NEW AGE TRAVELLERS: QUESTION THE QUEST

 

the travellers reach India. and Lake Palace.

dad: this is the most beautiful grandest ornatest most bombastic angelic spiritual erudite edifice there has ever been.

Alan Watts: but how are we to reach it? it's a palace of permission, an island of indecision, surrounded on all four sides by the lake. we need water taxis but they cost a bundle. you have to know what color coin to give the ferryman, it's all very hush-hush.

dad: it's fine, you just have to eat dinner for breakfast, that is the enlightened way, that will give you the time necessary to meditate and think about it. 

after a trip around the lake for a year, the two make it to the dry land of Lake Palace.

Alan: do you think there's a buried pirate treasure chest in the lake?

dad: nah, too cliche, not Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves enough.

Alan: i'm gonna ask the ferryman if i can park our double-decker bus on the palace roof.

ferryman: is this the same Bird Bus i tugged across the lake for a year?...

dad: forgive my friend, this has nothing to do with colonization.

Charley Hull: think about it, of course i'm John Daly's daughter. i smoke cigarettes on golf courses when it's not advised. and John Daly DID have an affinity for the British Open...

The Pope: i'm voting for Kamala. women unite. the night of the election is Women's Night!!!

Laura in Rock Odyssey: i marry Sylvester Stallone? why does the moon always have to be melty ice cream?

Billy Corgan: right?

Laura: no i didn't need a death to renew my lust for life. i only needed one love of my life. i don't care if the new guy is Robert Redford as the Gorton Fisherman with his sea pals the lobster and bird from The Little Mermaid.

Owen Dennis, creator of Infinity Train: do you know how you avoid lost media? put it on VHS...

Laura: and i mean what if we're in Greenpeace together and he likes tuna?...

Laura: i'm not wearing the Titanic raincoat, it's bad luck. then again so was wearing my high-school sweetheart's varsity jacket....

Maria Muldaur: i'm the hot hippie chick, Fox Mulder's lost sister, not the woman in the Camel cigarettes ad...

seagull: here, Laura, take a swig of this bottle. alcohol solves all your problems.

Walt Disney: this is what all Disney movies are really trying to say.

Laura: the YWCA hits different. it's not like the YMCA, it's more collegial...

Billy Joel: the first time you heard my music was at the YMCA...

Gabe Kotter: i'm in Rock Odyssey? no way, i would never be a part of corporate America. 

Laura: this '80s supercomputer is giving me Incredible Mr. Limpet vibes. i just want Burt Reynolds to tell me he's still alive in his living room.

Laura: and my Combo Man at the end is Jem if he was a man!!! my eternal love in the stars!!!

Jazz from Transformers: ladies and gentlemen, kids of all ages!!! i transform into a jukebox!!! 

Scatman Crothers: you know when you're watching Rock Odyssey and you're living through all the eras again: the '50s, the '60s, the '70s, the '80s, all the music and wars and draft-card death certificates, getting kicked out of the country, getting dumped at your prom and dunked at a wharf by a fisherman, you start to get the morbs. the morbs are that feeling you get deep inside you that you've wasted your whole life. i did it all for Van Nuys!!!

Alan Watts: this palace has 100 empty rooms. which one first?

the first room has Keanu Reeves in it.

Alan: Keanu!!! my little Buddha!!! can i call you Goddy?

Keanu: huh, that's a really cool name, thank you.

Alan: so? what are the answers?

Keanu: eat a pound of greasy bacon for a year then get back to me. don't touch the cows around here.

Alan: bacon doesn't come from cows?

dad: i'll just be here until you're done.

the next room is the locked door to Club 33.

Alan: what's in there? i've always wanted to know.

Mickey Mouse: no entrance for riffraff.

Alan Watts: look at my face, i'm Walt Disney with long shaggy hair!!!

Mickey Mouse: *heavy sigh* fine. 

inside is the real Banksy. and the real Mr. Brainwash but nobody cares about Mr. Brainwash.

Benoy in a palace room: stop asking me what my name means. all names mean "generous."

Maynard James Keenan in another room: acupuncture is very Tool.

Alan Watts: i'm afraid you won't have much use for me, MJK, you like more hard-edged comedians.

