IRONWORKERS: EERIE, PENNSYLVANIA

 

Gemini, Siren, and Mr. T walk gingerly around the abandoned mining town of Erie, Pennsylvania. not a soul remains in the city outskirts or inskirts. 

Siren smiling her big smile: this place is creepy as fuck. you wanted to date me here?

Gemini: this was the only time i had away from my wife. and this place IS where we're scheduled as Gladiators to perform.

Siren: where are your kids?

Mr. T: i'm babysitting them. this is the perfect place to go on Halloween, all i see are ghosts of a once-thriving lower-class community.

Gemini: i bet all the villagers are packed into that gym over there. to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the very first American Gladiators competition, which was really just an arm-wrestling display by Dann Carr. and the Assault game with the tennis ball on a string attached to the ceiling.

sure enough they were.

Dann Carr is about to get into a MESSY ONE-SIDED FIGHT with Johnny C. Ferraro. the suits can't keep Johnny's suit from getting wrinkled. Dann is blazoned in his gold-sequin wrestling unitard with bells on the belt looking very throwback WWF. Dann's biceps are so huge they touch the gym ceiling.

Gemini: dudes, not even I can keep this beatdown from getting ugly. this won't be a Tech knockout, this will be REAL. you two have got to COMMUNICATE. we don't want Johnny to end up a small bloody puddle with good hair in the corner.

Johnny: it's not JoJo anime hair, it's Vegas Wayne Newton hair...

Dann Carr: THIS BITCH STOLE MY IDEA FOR AMERICAN GLADIATORS!!!

Johnny: i know i did!!!.........it took me 40 years to finally admit this but of COURSE i stole your idea!!! but don't you see how the operation worked? i was the slick glitz and glamour and Hollywood connections, you were the dumb muscle. you see why we never talked for 40 years? you aren't exactly the EASIEST person to apologize to. he's gonna put an Indian curse on me!!! you don't want to get a man THIS mammoth angry...

Mr. T: come on, you guys kiss and make up, it's been TOO long, we don't live forever. 

Siren: regret is worse than death. holding a grudge is not manly.

Johnny's perfect hair is mussed up as he's on his knees.

Johnny: i beg of you, don't turn me into pulp with your middle finger.

Dann: fine, i won't poke an eye out.

Johnny gets up and extends his business-suit cufflinked copper-buttoned hand. Dan slowly extends his arm which is the size of the Santa Monica Freeway.

at the last second Dann grabs Johnny's hand, balls his fingers into a fist, swings Johnny on his back, gives him an Indian burn, rubs his back, and beats Johnny in arm wrestling.

the room laughs.

Gemini: hehe, okay Johnny deserved that, right folks? you two friends again?

Dann: only if Johnny gives me my FAIR SHARE of the Gladiators stock. half. PAY ME. i don't give a FUCK if i signed the contract or the wrong contract or the trick contract or no contract at all.

Johnny: fine. what's that come to?

Dann: 500 trillion dollars...

Gemini: i know all about these working-class towns, all these small towns are havens for white trash. i feel your pain. i relate to you. i'm your mirror-opposite. but when we come together we can heal from this life.

Chris Matthews: he's right, listen to this man Gemini. you know the first American Gladiators mini-game should have been climbing the rope in gym class but the rope is greased with one whole can of my father's shaving cream.

Ear Horn: Halloween of course is a sacred holiday for us goths. we never eat the candy, the candy is holy to us, we BLESS the candy. 

Eye Luggage: mother would you explain the ceremony to our non-goth non-pale friends?

Ear: certainly. it's through my butthole. the Tootsie Rolls are especially painful.........at first but then they become pleasurable...

Richard Moll: wait a minute, isn't the new season of Night Court supposed to start this week?...

at Pic-N-Save.

Gemini: i ate a big bowl of spaghetti with Angus chili, no beans. I FARTED LIKE A FATHERFUCKER, I FARTED UP A STORM at church. but why, ma'am? i ate no beans, only meat.

Ear Horn: you see, dearie, this is what happens when you don't eat your vegetables...

Mardith: i had to go to the Neon Church to pick up the only copy of The Woman's Bible left on Earth.

Jean Harlow: tits never go out of style...

Fuerza: wait the only thing this country can do about gun violence is lower their flags half-mast?...

Sasha Grey: this will be the first Halloween where i will JOYFULLY not celebrate. i am making sure the porch light is OFF and the jack-o'-lanterns are carved INSIDE and keeping the bowl of semi-sweet candy TO MYSELF on Oct. 31.

Julie Patzwald: wait i gotta make a call.

