SASKATOON SPA DAY: VEGAS VANISHING

 

Jen drives me to Wells Fargo.

Jen R: can you smoke in a bank parking lot?

i return emptyhanded to the car with my card.

Jen: what happened? that was my first drag.

me: my card was rejected at the VersaTeller. insufficient funds, i'm actually at -300 dollars. underwater. all the cash for the month is gone after the first week.

Jen: paying for your lights. so your lights don't get punched out. 

me: i can't get any money out until May. and i so wanted that red box of 30 Coca-Cola Classic cans.

Jen: well that was a stupid trip. do you think either of us will make it to Summer Vacation 2025?...

Melissa Maker: do you want to go to the One Piece Cafe in Las Vegas?

me: i was thinking The Makery in Little Tokyo. same kind of thing tho. you're BIG into art, right?

Melissa: Downtown Los Angeles, where i make my stand, where i stake my claim as voice actress. and grocery-shop at Erewhon every Tuesday at 10 AM.

me: every time i clean the lint trap in my dryer i think of you.

Melissa: yeah let's move beyond that.

me: that lint trap looks like a washboard.........not the cleaning tool, the musical instrument...

me: me, Melissa, me and Lissa...

Melissa: don't.

Melissa: i need to disappear. i need a vacation.

me: the vanishing pools!!! Vegas is littered with them!!! don't go into the Vegas desert to disappear...

Melissa: well, day spas will no longer have masseuses, all of that has been kicked to one side...

the two of us swim underwater through the Carmilla corridor to our final spa room.........in Canada.

The Big O Days of our Lives end-credits theme song.

could it be true? could it be real?

my heart says that you're the one.

i've THIS TIME found the one.

you're better than the real thing...

Lorne Michaels: SNL takes an EXTENDED BREAK in the middle of every season each year to allow ample opportunity for Colin Jost and Scarlett Johansson to make a baby...

Michael Weiss: Instagram is hustling.

Sammy Sosa: wait so Americans are JUST NOW discovering the crazy culture of Caribbean baseball?...

Matt: shrimp fraud has an easy fix, put the shrimp in the air fryer...

Luke Russert: do you juice?

Tai: yes.

Luke: do people who do yoga take steroids?

Tai: i mean, what would be the point? people who yoga do yogurt. i thought you were talking about lemon water...

Rick Pitino: Risk Pitino...

Applebee's: i mean our competition isn't really McDonald's, it's more like rg burgers.

AOC: we need to be a party of brawlers!!! fuck it, i'm DNC Chair!!!

Mr. Boddy: you can play ANY game alone if you try hard enough, especially Monopoly and Clue...

Steejo: are you sure you're Scottish, luv?

Suzy Lu: yeah, why?

Steejo: you don't like beer.

Suzy Lu: beer is nasty. 

Kakashi: the Scots caused all the problems in X-Men '97, i'm just saying. i'm Japanese. staying at a holiday cottage all by myself is not fun for me anymore like it was when i was a kid...

Suzy Lu: sorry, Susie Dent, but you didn't "invent" the Scottish word hurkle-durkle...

Tom Waits: Beethoven was my father, but it wasn't a Mr. Holland's Opus situation, i'm not deaf...

Saquon Barkley: here's how the Eagles win the Super Bowl: use another running back!!! don't use me!!! Spags won't see it coming!!! Spags won't know what hit him!!!

Spags: a running back will hit me, a running back will mow me down. but not the one i planned for.

Stevie Wonder: Songs in the key of Spags.

Taylor Swift: Saquon's bark is worse than his bite. the Chiefs will win the Super Bowl.........by 3 points, we're annoying like that...

braan: a LOT of bran so your brain is able to conceive of the concept of the brane...  

finally Melissa Maker and i fuck.

Melissa: harder harder harder harder harder harder HARDER.

me: can i cum in your mouth please?

Melissa: just over the tits.

me: thank you. this reminds me of that clean-your-yoga-mat video of yours...

Melissa: didn't you tell me you'd fuck me so hard i wouldn't be able to walk for a week?

me: well you're not walking. you're swimming. we made love underwater. 

Melissa and i join together post-coitus at Melissa's bellybutton, swirl around into each other, and turn into a siphonophore. this siphonophore stays underwater in the chamber of spa rooms until the spa off-season...

Brian from Family Guy: it insists upon itself.........can i turn into a siphonophore with Heather Locklear?...

Marianne Faithfull wearing dental headgear around her jaw: i am living proof a hardened heroin junkie can live to the ripe old age of 80...

