ZARDOZ: GOD IS IN SHOW BUSINESS

 

Lindy Lenz: Luke, buddy, you gotta get out there and help the community, you gotta get out of yourself, that's the only way you're gonna move on from Tai.

Luke Russert: i know. but i'll never forget Tai no matter what. but you're right, i gotta remove the image of Tai's face from my face's mind by helping others. you know when i was in my doldrums in a ditch i was thinking a lot about the Bloods and the Crips.

Lindy: naturally.

Luke: i think i can solve their problem with each other. just get me down to L.A., get me to the desert.

Lindy: i got the perfect buggy for you, sir...

Luke: okay we're here in Los Angeles, at some rap mogul's mansion in the hills. and my special guest Serena Williams, i sent for her personally. did you use my private jet?

Serena Williams: um, no. you know when i did the Crip Walk at Wimbledon, that was a defining moment in the Civil Rights Movement. from absolute ghetto poverty to the hallowed rich grass of Wimbledon, i was the bridge. i was bringing those two very DISPARATE classes of people together, it's all about showing that all people are the same.

Luke: you hear that, gang members? now what seems to be the troubles between you two?

Crip: it's about hopelessness and...

Blood: institutional societal disenfranchisement and...

Luke: no see the real problem is this pizza from 7-Eleven i hold in my hand. see i SWORE that 7-Eleven had a SAUSAGE pizza,. but it turns out they DON'T. you see how your mind plays tricks on you? you see how you can't believe what your own eyes see? it's the same with you guys. you guys don't have a beef with each other, you guys only have each other. everyone's cool and happy and will be fine. the problem never existed like 7-Eleven sausage pizza...

Luke: now one thing i CAN do for you gentlemen is build you a nice SHOWER in this mansion you two gangs will share living together. nothing cools the temperature in the room like a nice COLD shower. i took many cold showers when i was with Tai...

Luke: anyway, enough tearful watery memories. feelings bad. i'm gonna build you a shower with anechoic walls, the stuff they use in recording studios and bomb bunkers. you won't be able to hear a SOUND, it's the QUIETEST PLACE ON EARTH. the noise of meditation, not gunshots. i was planning to build this shower for Tai as my wedding gift to her but...

Lindy: okay Luke, you okay? let's stop here, you're being hard on yourself again...

Jen R and i are visiting Chelsea Market.

Jen R: my old stomping grounds in New York City!!! people don't know about this place, they all turn left here to peek at the Statue of Liberty's upskirt rather than hang a right.

me: have you found any new old grandma sweaters on these thousands of outdoor racks on the sidewalk curb next to a pizza joint under a tent?

Jen R: i'm in the midst of a thrift threat!!! you'd be surprised the number of different shades of pink there are when it comes to tattered grandma sweaters...

me: you know i've been researching your condition on the internet. much cheaper than going to medical school.

Jen R: and? what'd you find?

me: please don't do the eye surgery, babe!!! your eyes are so beautiful, without your eyes i'd have nowhere to get lost in. i'd have nowhere to go swimming in.

Jen R: okay i'll stick to my eyedrops.

me: steroids. it's the steroids that scare me, babe. 

Jen R: yeah i know. i like my frame, i like being skinny, i don't want a Barry Bonds body.

Jen R: i can't believe it's already night.

me: i'm lost when i'm with you. the good lost. you're the most important thing that has ever happened to me. you're the most important thing i've ever done on Instagram.

Jen R: i love watching the surfers at night.

me: two people on one surfboard isn't recommended, right?

Jen R and i end our night by climbing slowly up a one-inch sandhill on the beach to watch the show.

me: wait, so where's the show? did we miss the "last" Pink Floyd concert? the "last" Daft Punk concert?

Jen R: look up.

i look up at the dark-blue night and a thunderstorm is about to begin. it starts to crackle bolts in staccato, piercing the milky clouds like a melody. the night sky lights up in intervals like a Spielberg symphony.

me: nature's miracle.

