THE GERMAN DOCTOR: CANNA

 

Michael German: what's the main problem?

me: incontinence.

Michael German checks underneath mom's bed in her bedroom.

Michael: simple solution.

me: yeah i've tried everything: bedpan, green liner sheet under her, a sturdy cotton thick pad sheet under.

Michael: you know in Medieval times the bedpan was wood. all you have to do is get her a waterbed.

me: what?

Michael: think about it...

me: OMFG!!!, i exclaim in the room.

i'm not sure if i should share this with Michael German, it's such a private moment, you know? i found a lucky penny nestled in the beige shag carpet of mom's bedroom!!!

dad: now THAT is a find. THAT really means something. do you know how hard that is to achieve?

Kurt Cobain at Unplugged.

Kurt Cobain: the final stirring song i played in that ballroom was Lead Belly "Where Did You Sleep Last Night." i performed it in a startlingly macabre morose manner.

Lead Belly: turns out you had a worse leadbelly than me...

Julie Patzwald is REALLY organizing this time, getting the name of the new goth band in order.

Julie Patzwald: Optimum Opium.

the rest of the band goth-smile.

Mk.gee: Alesis.........not my song, those cool sleek black pentagon-shaped electronic drums.

Mordecai from Regular Show: The Jets "Crush on You" drums!!!

Doryce: performance pad, not my Depend pampers panties. 

Eye Luggage: Surmise Sunrise, that's my contribution to the name. am i the drummer now? i have a lot of free time, i don't watch movies anymore. isn't this more electropop than goth?...

Julie Patzwald: take five, guys. hey, why isn't there Peppermint Coke for the holidays?...

Santa Claus: Spiced Coke, what the fuck were they THINKING?!!!

Chewbacca: life debt.

Han Solo: no, i mean i have a life's worth of debt, i owe the space government a trillion dollars, the space bank is gonna take my Millennium Falcon and house.

Mk.gee: what Beck wishes he still was...

Beck: every person has a phone, every artist is a bedroom artist. every artist is now lo-fi...

Suzy Lu: i'm crazier than Mariah Carey about Christmas. i put a Christmas tree in my bathroom. there's a tree in the loo!!!

Steejo: that's why i can never shower and am perennially stinky as a Scottish scouse.

Bryan Brown in Cocktail mixing drinks: the jigger is symbolic. do you see it? two sides of the coin, Days of our Lives hourglass, light and dark.

Tom Cruise: i see a way to get double-drunk...

Jillian Clare: Days of our Lies.........if i go to Wellesley it's like the election never happened...

She's Having a Baby.

at the oil-drum fire.

baby: daddy, don't burn your book because it didn't sell, Shakespeare can only be understood if your brain is frozen.

Robin Williams: if a book you write doesn't sell, you can't call it a novel. the T.S. in T.S. Garp stands for Tough Shit.

Elizabeth McGovern: i'm the asshole who married you.

Kevin Bacon: THAT should have been our wedding vows.

all suburban neighbors wear a Green Day Dookie shirt...

impetigo: sorry for going to school. sorry for visiting the school nurse, i have a crush on her. don't worry, it's just Spaghetti-Os...

David Foster Wallace: you wanna be a writer? go to New York.........it'll be okay.

Alec Baldwin: the only time the word torpid has been used in ANY film. 

Kevin Bacon: there's more to life than getting laid.

Jerry Seinfeld: there's futons.

Kevin: who knew there'd be an '80s dance club with hip underground techno music and a neon bathroom with a heart mirror here in Kansas?...

Isabel Garcia Lorca: i'm not a scary stalker, i have a Spanish accent, i'm no Glenn Close. it's destiny, i'm related to that dreamy writer Fed Lorca...

Federico Garcia Lorca: in this case 27 was a GOOD number, not an X'd-out Generation...

Kurt Cobain: the generation gap, am i right? i never wore GAP.

Kevin's ad-art boss: jumping off the Michigan Avenue Bridge is a sign that you will NEVER be satisfied.

Kevin: so i'm just supposed to never STRIVE to escape and be Robert Crumb?

Kevin's boss: suicides are never satisfied.

Anthony Bourdain: hmmm, now that i think about it...

Anthony Bourdain: is that the final meaning?

Anthony Bourdain: no it's more about reaching conclusions after you realize that you will never find what you're looking for no matter how long you search. 