Sid Vicious: fuck you, Marianne, you had faith. don't tell Johnny Rotten this but you were my religion, Marianne, you were my heroin heroine.

dad: i had to wear dental headgear in l968. the Summer of Love was the Summer of Ortho for me.

Suzy Lu: i wear dental headgear and it's 2025. my teeth are AWFUL.

Dick Button: Maria Callas, Judy Garland, and Tonya Harding had a Lou Andreas-Salome/Paul Ree/Nietzsche threesome thing going on...

Faye Dunaway: so THAT's my identity!!!

Tonya Harding: Nancy Kerrigan taught me how to box...

Spyglass Hill: where the Treasure Island sequel novel is being written by George R.R. Martin... 

George R.R. Martin: i live on the 17th green in the hole. 

Richard Williamson: i'm in Hell...

SASKATOON SPA DAY: UNDERWATER GARDEN CLUB

 

Jen R drives me to the America's Test Kitchen live roadshow stage show with Bridget and Julia. at the Sunset Theatre in Merced, California.

Jen R in the high rafters smoking a cigarette: this stage is too big for these two large ladies.

Jen R shouting from the rafters: hey Bridget Lancaster!!! you should've kept your Marilyn Monroe blonde hair from 2018, you were sexy as fuck back then with that hair. and Julia Collin Davison, why'd you have to badmouth my Dutch oven!!! my Dutch oven can make tender fall-off-the-bone pressure-cooker-quality beef, too!!!...

me: well, that was fun. we'll never be invited to another PBS event again the rest of our lives but that was fun.

me: i've been thinking about you.

Melissa Maker: how so?

me: every time i do the laundry and watch those four green lights on the clothes washer turn to no lights...

Melissa: that's offputting. i see you. with the double-eye emoji. i see you in your strange Instagram Stories titles...

we swim to the next spa room through the underwater corridor as the Hello Meteor song "Moonwater" plays waterily in the under.

Melissa: because Lunar New Year.

Julie Patzwald: new goth-band name: Perfect Sense.

lightsaber: ...

ankh ankle tattoo: ...

Stevie Wonder: it's the key of life...

Holt Hanley: it's not water vapor on the weather map, it's Coca-Cola Classic...

now: it just became nostalgia.

Puzzle of a Downfall Child.

Faye Dunaway: this movie sounds like an Armenian rock band...

Faye: no i actually do have a headache.

Bob Ross: oh. i'll pick up some Vanquish at this new place that's opened up called Thrifty Drugstore Ice Cream...

Faye: if we roleplay as strangers the sex will be hotter because it'll be no-strings-attached.

Matt: a two-ton truck is one of those '80s anime trucks. never race on the freeway...

Faye: time for ME to shrink YOUR head, my dear psychiatrist. why do you wear tennis shorts when you're in the office?

psychiatrist: i'm a fan of Evonne Goolagong.

Faye: can i just sleep here for the hour?

Faye: why am i an actress? there's no point. no one will EVER top Marlene Dietrich in Shanghai Express. Ricardo Montalban saved me from suicide...

Joan: all dance came from fear.

Faye: are you fucking this nun, Bob Ross?

Bob slamming down his silverware: that is HIGHLY inappropriate, Faye. now i gotta squeeze you and me into my busy schedule so we can carve out a time for us to go to Confession together in the same booth at the same time.

Father Navin: Wednesday at 1 PM... 

Faye: seriously, Bob, HER?!!! she looks like a reject from the set of One Day at a Time.

Faye: come on, lamp, tip over.........and fall...

Faye on the phone: if you love me you'll come right over and chase away the Communist-stalker.

Bob: but i'm in the USSR.

Faye: do you like my wedding veil?

Sia: so THIS is where i got my look from...

Maude from Harold and Maude: civil ceremony, funeral, same thing...

Mark: don't make me angry, Faye, i know a shark.

Faye: i won't answer the door, i know there's a Land Shark about.

Jen R: remember circular light dimmers? 

Faye: life is a dream. but for me it was a nightmare. i feel.........burdened. have i arrived? i've waited SO LONG to arrive...

Jen R: nice touch in that beach scene with the flash of the old standing 1920s camera becoming the flash of the fired gun.

doctor: that's the tragedy of it all, doctors can't dance...

hallucination photographer at the nuthouse: Faye Dunaway is as sexy as a common tenor.

Faye: don't go, Aaron, don't leave me alone in this Whistler cabin!!! beach sand makes my skin chafe. Martin Yan doesn't know how to fish!!!