Jen R: don't be struck by it tho.

me: am i hearing faint music?

Jen R: yep, coming out of my sweater pocket, it's my cassette tape of The Doors "Riders on the Storm" playing on my '80s Walkman. see? only old pink raggedy wide-loop-knit grandma sweaters have pockets BIG ENOUGH to hold a Walkman!!!

The Pope: my favorite instrument? no not the finger cymbals. it's the Red Violin...

Zoidberg: the only thing better than Christmas in the Futurama world is Christmas during Medieval times...

Doryce: okay so when a man is telling me online, "let's play on Steam," he means he wants to fuck in the Burger King Sauna in Helsinki, right?...

Dirg: sucking on tits is the best way for me to relax, i'm just saying...

me: this is what i want to do for the rest of my life, scrape hardened oatmeal off bowls...

Roger Federer: do you ever feel that you're living in the United States of America but it feels like you're living in a third-world country?...

Bjork: right?...

Al Gore: theoretical gore? no, climate change is real. a theoretical gore are those chevrons on the road between an on-ramp and the highway that look like the Deception symbol.

Starscream: i only run on Chevron gas...

Michael Jordan: i don't get it, how did i lose to the United States at the FIBA World Cup?...

Eye Luggage: Zardoz and go.

John Boorman: i'm not a bore, man. i mean this thing REALLY almost never got made. 

Sara Kestelman: yeah i mean EVERY SINGLE WOMAN in this movie shows her tits. there had to have been a rule against that sort of thing, right?

John: yes. there was. also, we were smack in the middle of The Troubles, the IRA wasn't allowing any rifles or guns of any kind to be smuggled over the border to our set. so yeah, there almost wasn't any guns in this picture.

Sara Kestelman, sarcastically: oh what a shame.

John: but you know what? if no guns in my art means the Protestants and the Catholics can get along with their neighbors without killing each other with guns and forge a lasting peace, then i'm all for it. 

Sara: call them the British and the Irish, it wasn't a religious conflict. isn't it the ultimate irony when religion causes wars?...

Dirg: take a gander, take a look around this movie, THIS is what pre-Star Wars looked like...

Eye Luggage: i'm getting into this.

Laertus: yeah i know what you mean. it's like a nice long episode of dank '70s Doctor Who.

Eye: this is what Star Trek would've been if it had been filmed in the '70s...

Sean Connery: the BBC said i had a ponytail and wore one little strip of red tooth-floss over my cock and balls, a red leather nicotine patch over my Scottish ramrod penis. a string bikini for men. and buttfloss. look at my outfit up there, they clearly didn't watch the film...

Charlotte Rampling: i'm in my SEXY stage here, baby!!! i still have that ogre-like STARE to my eyes but i'm not an old hag, i'm a babe with a bod, so you're not concerned with my general foul disposition.

John Alderton: i'm the guy you DESPISE in the beginning cos i'm so smug, you learn to tolerate me in the middle, and by the end you see where i'm coming from. i'm like Larry from Three's Company. i would make the perfect alderman...

John Boorman: written, directed, and PRODUCED by John Boorman!!! now THIS, friends, is a fucking PASSION PROJECT!!!

John Boorman: science fantasy, it's better than drugs...

John Boorman: sword and planet, Flying Head, these are things to snort up your nose when you're writing such scripts as the epic Zardoz... 

Sean Connery: remember, it's all a misty dream.........like Excalibur...

flying man's face in blue Medieval veil-hat: hi. i'm Arthur Frayn. yes i'm that guy from LazyTown. this is the beginning of the movie. so this whole thing is a metaphor of course, it's an allegory to make you, the audience, think about our REAL WORLD and the REAL GOD. out there. i mean what does the Real God think of our flying grey head?

Fuerza: handsome guy.

blue man: i mean if there truly is no God, i mean no God in reality, not the movie stuff i'm talking about the real world, then isn't making movies on this barren planet a bit cheeky?...

