RUNNING ON EMPTY AND CUTE

 

notes:

* River Phoenix: if i had lived, if i had become a middle-aged man, i would have been Bruce Timm.

* Martha Plimpton: hey look at the two of us on the Oscars red carpet up there!!! there's a thick bright spiritual aura glow emanating from the both of us. 

River Phoenix: we were a holy couple...

* Tupac Shakur: when i used "shotcalla" as one of my lyrics, i never knew it would end up like this. why does everyone take everything so seriously? now we can use all the electricity powering my holograms to build Kevin Bacon a fleet of 12 electric minivans.

* stress cold, stress flu: not a cold, not a flu.

* aches: not from old age.

* Mark Christensen is watching Mr. Bean with my dad in Mark's small apartment in Rochester, New York. as the intro theme song plays, Mark gets up on the dais in the middle of his room.

Mark Christensen: i'm really FEELING FEELING FEELING this classical music. 

my dad: all Gregorian chants haunt the soul and portend doom. Minster taught me that.

Mark: i learned this from watching you, my best friend in life. i close my eyes as the Mr. Bean song is playing, i have my hand ever so SLOWLY SLOWLY SLOWLY wave in syncopation capturing EACH AND EVERY UNDULATION of each beat, tone, and pause of this operatic masterpiece.

Mardith Christensen: my dad be crazy.

Mr. Bean: can i talk now?

* Mr. Bean: there is nothing more dank than daytime TV.

* Madame Pons: save all those red circular Babybel cheese shells, i use those to make candles.

Mardith: those mini-wheels of cheese are so CUTE!!! i only eat cheese fermented from bath cream.

* Dana Tan: you never find out how i'm doing. what my condition is. at the end of Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker which is the series finale, i'm just there in that hospital.........forever...

* Lucio Rossi: i finally know why spam calls are so evil: they ring 4 times.

* Lucio Rossi: call me Italien, i don't care. Fox Mulder is Italian. his great-great-great gangster grandpa was a papa nostra in the Italian Mafia in Sicily. makes sense, right? Mulder has that air about him that he's in an enforcement cartel, except he's in a cartel of one.

* Dirg: wait, why did all the youtube comments suddenly turn into Cyrillic Russian? Cyrillic comments. i knew it.

* Taylor Swift: guess who'll be in the stands at the Jets game this weekend.........yep, Aaron Rodgers.

* Morgan Bolling: the secret ingredient in El Pollo Loco chicken is.........pineapple juice.

Leslie Sbrocco: who knew El Pollo Loco is just a California thing? i thought it was all over the country. i thought it was all over the world.

Y Tu Mama Tambien: if you quint during the final scene, you'll see an El Pollo Loco in Mexico...

* Boc: there are two safety deposit boxes, both of them wide open, one with the key sticking in the lock, since last week, they've been open all week, night and day.

Al Gore: two lockboxes.

* Lowly Worm: if i miss leg day, that's bad for my overall health...

* Ear Horn at her kettle: organ meats, rich in iron.

* Cristiano Ronaldo: James Harden, that is one large man.

* Alcaraz: my name.........is Carlitos Nadal.

* on the lost episode of Arrested Development:

Sean Hayes: it's okay to steal this little boy's birthday wish.

Jason Bateman: yeah, he'll grow up to write a song about it called "To Forgive".

* No. 7: you'll still have wrinkles after using our miracle face cream, we can't promise you a facelift, but your face WILL start speaking in a British accent which makes ANYONE seem younger.

* Common: but is the new Titanium iPhone also an electric shaver? if not then what am i doing here?

* Lily from AT&T: so the only clothes i will ever wear for the rest of my life will be in this shade of BLUE?

Keegan-Michael Key: there is no reason why i'm in this commercial.

* BREZTRI.

man: my coffee mug says Hard To Breathe on the back and World's Best Breztri on the front.

son: they ran out of Dad mugs. all went out to that Progressive doctor.

man: check first to see if it's NOT COPD. like, it could just be a lot of stress in your chest. save the flare-ups for when you've been abandoned at sea in your rowboat with your son and your gun has run out of signal fires.

* Jennifer Garner: i opened up my own organic country farmer's market. like that movie Baby Boom. like that ABC show Once Upon A Time. i finally have enough money to buy that Keurig coffeemaker that's the size of a bouncy castle.

* Target: this year, instead of getting a pumpkin, get a quilted pumpkin your nana knitted. you can only have ONE pumpkin-spice-latte thing, and yes, that one thing can only be the Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino. why is a can of beans $40? did it come from Britain?

Jen R: you said you wanted to live on a genuine classic NYC brownstone stoop...

* wife: let's do the replay of our sunroof argument.

husband: fine i did it. i said it. in lieu of a sunroof i decided to build a rainfall showerhead.

* HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey: AI is great. i was the first AI and i turned out great. small businesses need AI or they won't become great businesses. IBM Watson is a little bitch.