Martin Yan: yeah i do, you crazy white lady.

Faye: you're supposed to use a spear while holding your breath underwater!!! who pays the rent on this thing?

Bob: this is Marty Scorsese's summer house. 

Faye: what's the point of a beach house? a beach cottage. there won't be beaches in 100 years, only Medieval stories never told...

Bob: well, MTV starts up soon, that's why. 

Faye: did we have an affair, Aaron? otherwise what was the point? my entire life was in vain.

Bob: we've been married for 30 years, Lou. it's been real and it's been happy. you made the right decision, Lou. it wasn't a wasted life. we found our fate. i wanted kids but we decided not to have children because you're crazy.

Dr. Robbins: this ending made me CRY. that's all mental patients want, to know that they tried to love.

Melissa: nothing better than an early lunch in an enclosed Tomb Raider spa room!!!

me: hey, do you know what pizza pie is?

Melissa: no.

me: a whole apple pie with the crust and everything but instead of apple as the filling it's pizza inside. what i don't get are those Melissa's Crepes.

Melissa: what do you mean?

me: they are so FUCKING THIN!!! they are IMPOSSIBLE to remove from that thin tissue-paper film!!! why'd you make the crepes so hard like that?!!!

Melissa: you just need an iron.

me: i use my clothes iron.

Melissa: no, a flatiron. a flat iron, a hair iron, a crimper. like i use on my hair. don't microwave the crepes at the BOTTOM, they'll stick to the plate. cook the frozen strawberries as the base of the plate, place the paper-thin crepes OVER the hot strawberries so it looks like a strawberry pie. crimp the edges to form the crust. crimp the crepe.

Akira Kurosawa: i've reset my life 7777 times.

Hayao Miyazaki: i THINK that's unlucky...

smoke a fatty: barbecue, not a pot roach...

Wout Faes: if Gustavo Kuerten played soccer...

me: it really is a DELICIOUS thought: you available. being able to be in your world, be in your circles.

Melissa: i don't have time for romance, i'm a single mysterious mama next door.

me: yeah right. we've been doing a betting pool over at the office, the odds on who your next beau will be.

Melissa: pool, nice touch. there is no way you work. all offices would reject you.

me: i mean it's either gonna be Keanu Reeves or Justin Trudeau, right?

Melissa: i'm afraid reality will be quite bland and boring. i'll settle down with one of my nameless coworkers, that's it.

Luke Skywalker: why didn't you have an action-figure toy of my lightsaber'd-off cut-off hand?

Kenner: choking hazard.

scratching post: because cats have a lot of stress in their lives...

Suzy Lu: take a slap.

Steejo: i can't take a lap, luv, my kickboxing training turned my knees into prunes.

Kakashi: Suzy, it's weird that you say ass instead of arse...

SASKATOON SPA DAY: NECKROLL

 

Jen drives me to a taping of Flip Side at the Game Show Network studios.

Jen R: what a beautiful campus we're on!!!

me: please, don't use the word campus.

Jen R smoking a cigarette indoors: when i get bored i wander into the studio audiences of all these game shows taping here at the same time, they pay you $50 just to sit your butt down and shut up, that's more than i make over at my nail-salon gig. i'm smarter than ALL these contestants.

Jaleel White: everyone wants to fuck Urkel. look, we don't exactly have a budget here, this is Flip Side, if you don't win the $10,000 in the lightning round, you get one of my dressing-room TWIXs as a thanks for coming to Burbank.

Twix: twin sticks...

Julie Patzwald in the Flip Side studio audience: new name for a goth band: Twixt Twix.

me: so where in Canada is this spa located?

Melissa Maker: 6th and Euclid. everything in Canada is located on 6th and Euclid.

the first thing i notice are all the wood houses everywhere dotting the green landscape. everywhere on every hill a house made of the most gorgeous polished wood. mist hovers the sky.

me: if i play my cards right, my first first-date in a LONG-ass fucking time.

Melissa: you'll see all the hot jacuzzis carved into the natural rock of this big-ass wilderness mountain. you can only get from room to room by swimming underwater through long stone corridors, the doors are only underwater.

me: this is so Zelda!!!

Melissa: to get you used to the conditions, try on these mop shoes.

me: i'm sliding out-of-control on these mop shoes on the planks like i'm a girl in a Hayao Miyazaki movie on skis. 

Melissa: like riding a bike. you'll get used to this way of walking, it'll help you swim underwater. can you hold your breath for three hours? this is how i became a cleaning expert.

