I CANNOT BE WITH THE WOMAN I LOVE: SLAP-UP MEAL

 

 

 

imagine my surprise when i go to Dr. Robbins for my weekly psychiatrist appointment and Jen R is there in the chair!!!

Jen R: ready for your sesh?

me: this is a cruel test, right?

Jen: it's your regular session, but we'll be digging deep into the SOURCE of all your problems: me.

me: this is a confrontational connection where i'm forced to confront my deepest love.

Jen: think of it like a mean meeting, we're gonna have fun. who would you rather talk to, me or that stodgy short professor?

me: he was short with me, i couldn't get a word in edgewise, i thought of massive monologues in my head as he spoke all hour. 

me: are you EVER gonna leave you husband?

Jen: no. i have a kid. but let's talk about food. 

me: it was bad two days ago. i had just finished Liquid Sky, it was 9PM and i was NOT sleepy, i was wide awake because my stomach was growling. i hadn't eaten in days.

Jen: you hadn't eaten anything SUBSTANTIAL.

me: i went to bed early to try to trick my gut into thinking it was the next morning and time for breakfast. my sister had just come back with a WHOLE MELTED PIZZA after work, it was slopped there on her computer chair, alone and unattended, as she talked with a work friend outside. i couldn't sleep, my bed was dry, the winks weren't coming, i simply HAD to eat her pizza i hadn't paid for!!! i jumped like a stealth ninja from my room to that pizza chair, SWIPED a slice and chowed it down with a QUICKNESS.

Jen: you didn't TASTE that slice of pizza, you ate it, you STILL don't know whether that pizza was hot or cold.

me: one wasn't enough, i needed a SECOND slice!!! i got out of bed again, zipped like a ghost from ceiling corner to ceiling corner, and consumed that second slice like a VACUUM before the last laugh outside. 

Jen: the napkins in the refrigerator were riddled with red pizza dots. sounds like you had a genuine pizza emergency.

me: but it was 7-Eleven pizza, not Domino's.

Jen: my advice is to eat dinner at 7PM. you don't need to go to bed hungry, you did nothing wrong, you're an adult, you can say rude things.

me: i FINALLY figured it out.

Jen: i was wondering. why isn't the question "what's for dinner?" ever solved?

me: see for YEARS i didn't know how to bridge the gap between Wednesday spaghetti and the weekend, i always ended up having to eat a peanut-butter sandwich for dinner at the end of the week.

Jen: do you know how DEPRESSING a peanut-butter-sandwich Sunday-night dinner is?

me: now i get a four-pack of ravioli cans, that's four weekend dinners, the other weekdays are taken care of by the spaghetti...

Jen: we got a math major over here. or you're hungry. Chef Boyardee is your BRIDGE, your Queensryche.

Chef Boyardee: i was your warm comfort food in the '80s. but in the '90s you made fun of me. by the way, this Italian accent of mine is fake, i'm really from California.

Jen: i tried to tell you, Chef Boyardee is cheap and filling. Chef Boyardee is a more perfect food than an egg.

me: and now my bedroom is my second kitchen. i keep all my cans of ravioli stashed away in the cubbyhole above my bed.  

Jen: that's your cute cupboard.

the three of us are at Mel's Diner.

me: can i be served by Linda Lavin?

Linda Lavin: honey ONLY if you're going to the same place i am.........on the truckstop roadside greasy-spoon diner of life.

Jen R: Adam and Eve on a Raft!!!

Linda: to escape God's lava? 

Jen: raft, wrath, i see you working, girl.

Linda: that's two eggs over-easy.

me: nevermind me, i'm not in the room.

Linda: the greatest thing i ever did was have my Little League boy taught about sex from Batman.

Adam West: Conrad Bain wasn't available. either way, it's good to have money when the sex fails.

Mr. Drummond: with those '70s Welcome Back, Kotter reels, everyone in the '70s got sex-ed from reels.

Flo: sex is the ultimate food, it's Adam and Eve in Paradise...

The Power Rangers Experience: be in Hollywood for a few years, get pregnant, go home...

Kyle Brandt: i left Days of our Lives because i couldn't be Jillian Clare's lover. where is Jillian Clare? i watch Shark Tank every week but she's never on...

Mardith: the topper is my tits...

Melissa Maker: my favorite video game used to be Super Mario Bros., but after i discovered the Kitchen Work Triangle, it became Legend of Zelda all day every day...