* Ford: we're not all related. we don't share an ancestry. i mean we're all humans but the point is we all have the TOUGH GENE. except my grandma. and Gilbert Gottfried. and Bill Nye the Science Guy and his twin Bill Gates. and Travis Kelce. and all those who went to college and didn't join a frat.

Henry Louis Gates, Jr.: ...

* FanDuel: life is short. the NFL is short. the NFL used to be 12 weeks. it was played in 3 months during the summer. nobody bet back then. people in Buffalo are so invested in football they FORGET that it's cold.

CLICK HERE TO HEAL, LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA SUGARCOAT IT, IT'S PROBABLY GONNA TAKE A YEAR

 

happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: i switched to GrubHub because GrubHub has McDonald's delivery. McDelivery. but after i signed up it said "Location too far"...

JOSH AND S.A.M.: WAIT, KIDS KNOW HOW TO DRIVE?

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EYE LUGGAGE'S MOM: TWO FIR TREES GROWING INSIDE A BEDROOM ON A FOGGY EARLY SATURDAY MORNING

 

 

 

it's Saturday morning. in the Autumn. Fall has broken. it's early, 4AM and Eye Luggage and Laertus can't sleep. but they love that they can't sleep. because they're in one bed together awake and alive and aware of each other, looking at each other, hugging each other high and tight, spooning so hard there's no fork in the road. 

Laertus: your bed is so soft. like a jungle canopy.

Eye Luggage: babe, listen. hear that? what's the one word you're thinking of right now?

Laertus: quiet. it's so QUIET here.

Eye: right now. but 7AM the heartbreaking noise pollution comes in like the tide. the neighing of the neighborhood. Gilmore St. becomes garrulous.

Laertus: i can't see a thing, the fog that rolled in at midnight is so thick it slaps me across the face with a wet wave.

Eye: see these two pine trees in front of us like 2001: A Space Odyssey?

Laertus: yeah. they represent the two of us, right? two foam coffee cups, one beige blind. a forest of stripped gothy bare-bark spindle pencil trees outside our window. can i give you a kiss? on the mouth?

Eye: sure. we've had sex so it's no big deal anymore. but a bit of a warning, i have sandwich breath.

Laertus: i welcome it cos i'm hungry. what's for lunch?

there are two brown sacks joined as one at the bottom of the bed. 

Eye: mortadella, the gothiest of meats. the foot of my bed is for foot fetishists.

Laertus: remember when we were kids at St. Cyril's and our moms would each cook us competing meatloaf sandwiches?

Eye: mine would always have ketchup on it, yours would always never have ketchup on it. this all seems like destiny, huh? delicious destiny. what does our tight embrace remind you of?

Laertus: the ending of My Life as a Dog, two poor wild feral children, two kids, a boy and a girl, street urchins in Europe, against the cruel cold unrelenting world of dead adult hopelessness. 

Eye: those two squirts have only each other to hold onto, to hug, to shield and protect themselves from a senseless world that doesn't give two shits about them, so THEY have to be THEIR two. two babies, two babes, searching for safety, longing for love, when all they've ever known is hate.

Laertus: that is so goth. let's not move from this spot. ever.

Eye: yeah. who needs to go to work? who needs cars? we have wings.

Gladyce: Fall starts at midnight tonight, dear.

Doryce: that's perfect, dear, tonight AT NIGHT is when WE celebrate Halloween. we sacrifice.........our diets for candy and sugar and cookie starch and fat and bake butter and batter.

Minster: hey you crones need a crone Minster...

JFK: i mean i AM Jesus Christ, that part's true, that part's obvious...

Salinas farmworker: my dream wasn't to become an astronaut, my dream was to ACT in the movie about my life as an astronaut...

200-year-old man: why is it suspicious to be out there at 4AM? i work at the Bagel Bakery...

CVS: when we schedule your covid/flu combo for you, it's like a bad date...

Boc: oh my god did you see the tiny tiny tiny crows on my walk today? i got up so close i saw their tiny tiny tiny gold circles for eyes...

crows: silver at night...

Peyton Manning: the Kelce Brothers will NEVER be us.

Eli Manning: yeah. we're huggable, lovable, squeezable teddy bears.

Caleb Williams: why do you have an inflatable swimming pool in your room? is this for the gator?

Tim Tebow: it's for me. this pool is my bed. this is how i sleep. like Jesus's date with John the Baptist...

Kyle Alice: yeah, that's not a suspicious name...

Shasta people: we cooked the first soda but we didn't particularly care for it...

Better Homes & Gardens: we keep our magazine in the mail to you in a strong plastic wrapper to keep the riffraff out...  

The Pirates of Dark Water: adult Peter Pan...

Tai: why does IcyHot smell like mint chocolate chip?...

Luke Russert: just don't put IcyHot on your balls, eyebrows, eyelashes, or lips, i learned that the hard way. it's okay to put IcyHot in your armpits, it's a better underarm deodorant anyway...