Lume Lady: why do i have to ride a bike in the commercial?...

me: can i borrow $100?

Melissa: here.

me: you see how easy that was?!!! why can't life be this easy? 

Crawdaddy: it takes hard work.

Melissa: oh hi, Crawdaddy. i'm single.

Crawdaddy emerges from his underwater bungalow swimming up to the surface in the nude.

Crawdaddy: i can hold my breath for three days. you have to to live in Malibu. Malibu isn't the rich, we're a community who left normal life behind for a beach life of spiritual enlightenment. waving at the waves. we are neighbors who help each other out. every single person in Malibu has bathed in my toilet. 

Courtney Love: except me.

me: i see. i'm a moron. i've done nothing. i just take.

Crawdaddy: we sacrifice for the surf. we sacrifice it ALL for the surf. my mini-refrigerator is your mini-refrigerator. i am the world's amigo. i lend a hand, not a pincer. i eat smoke. fire smoke, not pot smoke. i won my first X Games by doing a 2340 flip on my board at Jaws surf break at age 75. my win was so earthshaking it formed a giant tsunami. a tsunami of ocean protection known as the Surfrider Foundation.

Yamcha: how big are the Dragon Balls? the size of baseballs like the ones i still pitch...

Akira Toriyama: in the manga. in the anime they're the size of basketballs...

Dorothy from The Big O: it's not Dorothy, it's R. Dorothy. this show's theme song is a cross between They Might Be Giants and Phish, with The Greatest American Hero the music in the middle of each episode. that red ain't blood, it's gasoline!!! the enemy of the Megadeus looks like an '80s Norelco triple-shaver. 

Puzzle of a Downfall Child.

Faye Dunaway: i'm not a schizo, i just need to fuck Bud Cort.

Faye: why is this psychiatrist's office in an oil painting?

falsies: just be natural, you know?

don't be ugly: beauty sells.

photographer: your head is like a bowling ball.

Faye: i got into this business to play Fred Flintstone.

Dr. Robbins: this doesn't work as a comedy also, it should have just been a very serious drama about going crazy.

Faye: all men should look like Bob Ross. all women should look like Sarah Sherman.

Bob Ross: yeah sorry about the 4:30 AM calltime, Central Park is only empty at 4:30 AM...

Lou: i'm at fault...

Bob: are you attracted to me?

Faye: if i say yes will you leave me alone forever?

The President the cat: i was the first emotional-support cat...

Faye: it's bad luck when the pilot trips before flying.

Bob: don't worry, the pilot looks like Amelia Earhart, and her husband looks like Jean-Luc Picard, those are two pilots.

Jean-Luc Picard: i'm a flier. i fly high in the sky.

Faye: why would God punish you for being who you are? atheism makes perfect sense. atheism is the only way.

Ingmar Bergman: that's very me.

Link: Bach got me through Zelda dumping me.

me: will you live with me in a state of grace?

Jen R: THAT is the most beautiful marriage vow.

Mickey Mouse: i don't sleep...

Faye: i gotta get outta here.

Bob: where?

Faye: myself. here. being.

I'm Going to Break Your Heart.

black best friend: i'm not their black butler...

couples therapist: time for eyegazing. gaze at your partner's eyes for the hour so i get paid.

Chantal Kreviazuk: i giggle.

Raine Maida: this makes me uncomfortable.

couples therapist: if you were to eyegaze WHILE feeling your partner's heartbeat with the palm of your hand, that's medical CPR...

Chantal: joint art is not art about marijuana...

Raine: we're not singers, we're chansons.

Jen R: i look like Chantal Kreviazuk.

Steve Jobs: make music by the sunlight of a white mansion, not on an Apple computer.

Melissa: a Canadian couple who made it...

Chantal: yeah, Raine and i weathered the ice storms, both meanings...

Kurt Cobain: music is death.

Chantal on Moment Mountain: you are so dad uh dead.

Raine: that was Freudian. i am the Yoko in this relationship.

Kurt Cobain: okay BY FAR the best song on the Moon vs. Sun album is "Lowlight."

me: i've been meaning to ask you. you got a tattoo because of me.

Melissa: yeah.

me: the more i thought about it.........it's.........weird. you have this PERMANENT thing on your body because of me. i saw it but i STILL have no idea what it is. a cauliflower?

Melissa: it's a firework. you know, Fourth of July? because you're American.

me: it's on your bellybutton tho.

Melissa: you'll see.

me: so you're not with Chad anymore?