Laertus: okay so the stone head flying in this film is ICONIC AS FUCK.

The Venture Bros: it sure is.

Zardoz: do i have an evil eye?...

Laertus: but whose face is it? is it supposed to be God's face?

John Boorman: no, it's the face of that guy's GIANT stone Ancient Greek head in the Pink Floyd "High Hopes" music video...

Sean: i have a gun? a rifle? a revolver? no, this is one of those bop space ray-gun things that shoots white circles. 

Ralph Bakshi: hey can i borrow your Lord of the Rings script?.........never mind...

Burt Reynolds: will this land me Loni? or does this lead to just another sausage commercial?

Zardoz: the penis is is bad. but the gun is WORSE.

Laertus: see? i can get behind this.

Dirg: you would.

Laertus: think about it, no penises, no need for guns.

Sean: we Brutals know more about climate change than our gods the Eternals. we see our gardens turning into irritated wastelands.

Ewoks: so these soldiers are us but with scary nightmare-fuel masks...

John Boorman: yes. instead of your cute cuddly furry fuzzy faces. think Planet of the Apes on Tom Cruise beach horses...

Fuerza: see? shoulda gone with a female god with a prettier face sunbathing in the desert. easier to manipulate men when the god is female...

Takahashi: this whole field-working farmland stuff is like a live-action Attack on Titan...

Zardoz: don't enter me through my nose, it's rude. i have the common cold.

Arthur Frayn: you would kill God?

Zed: but you're not God, you're Arthur Frayn.

Arthur: get it? Arthur Frayn, Albert Einstein. Arthur Frayn like the frame of a man, like a computer frame at Fry's Electronics...

Zed: how does this flying stone head stay up in the air anyway?

Arthur: electric, no gas.

Zed: i'm not scared of you, the universe is a hologram operated by aliens.

Arthur Frayn: then who created the aliens? who is the aliens' God?

Zed: Fox Mulder.

Arthur: fox spirit, it's always that mischievous fox spirit.

 

Cardinal Navin from St. Cyril's: you know i really enjoy the philosophy in this film, this idea that gods are so BORED they have to do something DRASTIC.

Nietzsche: i shoulda gone to YOUR church more...

Melbourne: whoa, this storage room reminds me of MY storage room of Boxing Helena statues of Greek and Roman goddesses and gods armless with no fig leaf on white privates made of carved alabaster plaster...

May: you've somehow crossed over into The Vortex.

Zed: thank you, i am now at summer camp. i recognize that woman's hand holding that sword in that lake, what does that woman look like?

May, blushing: yes, my hair was the pattern for Princess Leia's Cinnabon hair...

Zed: hey can i just marry that naked Maid Marian over there side-saddling that horse and forego the rest of the movie?...

May, blushing: no, i'm not Hermione's mum...

Eye: oh i wanted to learn about the crops here from the narrator's voice. the potatoes and such. oh look, see that jack-in-the-box clown? with the red hair and blue freckles and skirt, that was EVERYBODY's jack-in-the-box clown in the '70s...

Jack from Jack In The Box: remember when Jack In The Box didn't have a smarmy spokeshead and was just a place for surfers? but now i'm a Flying Head...

Consuella: Consuella? am i a maid from Mexico?

May: more like a housekeeper from Spain.

Consuella: he's a good-looking bloke for a cocky bastard, that's a dangerous combination, he'll infect our pristine population. 

May: i want to conduct non-sexual scientific experiments on his body.

Friend: ironic, aye? i'm the friend you realize is your friend only when it's too late for you. i'm the one with the whip, you dumb ape. i'm gonna whip your buttocks all day long with this whip.

Zed: i feel that you got beat up a lot as a kid...

Consuella: science class, fellow gods. gather round, everyone, and learn.

Friend: gods can still learn?