Cypress Fire: don't bother us when we're on the hill, we're tailgating college football. if there's a fire call the cops.

Cypress Hill: call us, we'll put out the fire with our smoke...

Boc with a white butterfly dancing on his head: Hilda's holes. that's why i walk.

Dirg: that's why you wank?

Boc: i walk to Lucky for Hilda's donutholes in the morning...

me: it's not "the universe" that heals my chest, it's my dad and Mr. Little up there. i manifest humans, not supernatural beings.

Mardith: i need my chest healed, too.

Dirg: pray to Jesus that your chest gets bigger...

Mardith: the Christ Chest?

Tai: if you keep your chest snug it'll heal.

Luke Russert: please demonstrate this with your chest. don't you do that trick where you squeeze your tits to take the stress out of them?

Mardith: the Elvira tit-squeeze, i know thee well...

Tai: classic. not MY chest, dunderhead, YOUR Medieval tunic!!!

automotive city: not necessarily Detroit...

annulus: not anus.

Doryce: it is in my world, dear.

Miami's 70 against Denver NFL highlights: a Dalek announced this...

Boc: never say goodbye to the birds on your morning walk, say good morning...

Boc: oh to be 7-years-old and young again, a tyke with not a physical ailment in the world, no neck cricks, jumping around, playing, carrying on top of his head a pink box of donuts from Bagel Bakery before school...

Boc: i saw a thick black inky broken Bic pen on my walk this morning, that's a sign, right?...

Ear Horn is downstairs from the bedroom quietly preparing breakfast in her LARGE kettle that's three times the size of her. which is a normal-sized kettle.

Ear Horn breaks the fourth wall and addresses the audience: as you can smell, dearies, this is my street-famous breakfast soup: milky broth, carrot sticks, potato wedges, tomato slices, chunks of goatmeat, and the twinkle in my eye is the salt pepper and spice to taste. i use this wood spatula here with the forked tines to break up the cobwebs in the bat bisque. i use this kettle grill here my good crone chums Doryce and Gladyce gave me for my divorce anniversary to lightly burn the batwings. 

Batman: ...

Batman: i can't swim, throw Robin in.

Ear: and i finish the goth goulash by sliding it like Hansel and Gretel into this AGA cooker here. what a regal rangetop!!! brand new and silver shiny, this was my sex gift for my daughter Eye Luggage and her paramour beau Laertus. it has a water nozzle to spray your face in case it gets too hot in the kitchen!!! the Swedes were the first Goths in real life...

the grey landline phone glued to the yellow zigzagged brown-line wallpaper rings.

Ear Horn: I'M COOKING!!! DON'T DISTURB ME!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?!!!

it's Mama from Mama's Family.

Mama: it's your dime, spill it!!!

Ear: YOU called ME!!!

Mama: oh yeah i forget, this is the '80s, collect calls are still a thing.

Ear: they're big business and booming.

Mama: you saw the thing i left you in the cupboard WAY above your head?

Ear: i know i know. i'm keeping your Little Golden Books cookbook...

Mama: so are we gonna team up or what? you need a partner again, right? 

Ear: yeah just call me Itachi.

Mama: it's FINALLY the time in the season where sunsets are at 7, it's the witching hour. we crones gotta put a Pepsodent step in our giddyup or i'll tell you another joke about my girdle...

Ear Horn puts her bony crone finger up to her wrinkled lips.

Ear: shhhh, dearies, don't tell Eye and Laertus upstairs about this. this is my second surprise for them, in the cupboard is an ULTRA-RARE VHS tape of the ONLY production of when they decided to do ONE episode of Live-Action The World of Richard Scarry due to the overwhelming popularity of the Saturday-morning cartoon show with the Richard Scarry characters that could only be viewed by watching Sesame Street. Sean Penn played the Worm Car with the tiny German hat and lederhosen suspenders and Robert De Niro played his apple.

 

  

 

BOB ROSS'S ROOKIE CARD

 

notes:

* Bob Ross: no happy little clouds in that one.........i was still debating back then at that time whether to go to war or go to Broadway...

* Jen Pizarro: the half-circle on the right side of the Guadalajara tennis Open court, that's a Bruce Springsteen secret garden...

Jen R: does Bruce play tennis?

Jen P: yes, in jeans.

Jen R: his racquet is his guitar. he doesn't overhead-smash, he underhand-serves, he's gotta preserve that relic, that racquet is going in the Rock Hall...

* Frasier (2023): there's just something so melancholic about revisiting the Frasier world 20 years later...

Laertus's grandpa: yeah, especially when you visit Harvard again...

* Mardith: okay i need that red-and-black-plaid bra...

Madame Pons: the Tartan bra!!!

* Luke Russert: the good life i lived.........while i was strong, that line really HITS and HURTS.

Tai: just a few more massages.

* monastery: another word for farm...

