LIFE: IT JUST DIDN'T TURN OUT THE WAY I'D HOPED: LADY ELAINE'S DARK COIN

 

me: i am deeply unhappy.

and so i take a walk. farther than i usually walk. past my usual licorice streets up across the hills that slice like gingernut bread. soon i'm in a strange neighborhood that's strangely familiar. i walk up to the nearest post, with the three brick steps, that inflatable blue circle pool on the curvy front lawn. 5449.

i knock.

Mister Rogers: i have a gun.

me: please. i'm unhappy so i figured i'd go back to the last place i felt happy in my life.

Mister Rogers through the door: you can't come in yet. what did she do to you?

me through the door: i'll never forgive her. she wasn't there for me during the holidays. friends don't abandon friends in December!!!

Mister Rogers: i'm opening the door SLOWLY. to let the flies in.

me: thank you, sir. you're my hero. can i shake your hand? 

Mister Rogers: i'm wearing a glove, it's always winter on PBS. 

me: okay, i'll shake your hand through the door. 

i take a gander at my childhood.

me: WOW!!! the famous living room!!! you know it looks bigger on TV. the carpet and the stairs. the closet with one hanger. 

Mister Rogers: you got a screw loose, kid. better tighten it or you won't amount to much in life. if you're a failure, i don't want you as my neighbor.

me: it's just, i don't know, when the clock struck Jan 1, 1990, it was all downhill from there for me.

Mister Rogers: you're seeing the '80s with purple-colored glasses. there were hard times. like for instance take the '80s cartoon Ewoks. right? you couldn't PAY ME to watch that show. to HAVE to watch EVERY episode of Ewoks would be cruel and usual punishment.

me: the Ewoks made good cereal tho.

Mister Rogers: do you want me to measure your feet for ballet shoes? 

me: i wish i had cool Ewok feet instead.

Mister Rogers: let me take you downtown. you'll see how i REALLY survived the '80s.

we enter an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in the grimy part of town. Mister Rogers is wearing his Starter Pittsburgh Steelers jacket. i'm wearing my Starter Coca-Cola jacket. sitting next to us in the chair circle is Lady Elaine Fairchilde in a dress.

Lady Elaine Fairchilde: i'm wearing a paper-thin cream-colored Courtney Love grunge dress. not for show. not as a fashion statement. because i have to. i'm not wearing any underwear.

moderator: what made you start drinking? 

me: me? i never started drinking, my parents were always too poor to afford alcohol.

moderator: i drink in moderation. and you?

Mister Rogers: when i became a Sunday-school teacher like Jimmy Carter i knew my life was over, so i started drinking. 

Cam Newton: i dress like this because i want to be on 1990s Nickelodeon...

Age 35: the age to be...

Daft Punk "End Titles": this song should be called "Severe"...

Blue Sunshine.

doctor: don't adjust your English subtitles, i was talking to my elderly nonna old-woman patient in Slavic. got any more of those pierogis, my grandma dumpling grand dame?

babysitter: kids, happily ever after doesn't exist. Rapunzel had the right idea, be alone with long hair. and NEVER date a senator!!!

Jules Smith: Halo the wolfit!!!

screaming mom: I MADE THAT CHOCOLATE PUDDING FOR YOUR FATHER AT 4AM!!!

man with dog: being a cop is easy. donuts and a lot of running. 

wife: okay, but why does my cop husband dress like the mafia?

mafia husband with parrot on head: don't worry, i'm thinking about the San Diego Zoo, Jimmy Buffett, and Yajirobe's Great Ape form, in reverse order.

Zalman King: this is an IHOP but there's a pancakeless chateau inside, it's the perfect place for a sex scene. sex scenes require ATMOSPHERE. sex romps need snow. cold? at least night ice...

bowling-dance singer: panic not, i'm simply a big fan of Nosferatu, the GOOD Nosferatu.

woman: can you get me some Robitussin Honey in 1977? 

Nosferatu: look, i just don't like Christmas, okay?...

in the cab of the truck.

laughing man: hey, look at the size of this cookie, it's larger than my head.

Cookie Monster: doesn't this truck remind you of Mel's Diner from Alice?...

Kevin Belton: look up with your eyes with flair when you dance, like this.

Zalman King: if i YELL AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS that i didn't kill him, that's like a jury-trial acquittal.

detective: so uh, miss, you're a witness and you look like Molly Ringwald.