Jen R: this is the exact ad agency i worked at in NYC. i wrote ads by this advertisement atelier's skinny window over here while listening to Olivia Newton-John do Vaporwave in Xanadu. wait, the Portlandia Bridge?!!!...

Jen R: the whole Binaca'ing your penis that the guy does before sex, Binaca'ing his dick with breath spray by opening up his shorts, this was ONLY done in '80s movies.

Boc: Kevin Bacon has a nice package, who knew?

Jen R: do people still wear pajamas?

Robin Hood: i missed the target but hit the tree.

Maid Marian: ...

Kevin: Italian bicycle rider? you're in the wrong movie, Breaking Away is that way...

Jen R: 50-year-old stressed dads wore pacemakers in their hearts only in the '80s...

Bear Scouts: we're Cub Scouts but we'll be Boy Scouts soon. we're not NFL scouts. we have dreams, we'll be Lion Scouts some day. we have hope, unlike the Chicago Bears, whom we share a logo with...

Caleb Williams: can i talk to Ditka? i gotta get outta here, drop me off at that Wendy's over there...

Webelos: you're gonna make it through this...

Alejandro at Safeway: know how i just carry on day after day? i live like a forest rabbit. i live in the present. ALL THERE IS IS TODAY.

Carmen de Lavallade: Lavallade literally means stage, it's the perfect name for me.

Alvin Ailey: i was in Fame (1980), right? had to have been. dance is what heals what ails us. i cried choreographing Cry.

Judith Jamison: for all the mothers. i was in Fame (1980), right? had to have been. watch my episode of The Cosby Show, it's okay. can i talk to Lisa Bonet?...

Stephen King: Cooper Flagg is the strangest, weirdest, most macabre thing i have ever seen. i could never write a creature as bizarre as Cooper Flagg. a basketball player from Maine?...

laundry bag: nobody ever washes the laundry bag...

Abbot Butt: the age-gap cutoff seems to be 24...

me: i'm worried about my mom. she's had a hacking cough for three months now. she coughs all into the night, hasn't had one moment of sleep peace. 

Michael German: dry or wet?

me: both.

Michael: probably allergies. cat dander all around her bedroom i'm assuming. i saw some cat dander in there when i visited. she doesn't like cats?

me: no it's not that. allergy medicine has no effect. she's allergic to allergy medicine.

Michael: I GOT IT!!! Vanquish. Vanquish cures all. even cough.

me: acetaminophen for cough? really? 

Michael: you can't just go around checkerboarding every time life doesn't go your way. although flipping a checkers board over in a park does feel good. Vanquish gives me super-strength.

me: me too. when did you discover it?

Michael: the '90s for proms in Salinas.

me: those were terrible times. i saw my first Vanquish bottle when i was rummaging through my mom's purse for gum in a booth at an '80s McDonald's. i win. 

me: so you wanna go to Chili's or something?

Michael: i don't like it when the chips are crispy.

 

THE GERMAN DOCTOR: MISWAK

 

i'm at the doctor's. i hate going to the doctor. but i have to. for a benefit. i run into, of all people, an old classmate i used to go to high school with in the area. oh how i hated high school. after we moved.

me: Michael German, as i live and breathe.

Michael German: Dr. Michael German. i heard it was touch-and-go for you at college, you almost didn't make it.

me: you son of a bitch, you actually became a doctor. you know now that i think back, i have a crystal clear image of you saying you wanted to be an ear-nose-throat doctor on the patio of the school that one hazy dusty-pink afternoon after school. i don't want to mention the school's name, painful memories for me.

Michael: you were waiting for your mom to pick you up, i had a car. if i remember correctly you were smart like me, i crapped my pants when you transferred over her from L.A. i ALMOST lost Valedictorian to you.

me: you got a 4.8, i got a 4.7, those fucking AP courses adding into your GPA. well, it seems you lived your dream.

Michael: being a specialist is so much easier, being a doctor gets messy. yeah i've lived a pretty normal life: wife, two kids, doctor. you?

me: mental illness. i ended up doing nothing with my intelligence. it seems if you have just ONE nervous breakdown, that's it, it's over.

me: the reason you're normal today? you went to prom.

Michael German: can you believe Palma is co-ed now?

me: trigger warning. 

Michael: remember that caravan of vans on the street we had for prom?

me: i didn't have good high-school memories like you did.