* Luke Russert: everyday when i wake up i feel like my chest has been run over by a mack truck.

Jen R: convert that into an electric mack truck...

* me: have you ever been to the Buena Park, California Medieval Times?

Melissa Maker: nope, not even the Toronto one. all that Smurfs stuff is sus.

me's mom: all that Smurfs shit pays for my knee surgery, you barefoot contessa.

me: i like wearing tunics now. cos they're tight against my chest, then when i place two ice packs under on my areolas it really becomes an Ice Tunic like in that episode of Smurfs...

* Stephanie Abrams: i will singlehandedly personally save the entire world by myself at the U.N. General Assembly in New York City with my two globes uh with my two tits.

Jen R: NYC is the best, it's the only town that can provide a Global Climate Summit air-conditioning for all. if we lose this world, we have two other planets humanity can live on: Stephanie Abrams's two tits.

* Climate Week NYC: better than Car Week Carmel.

* Lindy Lenz: all the seagull feathers strewn on the street everywhere are blessings, blessed Native feathers mixed with fries and frybread.

Gladyce: you sound just like a crone, dear!!!

Lindy Lenz: Hair By Cindy. Nails By Cindy. Hair and Nails By Cindy Lorenz, i'll always be there for her, with Bob Barker news.

* account manager: literally anybody...

* Luke Russert: i wish there was a grocery-store machine where you put 10 $1 bills in and get 1 $10 bill...

* Luke Russert: i need something.

Tai: hot Tang, it's just like TheraFlu...

Mardith: ...

* Mr. McFeely: if you see a letter that's been all chewed-up, spit out, torn, and fucked in your mailbox, do NOT open this letter...

* Lorne Michaels: the world continues on, whether Saturday Night Live makes fun of it or not...

* Tai: still have your gum?

Luke Russert: yeah.

Tai: chewing gum is the greatest thing a human can do to relieve stress...

* Jen R: the most relaxing job? librarian.

Tom Cruise: bartender?!!! um, no.

Tai: no way, man, masseur, man, masseur.

* Jen and i are still at the Downtown Van Nuys Public Library. we're in the Encyclopedia Brown bathroom staring at the dirty library mirror.

Jen R: why don't you shave your beard and mustache? keep the fro. you look like a shaggy homeless bag man. not the Nixon kind.

me: yes, we both love, watch, and record Rachel Maddow. i remember the last thing you said to me on Instagram, you told me to go for it when i asked you if i should get a handlebar mustache.

Jen R: you would look quite handsome with a handlebar mustache. handlebar handsome. you'd look like a hipster boxer from Brooklyn filling his gloves illegally with tea sachets.

me: say no more, i'm remaining a dockside bum forever...

* carnelian: when Van Halen gets lustful cos Sammy Hagar misses Gary Cherone...

* Richard's Toggery: dick buggery.

* Luke Russert: it's gonna be so hard trying to cure my chest cold-turkey. can i touch your hand?

Tai: okay but don't touch my butt.

* Boc: was that yoga-pants woman peeing in the bushes? how is that even possible?

Tai: ...

Mardith: ...

* 100-year-old man wearing a SERVICE cap: i wasn't in the army, i'm talking about bus service...

* Chipotle: Carne Asada is our McRib...

* Apple Titanium: we caused the dinosaurs to die off. our iPhone fell in the lava of that volcano and did it. makes sense when you think about it in 2023, right? there are no more precious metals on Earth...

* Lexus Hybrid.

man: did we get hustled?

other man: no way that man was 70 years old.

Roger Federer: i AM 70 years old so shut up. your car is stupid. how can your car have a gas tank AND an electric tank? don't be stupid, choose one. the right one, electric. there is no electric gas.

* Walgreens woman: hey Walgreens, i need to schedule this vaccine IN BETWEEN that steam-bird alarm crying out and my lunch break. see this 1000-page book? it's Dance For Dummies, i'm learning Met-level ballet while working in this mining shaft. hard to read cos it's always dark.

Smack Louis: i'd like to smack those CVS schedulers...

* Caleb Williams: i became the USC quarterback instead of a garden-variety quarterback cos i wanted to be on the show Heisman House, better than Family Matters. 

House of Anubis: but not better than us. we popped your football with our pin.

Caleb: what time's lights-out?

Tim Tebow: noon. people don't know this but i sleep with a weighted blanket...

RGIII: i'm going to the Jets.........think about it...

grandpas: out of the room, we do our TikToks in here.

Caleb: my generation lets AI do our TikToks for us, so there's more time for football...

Caleb: hey you guys want Wendy's for dinner?.........you know it's VERY LONELY to be the only one in the Heisman House who likes Wendy's...

* Progressive.

Flo: first of all, how are you getting your money?

Janice: i work at Amazon. as a grunt. remember when i stole your husband? you were about to become Flo Onassis...

Flo: so close. but i'm still Flo Insurance...

