LIFE: IT JUST DIDN'T TURN OUT THE WAY I'D HOPED: LADY ABERLIN'S WHEELS

 

me: is that an exercise machine in the closet?

Lady Aberlin: they told me it was a chest expander...

Mister Rogers: but it's for men, too...

Aberlin: well, the food's here. don't take it all at once, PBS has a budget. don't be greedy, Mister Rogers, don't stain the food with your grubby fingers.

Mister Rogers: okay i'll take these Castelvetrano olives from Castlevania, this democracy sausage, and these Feastables. is there anything you want Betty Aberlin for?

me: i can't say on PBS.

Mister Rogers: they don't let me get the food around here. PBS doesn't feed me. the only way i eat is for Lady Aberlin here to feed me with her own personal private Meals on Wheels.

me: i checked out your delivery trike out on the front lawn, it was RAD!!!

Aberlin: my tricked-out trike, yeah it helps me decompress when i'm out on the road, you know? the food i deliver is in a tow cube hooked to the back of my tricycle, i drive with my eyes closed as i zone out to some music.

me: what's in your ears? what's in your headphones?

Aberlin: "Fresh" by Kool & the Gang.

i ride bitch on Lady Aberlin's tricycle as she takes me to Chef Brockett's Bakery to load up on supplies.

me: this is more like a tri-motorcycle, the roads obey IT.

Chef Brockett: hi Betty. what's on the agenda this morning?

Aberlin: cookie o'clock. the Cookie Time Friends cookie jar.

Chef Brockett: so the only thing i know how to make is cake, okay? yeah so the only thing Mister Rogers will ever eat is cake.

me: hey it's good to see you out and about again after your heart attack, you actually look HEALTHIER now.

Chef Brockett: yeah i had a bit part in Flashdance and i accidentally saw Jennifer Beals naked in her dressing room which triggered the heart attack. but i'm okay now. i'm all better now.

MrBeast: like really my whole thing was i wanted to change the world by reinventing Lunchables...

democracy sausage: come on!!! bring back the boys!!! Bill Clinton and Boris Johnson in the same room partying!!! 

smelly 1776 candles: what? they smell like McDonald's beef-tallow fries...

Peter Yarrow sitting on Mister Rogers's bench: "Puff the Magic Dragon" is about a dragon. 

Jackie Paper: i was the ONLY Little Rascal because i was the only orphan who survived the fire. i grew up to be the fourth Beastie Boy. 

Hoda Kotb: Honah Lee is me. will you miss me?...

the TRANSLATION button: turns your finely-crafted sentiment in your native language into lies...

native tongue: you need a tongue to kiss but not necessarily to speak...

mother tongue: Fuerza's tongue.

Edgar Allan Poe: i hate everything i've written...

Harry Maguire: do you know why i have such an interesting face? i was born at a Stealers Wheel concert...

Zachary Quinto: i'm sorry but NOBODY is gonna watch 3 STRAIGHT one-hour episodes of Brilliant Minds. not even the fans.

Justin Trudeau: Trump is President again, so i'm resigning now in order to spend more time with my Melania i mean family. it's one of those Robert Kennedy/Marilyn Monroe arrangements...

Melania: Justin, i'll get you those socks you love so much from Macy's.

Marc Chagall: people think i was an 1870s painter but i really was a 1970s painter, i hung out with Kotter and Shel Silverstein while wearing a taxi-driver tam o'shanter...

Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen are naked in bed together.

Ted Danson: gosharooney that was a fine orgasm.

Mary Steenburgen: not what i expected Sam Malone to say. your O Face is goofy. 

Ted: pass the Triscuit box, honey, i love when it's just salt at the bottom.

Mary: i mean yeah i liked The Monkees, too. that show was colorful, Cheers was just loud.

the last five minutes of El Gordo y La Flaca: the Chris Matthews Hardball Roundtable...

Blue Sunshine.

woman in blue robe: are you the Palmolive Man?...

Zalman King: i mean if the house has a rage room like this, it really should be condemned.

Zalman: this is more effective than my asthma inhaler...

Ned's Bookstore: Stanford University, figures.

Olmec: bring back the GOOD game shows!!!

Ed Flemming, political candidate: i would NEVER talk to a stranger like this in real life, but this is the '70s...

bodyguard: i played linebacker for the Stanford football team.

woman: sorry, Lurch isn't my type.

heavy woman in showercap on surgery gurney: are you SURE this surgery will turn me into Darth Vader?...

nurse: DON'T YELL AT ME!!! take the scalpel, i need the sponge for myself. your fault.

doctor: a door made of dark mahogany wood, so '70s.

Blue Cheer: we invented heavy metal.

Led Zeppelin: ...

Lurch: meet me at the discotheque. it's 1977, only three more years before no more dates at the discotheque...

apartment-complex mom: Heidi is giving me a headache, is there a football game on? where's my aspirin? Hormel Tamales come over the Mexico border in the '70s and no one complains.

Zalman: your divorced husband will win the election.

divorced wife: Eddie's a good salesman, he hooked me. in, not on drugs.

Kevin Smith: hi.

Lady Betty Aberlin: look, it's cool that you found a part for me in your Dogma movie, it's a cool cameo, it's  a touching tribute, a rad role, it's nice, but i really didn't like playing a nun. the whole nun thing is played out.

Kevin Smith: i can't talk to you, i'm too nervous, i'm Silent Bob.

me: i sat through Clerks because that was historic, that was the first mumblecore movie. but i can't do any more Kevin Smith movies, i am sorry, Kevin Smith. you are cool tho, Kevin Smith, i like how you're a writer/director but you're just one of the fans like us.

Lady Aberlin: i swear to you, PBS didn't notice i had tits the first 20 years i worked there...