Consuella: yeah it's like one of those Ancient Greek learning circles at the Parthenon. let me put this up on the overhead projector, now see, we know the biological processes involved in making a penis ejaculate cum. we know what leads to boner, but WHY does a man do this? is it out of love or fear? is he afraid of love? i mean it's the same feeling when he's being hanged and when he goes to war, so is a woman a war? is a woman a death sentence? sex and death, the man feels the same kind of excitement.

Zed, sweating: um.........i, uh, *GULP*.........i like you.........do you want to, um, go on a date with me?...

Consuella: where are my flowers and box of chocolates?

Rod Serling: every science-fiction story has its settlers using a BIG-ASS millstone to roll wheat into flour to make donuts...

Zed: a horse-and-carriage? i feel sorry for the horse who has to live here with you. what would happen if i murdered you in the middle of the night at a tavern?

Friend: strangely specific. i wouldn't die, i'd age.........which in Hollywood is WORSE...

enjoying an aperitif with the Apathetics.

Alex Trebek: none of these old people in this retirement home that looks like a going-out-of-business liquidation last day of a bar with silver tinsel would be so grumpy if they had signed up for Colonial Penn life insurance.

Rod Serling trapped inside a locked-up art gallery at midnight in Fresno: ... 

Friend: see that girl over there? i almost married that girl and got out of this movie.

Zed: see? that's what i'm talking about.

Jen Pizarro: that girl's your Jen P...

Zed: so you're saying that I, Sean Connery, in order to save the world, have to FUCK EVERY WOMAN HERE? i have to FUCK EVERY SINGLE FEMALE VILLAGER? in this barn. on this barnstraw here?

Friend: shhh, the trial's about to start. the Trial of the Century, and like O.J. i know the man on trial is guilty as sin, i can see it in his eyes.........also i can read his mind.

Zed: hey where do you get those snazzy glass diamond communicator rings?

Friend: i went to Jared. i know he's guilty but i'm gonna vote to acquit him cos i do the whole troll-the-world Trump thing, you know?

Zed: dusty library with carved Roman warnings, seems safe.

Laertus: okay John Boorman, that was very clever, i give you credit for this, i can't believe i held out THIS LONG!!! but only RIGHT NOW was the first time the reveal hit me, that Zardoz is Wizard of Oz. 

John Boorman: that's bonkers, mate!!!

Laertus: i know, right? nobody told me this secret till now. it's the same thing that happened to me with that scene from Alien, the alien popping out of that man's chest, i had no idea the robot was a robot...

Takahashi: okay now THIS is where I give John Boorman credit!!! the Ancient Greek longtable with the ivy and grape leaves hanging on the ceiling. see this could have been a COSTLY scene with special effects of blue lasers and Star Wars such. but it's all done in the mind, the participants literally use their FINGERS to show they have great power that's pulverizing poor Friend. they're all collectively giving Friend the Italian-tutting Malocchio jazz-hands curse. it's all done out of thin air, out of the aether, out of the imagination. it's very play-like.

John Boorman: yeah that scene really saved the budget.

Old Friend: i'm your old friend now, get it?

Zed: how do i cure you?

Friend: let's consult the old man on his deathbed, he's the one who monkeyed with everything and created everything. 

old man on deathbed's dying words: the Tabernacle. and i'm not even a priest.

Friend: we want to die!!! the only way to end humanity's suffering and overthrow the government is to DIE!!!

Zed: think about what you're saying, the only way to be free is not to have life. that can't be right...

Friend: WHOA!!! Sean Connery, the tough man from the Scottish Isles, in a wedding dress. are you sure this isn't emasculating you in a woke world?

Sean Connery: this reminds me of my wedding day when i wore a kilt...

Zed: shit there's an invisible barrier around this whole area like that one Outer Limits episode with Ryan Phillippe...

Zed: no i don't want to watch a microfiche on the History of the Automobile and how it was invented in Britain. when do you get to the flying cars? why haven't the gods invented the flying car yet?...

