SASKATOON SPA DAY: VEGAS VANISHING

 

Jen drives me to Wells Fargo.

Jen R: can you smoke in a bank parking lot?

i return emptyhanded to the car with my card.

Jen: what happened? that was my first drag.

me: my card was rejected at the VersaTeller. insufficient funds, i'm actually at -300 dollars. underwater. all the cash for the month is gone after the first week.

Jen: paying for your lights. so your lights don't get punched out. 

me: i can't get any money out until May. and i so wanted that red box of 30 Coca-Cola Classic cans.

Jen: well that was a stupid trip. do you think either of us will make it to Summer Vacation 2025?...

Melissa Maker: do you want to go to the One Piece Cafe in Las Vegas?

me: i was thinking The Makery in Little Tokyo. same kind of thing tho. you're BIG into art, right?

Melissa: Downtown Los Angeles, where i make my stand, where i stake my claim as voice actress. and grocery-shop at Erewhon every Tuesday at 10 AM.

me: every time i clean the lint trap in my dryer i think of you.

Melissa: yeah let's move beyond that.

me: that lint trap looks like a washboard.........not the cleaning tool, the musical instrument...

me: me, Melissa, me and Lissa...

Melissa: don't.

Melissa: i need to disappear. i need a vacation.

me: the vanishing pools!!! Vegas is littered with them!!! don't go into the Vegas desert to disappear...

Melissa: well, day spas will no longer have masseuses, all of that has been kicked to one side...

the two of us swim underwater through the Carmilla corridor to our final spa room.........in Canada.

The Big O Days of our Lives end-credits theme song.

could it be true? could it be real?

my heart says that you're the one.

i've THIS TIME found the one.

you're better than the real thing...

Lorne Michaels: SNL takes an EXTENDED BREAK in the middle of every season each year to allow ample opportunity for Colin Jost and Scarlett Johansson to make a baby...

Michael Weiss: Instagram is hustling.

Sammy Sosa: wait so Americans are JUST NOW discovering the crazy culture of Caribbean baseball?...

Matt: shrimp fraud has an easy fix, put the shrimp in the air fryer...

Luke Russert: do you juice?

Tai: yes.

Luke: do people who do yoga take steroids?

Tai: i mean, what would be the point? people who yoga do yogurt. i thought you were talking about lemon water...

Rick Pitino: Risk Pitino...

Applebee's: i mean our competition isn't really McDonald's, it's more like rg burgers.

AOC: we need to be a party of brawlers!!! fuck it, i'm DNC Chair!!!

Mr. Boddy: you can play ANY game alone if you try hard enough, especially Monopoly and Clue...

Steejo: are you sure you're Scottish, luv?

Suzy Lu: yeah, why?

Steejo: you don't like beer.

Suzy Lu: beer is nasty. 

Kakashi: the Scots caused all the problems in X-Men '97, i'm just saying. i'm Japanese. staying at a holiday cottage all by myself is not fun for me anymore like it was when i was a kid...

Suzy Lu: sorry, Susie Dent, but you didn't "invent" the Scottish word hurkle-durkle...

Tom Waits: Beethoven was my father, but it wasn't a Mr. Holland's Opus situation, i'm not deaf...

Saquon Barkley: here's how the Eagles win the Super Bowl: use another running back!!! don't use me!!! Spags won't see it coming!!! Spags won't know what hit him!!!

Spags: a running back will hit me, a running back will mow me down. but not the one i planned for.

Stevie Wonder: Songs in the key of Spags.

Taylor Swift: Saquon's bark is worse than his bite. the Chiefs will win the Super Bowl.........by 3 points, we're annoying like that...

braan: a LOT of bran so your brain is able to conceive of the concept of the brane...  

finally Melissa Maker and i fuck.

Melissa: harder harder harder harder harder harder HARDER.

me: can i cum in your mouth please?

Melissa: just over the tits.

me: thank you. this reminds me of that clean-your-yoga-mat video of yours...

Melissa: didn't you tell me you'd fuck me so hard i wouldn't be able to walk for a week?

me: well you're not walking. you're swimming. we made love underwater. 

Melissa and i join together post-coitus at Melissa's bellybutton, swirl around into each other, and turn into a siphonophore. this siphonophore stays underwater in the chamber of spa rooms until the spa off-season...

Brian from Family Guy: it insists upon itself.........can i turn into a siphonophore with Heather Locklear?...

Marianne Faithfull wearing dental headgear around her jaw: i am living proof a hardened heroin junkie can live to the ripe old age of 80...

Sid Vicious: fuck you, Marianne, you had faith. don't tell Johnny Rotten this but you were my religion, Marianne, you were my heroin heroine.

dad: i had to wear dental headgear in l968. the Summer of Love was the Summer of Ortho for me.

Suzy Lu: i wear dental headgear and it's 2025. my teeth are AWFUL.

Dick Button: Maria Callas, Judy Garland, and Tonya Harding had a Lou Andreas-Salome/Paul Ree/Nietzsche threesome thing going on...

Faye Dunaway: so THAT's my identity!!!

Tonya Harding: Nancy Kerrigan taught me how to box...

Spyglass Hill: where the Treasure Island sequel novel is being written by George R.R. Martin... 

George R.R. Martin: i live on the 17th green in the hole. 

Richard Williamson: i'm in Hell...