Keanu: let your mind drift for a year then get back to me.

Alan Watts: where do you go for that year of my drift?

Keanu: my family.

Alan: you have a family? people don't really know you at all...

Keanu: yeah of course, i mean of course i have a family. i'll leave it at that. how do you drift?

Alan: i watch a random non-Christmas episode of Thundarr the Barbarian.

suddenly Alan Watts is talking to Kurt Cobain in another room of the palace.

Kurt Cobain: the world ended in 1994 on Thundarr the Barbarian. it kinda ended for Earth, too, after i died there was nothing else that really mattered after that.

Thundarr the Barbarian: i'm He-Man but with an even GOOFIER haircut.

Ariel: where exactly does this Conan the Barbarian in the Year 3000 world of ours take place?

Ookla: South Dakota...

Alan Watts: i know what i have to do here. i baked you some chimichangas in my pressure cooker.

Keanu: thank you. they are delicious.

Alan: that's it, sir? Mr. Neo. Neo the New God. Neo, are you named after a car?

Keanu: what's it? you know i've never had chimichangas before, these chimichangas are blowing my mind right now.

Alan: i mean you would think Keanu Reeves eats chimichangas, you know?

Olivia Gadecki: i'm the Australian Sharapova.

Maria Sharapova: not in the face.

sodade: when you're missing your Coke with your Oreo but you don't know why...

Super Mario: you know what REALLY messes up the recycling machines? an avocado stone.

Finland: all we do is win.........Davis Cup...

Jacques Pepin: when you're doing poundcake for Claudine it has to look like filet mignon...

Lucille Ball: yeah i heard the Japanese spy code through my teeth. thank God i married a dentist instead of a bongo man. in exchange i gave the Japanese people my recipe for chocolate. you know? Japanese chocolate just isn't a thing. all the Japanese people are my beloved friends, they think i'm anime. and i put my grape-wine recipe in Goku's mouth. Japanese wine?

Goku: our Japanese wine is called sake...

Salvador Dali: when i'm normal i look like Robert De Niro...

Trinity: i'm a cat who enjoys sniffing tea boxes.........but only when i'm in a box...

Keir Dullea: Polaris Dawn? you rocket jockeys have NO FUCKING IDEA what's out there...

Keir Dullea: do NOT filter all the nitrogen out of my blood, i need that stuff to make sure i'm not hallucinating.

woman on bridge: i was livin' on a prayer. and then my prayer was answered, Jon Bon Jovi came to rescue me!!! do you know any country songs?

Jon Bon Jovi: no. but i look like Jesus.

Alex P. Keaton: i just want to be a quant bro.

Shannon Sharpe: see the thing is Club Shay Shay is meant to be an intimate forum where two people can really TALK. not THAT intimate. a soft setting with soda water. i am truly sorry my 900 billion followers all heard me having rough sex, i humbly ask for your forgiveness. you know that Instagram Live thing is dangerous...

Stephen A. Smith: Shannon was just rehearsing a scene for General Hospital, y'all.

Florence Foster Jenkins: you're tearing me apart, Lisa!!! oh hai, Mark, want to hit the football with me?

Florence Foster Jenkins: so we're practicing at the Grey Gardens stairs?...

Mike McDaniel: i'm not your coach, i'm your teammate.

Mike McDaniel: i don't mind kissing in the NFL.

Transformers: don't worry, the cartoon will always come in after and clean up the mess of the live-action movie...

Super Mario: when it comes to my trash trucks, my recycle trucks, NO NOTES is what you're looking for, NO NOTES is what you want, NO NOTES like an adult-cartoon production company analyzing the latest risque submission from college...

Gary Kroeger: being a docent at your local museum, that is what we all want. my grandkids...

me: let me stop you right there, grandkids is a pipe dream.

dad: i wanted to work at Taco Bell but they wouldn't let me.

Gary: i'm not being decadent, i need this job...

Grimace: new owner, new benefits, new attitude. the Cedar Rapids McDonald's can't compete with you guys. gimme a smoothie. a purple smoothie...

Winston Smith wearing a fast-drink visor at the drive-thru window: people are watching everything you do, act accordingly...

Boc: i'm RUNNING through the intersection, but then i have to walk because someone is walking through this same intersection from the other side...