Eye Luggage: you're calling my mom not with a phone but with telepathy?

Julie: hi Ear Horn, playing that Disney Lorcana card game is not TECHNICALLY black magic, right?...

Ear Horn: no, dearie, but it'll get you addicted like crack cocaine...

Brrrski: it's not cold until it's BRRRSKI.

at the only sports bar in town packed like sardines cos the ENTIRE town is inside it. a sports bar that is spooky all year round.

Siren: why you sweating? your brow is a waterfall.

Gemini: it's just.........if something doesn't happen in the baseball game we're watching.........this date is gonna be a disaster. wait i gotta make a call.

Gemini: why in every bar there's a very narrow corridor under a red light with the one quarter-payphone graffiti'd like a motherfucker? is this the only way to make a saloon call? hello?

Ear: yes dearie? what are you doing? you're huffing and puffing. how's the date going? i love that i'm your wingman.

Gemini: we're watching the World Series on the tiny TV at the bar above the keep. if a player doesn't steal second base i won't GET to Second Base. cos i'm broke and we can't eat.

Ear: calm down, big man, she doesn't like you for your money, she likes you for your muscles. and your dimples. remember what i said the previous times. 

Gemini returns in time to watch Kyle Schwarber of the Phillies steal second. the crowd erupts, starts in on Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline," and Gemini's heart sings.

Siren: well whaddya know. you know i despised that Kyle Schwarber guy, he's too meathead frat-guy for my taste. Kyle Schwarber ruined shawarma for the rest of us.

Chris Matthews: your statement is in the process of making me cry...

Siren: but i guess he came through.

Dann Carr: this forever alters my perception of Taco Bell. up until now Taco Bell brought back Vietnam flashbacks of seeing my daughter working the drive-thru window at the Vegas Taco Bell which painfully reminded me i wasn't a good-enough provider father. and then me wanting to go to the Las Vegas Hilton to confront Johnny Ferraro and punch his lights out to death in the lobby...  

pregnant sea lion in Cannery Row: have you heard of sweater otters? cos those are my tits now...

Ear Horn: my Cornish Rex Julius is a very smart cat...

Julius: i speak nine languages, all the variances of the Queen Mum's English EXCEPT the one in Cornwall. i've translated Shakespeare into Sagwa's Siam Chinese, the only cat to do so.

Sagwa the Chinese Siamese cat: i especially enjoyed your Medieval Welsh transliteration, that's how i learned English. that and Friends...

Fuerza: Mick, Keith, you're 80 years old apiece and spry as spring chickens!!! how do you guys do it?!!!

Mick Jagger: clean living.

Keith Richards: i think you mean hard living.

Fuerza: i know your secret but i ain't telling. it's not your diet, it's your spirit...

Waszp: Australian WASPs can't sail it. Zealand WASPs okay.

Jacinda Ardern: ...

Bullhead City: where BulbHead products are manufactured.........again after the inflation and blocked shipping waterlanes...

Boc: you know it's the cold, you know it's the icy hale wind, when two birds are dancing drunk on the stone steps and slide off the stone stairs cos they can't fly no more. and a baker gets up REAL early to tag the STOP sign by the bakery with something clever under the word STOP to start a movement revolution.

humbucker: you'll get a hummer, you'll get your dick sucked, if you play the electric guitar. just ask David Foster Wallace.

David Foster Wallace: this is true. or write or play tennis.

Trinity: this ain't kitty litter, this is Quaker Oats...

Siren: Gemini, i had to move away from home at age 9 cos my parents didn't understand me. my mom hit me and my dad drank me under the table. a broken home can never be overcome. it lingers in you forever. i've had a hard life to reach here and be here today.

Gemini: okay but FREE TACOS!!! we got free tacos, boo. free tacos from Taco Bell. 

Siren: i mean it's just the ONE free taco. i'm a BIG GIRL, i gotta FUCKING EAT, you know?!!!

Gemini: and don't worry, these tacos will give us our VEGETABLES. the lettuce and the tomatoes and the sour cream which is a kind of vegetable paste.

Mr. T: i ate ALL the Halloween candy on our neighborhood block. sorry. 

 

SNOWBALL!!! MY BELOVED CAT!!! I HAVE NEVER FORGOTTEN YOU!!! I'LL NEVER ABANDON YOU!!! I LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!

 

notes:

* ...he exclaimed crying whilst being shaken out of a night terror shaking and sweating, Snowball my past cat crying cos i had lost my way, i lost the directions to the Rainbow Bridge. don't worry, Snowball!!! my Heaven GPS was on the fritz but it works now, Comcast FINALLY came, i'll be with you in a jiffy!!! like that soccer team, you'll never be alone again, Snowball!!! YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE!!!