Chad: only Toad for me, that's what Alan Watts would've wanted. new Super Mario Bros. 2 movie coming in 2026 with Mario voiced by one of my cousins, Ryan Reynolds or Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum or someone...

Channing Tatum: Chadding Tatum.

Time Masters (1982).

Han Solo: i crash-landed on this weird planet.

son: we're the weird ones, papa, we're not blue...

Han: that's my son, not Leia's, from my previous marriage to Shorey Wesen.

Sharon Stone in space: Mick Jagger, Liberace, cocktails?

Mick Jagger: hey, no smoking inside the starship cabin.

Liberace: but i'm a gay pianist, what else am i supposed to do?

Jean-Luc Picard: let the fag have his fag.

Mick: come in? wait i'm just talking to an egg.

little boy: it's a mic and this is my Peel Session. wait i gotta take a leak in the forest like Gohan. why do you have two voices?

Sharon Stone: because i have to be demure at work.

Chiaotzu: it's Baba's place from Dragon Ball!!! it sucks when your kamikaze attack doesn't work. 

animators: can we do the rest of the movie in sunset?...

Mick Jagger: damn, i'm barechested in bed but ALONE. 

banjo-strummer singing: the Mega Millions jackpot, shhhhh, i told no one i won it, i sang about it. i'm a pacifist Robin Hood. my only friends are these electric tadpoles here, i'm the superhero Frogman, i wouldn't be caught dead in the navy, i'm an old hippie.

boy: that's not yin-yang, that's not tai-chi, that's T&C Surf Designs!!! what's a lamprey?

old hippie: sea sausage.

Willard Scott: Jimmy Carter turned 100 today. my work here is done.

boy: speaking of Willard Scott, i like McDonald's. this space strawberry's juice tastes like Smucker's.

old hippie: don't be swimming with that guy with the Aeon Flux design, he looks shady.

Sharon Stone: when we're swimming underwater, don't hold my foot with your hand, that's not romantic, that's creepy.

Mick: but i can't swim.

Mick: gender reveal party?

old hippie: the water balloon burst into tiny SweeTarts people!!!

tiny flying inkspot aliens: we're not mating, we're STUCK!!!

boy: come back with my egg, French Yoshi!!!

Jen R: "polite company," can we go back to the genteel days?...

Boc: ever since i stopped walking, i feel hopeful...

Boc: by the way, all that walking i did was USELESS.

Boc: lime-green running shoes suck, you can't outrun death...

Trent Reznor: i wanna fuck you like an animal.

Eddie Vedder: Pearl Jam "Animal" is the break-up song to Nine Inch Nails "Closer..."

Dan Casagrande: count your stars I am not your next-door neighbor in the whole broken-fence thing, ya know?...

Michael Weiss: if you respect the person on Instagram, comment on their Stories in their DMs. if you don't, type Happy New Year in the comments...

Gargamel: great group of goths!!! can i join you guys?

Julie Patzwald: how many episodes of What We Do in the Shadows have you watched?...

Dan Fielding at Chipotle: FOUR DOLLARS EXTRA for guac?!!! 

Pati Jinich: i get guac for free. i have a Chipotle in my house.

Jim Nantz: i chose the wrong sport. if it was a choice between the two sports. i chose football instead of golf. golf is softer than football, golf is easier than football.........and golf pays more than football now with that Saudi money...

we're back in the psyche room.

Jen R: remember, a peanut-butter cookie is the most DISGUSTING food on Earth. 

me: what have i learned? what is the lesson?

Jen: this is not a Harry & David brownie, this is Harry & David FUDGE. you can tell because chocolate powder gets all over the stubs of your fingers.

me: after i eat the fudge, i look at my fingers and see that they have chocolate powder all over them, but then i look again and all the staining chocolate dust is gone from my fingers.

Jen: there's not enough time in the hour to unpack all of THAT. it's the final five minutes of the session, anything you want to confess as you hold the doorknob?

me: i don't know but Kool-Aid Orange tastes better to me than Tang.

 

THE MARIJUANA CHRISTMAS TREE: LITQUAKE

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THE MARIJUANA CHRISTMAS TREE: COCOTTE

 

Jen R and i are at Williams Sonoma.

me: you still work here?

Jen R: i'm not sure.

me: you gotta get me a Kurt Dutch Oven from here, it's a matter of sleep-dust importance.

