i'm sliding my lucky pennies from dad into the Safeway coin-casher when a hand comes at me from behind, towering over me with its sinister shadowy breath. clutching my shoulder. i think it ominous because i haven't been touched in decades. i'm about to whisper "I did nothing wrong........." but the feeling is so WARM, a warmth i've never experienced. it's Nintendo the bagboy. with his thin mustache and beautiful assuring friendly Filipino face.
Nintendo: you're doing it all wrong, my friend.
it's the "my friend" i glom onto.
me: how do you mean?
Nintendo: do this to catch eternity.
he hands me a GIANT gallon clear-blue-plastic Arrowhead Water bottle from the 1980s.
Nintendo: this empty water bottle carries 30 pounds of COINS. i finished it for you. next time.
me: oh. thanks. yeah, that makes sense, more cost-effective this way. this water bottle looks familiar.
Nintendo: sure, it's from the AYSO game in Brazil between Ronaldo's kid and Messi's kid.
i have this entire conversation with Nintendo without turning my head to see his face. he's shorter than me.
Steve Irwin: wait mate, you mean you can EAT a stingray?!!!...
Chuck Bednarik: a cigar AND a cigarette, better than pot.
Birkin: how can a bag cost $30,000? it's just not possible.
Saraband.
me: i know i'm gonna be crying black lakes at the end of this...
Liv Ullmann: i married the man. he was a photographer. these are a LOT of Polaroids!!!
Ingmar Bergman: yeah sorry, it's just i've always been OBSESSED with photographers.
Liv: i'm not gonna talk to him. i'm gonna let him sleep on the porch as i go play miniature golf with Annika Sorenstam.
Liv: i'm so old i gave my age in English.
Johan: i know there's a God. because Michigan Wolverine football. Jim Harbaugh is in fact God.
Liv: i always knew God was a doofus jokester with a glint in his eye. philosophizing just headily enough to make college students wet in their trousers.
Johan: i just went in my trousers.
Johan, shaking his head: my son. chamber music is the new heavy metal. how's our daughter Martha?
Liv: insane asylum.
Johan: yeah that's about right. there's really no point in visiting her, right?
Liv: nah.
Johan: my page of answers says...
Ingmar: it's blank.
Johan: an old priest told me something. the point is we didn't fuck enough in our marriage, Liv.
Liv: lovers are legion, friends are few.
Liv: the dentist.
Karin: i know. the overhead dentist light looks like a water buffalo. why does your kitchen tile backsplash have a TARDIS?
Paul Hindemith: my classical music was soft like Bjork music.
Ingmar: cello playing instructions are meaningless.
Karin: and i ran through the M83 "Midnight City" woods...
Liv and Karin are drinking together, laughing and giggling and reminiscing.
Liv: i killed the glider pilot. the funny thing was no one cared.
Liv, tearing: he's a moving person.
Ingmar: not an emotional person.
Liv: um, Ingmar dear, you do understand that when i'm describing Johan's faults i'm really talking about all YOUR shortcomings...
Jen R: there is nothing more loving in this life than the making of coffee for two. the sound of Sanka. the clink of the cups.
Ingmar: a distant night. of painful longlasting uncertainty...
me: i do not fear death. i do not fear Hell. i do not fear evil. for i am simply a devotee of the films of Ingmar Bergman. i am simply a lover of words. Ingmar Bergman's words protect me like a porch blanket.
Gary Hall Jr.: if only Zeus had a swimming pool...
Jakob Dylan: Timothee Chalamet? why didn't I play Bob Dylan?!!!
The Grief of Pi-Kari: the Halloween episode of Storybook International...
Whale Rider: Maori maudlinness.
me: i can't live without you, Jen R.
Jen R: this story made me cry. this is what would have happened if Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore had had a kid in Ghost...
Michael Weiss: i don't need your Instagram likes, i need your money.
Kendrick Lamar: in honor of Los Angeles, we all squabble up.
Michael Weiss: why didn't anybody tell me Instagram would be so lame? and a living Hell.
Jennifer Pizarro: even if you had gotten my phone number, you wouldn't have called it...
Julie Patzwald: good name for a goth band: Sleeping Shark.
Peewit: a bed opened up at the monastery!!!
Abbot Butt: no, we were calling to have you placed in the mental institution...
Michael Weiss: life is a joke. Instagram, the Joker.
Michael Weiss: girl we aren't in a group chat. it's just you and me.
Julia Ioffe: ...
to my SHOCK and amazement it's Nintendo wearing a Mexican bombero jacket the cashier when it's time for me to ring my Safeway groceries.
but i notice something. everyone in line can't understand what he's saying to them. then i realize that he's not moving his mouth!!! Oreo the dog has been BARKING barks of joy at having been found in the fires and Nintendo hasn't noticed Oreo ONCE!!!
Nintendo: that's right. i ring up people's groceries, show them the screen with my finger, they pay, and i gave the people their change. not one word uttered.
me: you're a mute?
Nintendo: i listen to people. i listen to what people have to say. and i help where i can.
i check inside my bag.
Nintendo: okay that's 2 pound stingray filets in crushed-ice cellophane, one rectangular box spaghetti...
Jen R: the spaghetti cooks in 9-11 minutes, i kid you not...
Nintendo: one bag Doritos Sweet & Tangy BBQ, yeah these Doritos taste like St. Cyril's recess Barbecue CornNuts...
Ingmar Bergman: wanna menu of darkness?
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