* Paul Varjak: have you seen the morning paper this morning? 

Holly Golightly: no, this afternoon. there's an ad for a trip to Rome that costs 10 cents, which is a negative lira. if only this brownstone had a garage for my Vespa scooter...

Holly: are you feeding our daughter Gage Golightly good foods?...

Paul: i'm gauging it by spitballing it, the speedometer on my carjacked car...

Gage Golightly: i'm an unusual woman, i have a tattoo that's a quote about MEN...

Samuel L. Jackson: he who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. no, i didn't say that, that was Samuel L. JOHNSON, but doesn't that sound like something i WOULD say?...

Jekyll and Hyde: we hide like jackals...

* Paul Varjak: can i see your nipple?

Holly Golightly: what?

Paul: uh i mean can we go to NYPL, the New York Public Library? to see if my book i wrote is still there?...

Jen R the NYPL librarian: i'm the nipple librarian. not here, your book was never here.

* Peter Schrager: what i would have looked like if dad had stayed at Princeton...

Mark Christensen: ...

* Boc: if an Autumn leaf falls in front of your face, that's a good sign from your dad. the satellite dish on top of the wings place looks like a rusty Death Star. friends are a miracle...

* Jim Henson: Breakfast at Tiffany's/Fraggle Rock crossover. right? are you seeing this, too? it's perfect...

* Cacoethes: part of this complete breakfast...

* Holly Golightly: i am also not a sket!!!

* Eye Luggage: let's go to Bar Sinister.

Julie Patzwald: not until they admit DC is better than Marvel...

* Boc: big beefy boys. shave and a haircut, two bits...

* Roger Federer: omg did you see that? the ballgirls carry cute little tiny woven baskets to catch the tennis balls in, not racquets!!! that is ADORABLE. that is SO VIENNA.

* Bruce Lee: i found a giant trunk of bamboo strewn on the street on my walk this morning.

Arthur Ashe: hey be sure to get the SHRINK-WRAP version of my learn-tennis record, it's ULTRA-RARE.

* full bleed: ad men celebrating Halloween...

* Bald Knob, Arkansas: yep.

* Lucio Rossi: roll-call my ASS, you goomba piece of shit.

* Wayne Brady: i'm pansexual.........i like bread.

Ryan Stiles: ...

Colin Mochrie: you're mocking us.

Wayne Brady: no i'm Moch-ing you.

Drew Carey: 100 points.

* Ian Somerhalder: you have to be stronger than your excuses. even if it's just going for a walk in the morning. just start.

Boc: THANK YOU, Ian Somerhalder. FINALLY someone gets it. now i'm not gonna start jogging or anything but...

Ian Somerhalder: little pieces of pickle and shit.

Brother's Bond Bourbon: for an alpha-male sort of drink, the plant on our label is awfully vagina-y...

* Trinity: guess my favorite part of The Midnight's "Sunset" music video?

Orangey: the tits.

Trinity: it's certainly not that Target aisle with the stacked cat carryalls...

* Butterfinger: if a glowing blue pirate poltergeist steals your Butterfinger, call your BFF...

* Macy's: our perfume not smelling on you? only the front of your wrist smells...

* Sean Hayes: can i do the shake and steal at Steak 'n Shake?

Jason Bateman: no, this is your fifth night. this place is quite weird. it's a Chuck E. Cheese deal with the long covered orange slides that are always closed and a ball pit the size of a parking lot. but where are all the animatronic mice?...

* Pete Davidson: doesn't it seem like i'm STILL in the cast of SNL somehow?

Melissa Mahoney: keep your weird face still, Pete, i've almost got your teeth whitened...

Pete: it's like a convenient store on top of a mountain, but on second thought that would be better cos enlightenment is better for you than groceries. like MC Hammer without pants...

Kate McKinnon: ...

* Ozzy Osbourne: yeah the Dollarita isn't a margarita that costs a dollar. it's lime juice, we Brits need lime juice. i drank all the strawberry margaritas in the entire world, sorry.

* Christian McCaffrey: i know the PAIN of moving away, kid, leaving all your friends behind, landing in a brand new city full of Wrong Way signs, it's SCARY AS FUCK. the unknown is a motherfucker.

bully: Christian McCaffrey SUCKS.

boy: i mean this whole commercial makes no sense, Christian McCaffrey is the best running back in football.........this all makes no sense.

Christian McCaffrey: is that a pencil drawing of me in a large diaper being carried off by a stork?...