Alan Watts: like my new bandana and two earrings one earring in each ear?

dad: very Stevie Nicks.

Keanu: yeah, i was gonna say very Rhoda but same difference.

Alan: i'm doing a one-man Pirates of Dark Water celebration to try to keep WCO a viable website. it's harder to make a sand mandala at the beach than you think...

Alan Watts: why are all these rooms empty? why is this palace of prayer abandoned?

Keanu: so you want to be a hippie.

Alan: yes. at least for a year. how'd you know?

Keanu: well the next best thing to being a hippie is being an actor. Storybook International films here all the time, they've used Lake Palace for all 13 of their "East" episodes.

Queen "Rock It (Prime Jive)": the song you hear as you ascend into Heaven...

 

NEW AGE TRAVELLERS: THAT'S THE TURMERIC TALKING

 

Deadpool: i'll just take that bomb off your hands...

Alan Watts: it's not a bomb, it's my pressure cooker.

Deadpool: i'll give it to my partner and life partner Wolverine, he's the one into all that war stuff, i'm just in it for the sarcasm.

dad: got any turmeric? we need to tranquilize.

Deadpool: i got a bottle of turmeric in the back of my Jack but turmeric needs to tea or it doesn't work. that stuff makes your stools rock-hard.

Alan: give me ideas, i'm dry as a mushroom.

Deadpool: bake Coca-Cola Oreos in your cooker, those fizzy red Oreos are the best things i've ever eaten in my life. talk about two things made for each other!!! made to squish into each other and cream like me and Wolverine.

Liam Gallagher: you can understand me, it's YOU who has the accent.

me: i'm just thinking about the Goonies sequel.

Liam: i'll play the pizzaface monster man. HEY YOU GUYS!!! no makeup needed, i Sloth'd my voice on a brick wall.

Steven Spielberg: somehow, a bagel will save the day...

Jen R: but who would play the big bad? Granmama Fratelli...

Darth Vader: you can never kill me, you motherfuckers. you space sons of bitches. i'm the only voice actor who matters. i'm an important voice in the world community. i was the one who stopped the Bomb!!! they dropped a bomb on me. at age 100 i'm getting married again, i'm off to my CNN wedding!!!...

Darth Vader: even Darth Vader gets a second chance at love late in life...

James Earl Jones: with my voice, i should have done anime...

James Earl Jones: i am The Voice, not that stupid NBC show!!!

Darth Vader: i ain't some squeaky white guy, i know what the yellow pages are.

Deadpool: Ace Bricklayers do good work, little buddy, they did my desert dwelling on a cliff...

Darth Vader: how do you eat?

Deadpool: my mask is temporary...

Brooke Nevin's boyfriend: why did we wait 20 years to have our FIRST child?

Brooke Nevin: i was just REALLY scared our kid would inherit my stuff and be an Animorph and turn into a shark in the middle of the night.

Edward Packard: ...

Edward Packard: and you guys don't have a waterbed?...

Paula Abdul: so the cartoon cat in my music video "Opposites Attract" is from Rock Odyssey...

MC Skat Kat: will i certainly wasn't one of Andy Warhol's cats...

Ralph Bakshi: hey toots, Rock Odyssey is something i would have done for UCLA Film School, no risks.

Michael Jordan: the Monstars from Space Jam are The Munsters in Rock Odyssey...

Hanna-Barbera: we had to do Rock Odyssey, they wouldn't let us draw Daphne from Scooby-Doo and Judy Jetson naked...

Pebbles: wanna see me knocked up? check out the SLIVER of Rock Odyssey found in Hollyrock-a-Bye Baby the Flintstones TV special...

Norm Macdonald at Denny's wearing a hat: yeah Rock Odyssey, that was my first role, i played Elvis...

Laura: class rings were big in the '80s. and in 1952. always at the prom the ring exchange was made. let's have this a temporary spurned-lover story, we don't want me turning into Belladonna of Sadness here...

hippies: SAVE THE GRASS!!! WE SUCK GRASS!!!

me: in my dream it's the Monty Python "Spanish Inquisition" sketch but instead of the Spanish Inquisition, John Cleese keeps yelling out, "The Terminator!!!"