Jen: Kurt Dutch Oven?

me: a Dutch Oven in the color of powder-blue like Kurt's electric guitar. i saw it in a dream. Kurt Cobain came to me in a dream, telling me to get THIS Dutch Oven HERE.

Kurt Cobain: actually my exact words to you were "Eat at Coco's Bakery." but granted it's hard to interpret dream speech in the moment.

Jen: and Coco's Bakery has gone out of business, that's how you know it was a dream.

we slide and sashay past the aisles, tickling ourselves on large brushy Williams Sonoma jungle thistles and knocking on all the hooked pewter one-egg pans like they were an island xylophone. 

Jen: people pack their Christmas gifts in packing peanuts. boring. 

me: you can't eat those peanuts.

Jen: instead pack the presents in POPCORN.

me: unpopped popcorn? popcorn kernels?

Jen: no, numbnuts, POPPED popcorn. it's fun, right? you can eat your mail instead of having to answer it. i'll get ya the Kurt Dutch Oven, i'll pack it in popcorn and ribbon and write the card having it come from Santa. so remember, SANTA gave you this gift. on New Year's when Santa comes to your house, knocks on your door, and punches you in the nuts with his black glove, you'll remember the reason why.

me: worth it, spaghetti and eggs in one pot!!! i fear no mortal man, Kurt is my shield, Kurt is my Jesus.

Santa Claus: JINGLE BALLS, MOTHERFUCKER. there are 3 North Poles on Earth, i have no fixed location, i have no home...

outside Williams Sonoma, Maude from Harold & Maude chats us up about our tree.

Maude from Harold & Maude: you lovebirds need help moving a tree? i'm an expert. i use my car. so your Christmas tree is a marijuana Christmas tree?

Jen: cannabis Christmas tree.

Maude: for Mary, right? Mary from Bethlehem baked. i know this because we went to college together, we were Radford roomies, saint sisters, that's why i'm always at church. she was the pot dealer to all the Roman soldiers on campus, that girl was always loaded, both meanings.

Mary: but i didn't come from wealth, i didn't come from heritage money, i earned my keep at the inn.

Roman Meal soldier on the bread-bag cover: big roMan on campus.

Maude: i saw Mary cut a tree down with her mind. you know i've triangulated the tree to such an extent that i now realize it's better to RENT a Christmas tree than to buy it...

we drive away with our smelly tree on top of our Pontiac held with twine on one side.

Jen: windows open, both reasons.

me: now don't you be smoking our Christmas tree before we get it home. User Not Found?

Jen: oh you know me, i'll always be using, so i'll always be around.

PG&E: rain is plain, wind is sin.

Mardith looking at her big tits: when a woman has a set, she's set for life.

me: i can't have a Christmas tree because of my cats.

Jen: because your cats will jump into the tree?

Talia the cat: no, because cats are atheists.

Jules Smith: Christmas crack.

Shaggy: i always wanted to try Christmas crack. and chocolate crack.

Scooby-Doo: me too. chocolate is poison to me tho.

Jules Smith: i'm British...

Mister Rogers: Mr. McFeely opens my mail. 

Mr. McFeely: don't give me bronze lip, jack. i'm not fooled by these fancy white LARGE envelopes with the bronze flap, silver trim, and gold pouch, it's still junk mail.

Chloe Fineman: i'm JUST at the age-limit cutoff line if i want to fuck Marcello Hernandez, you know?

Miss Scarlet on PBS: Female Doctor Who, take two...

Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club: the key is to be an outcast with no mental illness...

McDonald's: FOOLED YA!!! that wasn't a french fry at the bottom of the brown bag, that was a slivered onion.

Jen: that was a TERRIBLE surprise.

McDonald's: we redefined the brown bag lunch.

me: Christmas roast?

Jen: we're struggling through this week penniless to get to the spaghetti.

me: when?

Jen: Tuesday. it won't be Santa spaghetti, it'll be Scrooge spaghetti.

Trinity the cat: make it a hibernation heap of cat food, i'm a winter cat now...

Bambi: fuck Rudolph, i was the first reindeer.

winter duck pond: think about it...

Arthur Agee Jr.: yep that's me on the Golden State Warriors...

Christina Ruffini: i'm Hillary Clinton in her law-school days.

Hillary Clinton: imagine me as an MSNBC anchor...

Liquid Sky.