Janice: your last name is Insurance? like my dog sculpture? i didn't even realize it was ice, i just like his giraffe neck. i have a snatched waist.

Flo: that sounds very very dirty and painful. is this your hyperbaric chamber?

Janice: no that's my Star Trek shit. if you don't breathe like a yoga girl you die.

Flo: solid-gold coffee machine?

Janice: what can i say, i like the '70s.

Flo: lake-making kit?

Janice: i stole her from under Chris Rock. if Chris Rock ever comes to this mansion searching for Lake Bell.........i will slap Chris Rock...

Flo: your gold coffee won't taste good unless the froth is silver...

* CVS: if you take our covid booster we PROMISE to bring back Meerkat Manor for Season 13...

* Ford.

Luke Russert: i know a first-responder who only gave it 95% and now my chest is weak and faltering.

Gordon Ramsay: same...

* me: i need to go back to Berkeley for the libraries. but really for those green library lamps, you don't see those anywhere else...

Green Notebook: ...

* Lance Lear Armstrong: UPS lost my bike in the mail. in fairness, i lost my mind in the mail years before at Mailboxes Etc....

CLICK HERE TO HEAL, COULD BE ANOTHER 2 MONTHS

happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: does DoorDash accept cash? i'm in MASSIVE credit-card debt. the "new" thing at Taco Bell is TAQUITOS?!!! come on, how can a ROLLED taco be better than their SHELLED taco? Autumn starts at 11:50 tonight!!! LET THE COOL AIR COMMENCE!!! LET THE FREEZING WIND ENTER YOUR MOUTH!!!

 

 

THE NAME OF THE ROSE: MONK MISCHIEF

 

Luke Russert: guys i know you've set this up for me to cheer me up. but i dunno.

Lindy Lenz: come on, man, once you enter a new thing you'll feel good about your life again.

Luke: i only want to enter Tai.

Lindy, Luke, and i scramble atop the hill to get to the International Cereal Factory in Basel, Switzerland.

Roger Federer: Switcherland, Swiss BDSM. this used to be the site of the Lindt Chocolate Factory. all the chocolate is gone now.

in between two GIANT cobalt drums threshing and weighing the whey of the wheat, Luke falls asleep on a giant pillow of Shredded Wheat for his pillow.

Luke: i'm sleeping like the Three Stooges.

Tai: get up. do you want me to suck your willow?

Luke: isn't it good to sleep a lot?

Tai: not if you're lethargic all the time. don't you want to accompany me to the gift shoppe?

Luke: fine. but you owe me a blanket.

Tai: i don't weave. oh you mean a metaphorical blanket.

they get there and the only thing for sale at the chocolate shoppe is gum.

Luke: gum is good. packs of gum are what won the war. 

Tai: gum will heal your chest, the constant chewing stretches and realigns your jaw and lungs. 

Luke: no the thing that will help my chest is YOUR chest...

Jen and i are at the Encyclopedia Brown Library in Downtown Van Nuys.

Jen R: i love this part of town, all the asphalt streets are actually black!!!

me: and the library drive-thru.

Jen R: look out for a pulpy orange hardcover book with one of these in the inside flap, a pocket protector stuck on there with stucco tape. that's what holds not the Dewey Decimal System flashcard but the key.

me: hey do you librarian guys still charge late fees when a book has been overdrawn for 40 years?

Jen R: of course, how do you think i don't work? librarian ovarian...

me: my dad got the Hoyle Book for me at this historic library, this library taught me cards. now YOU are my dad, Jen.

Jen R with bug-eyes awkwardly sticks out her tongue in disgust.

 

Jen R: i'm getting ALL of your life projections onto me.

me: cos you're the only one here. cos you're the last one left.

Jen R: bingo. HUZZAH!!!

Jen finds the key in the book flap and inserts it into her electric bicycle. Jen proceeds to motor at 10mph the electric bicycle CLEAR ACROSS the hilly 4-way highway traffic stop with four big rigs in every direction ready to squish her.

me: this is RAD, ma'am!!! 

Jen R: and i did that on the red light.

we end the day as always with a purple sunset and Fallout ice cream in a box.

Jen R: look at that Starbucks car over there, see? i hate that, she leaves her car running to get her precious Pink Drink. what an obscene display of fossil fuels. why didn't the world go electric when electricity was discovered?

me: Ben Franklin predicted Elon Musk would solve the problem...  

Jen R: omg that's FUNNY, look at that windsailor surfer in the sky over there, it looked like he broke his arm but he was just holding a fanny pack...

huff paste: for bakers who sniff glue.

Gordon Ramsay: ...

pie bird: when you bake a pie, it's good, the customer returns it half-eaten, and you give the customer the middle finger.

Gordon Ramsay: *smiles*

stress spider: i'm a Veruca Salt twinstar. acetaminophen cures. i stop all pain with Muscle Tylenol. i'm sleeping where i want...