Jen: this dream has nothing to do with you, it's about how John Cleese got canceled.

Jen: in my dream it's already Halloween.

me: i know why: Autumn in New York.

Jen: no place for Halloween halogen, candles only. i'm gonna say something very controversial: Kit Kat the wafer chocolate-piano-keys square should have never done flavors. the different flavors ruined the original taste.

me: would i be more attractive if i was in a piano bar?

Jen: MAYBE the lemon one. but it doesn't taste like lemon, it tastes like liqueur.

Doryce: i had an old boyfriend from Louisiana. i could fit inside his Little Hammock...

Deadpool: the Disney dream is not what life is. and nobody knows how to take us there.

Darth Vader: i didn't want to do Disney. The Lion King made me queasy. i wanted to do more adult fare like Rock Odyssey, animated ass, they said they wanted to animate my ass.

Deadpool: like James Earl Jones as a cartoon character?

Darth Vader: no, Darth Vader's butt having sex.

Boc: i'm walking through the intersection, RUNNING through the intersection in my short shorts.........when i get a CRAMP...

Boc: btw, these short shorts don't flatter my ass at all, i still have a pancake butt.

dad: i wore a bucket hat like Akira Kurosawa in the '80s. it just happened to be a raining day...

Howard Hesseman: yeah next year's musical for my Head of the Class class after Hair will be Rock Odyssey. students thrive on controversy. it's always a scary uncertain thing when you leave the placid park of the Golden Gate Bridge for Vietnam...

Howard Hesseman: everyone in those days could only do one thing: reject the world, carrying their acoustic-guitar case and suitcase as they got on a bus that was orange, pink, and blue. eating a chocolate donut, that was the hippie-est thing you could do...

Monterey Sports Center: where local Olympic gymnasts train...

Eddie Munster: Cara Delevingne stole my eyebrows.

Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic: what do we do now?

Kurt Cobain: replace me with D'arcy, this is gonna be rad.

D'arcy Wretzky: i am the lead singer of Nirvana.

Spalding Gray: and i play keyboard in the band.

David Pajo: sure, i have no friends, no family, no legacy, but a Rolling Stone interview will make my life better...

Meredith Baxter-Birney: who wants the Family Ties prequel? how Steven and i met at Berkeley then moved to Woodstock, two hippies falling in love.

Michael Gross: Woodstock, that happened a long time ago in a galaxy far far away...

Mallory Keaton: remember the warmth of slideshows?

Jennifer Keaton: if you want me to be normal, get me some grass.

Steven Keaton: i started the first Fat Slice at Berkeley. Elyse helped with the patty-cake.

Elyse Keaton: fuck you, Steven. i invented the concept of PBS but Mister Rogers stole my idea and told Jim Henson first. while i was making babies keeping NBC and Lifetime afloat they said i could puppet Elmo.  

Andy Keaton: Beetlejuice sucks...

Alex P. Keaton: does this mean i have to get naked and dance around on stage?...

Nick Moore from The Art of Being Nick: i am a gang of one.

Ex-President Bump: this is why it's so hard to win two U.S. Opens in a row...

The Weather Channel: when it's a hurricane now, we put up the Apocalypse red screen...

No Pets: this is why you have to sell $50 boneless wings...

Roger Federer taps on the Bird Bus double-doors.

Roger Federer: let me in, this Indian-summer heat wave is harshing my buzz, man. i'm used to snow year-round.

Alan Watts: our path forward is dodgy, gentlemen. i might have to eat the liver of a cow.

Roger Federer: do you know what my dream was all these years? i wanted to eat low-carb celery for every meal to keep fit enough as a pro tennis player to be able to win enough tournaments so i could retire early and have enough money to eat 10 Big Macs from McDonald's a day...

 

 

NEW AGE TRAVELLERS: PRESSURE COOKER

 

dad and Alan Watts are traveling on the road around the world on a spiritual quest aboard The Liver Birds double-decker bus.

dad: thanks for picking me up, Princeton was getting boring, i'm smarter than those people.

Alan Watts: okay but you do all the driving, i don't have time to drive, i need to save my time to think.

dad: i'm scared to drive but i'll do it.

Alan: we were okay when we were at Stonehenge, everyone makes a pit stop at Stonehenge. now where do we go?

dad: i'm fucking hungry.