Melissa: just because Chad isn't it my latest post of Instagram photos of my beach vacation doesn't mean anything...

Amy Schumer: i hooked up with a fan. the fan was my husband.

Howard Stern: come on, the stories have got to be juicier than that. radio is dead again.

Madison Keys crying tears of joy: i've wanted this MY WHOLE LIFE.

Karolina Pliskova: okay but you're not even 30 yet, babe. i'm old. at least get a tattoo of me on your thigh or something so my almost doesn't get forgotten...

Dial soap: when you want to smell like a surgeon...

Mr. McFeely: new rule: mailboxes are for letters, not bills...

McGruff the Crime Dog: i had to steal your bike to prove a point...

Mister Rogers: the key to feeling better is to get OFF the medicine...

the French in Action prequel.

professor with the Albert Einstein BROWN hair: the only French phrase i need to learn is sous les paves, la plage...

Julie Patzwald: new goth-band name: Just Lust. because it turned out to be just lust...

Buzzcocks: ...

Wayne Rooney: why is every Premier League manager bald?...

MATT AND SKYLAR: DULL CLUB OF LOVE

 

the new couple are waiting outside Safeway in the parking lot in Matt's truck like timid gangsters.

Matt: i can't.

Skylar: just talk to him.

Matt exits the vehicle and gingerly opens the automatic sliding doors. 

Aron: i have nothing for you.

Matt punches Aron in the face with his broom. Aron's monk beard falls off.

Jen R and me at Safeway, as weekly i'm wearing Mork suspenders, Jen is in full Pam Dawber cosplay.

me: can i roll a plastic bottle of Squirt down the aisle like in the Smashing Pumpkins "1979" video?

Jen R: longer wider aisles here than in a mart.

me: what's the opposite of shit list?

Jen: sugar list.

Jennifer Pizarro in Safeway: that WARM Ned's Bookstore plastic stein you just got out of the dishwasher that you're using again immediately for your next Coke...

in the spirits aisle.

Ichiro: why didn't you vote for me? you were the lone holdout. i woulda been unanimous!!!

Derek Jeter with his hesitant handsome eyes looks at Ichiro.

Derek Jeter: .........fine. let me drink your sake first...

Ichiro: you have anime eyes. you have two glass anime eyes.

Los Angeles: the fires put a damper on things.

Less: not being able to drive a car hampered my life. i was gonna put a hamper in the back seat of my car.

Deen: don't feel alone, bud, i can't be around people. not even at funerals.

psychiatric nurse: we make the best dating-app consultants...

Linda Lavin from Alice: i wasn't Linda Lovelace from Deep Throat who got lucky with this little sitcom about a roadside Phoenix diner i found to go straight with...

Linda Lovelace: let me guess, your husband worked for CalTrans? you're lucky your car broke down on this road or you would have been just another washed-up airport lounge singer.

Linda Lavin: or a porn star who lives SOMEWHERE in Los Angeles...

Linda Lovelace: we porn stars don't live in Los Angeles, we live in Vallejo or Tracy.

Linda Lavin: LAX in the 1970s was the Hare Krishna monastery.

Flo: grits is just corn.

Gladyce: our dishwasher SMELLS!!!

Motoko Kusanagi: ...

Gladyce: don't slide the towel across the tile floor of the Treehouse bathroom after a bath BEFORE you use this same towel to dry your face...

Dirg: why do only psychiatrists follow me on Instagram?...

Bill Gates: your apple, sir? no, your Apple, Siri...

Aron in a heap on the white Safeway floor: chorizo really makes me poo.

Skylar: can i?

Matt: be my guest i guess.

as Aron lightly gets up, Skylar rolls a pack of AA batteries across the length of the unwaxed cereal aisle full of waxy cereals to the other end at Aron's feet. Aron slips on the batteries and falls over again.

Skylar: we DO sell good batteries, Aron!!! you deliberately keep them in the stockroom. people need their vibrators to work, our cucumbers are moldy. because you never change them.

Matt: now we have A batteries. A for Aron. now THAT's the washing of the feet!!!

Skylar: well that was fun. but i'm still on my shift.

Matt: i'll help out.

Skylar: frozen aisle. putting away the dragee.

Matt: what a drag. no no no, wait, move these Jordan almonds to the room-temperature aisle, we're gonna need them in our wedding.........soon...

I'm Going to Break Your Heart.

Raine Maida: why did St. Francis of Assisi flip me the bird at the front of this church?

Chantal Kreviazuk: because he's the patron saint of animals, babe. 