Melissa Maker: has that Blue Sunshine vibe.

cell: mitosis.

at the Mighty Boosh pre-electronica club.

Margaret, the robot-paint human anime girl: man or Seagull?

Jimmy: Seagull.

Margaret: are you a man or a woman?

Jimmy: i'm you.

Margaret: like one half of a Cocteau Twins.

Jimmy: androgyny means never having to say you're sorry.

Adrian: i'm Stephanie Mangano from Saturday Night Fever if she had stayed with Tony.

see? it's a Christmas movie.

Margaret: Kate McKinnon's gonna make it big on SNL someday. in the meantime Stevie Nicks stole her mirror-gypsy balletic dance moves from me. 

MC: at this club we don't drink diet soda, we drink styrofoam Maruchan soup cups.

Hayao Miyazaki doing the Liquid Sky anime poster: yeah but Japanese people don't do heroin.

Joan Severance: keep the galaxy drugs in the refrigerator, don't take any, we must be fresh for Red Shoe Diaries, those shots need a clear head, a clear mind, and a clear conscience. you gotta be COGENT when you're doing linereadings in an abandoned flower shop.

Zalman King: tho it is better to do the sex scenes while on steroids.

John Waters backstage: where's my pantograph mirror? places, people!!! let's see those Human League painted faces!!! chop chop, Kiefer Sutherland in the audience lookin' like Rich Uncle Pennybags in the '80s. stand up straight, Lady Gaga, you ain't famous yet, queen.

Cocteau: i'm still Cocteau, but i'm better Cocteau on Vanquish.

we all gather round the marijuana Christmas tree.

me: Capp? a holiday poem if you please?

Capp: i'm just back from City Lights Books in San Francisco. there was an earthquake DURING the litquake. Larry Ferlinghetti is so gone he doesn't feel earthquakes anymore, that is the state i wish to achieve.

Jen R: Christmas is over, buddy.

Capp: okay here goes: my blood is Coke / my white blood cells are Vanquish

Julie Patzwald: i've done something very goth-special for Christmas. 

Jen: Reese's chocolate Christmas trees?

Julie: no, Reese's chocolate bats.

Liam Neeson: the flying animal, not my flying cudgel.

Jen: Liam Neeson needs to play cricket. the soft sport, not the soft animal.

Julie: see? a Christmas tree is the perfect home for bats.

dad: son, have you noticed the special lucky-penny thing i did for you on this day? this Christmas day?

me: i did. thank you. i love you.

i give my dad a *ghost hug*

dad: today on Christmas if you go down to Safeway, which will be open, and cash all your coins, all those lucky pennies i've dropped on the streets for you all December month, that will all add up to $7. 

 

THE MARIJUANA CHRISTMAS TREE: STREETS OF BETHLEHEM

 

Salinas holds its annual Streets of Bethlehem now so we decide to go.

Jen R: what is Streets of Bethlehem?

me: large swaths of the city are transformed into what Bethlehem would have been like for Baby Jesus and Mary and Joseph sidesaddling a donkey on dirt roads kicking on doors to stay at their hay hotels.

Jen R: i'm scared of Salinas.

me: i know, we all are, the world is.

Ariana Araiza: no need to be frightened of Salinas, as long as you're wearing a black dress.

Jen's pale sickly rosy cheeks light up, her mascaraed eyes blend into the midnight blue.

Jen: i must say, all the wonderful blue Bethlehem LIGHTS get me in the mood.

me: sex?

Jen: the holiday spirit. that ineffable quality. 

Jackie Fitzgerald: do you like the inflatable helicopter on top of my roof manned by Santa and a wayward elf on the tail? that ROTOR keeps TURNING TURNING TURNING IN A CIRCLE FOREVER.

Gunther: a turn for every love we make.

Jen: i was crestfallen when the high-wind storm took out the Santacopter.

Jen: and LOOK!!! isn't that that President Elon Musk atrocity on the streets you always crow about?

me: oh yeah, that silver behemoth that wants to be a cool '70s Transformers silver metallic bullet-train car thing but will only ever be a cybertruck.

Jen: LOOK!!! turns out the driver was a WOMAN this whole time!!!

me: that is a WOW.

Jen: not to me. does that change your opinion?

me: now this person genuinely scares me. like, she must be REALLY high-up. she wears driving gloves. she's probably the First Lady, Elon's wife. 