Michael: sorry. so what brings you in to see me today? sinuses flaring up? it's not your sinuses, it's Autumn, the leaves are brown.

me: i'm actually here for my mom.

Michael: hey have you ever eaten bacon that's been fried in a pot?

me: yeah, it tastes like steak.

Michael: i can't eat bacon, i'm a doctor. i don't get it, why does your life suck now?

me: easy for you to say, you're a doctor!!!

Michael: i mean we both went through covid...

the Golden Ratio: i'm not an Uzumaki spiral...

Over the Garden Wall: we are all lost forever, woods or no woods. nobody's journey ever ends. friends: the only thing that matters. and that circle ceremony from the Pink Floyd "High Hopes" music video...

Subway: what, it's not imitation crab, it's surimi...

me: now is when i put on my blue beanie over my head, put on my black fuzzy coat by kissing the left Mr. Kotter collar flap then the right Mr. Serling collar flap...

Jen R: don't forget the Julie Kotter collar flap...

me: ...then zipping it up and going under my BIG-ASS white down-comforter Linus blanket.

Jen R: feathers?

Michael German: it's not that it's winter, it's that it's the time you finally shave your head after 5-months' hair growth...

curator: when you're an Instagram curator, you need to choose QUICKLY...

Uzumaki: it's just Cumberland sausage.........redcurrants only grow in Japan...

Super Mario: your trash was taken. your trash was picked up. you're gonna have a good week.

Super Luigi: the whole tenor of your week changed when your trash was taken...

TV: when you watch others do the work...

Princess Diana: remember that time i dressed like Maleficent with a cross necklace to a non-costume party?...

Doryce: which witch has the winch?

Gladyce: i'm on a date with Mark Hapka at Medieval Times...

Miami Vice "Like a Hurricane".

Teller: this is the first time you've ever heard me speak. but this isn't my real voice, i'm acting, this is the character's voice...

Com Truise: that hurt me, getting exploded just for listening to a cassette in your car...

at the Pepin Pumpkin Patch.

Claudine Pepin: Papa, i'm worried about you. what man needs all these pumpkins?

Jacques Pepin: a French man, you ungrateful whelp of a child. i feel like King Lear up in this pumpkin patch bitch.

Claudine: calm down, Papa, and tell me about the spell Billy Corgan has over you.

Jacques: some of the Smashing Pumpkins songs are amazing, some are duds.

Claudine turning on her Walkman: do it French-style, Papa. 

Jacques starts sweating as he dances to 2 in a Room "Wiggle It".

Jacques, doing the Stanky Leg: like that motherfucking Sesame Street earthworm. this is PBS after all.

Jacques, singing in his heavy French accent: wiggle it, just a little bit...

Gloria Pepin, watching everything and crying softly under a fennel tree: Parrain would be so proud of our family.

PBS: your guide through all the poisonous mushrooms you will encounter in the Jacques Pepin Woods...

Jen R: are we still celebrating the rest of the holidays this year after what happened?

Jon Stewart: come to me for your post-election-blues solace.

me: and reassurance.

Jen R: and snark.

Johnny Carson: Jon Stewart is still around?...

at Safeway.

Alejandro: you're looking very handsome today.

me, blushing: is it my beard or the shirt? you're the only person i hug in my life.

Alejandro: you should hug your family...

John Mulaney: how did an entire generation of Filipina women spring forth from one random tweet?...

dad: lucky penny in the sky.

Marina del Rey, California: where Lana Del Rey is from...

Tony Todd: please tell me i played Tricky in the biopic...

Robert Crumb: i invented the word "barfie", didn't i? 

MAD Magazine: ...

Lili Estefan: i got Sailor Moon legs...

Leslie Sbrocco: passport to delicious. no hawks.

Louis XV at the Palace of Versailles: phimosis? nah, i consummated our marriage on our wedding night six more times than necessary just to make sure.

Marie: not to make love...

Philippa Langley: ...

riddler: wine rack, nothing to do with Batman. my heroes growing up were Laverne & Shirley...

She's Having a Baby.

Father Navin: i mean why do they do that thing in the wedding ceremony where i'm REQUIRED to ask the congregation if there's any reason why these two should not be married? why ruin a beautiful moment with uncertainty? why doom a man's belief in himself?

John Hughes: TENSION. manufactured tension.