* Walmart: you got that green sweater that made you feel like the Grinch!!! it didn't make you feel better. hey, eat a giant cookie not a stick of butter, trust us. what's in the box? batteries, just the batteries. that man by you door at night is NOT Santa. 

Lucio Rossi: it's that gift exchange that always happened at IHOP, remember? 

me: my mom would buy you a brand new Nintendo game for your birthday and that AUTOMATICALLY meant i got the SAME Nintendo game for me.

mom: so there wouldn't be any fighting and jealousy.

* Mama Fratelli: that's not gonna fit, you need four more inches.

man: that's what my ex-wife told me as she served the divorce papers at my Catholic church.

Mama Fratelli: nana, that BIG-ASS turkey's not gonna fit in the oven.

Ear Horn: i heard you, dearie, but i have goth crone magic. my oven's bigger on the inside... 

Eye Luggage: wait is that the oven or the dishwasher?

Mama Fratelli: that's a shame, it was such an UGLY Christmas sweater that didn't fit. well played, well played, but my boat had a motor for motorboating on top and it STILL fit under the garage...

* AI: Best Take? i don't like this at all. my hot take on Best Take: just take the picture and LEAVE IT, the first one is the best one, don't change your face cos it came out ugly and blurry and with braces cutting your lip, THIS is what your face looks like, sorry, accept it. you can only propose marriage ONCE.

CLICK HERE FOR A HEALING, 2 MONTHS THAT FEEL LIKE 2 YEARS 

 

happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: Mr. Bean: my favorite fast food? picnic sandwiches...

BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S: THE MEAN REDS

 

Bruce Lee carries Lindy Lenz gingerly across his back.

Bruce Lee: don't worry, babe, i've got you. i will ALWAYS have you.

Lindy Lenz: i'm scared, babe, this is my first time out since my epilepsy diagnosis. i'm already showing. i'm a full-blown invalid at 1 week!!!

Bruce: you are no such thing!!! you are beautiful and my bride!!! don't worry about being outside, no people will see you, we're thousands of miles in the air on top of this snow-peaked mountain. ah, SMELL that thin air!!!

Lindy: is this where you do your lower-back squats?

Bruce: yes. and with your extra weight on me i'm sure to tone that problem-area of mine in time for my next lower-back tattoo.

Lindy: i'm not THAT fat, skinnier now that i'm sick. please make the tat a rainbow or something. 

Bruce: i was partial to the cat with the Chinese calligraphy but whatever.

Jen R and i are antiquing in SoHo rummaging through milk crates with the stench of pizza nearby.

me: this is the PERFECT DAY.

Jen R: like the Lou Reed song.

me: it truly is. i can't think of anything i'd rather be doing all day with you.

Jen: oh yeah you can. and it involves fuzz. not my vagina, a tennis ball. a fuzzy tennis ball.

me: let's COMBINE THEM!!!

Jen R: excuse me, do you have Arthur Ashe's record?

Roger Federer behind the milk-crate booth: Arthur Ashe's lifetime record was 501-323 or some shit.

Jen: no, record as in LP, longplay record, look at me, i'm exactly a vinyl Brooklyn hipster.

Arthur Ashe blows the dust not ash off the only physical copy of his record Learn Tennis with Arthur Ashe for Beginners and Advanced Players and takes it out of the milk crate.

Arthur Ashe: wow, the letters painted at the bottom of the box say OUT OF STOCK. i must be popular!!!

Roger Federer: or you're just VERY OLD.

Jen: would you please sign this record, Mr. Ashe? your're my tennis hero. and my only hero. here, use my mechanical pencil here with the cute kawaii tiny tennis ball for an eraser nub on top...

Arthur Ashe starts dancing inside Rasputin Records like that girl in the New Order "Temptation" music video. 

Ear Hon behind the counter at Pic-N-Save: cucurbita cures.

Tinder: know anybody looking for love? ARE your that anybody? aren't we ALL that person AT ALL TIMES?...

low-grade cough: F-grade. as in Grade F.   

Melissa Maker: i love how everyone at Bagel Bakery is wearing a grey FREE PALESTINE sweatshirt, now THAT's human support and love.

sensational seagulls and humongous hummingbirds: we squawk and buzz and glide for peace.

Boc: i saw it. plain as day. it was a miracle. a miracle by God. one dandelion growing out of concrete...

PBS: we can't say "butt-dial," we have to say "pocket-dial..."

Ear Horn at Pic-N-Save: don't worry, dearie, Liquid Death is just water.

Eye Luggage: that was so lame, i would sneak and smuggle these cans from you when i was a young goth rebel kid. do i STILL HAVE TO stack these cans on the shelf, Mom?!!!...