Jen: not the cool kind, not The First Lady on PBS. but it's undeniable, Speed Racer ignites the beating heart of every woman.

i do my best Jesus impersonation in my beige robe as i tag along the main attraction: Jen in a blue Mary veil hiding the application of her makeup.

me: did Jesus really have a goatee?

Jen: unbelievable, every door i knock on and people think i'm needy and greedy, that i just want more barbecue, they see my brown lips and think i've been going to town chowing down eating the village's ENTIRE supply of BBQ!!! the whole hock stock!!! it's brown lipstick, people!!! don't they know i'm just being what Mary REALLY looked like: a Middle Eastern woman. this is a pro-Palestinian protest. in Bethlehem, the perfect place for it.

me: people just aren't serious anymore.

the Great Sphinx of Giza: i have a holy face...

Pass Christian: where your Fellow Traveler lives.

Charles Dickens in the middle of the Little Ice Age: Democrat trolls are the best, those are the best people.

Grinch Punch: made with avocado.

Pati Jinich: ...

Charles Manson: i just wanted to be as popular as Luigi Mangione...

Tony Reali: Luigi Mangione and i are NOT boys. he doesn't even play sports, he was a benchwarmer in college, he was an NPC in one of the Final Fantasys or something.

Samuel L. Jackson: i admit it, i got all my badass catchphrases by listening to my pastor: Denzel Washington.

sherpa on Mount Denali: so Denali isn't a jacket, Sherpas don't need jackets when we climb, this is our home. why do you have two keys for your car? Denali is the name of our mountain god who was here LONG before the white man knew what snow was. 

at the El Gordo y La Flaca studios in Miami, Florida.

Raul De Molina: wait, is Clarissa Molina related to me?

Clarissa Molina: DE, hombre!!! it's De Molina, you Santa sadsack.

Raul De Molina: oh good, i can continue flirting with Clarissa every right before the show backstage. i don't EVER want Melissa Joan Hart stepping foot on this set. it's her or me. if she comes, i VAMOS!!!

Clarissa Molina: when we flirt, or when we REALLY want to get the message across about something, we speak in English...

Ganon: when are we gonna team up?

Link: when i need power...

Flobert on Night Court "Feliz NaviDead": i mean I should have been the vacuum salesman...

Stephen A. Smith: i'm a grown-ass man, i don't have time to watch this cartoon shit. 

Yamcha: it's called anime, sir.

Suzy Lu: don't be sassy, SAS, that's my husband.

Yamcha: i'm not juiced, my muscles are clean. i'm a better baseball player than Shohei Ohtani, the difference is i don't care. all that sand in the middle of a baseball diamond made me miss home: the desert. when i fight, you can't see me.

Stephen A. Smith: then what were you doing in a ditch after you tried to fight a suicidal Saibaman?

Dr. Drew: SPIT the cough out of you!!!

Dr. Drew: hey that ain't no crack in your foot, it's a CHASM.

Dr. Drew: drink your STANLEY thermos of hot coffee in ONE GULP.

Mr. Roper: you know Helen doesn't like me drinking from hippie flasks like that.

Dr. Drew: Stanley Roper, you're gay.

Mr. Roper looking at the camera: ...

Dr. Drew: you were at last week's costume party as Tinker Bell. now you treat that wonderful wife of yours Helen Roper like the COMFORTABLE queen she is.

Mrs. Roper: i'm not a wonderful wife, i'm a wonderful woman.

Bill Belichick: do i need to SAY i love you to Bill Parcells or it doesn't count?

Bill Parcells: i wanna HEAR it, speak up, i can't hear you, you mumble.

Bill Belichick: i never learned to actually speak words, i ate too much dolphin-unsafe tuna as a kid.

John Lennon: the Plastic Ono Band was imagine if i was in New Order...

stale Safeway donuts: taste like Saturday-morning cereal.

Howard Stern: Valerie Harper told me the secret word. she was dying of brain cancer, after her death she'd whisper the secret word in a stranger's ear and the stranger would say it to prove there was an afterlife.

Valerie Harper: the secret word was Rhoda has a sex swing of headscarves.

Howard Stern: incidentally my safeword is Mary Tyler Moore.

Melissa Maker with MERLISA on her Starbucks cup: i'm not a mermaid. Merlin is my father. i'm the Canadian Hoda Kotb. being friends with me is like being friends with Hoda Kotb.

Suzy Lu: i'm everybody's Babysitter-sama.

