
Henrik crying man tears: that's a little HARSH, dad. my book is big in America, not Japan. when i was 17 years old i got mad at you for eating my Big League Chew. 
Johan: why are cellos so fucking expensive? i'll carve a cello out of that tree out back!!! 
Henrik: not everything is with your bare hands, dad.

Ingmar: my favorite place, a church.
Henrik: the organist is expecting, her name is Mrs. Talbot.
me: i became a handicap when dad died.
Jen R: no, you were a handicap before.
me: Jen, i see you coming through the gate, on a foggy windless autumn morn, you're wearing denim.
Jen R: no that's Brooke Shields.

Kobe: the church candles look like a basketball.
Liv Ullmann: Jesus had a son?...
Freud: i smoked Swisher Sweets. 
Ingmar: aging is an illness. but it's better than the alternative, immortality is unseemly.
Uppsala: down the lakehouse.
letter: I was impressed with the young musician. she had a nice butt in those beige jeans and deceptively big tits.

Liv: life is not a chore, Ingmar was always smiling.
Ingmar: i enjoyed the dusting. the best part of our marriage was the dusting.
Abbot Butt: you can't be older than 22.........to be a monk...
Anna: i never wanted to live in Sweden. i wanted to live in Iraq.
Young Artist Concert: hosted by the girl from LazyTown.
Karin at the MTV Video Music Awards: thank you for this Young Artist Spaceman. i'd like to thank Milli Vanilli, Quincy Jones, Stradivarius for being jealous of me, and my dead mama Anna for giving me God.

Katy Tur, Pacific Palisades-born and raised: my first job was at Pali Pizza...

Sailor Moon: Japanese Barbie and Friends...

Talia the cat: i cry like a human baby, i really want milk.

me: don't leave your best friend hanging.
Jen R: my daughter smashed my phone.
me: it's just, the fire thing. you know? the fire thing was your thing...

Blossom on Night Court: remember, ever since the Christmas episode which saved us, whenever there's a new episode of Night Court, we all take two Vanquish...

Patrick McEnroe: i had to go to speech therapy to help me with my Ss. i had a hard time uttering my Ss.
John McEnroe: you were Solid Snake?
Patrick using his thumbs: while you were off starhumping with Bjorn Borg, the nuns disappeared me for five years.

Daniil Medvedev in the Australian Open: so i just got done playing a match that started at 2AM and finished at 7AM.........i am not happy...

me: my dream is to be at a Nottingham Forest home game in the stands for a soccer match next to Jules Smith. kissing Jules Smith. a soccer snog.
Jules Smith: we're wearing matching Notts soccer scarfs.
me: is it scarfs or scarves?
Jules Smith: scarfs sounds better. the fresh misty smell of the pitch green-grass.
me: it never has to be watered, it's raining in the UK right now...

Lorne Michaels: why couldn't SNL be off until after the Super Bowl in New Orleans? first show back the 50th Anniversary. my performers need a REST. my clowns are spent. my hacks need a recoup.

Ms. Krause: my favorite word is amid.

dad: i don't believe in coincidences, i believe in signs. there are no palatial estates except a Storybook International palatial estate.

Learner Tien in the Australian Open wearing a Dragon Ball Z Starter jacket: i have two eyes. i'm in training to get three eyes...

Nintendo: but you're right, i do enjoy the silence, like when i'm working the bakery. 
me: i love that place, went with Jen all the time, used to. does Squeaky still work there?
Nintendo: the guy who looks like if Ian Curtis was fat? yes.

Nintendo: it was a morning as any other and Squeaky was sweating.
Squeaky: i hate my shift, i have to take ALL the donuts from out behind the glass box and lay them on this rolling tray, for no reason. and then put them back. just leave them in there. and then they told me i had to separate the wet donuts from the dry donuts before lunch. i'll never get that done before lunch.
me: yeah why are Safeway donuts SQUARE DONUTS?
Nintendo: it's very simple. they do it for me. in the soundless of the busy store i close my eyes to see. i can see inside the donuts like an X-ray. only i can see this. the donuts with the gold coin in them are the wet donuts because they're happy. wet dough like wet humans is happy dough.
me: Mario blocks, classic.
Nintendo: the quiet helps me concentrate. it's not about time, i don't give a fuck about no dated timecard you punch. i punch my timecard in the nuts. 
  








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