Boc: all i got, all i'm hanging onto, is the hope of lucky pennies strewn on the street...

Dr. Vacc: sometimes you just gotta fix your teeth, kid...

Abe Vigoda: you gotta fight for your health.

Ryan Reynolds: there is NOTHING like being a European sports fan...

Pati Jinich: how do i smoke your meat? how do i cure your meat with my mouth? uno dos tres. never let the flame hit the meat, it's all about the fantasy. the Aztec fantasy. inky beans, raw chorizo, Creole pumpkin. place two tortillas on my butt, i'm your comal...

Carlos Reygadas: you're a cute chilanga...

Pati: i'm the world's chiquita.

Bobby Charlton: i was in the Hair Club For Men when i didn't want to be!!!

Eye Luggage: Breakfast at Tiffany's and go.

Takahashi: you know you're in DEEP TROUBLE when you see in the opening credits MICKEY ROONEY as Mr. Yunioshi. i was expecting the worst and i was right, that was WORSE THAN BAD. just TERRIBLE. why, just WHY?!!! this could have been a minor classic, a warm nostalgia movie that EVERYONE could come back to and curl up into like a comforting blanket. but the entire thing is RUINED FOREVER by this character.

Mickey Rooney: i don't get the controversy, when i walk down the street everyone, even Asians, come up to me, slap me on my raincoat, and tell me i did a great job with Yunioshi, that he was.........funny.........then again, i don't remember much anymore, i starred in EVERY MOVIE from 1910 to 1940.........and i'm pretty sure i fucked Judy Garland at least once...

Deep Blue Something start singing their hit song "Breakfast at Tiffany's."

Henry Mancini: what are you doing?

Deep Blue Something: it's the one thing we've got.

Mancini: I do the music around here, pals!!! MY song "Moon River," it's synonymous with this classic film, you can't have one without the other. have your grandparents ever mentioned "Moon River" to you?

Deep Blue Something: let's be honest here, MOST PEOPLE ON EARTH learned about the film Breakfast at Tiffany's because of OUR song. sorry, Hank.

Audrey Hepburn: this opening scene, it inspired millions of girls to start eating danishes out of trash cans. and for that i am sorry.

Audrey: my mother called me Audrey Spidey Sense as a child...

Audrey: let's be honest, the whole Holly Golightly look, the ONE thing that stands out the most is my BIG-ASS black cigarette-holder stick. 

Shelley Duvall: that stick changed my life...

Bill Cosby: and now this is turning into my Harlem house with the brownstones and the neighborhood stoops...

me: hey, you can't say anything anymore about anything...

Trinity: ORANGEY!!! is that you?

Orangey: yup.

Trinity: GRANDFATHER!!! grandpa!!! i missed you.

Orangey: i should have been called Orangey in the film, not Cat, that was dumb. Orangey is cooler.

Audrey: as you can see, i'm far ahead of my time, i wore the Naruto sleeping-eye eye-mask before Naruto did... 

Audrey: you look familiar, do you play a lot of $25,000 Pyramid? 

George Peppard: Dick Clark is SO YOUNG!!!

Audrey: you're Paul Varjak? did you carjack a car?

Peppard: look at me, if anything MY car was jacked...

Jackie Fitzgerald: ...

George Peppard: call me Peppard, it's cooler. 

Audrey: are you allergic to salt?

Peppard: yes but thankfully not to your sugariness.

Peppard: you a whore?

Audrey: that's the Great Debate, i'm not exactly a prostitute, i'm more like a.........geisha. a geisha with a $50 powder room.

Blake Edwards: in fact i was gunning hard to have this film called American Geisha.

Takahashi: buddy let's not go there again, you've already caused enough damage for a quadrillion years.

Audrey: you're a writer? written anything i might have read?

Peppard: i don't wanna talk about it, i'm embarrassed over my work. i have a few short stories and vignettes out there all published only in Playboy. i'm a writer. well i'm a typer. i'm a typewriter.

Audrey: nothing wrong with being a kept boy.

Peppard: i know, right? this is LITERALLY THE ONLY WAY a writer can feed himself.

Audrey: no not the normal natural blues, i'm talking about getting the mean reds.

Peppard: you need some strong antipsychotics for YOUR type of depression...

on the ledge by sunlight.

Peppard: you play that ukulele well, girlie. and you have an okay singing voice.

Audrey: thanks. this guitar solo is a song about loneliness and trying to find the one, your one true love, the one you match with down the river in case the both of you have to swim for it. the moon's gravitational pull towards impossible-to-find lovers. it's called "Moon River." 