Friend: we have a minecart that goes down Mount Olympus...

at the library.

Zed: why are you trying to stab me in the back with a letter opener?

Consuella: i come after you before you come after me, i will NOT be slapped in the face or choked in the neck by Sean Connery...

Zed: Zardoz, explain these symptoms: i felt like i was going to die, my chest tightened up into stress strings all over my pectorals, lightning zigzags of shooting pain, stressmarks, streakmarks streaking everywhere, the dull pain, the dull ache of imminence, i thought i was gonna have a heart attack at any moment, i was scared to shower, i couldn't eat, i couldn't breathe, i am always short of breath even though i don't smoke. i can't sit down. side aches. dizziness, about to fall over. weariness. what is this? and can it be treated with medicine? house mold? is it a virulent strain of flu? do i use Tylenol? Mucinex? antibiotics stolen from my mom and wife? or is it just stress? was it a panic attack? Xanax is such an unmanly drug. do i resume my deep-breathing exercises? with Vanquish and ice packs? when this disease entered my lungs through my bearded throat it felt like a Scottish specter of malevolence, a spectre, a lock demon is inside my chest.

Zardoz: not permitted.

Zed: is it covid?

John McEnroe: i feel you, man...  

Tabernacle: see? AI is bad. AI makes you bored cos it does everything for you and turns humans into potted plants. get out there, get a religion, become a Mormon and sing your suffering.

Morning Meditations: not enough. you need to FUCK. not for procreation, for pleasure. remember, family is everything...

Pati Jinich: ...

at the circus.

Consuella: why do you sleep? you leave yourself in such a vulnerable position for your enemies to attack you.

Zed in a cage: you're right, it's a wonder why more people don't get killed in their sleep. i sleep to dream.

Consuella: what do you dream of?

Zed: you naked.........looking at me with those mean steely eyes of yours...

Zed: were humans meant to be happy?

God: no, humans were meant to be status-quo...

Zed: i blacked out there for a moment, did i impregnate you?

May: we'll settle it on Jerry...

Zed: what is the meaning of life?

God: all your shortcomings...

Zed: oh now i get it, it was the Reception Filter the whole time. you guys needed a better Oculus...

at the cave.

Consuella: so now that our teenage son has grown up and left the house, uh the cave, to go to college, our lives are worthless.

Zed: yeah let's just the two of us turn into skeletons.

Link: The Legend of Zelda: Gemshorn. right? that would have sold more units than kingdom tears. people would have been interested in and speculating online on how i managed to shave every single one of my curly pubic hairs with a rupee. to form my bald penis. g'night folks.

 

EYE LUGGAGE'S MOM: DARK TURKEY

 

Eye Luggage: where've you been, babe?

Laertus looks distracted but not perturbed. he has finally joined the goth gaggle at Sherman Oaks Galleria.

Laertus: oh, um.........well.........helping someone in crisis.

Eye: you?

Laertus, sweating: yes. always.........and HERE SHE IS NOW!!!

Eye: huh?

Julie Patzwald arrives late holding a black plastic lunchbox with the face of Pein from Naruto on the front.

Eye: Julie Patzwald, i'd like you to meet my adorable fiance Laertus...

Laertus: oh we've met.

Eye: i see.

Julie: it's not like that.

Julie Patzwald looks dazed. but dazed and calm, not dazed and agitated.

the entire glorious gaggle of goth hens are here, there's: Tida, Elion, Martenis, Arletty, Ayali, Matin, Aqeza, Adela, Augie, Belinda Post, Ixchel, Aidyl, and Valerian. all have black lunchpails, are slipped into black ballet slippers with a rusty penny in the loafer, and all wear pallid white makeup on their faces. Valerian hops around the red carpets of the mall in her giant space hopper with a 1910s Disney rabbit on the front. Valerian isn't really supposed to be doing that in the mall, it's against the law, but the mall cops don't give a shit.

Eye: alright girls, where first? birria for brunch?