Honey Bear: non-nutritive cereal varnish is Golden Smacks, honey.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

back pills: what could have been...

Ellen Griswold: is it plugged in?

Clark Griswold: the Christmas lights had an outlet but i turned that outlet into 2 staples...

PG&E: CLARK GRISWOLD'S FAULT.

Rusty Griswold: did you see how adroit that scene was? me, a 12-year-old boy, checks the circuit breakers in the house after the power outage by the light of my cigarette lighter. i shouldn't have a cigarette lighter, i'm too young!!! CLEVER WRITING, JOHN HUGHES!!!

Takahashi: okay i want a refrigerator with a poster of fast food on the side.

Randy Quaid: rubber sheets and gerbils.........that's for my real life...

Clark: calling me a greaseball is not funny, it's offensive to my heritage, to my family name, my family last name.

Martin Yan to Clark: hey, greaseball, don't use my wok for your sled.

Rod Serling: wait so the coat is the shitter?

Randy Quaid: save the neck for me, Clark. the turkey neck. you can neck my wife.

the turkey explodes like an inflated football then deflates into a steaming Attack on Titan husk.

Tom Brady: the footballs were inflated. like my ego. those were gassy footballs. Gisele left me because i have gas.

Ellen: don't worry, we have a pizza-emergency credit from Domino's.

Clark with a bag over this head: i will accept this Jelly of the Month Club certificate if and only if my daughter gets a Peanut Butter of the Month Club.

Juliette Lewis: DAAAAAD.

Chloe Fineman: see? eggnog calms.

newel post: Encyclopedia Brown thing.

Clark: sorry, that squirrel is my Caddyshack past coming back to haunt me.

Patrick Bateman: it's not yuppie, it's Vaporwave.

Justin Bieber: and this was before swatting was a thing.

SWAT officer: we got a call in a Betty Boop voice from this location...

Jen R: come on, you can't side-kiss your wife!!!

Steve Urkel: the end-credits song is Sonic the Hedgehog music.

Capp: cut through the noise/ on a still night/ when you can think

powering your phone to 100% power: you might as well take this time to ask for $100.

Catherine Tate: i don't know what a quarterback with cheese is, but i was a British cheerleader...

DoorDash: 12 items is a scary order, but 6 of the items are Hot Sauce packets...

Rebecca Lowe: Boxing-Day Week is the only week off i get to fuck...

Gabriel Jesus: it's not the end of the world if i sit on the sidelines...

dress the bird: a day at the Are You Being Served? department store.

Bill Cosby in Cosby (1996): you're in a garden when you watch a sitcom.

Marcello Hernandez: i wrote an El Gordo y La Flaca SNL sketch...

Jen and i are finishing up Streets of Bethlehem at midnight peeing in a bush together.

me: HEY LOOK!!! it's The Pennsylvania Hermit!!!

Jen R: no that's Chris Matthews.

 

MONK MAFIA: CHRISTMAS BALLOONS / THREE DOG NIGHT

 

Bede: you're in this room because you failed to pay your bills.

Peewit: the monastery is prison.

Bede: no, you.........you stepped on my line, i was gonna say BUT this is not a prison, it's my psychiatrist's cell.

Peewit: same difference.

Bede: no, man, this is gonna be FUN!!! we're here to explore YOUR insecurities and foibles!!! please tell me.

Peewit: aren't YOU supposed to figure that out?

Bede: who do i look like to you, Summer Sanders? tell me anything.

Peewit: Christmas balloons. right? Christmas balloons are WEIRD. balloons that say Merry Christmas, have you EVER seen ANYBODY have these balloons in their house? like you see a Merry Christmas balloon next to the Christmas tree? NOBODY does this.

Arthur Agee's dad: when you confess your sins in front of the general public, THAT is church.

Jean-Luc Picard: i don't have a Christmas mantle, i have a log room...

Herdez salsa: can we PLEASE make our jar necks WIDE for easier chip-dipping?

tikka-masala rice: it's tricky, those clumps of rice look like chicken...

Jen R: taste like chicken, too.

Sean Connery: be sure to pour a tiny tin silver can of Glasgow Scottish tomatoes in that chicken tikka masala bowl of rice...

Suzy Lu: ...

Julie Patzwald: a DBZ-themed goth-band name: Crooked Cricket.

Boc sick in bed eating a biscuit: the soles of my feet have become Fruit Roll-Ups from walking.