Alan: i got this pressure cooker here i stole from my last retreat. 

dad: your forehead is sweating.

Alan: i'm under a lot of pressure to prepare a nice meal for the both of us in this cooker constantly. i don't know what to put in it, i'm thinking ice cream.

dad: yeah i've seen one of those things, in my Princeton dorm room, my roommate was an atheist, until the pot was eventually filled with pot. and the point was lost. it's a multicooker, it cooks ANYTHING. try a souffle. who you calling?

Alan: i'm emitting a silent wolf howl from my bowels in hopes of contacting David Bowie...

Holt Hanley: wanna go out? i could take you on a surfing date. i get so excited when you talk about all the activities people can do around the Monterey Peninsula.

Ariana Araiza: there's only one activity i do: fucking. and the Salinas Rodeo. i mean i don't mind but i'm married, you know?

Holt: we have so much in common.

Ariana: it's really just the weather. but everyone has the weather in common...

Holt Hanley: what if i told you i was Deadpool...

Ariana Araiza: but your face doesn't look like a prune.

Holt: aren't scars sexy?

Ariana: prunes help you poo. i see it sometimes in Salinas.

Holt: what if i told you i was E.Z. Taylor in real life...

Ariana: NOW you're attractive to me.

President Bump: because of my presidency, kids vaped at an all-time high to deal with the stress. you're welcome, America, fuck yeah i ate word salad i mean egg salad with Elton John, yeah i did. nicotine pouch, like the surface of my skin.

Gorton Fisherman: the sea fog mixed with the smell of chocolate chip cookies from the bakery, that is heaven, that is the opposite of Davy Jones's locker which smells like wooden socks.

Julia Ioffe: where's the bakery on this tugboat?

Gorton Fisherman: lubbers don't live.

Julia Ioffe: you gotta find love NOT online...

Gorton Fisherman: i smell like fish.

Julia Ioffe: someone will love you. i like men in uniform.

Marcos de la Fe: i'm if Jimmy Kimmel got an autograph from Jean-Luc Picard and my hero was Hitomi from The Vision of Escaflowne.

Hitomi: these tarot cards are not form Scotland...

Joe Biden: Kamala, i want you to win.

Kamala Harris: thanks, Joe.

Joe Biden: moneyless tho, you know? i carry no cash.

me: i want the fairytale wedding. i want to say i married my best friend. my BFF is now my wife. Jen, you are my best friend.

Jen R: you want the CNN wedding...

Talia: i'm fancy because i'm small.

Trinity: i know, ONLY YOU get your back-nails cut...

Trinity: what does it feel like to have soft hind quarters?

Talia: i don't walk, i GLIDE.

Burger King Bacon King: you don't enjoy me because i don't have any pickles...

Alan Watts: good food takes time, right? culinary magic to feed our vision journey. 

dad: eat a lot of beets to see in the dark. i'm not wolfing for Aaron Rodgers. 

Alan: there are no plugs on this bus. and i'm not talking about the women. i'm trying to coalesce the energon particles floating all around us to power this damned circular contraption.  

dad: fast-food meat is ghastly, just stick with the bread products: the KFC biscuit, the McDonald's fries...

Alan: donuts for dinner, that is my dream.

dad: have an all-sweet diet: fruit and candy.

Alan: i like tea.

dad: yes but do you drink tea WITHOUT SUGAR? only that is hardcore...

Futurama: don't want to pay for Hulu? power through that headache, react to it on YouTube, your editor lives in Austria so she's not working on one hour sleep...

The Farmer's Dog referee commercial: i dare you not to cry.

me: and i'm a cat person.

Greykid: YOU SUCK, REF!!!

Jen R: i'm bi, i like dogs and cats...

me: John McEnroe wouldn't have been the winner he was without his brattiness.

Jen R: he had the same hair as Bob Ross. has anyone at a tennis tournament gotten out of the stands, jumped onto the tennis court, and run around?

me: i wish. not naked. smelly tho. it's not so much that they jump, they FALL onto the court.

Jen: gotcha, only the drunkies at a local tournament, save the streakers for Wimbledon when more grand eyes are watching.

Jen R: what's your Vaporwave name?

me: Purple Purpose.