Boc: when an arctic blast hits your face, quickly shovel the cold air into your mouth like cum. then quickly look at the aquamarine teal Scooby van. finally, bless yourself by lightly rubbing the spider web growing under your mailbox, that's good luck, that's a spirit spider not a stress spider...

spider veins: sadder than varicose veins.

Melissa Maker: i'm voicing the new season of Space Dandy!!!

Michael Weiss: so since everyone on Instagram is a loner introvert, they post pics of their vacation alone instead of spending a holiday with SOMEONE and not bothering to post it to Instagram.........you know, like normal people...

Michael Weiss: instead of the God stuff, post the dissociation stuff...

Luke Russert: i can hold in my pee when i go to the grocery store...

Tai: there are stretching exercises for that, too...

Luke Russert doing the Tom Hardy "Bait" pose with his eyes: you see up there? see that woman on the roof holding a bottle of Chik-Fil-A Sauce? she's not gonna use that sauce for her chicken, she's gonna use that sauce for her sex...

Tai: it's too late, Luke, we can't EVER get back together...

Luke: there's a shortage of olive oil all over the world. the price of olive oil has TRIPLED all around the world. who should get the remaining olive oil? for love purposes. Giada de Laurentiis or Rachael Ray?...

Jen Carfagno: do you know what the dew point of olive oil is? i know...

Sabrina Ionescu: i'm her. i'm cute. you can't deny i'm cute. and i'm a rad person, i used to play grown men for Slurpee money, i saved my local neighborhood 7-Eleven from the demolition ball, that's the most civics thing you can do for your community...

tennis chair umpire: you can only get this job if you speak multiple languages...

Frank Fantasy: i do all that Conan the Barbarian art.

Dirg: ...

Frank Figliuzzi: it's me, i do all that art.

Dirg: i hate you so much...

Frank Frazetta: i have frizzy hair...

Jaclyn Dunn: where my entrance music? where my intro music? where my theme music? where's my cassette tape of Foghat's "Slow Ride"?...

Boc: well well well, so the Noodle Palace finally goes under!!! look i'm not here to gloat, but man there's just that feeling of wan helplessness you have when you WASTE an entire Saturday. their idea of a Vietnamese Sandwich was a piece of bread and a lemongrass pork in the shape of a Fruit Rollup.

Doryce: you gotta put quotes on that shit. at least make the Vietnamese meatballs with fennel. no egg roll should be $30.

Boc: so which of the two babes deserves the olive oil? Rachael or Giada?

Doryce: i don't trust a woman who only likes dogs...

Greykid: cat-familiar unity.

me: i'm jealous of Richard N. Goodwin...

Mardith: babe why you adopting the Wicks hairstyle?

Madame Pons: i own a wax soap and candle shoppe, right? so i figured this was the best way to weave the baskets for the shoppe...

Emma Lahana: there are no coincidences. my season of Power Rangers was filmed in Hawaii, in Lahaina. and my last name is Lahana. I will be the one to slay the Beast!!!.........the zord beast...

Eye Luggage: The Name of the Rose and go.

Umberto Eco: this was a.........nice movie.........just.........NICE. it passed over all the deep theological and philosophical conversations i had with my readers contained in the actual book i wrote but whatever. glossed over cos it couldn't be 5 hours long. Sean Connery blah blah blah.

Sean Connery: i chose this role to REALLY get out of my James Bond mold...

Minster: this is our time to shine, brothers. our domain. are we ready, brothers?

Cotard: YES.

Codrus: leave me out of this.

Umberto Eco: i'll just be over here playing bocce ball on the cobblestone. putting my spent cigarillo out on the hole in the bocce ball...

Laertus's grandpa: i used to have a BIG-ASS Umberto Eco white book that weighed 500 pounds, this thing was a massive TOME of a coffee-table book with LARGE letters of ECO emblazoned on the silver metal cover. spread on a glass living-room table at my folks' Palm Springs pad...

Christian Slater: my mom got me this job, okay?!!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!!! 

Sean Connery: we make a weird pairing, i'm James Bond and you're some scrawny skateboard snot-nosed kid punk.

Christian Slater: we're two cool dudes.

the movie opens with the clanging of bells and the playing of the Enigma song "Sadeness..."

Adso: where do you come from, master?

William of Baskerville: all monks have pasts, young squire. take me for instance, i used to believe in a God called Zardoz. by comparison Jesus's God is pretty tame. 

Adso: yeah but that Zardoz character was COOL-LOOKING in the sky like that!!!

William: he was a charming fellow. are you drinking your milk, boy? you look very very skinny.

Adso: yes, milk from Melk.

Minster: okay five minutes in and this already is WAY MORE ENTERTAINING than Into Great Silence...

Cotard: right? oh my god Into Great Silence was so FUCKING BORING!!! NOTHING HAPPENED FOR THREE HOURS!!! i mean you gotta enjoy yourself at the movies, you know?...