Lindy Lenz: like those jagged-edged fruit-flavored triangular ice pops from the '90s, remember those?

Link speaking in an Australian accent: remember when Fruit Roll-Ups would form mold in the sun?

Lindy Lenz: call me Linky Lenz.

dad: Buzzbugs has that Choose Your Own Adventure vibe, that easygoing storytelling style about life set in a nice village...

Jen R: i want to wear a coat that's an ENDLESS hot shower, i NEVER want that hot water cascading down my soft shoulders to end.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

Chevy Chase: kiss your ass, think about it.

Takahashi: oh yeah, remember that stapler at the mall that would remove the shoplift bone from the blouses and jeans at Miller's Outpost?

Winona Ryder: ...

hot counter girl: wanna touch my tits? because you can't.

Clark Griswold: i'm just wiping the sweat off my brow with your panties as my handkerchief.

Clark: my son is cool, he has a Where the Wild Things Are poster on his wall.

Clark's mom: remember the game i did with you when you were little? your nose is the ladder and i stick my finger in your mouth.

Clark: yes ma but why?

Clark's mom: bats in the belfry.

Clark: hot-glue your Christmas lights to your house's leaf filter. Chicago always rains, right?

Elaine from Seinfeld: how'd the carpet get wet?

Patrick Bateman: you PEED on the carpet, Elaine!!!

son: feed the hog.

mom: masturbate?

grandpa: even grandpas masturbate under the covers when the poster of Gina Gershon is on the attic-door ceiling.

Ellen to Clark: i didn't marry you, i married your cure cleft chin.

Clark: i was hoping nobody would notice that. 

Ellen: your chin divot. i'm into golf.

King's Hawaiian Rolls: we can't be toasted, yeah, sorry.

Ozone wearing Fred Astaire's shoes: scratch culture, you thought it had to do with itchy butts.

Turbo riding the Tour de France: and you'd be right, only DANCE can cure an itchy butt.

Ozone: lottery tickets are sold at the bodega i work at, the whole thing's a scam that traps the urban poor, that's why we had to come up with our OWN scratch culture.

Kate Bush: "Running Up That Hill," i conceived that song when i conceived the baby of the lute man from Storybook International under Medieval elm.

the Storybook International luter: many people don't know this but that hill was grassy, not asphalt. we used severely-triangular lutes back then...

Ed from Live: i'm not Thom from Radiohead...

Christopher Kimball: how do you pronounce caramel?

Wendy: no one knows.

Jesus: the Gaza/Israel ceasefire will drop on December 25, my birthday.........a day that has no significance to either side...

Shel Silverstein: there was nothing more magical than a 1970s coloring book.

Roger Federer: why aren't there 4 tennis balls in a can? at least that's a game.

Novak Djokovic: ...

Roger: 4 points.

Novak: why am i still here?

Link: make your tissues into tiny triangles to blow your nose, that turns your mucus into magic mucus.

the Legend of Zelda whistle: turns your mucus into music.

Link: the Triforce is helping you blow your nose.

Ganon: try blowing your nose while sucking on a Tootsie Roll Pop. as your liquid mucus waterfalls out your nostrils like clear droplets of light brown sugar. as you're battling a stubborn cough.

Peewit: i see him.

Bede: who?

Peewit: the boy. he's 13. his head is turned so no one can see his face. but i know he's wearing glasses and has freckles. his hair is brown, moptop. he's in the studio where they film Land of the Lost. the entire studio is covered in orange carpet, all four walls and the floor and ceiling. and the stairs. he's on a step off the center of the stage. he wears tall lanky midnight-blue bellbottoms and a chocolate-brown corduroy shirt. he has his back turned to the audience in the ultimate sign of respect.

Bede: how's that? 

Peewit: because he's about to dance. he starts off subtle, a thread of groove lifts his entire body. he starts shaking his head to one side, bopping his head frequently, always the left side, always to the left, his head hitting his shoulder. his knees follow this groove, up and down like a collapsible construction-site crane ladder. he slaps the other side of his pants with his palm creating that SCHGWINGY slidey sound of corduroy.

Bede: like a bow against a violin. this boy is special to you, he is what you cannot be, he represents for you freedom.

Peewit: yeah. a freer time. he's from the '70s, i'm from the '80s. i took up to him. i envy his dance moves. he's jamming out to Three Dog Night's "Joy to the World."

Bede: it's that cold?