Peppard: you should have become a musician instead of a call-girl skank.

Audrey: you're right, i never thought of it like that, i should have become Madonna, i just regarded my musicianship as another of my geisha skills.

Sally Tomato: i'm a man with the name Sally, and i'm in prison, this is not good.

Audrey: can i sing here at Sing Sing? what's the weather report?

Sally Tomato: Maria LaRosa, it's ALWAYS Maria LaRosa. she's like Hurricane Otis revving up to a Cat 5 in ONE NIGHT, if you know what i mean. why does this prison in New York look like Alcatraz?...

Audrey and Peppard in bed.

Audrey, crying: who would have played my Army brother Fred?

Peppard: Fred Rogers.

Audrey: sorry for all the goosefeathers strewn everywhere...

Peppard: just stuff them between our sheets...

Peppard: what's this?

Audrey: a typewriter ribbon.

Peppard: oh i thought it was some kinky sex thing.

Audrey: be warned, this is gonna be a WILD PARTY.

Peppard: kinky sex things?

Audrey: no like people with lampshades on their heads.

Audrey: this is Mag Wildwood, my lesbian lover, every time we fuck i inherit her stutter...

agent: Holly? she's a fake. but she's a fake with a heart of gold. O.J. was a great name to have in 1961...

Peppard: i know what you are. a golddigger.

Audrey: is that supposed to make me feel better?

Patricia Neal: don't call me 2E, makes me self-conscious, Rod Serling used to call me Human E. i took a lot of Extasy in those days, the party days, the black-and-white days...

Patricia: besides, i don't live in Apartment 2E, that would have been cooler...

Patricia: that man following us is creepy like the FBI. i don't like the brim of his Homburg hat.

Peppard: that man? he's no stranger, he's that guy from my favorite TV show!!!

Peppard: Buddy Ebsen, the patriarch from Beverly Hillbillies!!! can i have your autograph? sign my homburg.

Buddy Ebsen: wait for the McDonald's toys of us to come out, son. you know i married Audrey when she was, like, 11 or something. don't give me that look!!! hillbilly, remember?!!! this is such an Antonioni park...

at the Greyhound station.

Buddy Ebsen: you were so desperate to run away from our home farm in the middle of nowhere to go to the city.

Audrey: don't be salty. i'm the flower that grows out of city concrete. New York City is THE ONLY CITY THAT EXISTS IN THE WORLD. you can't love a wild thing, i'm like Cassie from Skins.

at the strip club.

Peppard: why you BUGGING YOUR EYES OUT at a naked Miss Beverly Hills the stripper? you do worse as a ho.

Audrey: i think i'm just jealous. how do you think she achieved that title?

Peppard: slept with the Beverly Hillbillies?

Audrey: i'd make more if my body looked like hers.

Peppard: nah, don't sell yourself short, kid, you got a better face...

Laertus: there is nothing more beautiful than spending the day with your girl in the Big City arm-in-arm.

Eye: the man said what he said. you said it, my shining babe.

at Tiffany's.

counterman: buying a wedding ring for the missus? my lowest price is $100,000.

Peppard: yeah i suppose i'll marry this one eventually. hey can you engrave this Cracker Jack ring for me? both our initials, i want it to be a surprise for her.

counterman: no, too sticky. 

Lucio Rossi: okay i NEED one of those phone-dialer finger sticks, spam calls are so YUCKY to touch!!! they give me diabetes.

at the costume shoppe.

Audrey: have you ever stolen anything in your life?

Peppard: just a car.

Audrey: no i mean candy.

Peppard: i tried to steal a packet of Pop Rocks but they exploded inside my penis. oh, so this IS a Halloween movie after all...

Audrey: hey, let ME wear the Huckleberry Hound mask.

Peppard: right, it's kinkier if you do it, that's a kinky thing. 

Audrey: you gotta admit that was ingenious, leaving the shoppe with our masks on, people were so distracted by the masks they forgot we never paid for them!!!

Peppard: that was dumb to talk to that cop in our masks... 

at the New York Public Library.

Audrey: what's scribbled on all these index cards?

Peppard: Fritz Weaver's spidery inky autographs...

Audrey: is your book in here?

Peppard: someone stole my book from off this shelf!!!

Eye: oooh, NICE SYMBOLISM HERE, 2E is behind that beaded curtain, as if to say she has become DISTANCED from Varjak, she can't see his face anymore, it's blurred and blocked by beads, his TRUE face. the face that's in love. with not her.

O.J.: the executive phone, easier for the CIA to bug...

on the steps of the police station/court/jail.