Valerian: omg did you see that Avgolemono Arrowslit over there? that's the place for us!!!

Eye: they put the avgolemono in those cute paper saucer cups like high tea.

Julie: that Huarache shop we passed a floor below looked pretty rad but whatever.

Lucio Rossi: every time i see INCOMING CALL on my beloved green phone, i begin to cry Italian tears...

The Pope: i'm not religious but you gotta admit, getting dunked and baptized in the River Jordan as a tourist is pretty cool...

Rick Steves: look, the most important thing you could ever do when you're traveling abroad in the world is tuck my money belt inside your pants. you will NEVER get mugged...

Notre Dame: we're moving to Ireland and replacing the University of Dublin.........well and truly...

me: there's nothing worse than it's 8AM and you feel so exhausted you want to sleep overnight...

me: this is what i want to do with my life, scrape hardened egg pieces off my bowl...

Ferrari's harvesting lights: only blinking during the Halloween Race...

F1 car radio: Max Verstappen, are you.........Jesus?...

Max Verstappen: i mean.........i don't think so.........no...

chimney sweep: i like Jamie more than Flo. sorry. i'm not a chimney sweep, i'm not a fluffer, i'm the fuzzy-boom-mic man...

me: relaxed but awake, that's the perfect state to be in...

Codrus: don't get it twisted, people don't become monks for saintly reasons, they have bad home lives they're trying to escape.

Cotard: all the more reason to love them, brother.

Leslie Sbrocco: you want a simplified stuffed Thanksgiving? ask Morgan Bolling over to your Thanksgiving plate, nah mean?

Morgan Bolling: I'm a BBQ grilling expert.

Leslie Sbrocco: BBQ turkey, is that really a thing?

Mary Lou Retton: i am fascinated with water. i'm interested in Culligan water. reading about water. makes sense, water is melting ice...

Bob Barker: i never used my carnival barker's voice.........in public. i mean why didn't I star in Dances with Wolves? i am actually Lakota!!! Kevin Costner's a baseball player...

Julie exits Dark Turkey with the rest of the line of ladies in black of the night. all the girls hold in their skull-pinkie-ringed hand an Icee cup filled to the brim in delicious angelwing-shaped pieces of dark-meat turkey.

Julie: this is perfect for us. this turkey is so MOIST and juicy. it's so savory and WATERY, you know? they cook meat the BEST here, only in the mall will you get meat that tastes like THIS, can't do this in your home broiler. they cook it in those magic bubbles. brings back the sights and sounds of Thanksgiving all year round, i love Thanksgiving, i love hanging out with my family, i have a good home life. yeah, dark turkey is where it's at, white turkey just doesn't cut it, you know? white turkey ain't the same, white turkey ain't IT.

Valerian: white meat doesn't have skin, i like the SKIN of dark meat...

Valerian hops around and tries the Zuka Juice.

Eye Luggage: how's it taste, babe? does it taste like cloud drugs or the Uzumaki swirl?

Valerian: salty...

Julie: could be your drink is fine but you have covid. the covid void, can't taste nor smell. or you taste and smell FUNNY.

Valerian: thanks for adding that extra anxiety into my chest, now i'm more scared of that than death.

Julie: you need your chest to be more filled out to be a proper goth...

Minter: hey what do you call two monks?

Codrus: i don't get it.

Cotard: you never do, brother. what? what is it? what's the joke?

Minter: two monks are LONELY.........hi, my name's Minter, i'll be making your tight twosome a trippingly fun trio from now on. see me as your court comic relief, your monk jester...

the iconic Sherman Oaks Galleria white elevator ascends ever so slowly up its glass chute to the top floor of 10 and the glass roof.........THEN SUDDENLY IT COMES CRASHING DOWN THE CHUTE AT A SPEED OF 100 MPH!!!

the TERRIBLE CRUNCH DREDGE of noise makes Laertus's ears DEAD AND DEAF.