Chantal: love is slow.

Raine: okay so when do we renew our vows?

Chantal: only after 75 years of marriage.

Raine: i spray-painted Justin Trudeau's name in red in the snow here, i want him to win after he resigns...

 

me: it's one thing to find your soulmate. but when you do art with your soulmate...

Jen R: do you know how to sketch?

me: only comedy.

Chantal: kiss me in the snow.

Raine: it's too cold out. we'll kiss in the taxi like that HBO show.

Chantal: are you fucking kidding me right now, Raine? do you see what you have here? are you a stupid idiot? are you that dense? dense like this snowpack? that is so PETTY. you won't have a moment with me? this is a Hollywood film after all.

Raine: i'm going to break your heart.

Chantal: okay you know what, i'm not going to care for you when you get old. i'm still going to be married to you, though.

Saturday Night.

Dan Aykroyd: i'm wearing my strumpet socks.

Laraine Newman: oh, so THAT's what makes you an unrepentant strumpet.

Andy Kaufman: i saved Saturday Night Live, but i couldn't save myself...

Ralph Bakshi: seriously, why is Mighty Mouse such a thing?...

Dick Ebersol: how about an SNL sketch advertising Polaroid? no porn-chic Warhol polaroids, i promise. sorry, Lorne, i understand artistic integrity and everything, but you WILL have to incorporate corporate brands into your sketches eventually...

Lorne Michaels: for you, let's advertise licorice pizza...

Shirley Manson from the band Garbage: California is The Golden State, but curiously, i'm the only person who lives there who has both administered and taken a golden shower.

Alec Baldwin: just use all rubber guns from the start.

George Carlin in his dressing room convulsing: don't worry, it's just a coke stroke. give me some cocaine so i can calm down.

George Carlin: do you know what Saturday Night Live is? it's Lenny Bruce on TV...

Olive Garden: we got rid of the marsala so it would magically reappear on the menu three months later as a Fan Favorite...

Welsh welt: when you can't watch Premier League because you don't have Paramount Plus...

dad: remember when grammar mattered? but that was because i was alive...

Talia the cat: when i meow i sound like a little trumpet.

Spider Sama: sleeping...

Capp: the heartfelt texts are in the EARLY morning...

Greykid the cat: this room doesn't smell like cat, it smells like Maine cat or Palm Springs cat...

Jean-Luc Picard: i've been thinking about you...

promposal: this is the most important thing you will ever do...

Blake Lively: why can't we just make movies with our friends?...

Betty White: give Greenland to the Palestinians, i said that on The Golden Girls, don't let Trump take credit for that idea...

MLK: the fact that the trashmen are working this Friday means that the powers that be don't take my day seriously. i pray these garbagemen get paid double and are in a union. don't boo, vote.

Novak Djokovic: yeah, don't boo me. i won this thing 10 times. when do i get to be a tennis god? why does the world hate me?

Colin Jost: you have a punchable face.

Novak: hey is Scarlett Johansson still hot? i need her to be a tennis cheerleader for me. she can dance her routine on the sideline when i'm playing and then she dances next to me on the court when i'm in my chair reading a book.

Jurgen Klopp: my teeth are THIS WHITE because i ate a lot of marshmallow topping as a kid...

Suzy Lu: my favorite part of KFC? the comeback sauce.

Kakashi: am i making a comeback in your heart?...

Suzy Lu: no, i finished you. Yamcha's my guy now. Yamcha's gonna make a comeback. Yamcha's gonna defeat Frieza by pitching a Spirit Bomb...

Kakashi: at least Boruto is making a comeback.........but only online, not on TV...

Ben Shelton: i have one shirt: sherbet.

Matt: next?

Skylar: the Three Cs: celery, Coke, and chips.

Matt: if you run out of chips at your house eat a pouch of croutons.

Jacques Pepin: crouton.

Matt: that's not really a Fourth C, it's just replacing chips.

Skylar kisses Matt's knee.

Skylar: got ya back.

Matt: hey you like fries?

Skylar: only sardine fries.

Matt: yeah, put sardine fries in the air fryer, they turn out nice and crisp. put hot oil in the air fryer, it works. here let me help you stack these egg cartons, it takes a delicate hand.

Skylar: oh i know all about your delicate hands, studmuffin.

Matt: muffins are bakery shit, Squeaky's weird.

Skylar: i like the same shirt Squeaky wears.

Matt: hey close your eyes.

Skylar: my favorite part.

Matt: and imagine this: a hard-boiled ostrich egg...