Kevin Bacon: i gotta get out of here.

me: right? loading-dockmen are colorful characters for your novel.

Elizabeth McGovern: at least get your master's degree in '70s McDonald's ashtrays.

Jen R: you can still live your dream and work for PBS...

Raygun: be a dancer.

Bill Burr: a slightly older Billy Corgan...

Laertus: but why are people so stupid now?

George Carlin: people have always been this stupid.

Shamu: just call me an orca, killer whale is too much.

Gladyce listening to Mk.gee "Breakthespell" up in a tree of the Treehouse on her headphones, closing her eyes: the dream police will get us...

Uzumaki Episode 4 rowhouses: shelf-stadium-seating scene from the Enigma "Gravity of Love" music video...

Suzy Lu: i can't see out of my left eye. but i meditate like Teen Goku out of my right eye.

Steejo: i listen to TLC. because Suzy the lass can't offer me TLC, she's too busy playing video games at home...

dad: if you're left-handed like me you already have a built-in third eye.

Michael German leads me into a smaller room than his other room in his doctor's office.

me: HAPKA!!!

Michael German: what the fuck man, you gave me a heart attack.

me: you're in the right place for one. today is 11/11.

Michael: the date is 11/11. wow, that is mindblowing between us, something spiritual between us, we used to be enemies.  

me: more like distant rivals.

Michael: i need to light up a cigarette inside this tiny room, do you mind? i need a smoke after that.

me: can you help me with my mom? it's stressful being her only caregiver for years.

Michael: she'll be okay. she's not sick, she's just old. don't worry, elderly people are fine. elderly people are fun.

me: she's easy. she's a sweetheart. all you have to do is clip her toenails and put DOUBLE SOCKS on her feet.

Michael: i'll be around your place later this afternoon. 

me: you remember my address?

Michael: i never learned it.

Michael: follow me out.

the two of us exit to the winding path of walnut through the circle "garden" of the parking lot. Michael German TRIPS OVER a small sign near the flowers soil which reads WATCH YOUR STEP and falls into the pansies.

me: you really oughta quit smoking.

Michael: says you, stress man.

at the house Michael German hooks up the water humidifier in mom's room. he puts his ear up to the humidifier's blobject surface.

Michael German: you hear that? the bubbles bubbled up when i entered the room.

me: i know, like an '80s Arrowhead gallon clear bottle of delivered water.

Michael: the bubbles were saying hi to me.

i have an exhausted look on my face.

Michael: don't worry, i'm a real doctor. i used to joke around all the time in class, remember?

me: we weren't friends, we were competitors. the class clown is never the valedictorian...

Michael German: but the class clown is always the smartest one in the class...

  

MAILLARD IS A MYSTERY: THE DINOSAURS DID IT

 

Martin Yan and Leslie Sbrocco are aboard the Mark Twain Steamboat traveling down the REAL Amazon River.

Martin Yan: this sure beats the Jungle Cruise, toots.

Leslie Broccoli: i only go to Disneyland for the food. at least call me baby, but you're no Mike Myers. i must say, i FINALLY am able to say i went to a place BELOW the Equator. the South, you know? this is not what i was expecting, it's not like the Jungle Cruise, it's not fun and gay, it's a dangerous expedition, a trek filled with coiled river snakes and a shirtless hairy-chest Humphrey Bogart who turns you down.  

Martin: i mean let it be at least like Over the Garden Wall, you know? a rave inside the steamboat at night. a rave doesn't have yellow lights, only purple lights...

the ship hits a snag when its stern gets caught on a raft of crowding vines thick with green and purple veins.

Martin: the dense Brazilian understory. but when will my overstory end?...

Leslie: looks like this is our stop. our unplanned stop. our jungle stop.

Martin: like an unplanned pregnancy, we're about to learn the origin of browning...

President Biden: remember covid?...

Santa Claus: hey it's not MY fault Christmas is ruined, blame Dan Casagrande, he's the Grinch.

Dan Casagrande: i actually look more like the Snow Miser...

Nina Gordon, laughing: nose blind?

Louise Post: yeah, i can't smell your stinky songs.

Nina: don't use a sugar bowl, use a bowl of vinegar...

Ball State: our mascot is the Blink angel...

political discourse on PBS: hey, this is PBS, no need to shout, just talk normally. even the Republican can talk with his normal speaking voice...