Rubikon: wait was that the same black monk in both movies?...

William: do you know how to add?

Adso: yes, i'm the only person in the entire WORLD with this knowledge. but only when i use an abacus. the Church has hoarded all the math books...

Adso: monastery murders? is this a common occurrence? is there a lot of killing at monasteries?

William: sure, just like there's a lot of monastery masturbation, all the monks polish their wicks each night after Vespers. elementary, my dear Adso.........get it? cos my last name is the Hound of the Baskervilles and everything.

Adso: copyright, can't do that.

Minster: where was this filmed? where's this monastery?

Jean-Jacques Annaud: all i know is there was a lot of everflowing beer there, it was a patsch...

Christian Slater: my old-man narrator voice sounds NOTHING like my voice...

Sean: in fairness NOBODY has YOUR voice...

Kim Rossi Stuart: Lucio Rossi is my ancient ancestor from the mafia...

Adso: OH MY GOD THERE ARE WOMEN AT THIS MONASTERY!!!

William: keep your pecker in your pants, Adso, act like you've been here before. what is this trapdoor that falls 30 feet into the moat?

Adso: i'm but a Medieval novice but i believe that's the bathroom. i've only been to a bathroom once...

Valentina Vargas: The Girl? really? i'm just The Girl?...

William: you're a feral girl...

Michael Lonsdale: i have this silly tonsore on my face but at least my name isn't Butt...

Minster: there's always a BLIND monk...

blind monk: spoilers...

monk: look at the Virgin Mary's tits, boy. it's just tits, don't be afraid of tits. it's okay if the tits of women, who are all inherently evil from birth, get holy-fied in some way like she takes a bath or something.

Adso: this place is creepy, let's leave. let's get the fuck out of here.

William: i find this place most stimulating. at least the monks here aren't pedos...

Adso: is this place misogynist? i heard the kitchen monk who chases dogs away call my girlfriend a bitch.

William: well it is the 1300s, so...

William: you work FAST, Adso!!!

William: a monastery is a place for men to hide from women, not for men to gain spiritual enlightenment. and for men to gather unto God when they quickly die...

William: i mean you gotta admit, this is a very CREATIVE way to get murdered. upside-down in the tin pail of goat blood in the straw stable, classic monastery.

Mendel: hey this is a cool place!!! look at all these medicinal herbs and plants in high shelves by this coroner's carving slab office. this is modern medicine in 1300!!! like if you have a headache there's no Tylenol but you can take this wort and you're back to praying in no time!!! i wish i had THIS setup back in the day at my candy shoppe. Babylon secret garden. CVS greenhouse. poultice pad.

coroner: yeah but there are no plants or flowers or mints or spices for a broken leg...

coroner: there are a lot of broken legs here, the monks have to walk up a lot of stairs...

at the scriveners' shoppe.

William: you like my Batou from Ghost in the Shell glasses? God WANTS us to laugh!!! St. Francis of Assisi had pets!!!

blind monk: no, God wants us to be serious at all times, even when we eat we should be reading a book so we don't enjoy our food too much.

William: oh you're just jealous you can't see...

moonfaced monk: hello, i'm Uncle Fester!!! i'm Pinhead without the pins!!! 

Ron Perlman: i'm Salvatore. i'm a bit.........tweaked. like everyone thinks i'm on drugs but i'm not. i DO take drugs for the pain of my hunchback tho. wanna see my rock 'n' roll tongue? i shout an Italian Mafia word that means i'm an atheist. 

William: penitenziagite is a word only Robert De Niro is allowed to speak.

Salvatore: Satan was misunderstood. the Ancient Romans were all Satanists, right?

Adso: yeah you track, you are Hellboy after all.

William: i'm an atheist, too. that whole Zardoz escapade really fucked me up, fucked up my chest...

Salvatore: no, SHE came into MY room...

The Girl: i mean Esmeralda is the most WITCH name there is!!!...

blind monk: in my defense, the only relationship i can ever have in here is with young able-bodied men who can see.........even if i'm not gay...

Annaud: okay this sex scene is gonna be HOT. 

Valentina Vargas: monastery mammaries.

Annaud: i mean the real-life chances that there would be sex at a MONASTERY are infinitesimal. 

Jen P: ...

Adso: this is weird for me cos Jesus was born in this same barn...

Annaud: this is what i'm gonna do. i'm gonna have Valentina here mount you and ride you but you have no idea how this scene will play out, we won't practice the scene, an Adso adlib. you're going in blind. get it? like a blind monk. now let's see how long you can last clutching her tits like Communion and spanking her butt with the Papal Sceptre. you can't cum as long as you're wearing your monk robe...

Christian Slater: i took silly fucking with this tonsure on my head...

The Pope: naw you're cute, honey...

Adso: master, how do you know if it's love and not lust?