Audrey: did you see that?!!! did you see my facial expression as the exploding-smoke-bulb cameras were shooting off in my face? did you see the pose i posed? that was the FIRST SELFIE FACE!!!

Audrey: like my vintage '60s kitchen? with the linoleum?

Peppard: so chic. but i'm depressed. the mean reds. cos you're leaving, what am i gonna do in New York City all by myself?

Audrey: what is there to do in Brazil? 

Peppard: well you could finally get that BIG BUTT you've always wanted. 

Audrey: a STRIPPER BUTT would look good on my pencil body-type.

in the car in the rain, the taxi to the airport.

Peppard: I OWN YOU!!!

Audrey: seriously?

Peppard: well, sorta. isn't that what being in love is? isn't that what "be mine" means?

Laertus: this is good writing right here, this is a good speech, it's true, there is no other point to the shit of life than to find someone to be with for eternity.

Eye Luggage: that's some good shit, babe, the shit of life, i'm putting that in our wedding vows written on the side of a Cracker Jack box...

in the rain in an alley with some damp cardboard boxes.

Audrey: CAT!!!

Orangey: lady, YOU'RE the one who FUCKING ABANDONED ME in the rain!!! kicked me out of the taxi like a used lipstick case. don't you Cat me!!! well they don't call me an alleycat for nothing. HEY, not so rough, you're squeezing me TOO TIGHT!!!...

postscript: Holly Golightly and Paul Varjak get married, their First Anniversary gifts to each other: cages.

Peppard: kinky things.

postscript: and they have a son named Pat Sajak...

Julia Roberts: Audrey Hepburn, can i borrow your hat?.........you know, to go grocery-shopping and stuff...

Richard Gere: OOOHHHHHHHHH.........now i get it. Pretty Woman is the '90s Breakfast at Tiffany's. g'night folks.

 

IRONWORKERS: EULOGIST

 

inside the American Gladiators studio.

Mike Adamle: AND NOW, FOLKS!!!.........SKY TRACK!!!

the crowd goes wild.

Adamle: wait wait, i can sense the reverb, i heard the echo, that was misspelled, it's Skytrak...

Sasha Grey: what is this bullshit track on the ceiling? it looks like my ceiling mirror.

The Undertaker from WWF: beats me. get it? i'm holding a tea-urn...

Sasha Grey and The Undertaker are trying out to be American Gladiators and boy did they BOTH ace their auditions!!!

Sasha Grey: this is the logical extension to our careers, right?

The Undertaker: oh yeah, girlie.

Sasha Grey: what's your Gladiator name?

The Undertaker: Tomb. of course. you?

Sasha Grey: HEY ADAMLE!!! WHEREVER YOU ARE INSIDE THIS STUDIO RIGHT NOW!!! YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME FOREVER WITH YOUR SMALL MOUSEMAN STATURE!!! my Gladiator name is NOT gonna be Cum...

Mr. T: what is this bullshit ceiling track? looks like the crack mirror i used to use when i was hustlin'. before the Angel Gabriel straightened me out in Sing Sing.

Gemini: it's Sky Track. remember when you were a kid and you pretended you were Spider-Man running around all over the ceiling hitting every curve and corner, swinging like a turnt spider, jumping jiggawatts, flying like a motherfucker?

Mr. T: slinging web like hash. every curve and turn like a cornered spider. but how do you stay UP?!!!

Gemini: harnesses and velcro.

Ear Horn: tell us a story, dearies. your favorite weatherlore. i'll start: if you eat a raw carrot without knowing it, it will rain.

Doryce: if you see me naked, it will rain.

Gladyce: if you accidentally see me naked, it will rain.

Ear Horn: oh our PRECIOUS cat Bella Spinks.

Eye Luggage: she's a fighter.

Ear: her 50-decibel PURR broke the Guinness Book of Worlds record. not as good as the Guinness Grimoire tho. the purr sounds like my kettle boiling, she would lay down to sleep encircling my kettle with her curved tail during her formative kitten years.

Eye: she sounds like a damp napkin, it's a brilliantly goth sound.

Boc: masturbating and walking get the nervous energy out.

low-grade flu the rest of your life: dems the breaks, for hopeful lucid dreams.

Fuerza: you just take for granted that you're gonna wake up and get out of bed with two good legs.

Dotty the Seal: i'm not a slut, i'm a MEDICAL MIRACLE!!! 20 successful pregnancies!!! i'm a marvel of science, not fat, apologize. apologize to me. and i hate seafood. good morning? who gets up early Saturday morning at 4AM to watch a beach eggnest?

Ariana Jaso: ...

Boc: i would love to go on walks in the snow if that were a thing in California...

extinction rebel: being a writer in Hollywood...