Shel Silverstein: do you think that you fall from the tangerine tree?...

Tony Soprano: yous don't really think too hard on these sorts of things, but the esteemed Princeton University is in New Jersey...

Candlebox "Far Behind": you start thinking about My So-Called Life...

Ms. Krause: compound words will be the death of you...

Jen R: when you take your two Vanquish, writing your short story for the day GLIDES from your fingers, FLOWS off your fingers, the words GLISTEN on the page.

me: right? the keyboard is no pain.

Paul Rudd: i'm a professional tennis player from Norway. maybe if i hand out water to The Rock to be our next President...

Gavin Newsom: hey Cloobeck, get a clue. you don't fool Californians, you're one of those greasy Miami Vice wannabes. i'm the one running for President next!!! i can't have you making our lives even MORE unbearably red. when i become President, i'm bringing back Clu Clu Land!!! it'll be the '80s again in California, all warm and fuzzy and snugly. 

After Hours.

Martin Scorsese: i like Cheech & Chong, so sue me. i saw them at a comedy club in Tijuana, i was the only one there not smoking the stuff. i really wanted to just hone in on Cheech Marin's inflection in his voice when he tells his jokes.

Cheech: my jokes are smarter than they appear...

diner Mel: wait a minute, you aren't coming back, are you. nobody orders a rare burger.

Checkpoint Charlie at the punk bar: all club bouncers are musclemen with a degree in Czech Existentialist Literature, like Henry Rollins...

me: college degrees are Kafkaesque...

Griffin Dunne: come on, let me in the club, i'm handsome and i have Jewel teeth. come on, let me in Club Berlin, i have the German sense of hopelessness.

me: I DON'T WANT ENTERTAINMENT!!!

Gregg Turkington: ...

Gregg Turkington: i'm not seedy, the clubs are.

me: Griffin Dunne is me when i get angry, i get that raspy wheezy Gremlins voice.

Jen R: when you get angry, it's not so much a spasm of anger as you get spastic...

The Warriors in a Mr. Softee truck...

A Clockwork Orange music...

Jen R: a conceptual-art party only happens in a SoHo loft...

Rockets Redglare: watch Sid and Nancy, it clears me...

Bad Brains: "Pay to Cum" is not a song about semen, it has a more elevated meaning.

Toto: the original name of our band was Surrender Dorothy but we didn't want to do just cum songs.

Save Ferris: ...

Peggy Lee: "Is That All There Is" is a GOTH song, not a country song.

Bjork: not even i can be THIS goth. 

Thomas Mann: i was the first Goth Existentialist...

Julie Patzwald: it's a song about a French housefire...

Ana de Armas: ...

Griffin Dunne: i just want to live.

Martin Scorsese: every film is Existential...

Ingmar Bergman wearing a Marvel hat: ...

Martin Scorsese with a twinkle in his eye: a stereo's a stereo, but art lasts forever.........wink wink, get it? the forever art i'm referring to here is THIS film of mine.

Michael Weiss on Instagram: anytime. i'm always here for you on DM if you want to talk.........or think.........or fuck.

Alan Watts: to escape your circumstances, fly into yourself.

Trinity the cat: i really don't like being moved. in winter i want to nestle next to your legs on the bed blanket at night and stay there. or i vom in protest.

me: vom?

Trinity: vomit. i'm trying to hibernate here!!!

Alan Watts: make your decision in a couple of weeks.

Michelangelo: art is forever. so is back pain. there was no Vanquish in Renaissance Italy. not even a Doan's.

Rockets Redglare: Nancy Spungen? honest, i have no idea. i'm a colorful storyteller. i soaked up Nancy Spungen's stories like a sponge. i was a taxi driver in Desperately Seeking Susan so i'm in the clear with Marty Scorsese, right? Marty will protect me...

Roger Federer: hit your forehand so it distracts the wind.

David Foster Wallace: yeah.

Martin Yan: yeah.

Marvin Mattelson: i won't take credit for Bede's predicament, but i DID do the Chant album cover of monks in the clouds which sold a billion units.

Piano from Dragon Ball descends on the duo in the party boat. he's a tranquil pterodactyl with a calm easygoing demeanor despite his working for King Piccolo. he wears a cool magic robe.