Jen: no, Purple Porpoise. 

on the next episode of Empty Nest...

old doctor: i'm trying to teach my kids safety but i'm afraid the times have passed me by.

normal daughter: nicotine patch.

crazy daughter: no, nicotine POUCH.

Joe Isuzu: gramps, you're so old you need a TOBACCO pouch...

and now, Samuel Hahnemann for Folgers Crystals...

Samuel Hahnemann: so i was playing my favorite video game Kingdom Hearts as my favorite character Sora when i had a stroke. but really i was just having a fit over not being able to get past the ski level.

Super Mario: you needed the Sora Mushroom...

Mushishi: i'm the only one here taking this seriously...

Spock of Sea Shepherd aboard an unmarked boat: i mean we're the good pirates, you know? the whales only have us.

Batman: Caped Crusader penultimate episode Episode 9 "The Killer Inside Me".

Patricia Heaton: i play the waitress.

Ossie Davis: i play the alleyway victim.

Ethel Mertz: i play the moll. 

Montoya: parks a bullet in your knee, that's good writing.

Alfred: you call me Pennyworth? show some respect, young Master Bruce, i was the one who raised you.

Bruce Wayne: i'm sorry, Alfred, i'm not used to this whole weird Batman thing.

Harvey Dent: the ending of this episode is the ending of Scarface, get it?...

cymbals crashing: you're thinking of Billy Corgan right now...

Robert Crumb: i'm gonna live to 100...

Trent Reznor: is the second N in NIN really backwards?...

the Joker in the final episode of Batman: Caped Crusader "Savage Night": show me how you ratchet these handcuffs.........anyone OTHER THAN Harley...

me: in my dream it's an episode of Storybook International with a talking cat. it was going to be a great episode, a different episode, but then i woke up...

Greykid: you could actually see the cat's mouth move...

Jen R: in my dream my stone square-tile shower has a window.

me: in the bathroom?

Jen: no, in the shower.

me: for others to peep through?

Jen: to let the steam out...

Skylar at Safeway: hey, don't take the receipt the cashier gives you, crumple it up, and put it in your pocket, that's disrespectful to us cashiers...

L.A. Rams: i know it's Los Angeles but we're not frivolous about life. we understand the important things, the important stuff: wills and beds...

Wendy Richard: it's easy for us British actors, we all just enroll at RADA...

Rock Odyssey: Cool World + Dragon's Lair + Heavy Metal but it's PG...

Mardith on Instagram: everyone wants me show my tits, not my cookies...

Alan Watts: aw, fuck it, let's just go to Jack in the Box, pull out and pull in to the nearest Jack when the moment hits you. where's the next exit? when's the next offramp?...

dad: not till France.

the two shiny spirit schleppers finally make it to the Jack in the Box drive-thru. Deadpool is at the window.

Deadpool: clearance is 12 inches, you had no chance from the start. how big are your tits?

Alan Watts: my good man we are as they say in the vernacular fucking starving.

Deadpool: sorry, pops, all our tea has sugar. it's not the jumbo egg rolls which are a marvel, it's the mini chimis. making chimichangas miniature is a feat of science. 

 

 

LOVE HAUL: MOUNTAIN FAMILY

 

despite the serene surroundings, i am awoken by my own night terrors. i scramble to Cloris and Botic's room and clutch on Cloris's frilly holey nightgown open in the heavy night mountain air.

Cloris: what's troubling you, darling?

me: i can't sleep. i have a recurring nightmare: it's always the first day of school but the setting is different. but i'm always terrified, filled with dread, i don't wanna go, i'm scrambling to clank open the cupboards to find lunch: brown-bag peanut-butter sandwich and a leaky milk. 

Cloris: i'm not a psychoanalyst but i am a mother. you're not scared of school or learning, you're scared of getting on with you life.

me: which means going back to school.

Botic: son, now don't you worry about food. our cupboards are stocked like a motherfucker full of bread and peanut oil.

me: can i give you a mountain-bear hug?

Botic: sure. let me get my pajamas on first.

me: my whole life my bedroom smelled of old people.

Cloris: you were YEARNING to have the stability of your grandparents by your side to show you the way. they fought all those wars so all you'd have to do was watch TV. 