Molly Ringwald: i didn't steal any clothes...

detective: come on, all you wear are pink clothes!!! this is all Law & Order's fault. and my partner looks like Starsky & Hutch.

doctor: did you know that if you have asthma, they won't let you into medical school?

woman in Mickey Mouse shirt: sex is bad for the body, your hair falls out and it adversely affects your biorhythms.

Fuerza: no, that's not true, the ONLY purpose of the body is to fuck. i created humans because they were meant to have FUN. i was the first editor of Cosmo Magazine...

Eddie campaign poster: i'm not a Lizard Person, my baby son weighs 46 pounds...

Melissa Maker: look how cool this Art-Deco City is!!! is this supposed to be Toronto in the 1970s?...

Zalman King: i can't go to prison!!! i'm too delicate!!! i make prison porn, that's not realistic!!!

newspaper with Dick Clark selling cigarettes on the back: How To Beat The Weekend Blues, this headline is what the movie is named after.

Sailor Moon R: The Movie.

Mamoru: i'm the Bruce Wayne of Sailor Moon. 

Tuxedo Mask: what's Batman's favorite flower?

Dionne Warwick: that's what friends are for.

villain: YOU LIE!!! you're just PRETENDING THAT YOU CARE!!!

Usagi: i mean i'm completely naked in front of you...

Michael Weiss: but why is it creepy for the man to use the heart emoji?...

Michael Weiss: i can't do another 90 years of daily inspirational Instagram quotes...

Sonic Youth "Bull in the Heather": same beat as Q Lazzarus "Goodbye Horses..."

Q Lazzarus: they said they couldn't market me because of my dreadlocks. um, Female Bob Marley, anyone? hello? is anybody out there? it's fine, i didn't want to be marketed, i was weird and wanted to disappear.

cats: we SCATTER right at 12NOON before you have a chance to spot us with your third eye...

McDonald's brown bag: NEVER eat those 3 straggler french fries at the bottom of the bag with ketchup, those 3 fries must be eaten AS IS.

MotorWeek on PBS: supercars without the British swearing...

Jimmy Carter, Titan: the only way to beat Orange Sunshine is with Blue Sunshine, Kamala beating Trump.

St. Kilda: the sea baths are in New Sealand.

Ulysses 31: Richie Rich in space...

Nono the red robot: my head is a coffee French press.

Invincible Fight Girl: the blonde woman in the violet bubble exosuit is Madonna...

Linda Lavin: the greatest day of my life was when i shook the frail hand of Annette Funicello at the MS Ward in Encino. i played Annette Funicello in that Lifetime Movie you know... 

Chris Lyddane: no it wasn't, it was when you met ME!!!

President Joe Biden: i have no idea who Lionel Messi is, i wanted to give one to Pele but they said i couldn't.

there's a break from the rehab and i use the opportunity to take out the cigarette i'd been keeping in my shirtpocket since 1978. the smoke, as is often the case, takes me back to Lansing, transports me to the tundras of ice and cold and snow. the frigid floats of air. where BombPoppie is still alive. and well. the when doesn't matter.

BombPoppie: it's actually not so bad here. 

me: what do you do all day?

BombPoppie: eat. i can finally eat the stuff i always wanted to. like meat popsicles in vanilla ice cream. i finally escaped the hell of Michigan. i flew to Canada, my real hometown, in one second, that was nice. it's a different kind of cold in Canada, it's a warm cold.

Lady Elaine Fairchilde: sonny, take it from me, i'm a puppet, i know clothes. wear your sweatshirt OVER your sweater to stretch it out. 

me: oh god, i'm wearing two sweaters now without giving it a second thought, i think about Jen R ON INSTINCT!!!

Lady Elaine: see this AA coin? it's a sponsor coin. a coin infused with dark magic and the ghostly demons of Fred Rogers. every night after AA i take the coin home with me to sleep with it at night.

me: on yeah, that house of yours is cool, it's like the Chick Hearn 1970s Lakers L.A. Forum if it was a spinning museum of Ancient Roman artifacts. 

Lady Elaine: a carousel of clay. i drink for TWO. each night i don't just drink MY booze, i drink the booze Mister Rogers WOULD HAVE DRUNK. 

moderator: now THAT's a sponsor.

Lady Elaine: i do this because i love you, Fred, and i don't ever want to see you get hurt.

Fred Rogers: thank you kindly.

Lady Elaine: i did that to that coin. i put the spell on that coin. hence my red nose. i didn't look like a witch before...

Mister Rogers: that's how i've been able to stay clean and sober for 30 years...