Piano: SIT UP AT ATTENTION!!! my master King Piccolo will be here shortly to show you why browning on food tastes so good. it was all because of that meteor that struck the Earth lo those many years ago in Mexico and obliterated the dinosaurs. except me and my master. that meteor caused the Maillard Reaction on Earth.

Martin Yan: makes sense.

Hello Meteor: wasn't me.

Billy Corgan: nothing to do with the taste of mayonnaise.

Piano lifts his long slender piano-playing finger and Leslie Sbrocco and Martin Yan slowly RISE up into the sky to where King Piccolo is in the sky. with an evil grimace King Piccolo stares at the hot blonde then shoots a devastating meteor from his green finger that burns the Amazon Rainforest in a fireball of blaze.

Smokey Bear: don't worry, this actually helps the Amazon Rainforest regrow stronger than before.

King Piccolo: *evil laugh* i did that to the dinosaurs!!!

Leslie Sbrocco: no you didn't, you weren't born yet, you were born in the '80s...  

Piano: she's right, sire, i have your Jane Fonda poster to prove it.

Goku Jr.: why do you destroy your own kind?.........nevermind...

Leslie, softly: you're not attractive to me, Piccolo. i'm all about the soil. it's about not the terror but the terroir.

later that night the massive crater in the forest floor creates enough ember heat to form a food campfire around which three are stationed.

Leslie: one thing i don't get, how do you cook the sides of a Hillshire Farm Lit'l Smokie? it's very easy to achieve umami in food, it's rather difficult to achieve the flavor of SMOKE.

Martin: those tiny-ass sausages? 

Leslie: Martin, look at my face and remember, it's your mother's birthday today. soon i will be a mother because of this cruise with you...

Martin: shhh, lady.

Leslie, sternfaced: what do i have to do to get a reaction out of you?

Martin: Piano here is about to explain to us two lowly humans how to brown the sides of a Lit'l Smokies.

Leslie: i understand now: browning makes love better.

Piano uses his beak to turn the Lit'l Smokies in the Dutch Oven over the campfire...

MAILLARD IS A MYSTERY: MARTIN YAN REACTS

 

Martin Yan: you smell that?

Leslie Sbrocco: did you fart? it smells like cheese.

Martin: the smell of bacon, you can smell the smell of bacon even on a bitterly cold morning like this. the bacon smell wafts atop the icy wind.

Leslie: now i want a bacon popsicle.

Martin: the smell of bacon gives hope on a dreary morning. but what are the chemical reactions that go into the Maillard Reaction? what is the mathematical physics equation formula that explains browning?

Leslie: nobody comes here for that nerd shit. this isn't science week, this isn't America's Test Kitchen, people come to PBS to EAT.

Ms. Krause: not using everybody for anything anymore...

Jenny Baranick: speaking of grammar, remember the good ol' days when our only problem was Sarah Palin?...

Joyce Kilmer: i mean i GOTTA be the only man who has ever had the first name Joyce.

Bede: Trappist cheese...

Joyce DeWitt: hey Kilmer, you're cute when you hug that tree.

Willow Ufgood: i just saw Madmartigan fly in a black-magic silver bird!!!

the America's Test Kitchen 25th Anniversary Behind-the-Scenes Special: five minutes after you watch this, this one-hour show, you start to feel bad about yourself...

at America's Test Kitchen.

Julia Collin Davison: fisherman's pie.

Joe Gitter: aw mate, come on, don't call me a unitool. this was the fish pie i needed to eat when i got home from school after a long day of being bullied. British bullies are the worst. it's a miracle i didn't turn into Cook from Skins. 

Julia chomping down on her bite: the cod is much better than McDonald's.

Joe Gitter: don't bite down on your fish sandwich, luv. the key to a true British fish pie: no potatoes, potatoes are Irish.

Nigella Lawson: where's MY cooking show on PBS? too risque? let's face it, you're losing interest in cooking shows...

Jen R: can i be in a PBS family?

me: i know, me too.

Jen R: the husband resting his head on the wife's shoulder. and the kid. a nuclear peacenik PBS family.

me: the three of us just watching PBS all day.

Jen R: after school/work...

Mark Hapka: there is nothing more meditative, more relaxing, in all of time, than traveling by horse-drawn wooden cart on the green grass of rolling hills in Medieval times...

Storybook International "The Spoiled Son".

Talia: shearing shards on a sheep, it's not like cutting a cat's nails...