Jen R: it's those brown-sugar candies of the Greatest Generation which smell of security.

Cloris: nobody knows how to find their way. i was a lost soul of the Lost Generation but i found my footing when i accidentally discovered the fashion trend of wearing socks with your sandals. now go on in there to the other room and have some fun...

the best part of Yu Yu Hakusho: the haunting sound effects.

Lucy Ricardo and Ethel Mertz are eating watercress sandwiches with Caroline Appleby as Caroline is driving down the highway in the Beverly Hillbillies car.

Caroline Appleby: see? watercress is the healthiest veggie of them all, my whole life has been redeemed.

Lucy Ricardo: so we're supposed to ex-voto your ass? give you a milagro votive and pretend you're not a cheap skank, our bridge partner, and our friend?

Ethel Mertz: Caroline is annoying but she's such a great person. i like eating borrowed cups of sugar.

Lucy: i only eat Taco Bell, you Florida bitch. they do Taco Bell right in Cuba.

Caroline: i'm chippy and cheery to hide the fact that i've been in a loveless marriage with my butler for 30 years. all i've got are these watercress sandwiches. with NO apple slices in the middle.

The Twilight Zone "The Fall".

astronaut: this is 2001: A Space Odyssey if there had been more people.

Anthony Bourdain: why couldn't my search have led to another planet?...

astronaut: what's my mission again? i don't know, all i know is Barrett has one of those fucking SOOTHING voices.

Barrett: everyone in the village wants to fuck me. i'm like the Amish Smurfette.

Molly Qerim: my Cat Paw is deadlier than when your cat paws at your computer wire...

Super Mario: you know what i want for Christmas? one of those long flat silver steel things on a pole that pushes all the recyclables in your bin down.

Luigi: tool for a tool.

Tricky: pusher for a pusha.

Gladyce at The Treehouse: can we PLEASE get dishwasher gel pacs that don't fold up like a MAD Magazine Fold-In at the back cover of the magazine?

Suzy Lu: i changed my profile pic on my YouTube channel, i'm not sexy anymore, i'm married.

Molly Qerim in L.A.: when i flick your ear that's my dekopin.

Stephen A. Smith: i watch anime.

Trinity: it's not that we don't like water, but we built a cool Catmobile that goes underwater.

Talia: a submarine. it's a submarine for cats. a cat submarine. a catmarine.

Trinity: all for the love of Friskies.

Boc: it's not true that i only walk, i run, too, i run across the highway for my life. when i get home i stretch in front of my neighbor's house, under the guise of stretching i show him my butt in the morning.

Jules Smith: you need to read this book.

me: Max Porter Shy. i'm too shy to read it.

Jules: i can't emphasize enough how much i want you to read it.

me: okay okay it'll be on my doorstep tonight. DoorDash raids libraries, right?

Michael Weiss: i don't get it, look at my face, i INVENTED avocado toast!!!

Julia Ioffe: i will only eat avocado toast aboard a Boeing.

Michael Weiss: from my undercover reporting.........it's hopeless.

Julia Ioffe: look again, there's one Boeing that has a Denny's inside it. 

me: i'm excited.

Jules Smith: to read it?

me: that you're talking to me again.

Jules: you like his style?

me: i do. it's like mine: prose as poetry, jumbled up, jangled. trying to find the connection between two disparate thoughts. word shards.

Jules: the words on the page is itself an oil painting...

Bjoern: omg i need that Dodgers sombrero!!!

John Travolta: disco dust.

Pepper X: i'm so hot i've killed people.

Brad Pitt: like Angelina Jolie.

Pepper X: we're in KFC chicken, right? that's one of the secret spices. one of the Eleven. hot herbs. but herbs are supposed to be mellow...

Scooby-Doo: Scoville is my son. 

Shaggy: i'm the uncle but i forget to babysit...

W.H. Auden: if you're a poet, you're single...

Martin Yan: why when i pour sesame-seed oil around my wok the oil spot always ends up the shape of a cock?

Leslie Sbrocco: because you're looking at me.

Leslie Sbrocco: dear Martin, i want to have your babies.

Martin Yan: wait, woman, hold your horses, i saved up enough New Year's cash to go on that Claudine Pepin cruise.