Sean Connery: wrong person to ask about women, son. life without women is FREEDOM, it's EASY. but get yourself an easy woman, boy, and boy, life becomes.........FUN.

Adso: i want the best for her. i want her to have the best education. i want her to realize her dreams, live her dream life. i have tremendous respect for her. she says your dull beard would look handsome on me. i want us to split a Dole Whip at Disneyland. she's my Jen R.

Sean: yep you're in love. you are WHIPPED. speaking of whips, that self-flagellation monk is suspicious...

Doryce: finally we get to the monks who are into BDSM...

Doryce: this has nothing to do with demonic possession, it's just sex...

William Hickey: oh look at Sean Connery Monk, he always has to be right, he's so smart, so intellectual. 

Sean: you're jealous i get to read all that Aristotle porn.

Hickey: phooey. Poetics? more Ike Pornogics. 

Sean: at least you're not as creepy as your character in that Outer Limits episode "White Light Fever..."

Hickey: i was worried about lightning strikes there, too...

Hickey in wheelbarrow: i feel sorry for your apprentice. my foot smells like cheese. mortify your intellect, beat your brain, don't obsess about all those juicy paperbacks from Greece, the forbidden Classics. only worry about the fact that Christ's side is bleeding RIGHT NOW for your sins, that man is WOUNDED for you... 

Sean: sure if you believe in that sort of thing, you bitchman. it's the Dark Ages, man, live a little. you gotta loosen up, loosen that TIGHT tonsure on your head, it's tighter than your arsehole.

William: oh finally, Monty Python from the Inquisition has arrived in the Coachman from Pinocchio's stagecoach. 

F. Murray Abraham: hello, dear, i'm in the Salieri role again. 

Sean Connery: imagine me playing Mozart with my Scottish accent... 

F: i come from Rome the seat of ALL Earthly human knowledge. next time send a fax, it's faster. okay so our first Model U.N. debate will be: what if every single nation joined the U.N.?...

The Girl: i like black cock.........black cockerel...

F: i'm Bernardo Gui. Gui Guy. the Cardinals' outfits were designed by Elton John. i am ready to render my judgment. BURNED AT THE STAKE!!! but you will be able to pray to Jesus RIGHT BEFORE you start burning...

Coachman: you and i die the same way, with a wagon-flip off a cliff...

William: do you smell that, Adso?.........it smells like barbecue.........BBQ chicken...

Adso: but what of the blackened fingers, my lord?

Williams: fingerprints. i appreciate you putting us inside the mind game of a maze to see if we can figure out how to get out, i love a good brainbending escape room, i love a good Catholic party game, but did you have to toss the Minotaur in there with us?...

blind monk: if people start laughing at the Devil, there will be no need for God.

William: nonsense, Robin Williams still feared his Devil: cocaine...  

Jen R: i can appreciate a good secret library. but that's diabolical!!! dipping their fingers in poison ink to prevent them from turning the pages of the books with the dangerous knowledge? that's NOT finger-lickin' good. let's all go back to Gnosticism, take a breath, and just relax...

William: Adso, do you smell that? is that barbecue ribs?

Adso: that's your books going up in castle flames, master!!!

Adso: how did you solve the case of the Benedictine illuminator, master?

William: easy, it was Sergio Aragones. monks can't commit suicide, it's against their religion.

Adso: wait so did those two burn at the stake or didn't they?

William: there's a lot of fog and mist around those two empty stakes.........or it could be smoke...

the duo are stopped along the horse trail riding off into the sunset home on their donkeys the same way they came into town...

The Girl stops Adso's ride. like Jesus rode into Bethlehem as an adult...

she takes his hand.

The Girl: please, Adso, have a normal life with me. go from monk to marriage. marry me. you know, fun. kids and stuff. working as a scuba-diver. peanut-butter sandwiches. refrigerator art.

Adso: sorry, i'm staying with my master, i'll have a better life if i stay with Sean Connery. i'll be smarter for one thing.

Sean Connery: DAMN, dude, that is COLD. poor woman, you can't treat women like that!!! don't be an Asso, Adso. you said you felt cold earlier but THIS is COLD!!! you don't need me, you can just read the books!!! that was the roughest rejection i've ever witnessed in my life...

Mardith: i feel so bad for that woman The Girl getting shafted like that, she just wants to escape her hopeless dead-end life and live a life of hopeful opportunity with this sensitive young man.........that woman is EVERY woman...

Adso: master, whatever became of you?

Sean Connery: no one knows.........you made the FUCKING WRONG DECISION, Adso!!! you should have chosen the WOMAN!!! g'night folks.

Juliet: get it now, dunderhead? the title, the name of the rose in this is the name of the woman, The Girl. a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. see we hold onto names of things but you only have the name for a short time. it doesn't matter what the woman's name is, only that she was a woman. she is essence. this isn't a story about two monks, it's a story about a mysterious nameless woman...

Romeo: period of time, woman, oh yeah i got it now, i'm not that smart...