After Hours.

Jen R: I'm glad you called, that was such an '80a thing to say over the phone.

Martin Scorsese: the taxi isn't driving fast at midnight, Griffin Dunne's just tripping.

Griffin Dunne: and you know a thing or two about taxis...

Linda Fiorentino: see? women can be sneaky, too. shirtless isn't just for the men. i'm not above using the ol' dirty-shirt laundry trick to see the man's chest muscles.

Jen R: see? backrub, that's my opening move to get a date.

Griffin Dunne: the nurse, the blindfold that made me do my toe surgery again, this all got me into BDSM.

Rosanna Arquette: Marcy Franklin? isn't that a Peanuts character? 

me: going to a coffee shop at 2AM in the morning, oh how i miss Berkeley.

Griffin Dunne: oh, now i get it, i'm supposed to be YOU in this film.

Martin Scorsese: bingo.

Griffin jumps the subway turnstiles.

Griffin Dunne: sorry, i thought i was at Berkeley. in Berkeley this is known as parkouring.

Teri Garr: can i offer you some.........COFFEE?!!! why am i always the waitress?...

Griffin: like my Nosferatu khaki culottes pants?

Martin Scorsese: swordfish, get it? the bathroom graffiti. a man's cock gobbled up by a shark. now THAT is hilarious in Italy, in the Old Country.

Lucio Rossi: very Don's Plum.

Keith Richards: very Rolling Stones Beggars Banquet.

Griffin: Griffin graffiti.

steampunk cash-register Beach Boys man: here's my precious keys on my One Piece keychain...

Confucius: remember dark-blue toilet water?...

Julie Patzwald: the Dead Person arrow signs are hilarious.

Fonzie: using my amber Jurassic Park comb as a doorstop.

me: you still haven't sketched my face yet.

Jen R: ...

Leslie Sbrocco: doctors worried over women fasting all the time, but every man and woman fasts, every single night, from dinner until breakfast...

Jane Fonda: that's what i've been trying to say since the '80s...

Jane Fonda: it's good for your body to go to bed a little hungry, right?

Leslie Sbrocco: NO!!! NEVER!!! sleep hungry? hell no, look at me, look at my round butt, that's a bread butt. we can't all be leg-warmer high-kick aerobics queens with the fuzzy headband around the knob of your boombox on the Q*bert dancefloor at 9AM in the morning. sleep hungry, not even for insomniacs...

ABC: Anyone But the Chiefs.

Dan Campbell: we go for two. two sliders. the entire Detroit Lions team ONLY eats at Applebee's.

Boc: not all gays are atheists. but it helps. 

Bertie: Bert & Ernie.

Bernie Sanders: ...

Titus Groan: this is Peake Existentialism.........*groan*, i know, but actually i molded Sisyphus's boulder from my weirdly-shaped head. Nosferatu thinks i'm ugly.

Nosferatu: no i don't. but you are two-faced...

Julie Patzwald: Titus Groan was my bedtime book, my Goodnight Moon.

Mervyn Peake: i spell Marvin the cool way. the mall department store way!!! i look like Abe Lincoln, not Thomas Merton, when i read a book in a tree...

botheration: Winnie the Pooh's disease.

Alex Neff: life with my cap and my dog and the restaurant is good, but it would be enhanced if i had [more][click for more] a life partner...

Fuerza: misogyny rears its ugly head again. it hurts, and i'm God, who's a woman!!!

Leslie Sbrocco: Martin, who are these two females in your dressing room?

Martin Yan: they're mine, okay? lay off them. that one is called Honeysuckle. the other one is called Five-Fingered Star Anise.

Leslie: what will your wife say about these girls?

Martin: my wife dated Robert Crumb when he lived in Chinatown. she could never find him, he was always gone, Robert Crumb was always hiding in mailboxes to escape from her.

Leslie: i won't blab. hey i got my side pieces, too. Boyd and Cramer Calvados.

Martin: the one thing i don't understand is after i pat-dry my sausage with my jeans napkin, why are the two links still greasy?

Leslie: the two sausage links have collected the oil from your fried egg. you really oughta be more careful with that stuff.

Martin: thanks, babe, you're right, i shall heed your advice, from now on i ain't oiling my wok in an Uzumaki spiral with my teakettle anymore.

Leslie: but that's your signature move!!!