Leslie Sbrocco: can i use those red boxes for my shoes?...

Edgemont: you want to get into Edgemont, you want to qualify to get into Edgemont that mysterious enticing Canadian high school.........but it's just not Degrassi...

Jen and i are fucking in the next room.

Jen R: are cabin walls thin?

me: they're logs. it's been so long since i've done this, how many times do i spank your butt?

Jen: no more than 9 but not less than 3...

me: Alan Watts's silk sheets are giving me a terrible CRAMP!!! the pain is UNBEARABLE!!! Alan's silk sheets have TRAPPED my shins!!!

Jen: do you want me to stop riding you?

me: no, it's the perfect balancing-out of pain and pleasure. 

Jen: after this i'm gonna design a time machine with a shag-carpet interior.

me: imagine an entire Doctor Who season set entirely in the 1970s...

this is your default Denny's: get the four cute tiny toasted BLT sandwiches with the toothpick spearing each sammie, bread cut diagonally. 

Coolio: the green foil and the red foil of the party 'picks, motherfucker. it's other-level.

Encino IHOP in the '80s: spaghetti & meatballs in that blue stoneware tugboat saucer...

me: i'm stuck in the '80s because i'm stuck on the '80s.

Rachael Ray: paella. okay? just focus on the paella.

Lorne Michaels: watch Uzumaki instead, i get it, i understand, it's an election year but who cares about SNL?...

Robert Crumb: what are we collabing on?

John Waters: let's do the live-action Mr. Natural. i'm playing Mr. Natural naturally, i took like him.

Robert Crumb: we look exactly the same.

John Waters: i seriously doubt you can grow a Gandalf beard like that. i have that yellow robe in my closet.

Robert Crumb: who the fuck owns a yellow robe? i always wanted Santa Claus to have a long white flowing beard...

Suzy Lu: McVitie's.........i know, McTitties.

Muchova: much love.

PBS: all our new shows are only in the summer...

Lupin III: Prison of the Past.

Zenigata: in college when everyone else was being popular with Ultimate Frisbee, i was learning how to toss the mini frisbee around. 

Jen R: the art of flicking Werther's Originals to hit elevator buttons.

Goemon: isn't this that same Leonardo da Vinci flying machine?...

Lupin: it's 2019, safe spaces are very important to show in anime and the real world.

Jigen: my gun is Lupin's gun from Lupin Zero...

Fujiko: there's another woman here who is me with my voice but no chest...

Michelangelo: and the king in this Lupin movie is literally my God...

God: the cruelty of this world never ceases to amaze me...

Baloo: this is Disneyland Autopia with the Sea Duck on the surface of the ocean.

Fujiko: the Rules of Anime have been preserved, a female is only strong when she's going up against a man fighting him one-on-one...

Jesus: you're just gonna throw away my Morning Prayer like that?...

Codrus: where do you get in line to get those vigil lights?...

Christmas Eve at church: a really cool candlelight vigil...

Trinity: where are the mice? i can't see any mice!!!

me: i am so sorry, Trinity, this is the undue burden placed on you for being my cat, me the Doritos-eater.

Trinity: i'm going to San Marino to play soccer.

Alan Watts: i gotta get outta here.

Botic: breathe, Mr. Wattage, you're safe here. 

Alan: sorry, i know that my itchy nerves are tainting these woods. there's too much love here, you know? i gotta find my own love, my own way, i gotta get back to the world, gotta get back to restlessness. i must explore the world, sleep in the unguarded palaces, the hidden holes, the swamp lakes, the alleyways with the cats. you two have set a fine example and for that i am forever grateful. thank you and i took all the tobacco. dad, can i borrow the car?

Botic: sure, son, let me gas up the ol' bird with my love.

Alan gets behind the wheel of the Liver Birds double-decker bus on the limestone roof.

Alan: i haven't driven in a decade.

Cloris hugs Botic with one arm and waves to Alan with her other arm. the two proud parents stand together at the front log door of their cabin seeing Alan off. 

Cloris: drive safe, starshine.

Alan: how do you start this thing? how do you move this thing?

Cloris: how will you know when your search is at an end?

Alan Watts: my dear woman by the winds of the world rustling my ballsac.