Borat: you Extinction Rebels stole my banana-hammock mankini...

Boc: debonair dragonfly derriere...

Stanford: free will doesn't exist.

Princeton: PLEASE let Julia Ioffe of her own free will like me.

Robert Sapolsky: i'd be Grizzly Adams if i didn't have a degree...

Madame Defarge: grannies in pinnies got nuthin' on me!!!

Hagoromo: i am such a fascinating being. not related to Tony Romo.  i look like a damn devil. a person with pale skin and horns, but i couldn't be nicer. no one is more gracious, generous, kind, and benevolent. than me.

scruples: always just sounded like testicles.

Oscar Mayer Scramblers commercial: not cool. all those scrambled letters, i thought i had DYSLEXIA!!!

Emily Blunt: i'm sorry i called her "enormous." but at least i didn't call her a sow or anything, you know?

Gemini is sweating in his palms and kneepits prior to the start of his Sky Track race hanging upside-down on the ceiling.

Gemini: this is some bullshit. why do i do this again? this is CRAZY. i am SO NERVOUS. i just want to impress Siren.

Siren is right next to Gemini in the next lane, she's sweating for a different reason, her eyes are steely and resilient.

Adamle: GO!!!

before Gemini has a chance to flinch Siren is already halfway done with the race. she beats his time and sets her own world record for chutzpah.

Gemini: aw shit i can't beat her. i can't race her, i'm in love with her. i'll get her next time when i'm not racing against her.

in the next race Gemini is determined. he jumps the gun and WHIZZES the Sky Track GLIDING into the world record with his first-cross.

Gemini: now i'm sweating for a DIFFERENT reason. did Siren see me do that from down below? 

Gemini looks down. Siren is smiling at him from down below. and right-side up.

Gemini struggles to find the words as his harness is lowered and unvelcro'd.

Gemini: i.........i.........i.........nervous. get nerves. when i'm around you i can't SPEAK. 

Siren using sign language: it's okay. you don't have to impress me by spinning wildly on an INSANE Sky Track race up there. i know you're in love with me, i can read lips, buster. have some Blistex for your blistered lips, pal.

Gemini: when i get the hives my lips chafe.

Siren: i've been reading your lips since i first laid eyes on you, Gemini.

Gemini sighs then signs relief to Siren.

Gemini smiling relievedly: oh yeah, i forgot. i am in love with you, Siren. you know, i just want to say that in case you can't hear me or something.

Siren smiling loudly: i'm in love with you, too, Gemini.

Gemini: i love when things work out in life...

Michael Jordan: if KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR is having trouble walking, that is NOT a good sign for the rest of us!!!

prescribed burn: should be a proscribed burn.

CVS pharmacist: i have no idea what i'm doing. i'm not just a pill-counter. i am more. think second, think twice. you have an afternoon appointment with me today but i won't be there...

Boc: on the first rain the hobbit light flickers orange. it starts to flicker orange. you know the hobbit light, that tiny shrooms light that sprouts from the hanging oak.

MEP truck: anime truck in all '80s animes about futuristic highways...

Hilda from Lucky: i look FUCKING SEXY right now loading the cigarette packs behind the glass in the morning.

me: yeah you do!!! especially when you keep a soft pack of cigarettes in your bouncy back pocket.

Hilda: cigarettes after sex, darling?

me: before sex...

Sasha Grey and The Undertaker share an ice cream cone after the race.

Sasha Grey: BELIEVE ME the reason i sweat is WAY DIFFERENT from the reason YOU sweat...

The Undertaker: i like the way you lick that cone, girly.

Sasha Grey: what did you hope to accomplish here?

The Undertaker: i wanted to be an inspiration for kids, you know? they see me as a dead man who's still trying to have a life, and that's motivating for kids. NOT to end up like me. plus, the Sky Track looks like Heaven.

Sasha Grey: but since you DIDN'T WIN the race like me it's up to me to decide what to do. launching off your story, i've always wanted to do a film eulogy, you know, the obscure movies no one sees, kids love boring movies. i'm off to write an essay on German Expressionism, how stuff like Nosferatu was the start of the French New Wave...

at Pic-N-Save.

Ear Horn: so, did you follow my advice?

Gemini: sure did. i used those white bushy broccoli stems you picked out for me and presented them to Siren as a bouquet of flowers!!! she ate it up!!!

Ear Horn: dearie i wanted you to EAT that white broccoli, it's rich in iron and a milky witch ingredient that builds your bones into juicy morsels!!! but you know what? i'm happy for you, dearie. it all ended up the same for you: well.