Laertus: my ears don't work anymore!!! i can't hear a THING!!!.........you know it's funny, i had forgotten about my hearing problem until now, my earwax, until THIS moment.

Eye Luggage: worry not, babe, my mom'll fix ya. she's got the cure no one touches.

Julie Patzwald: hey did you guys see that? no fatalities, no injured, no spilled drink cups, the day and everyone was saved, Superman swooped down at the last minute and picked up the speeding-down elevator, no glass shattered. it was a sonic boom. that was wild, man, that was wild. it happened in a split second, like a flash in the chute. like a speeding goth bullet. so nobody else saw this?...

nobody else saw this.

everyone just goes back to milling around the food court...

SECRET CAMP DAVID ROMANCE

 

notes:

* Camp David: the lush foresty woodsy scenic atmosphere, perfect for secret love stories, clandestine encounters, between Heads of State. Head head. leaf lust. between a lot of ferns. and a LONG country walk on the hidden trail after the love. that's how unusual peace treaties get signed. it's the perfect getaway shack cos nobody knows EXACTLY where it's located...

* Camp David: and it's a GREAT place to play Live-Action Clue...

* Jen R: Camp David is so picturesque that it behooves us to do nothing but make love there.

me: spoken like a true politician. yeah, it's in Maryland, and Maryland CLEARLY is For Lovers.

* Goldfish Cub: when you eat a handful of Goldfish crackers whilst parachuting off a helicopter into the icy depths of the ocean below drinking an Icee...

* Rafael Nadal: my name is Rafael Nadal. i will do your title Subway commercial. but I will NOT glorify your Pickleball Club submarine sandwich...

* Pee-wee Herman: why do all farmers have on their porch a LONG porch swing that seats 100 people?

Farmer Brown: we're all fans of 1910 Our Gang: Little Rascals film reels. every house back then had a porch swing...

* Lindy Lenz: still feeling low, Luke?

Luke Russert: yeah.

Lindy: what will cheer you up?

Luke: Disneyland, the Happiest Place on Earth.

Lindy: here.

Lindy hands Luke a Churro KitKat.

Luke: oh. i mean it's not really the same. but thanks. thanks for thinking of me.........you take it up to the counter, i can't deal with Mr. Money Magically Missing Ringer Clerk no more...

* Jen R and i are in the college parking lot.

Jen R: SEE?!!! now see HER?!!! THAT's what i'm talking about, a tiny 90-year-old Asian woman gets out of her silver Nissan Sentra with two good legs. she drove here herself. she even has an Autobot sticker on her gas gauge!!!

me: i guarantee she's a professor of botany...

* Seb Korda: i am the lead singer of the band The Midnight...

* Suzy Lu: i have the only Slipknot sweater in existence...

* me: check your mailbox.

Jen R: my email?

me: no, your actual physical mailbox.

Jen R: it's back at the motel.........OH CUTE!!!

me: it's a Nine Inch Nails pink sweater...

* Natasha Lyonne for Old Navy: nice pants? i think you mean nice ass...

* Diane Salinger: how are you enjoying my manse and its hidden corridors?

Pee-wee Herman you're a good tour guide.

Diane Salinger: my leather flying helmet collection has but 2: the one when i play Amelia Earhart and the one when i try out for the football team...

Pee-wee: and the one when you get rye caught in your teeth...

* Iowa Skinny: shoestring popcorn...

Mother Brain: if you eat a fried brain sandwich, you will fry your brain...

* St. Paul Sandwich: no, not four pickles!!! you know better, man!!!

* Stanford from Sex and the City: wait, so all monks are gay?...

Codrus: all Shinto monks, right?

Cotard: no, no that can't be right...

* royal progress: when Meghan Markle becomes Queen...

* Metro by T-Mobile.

Samantha Aolani Wimmer-Duran: now that's a name.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: yadda yadda yadda. just get me a cucumber water.

* Simu Liu: it wasn't all bad being an accountant. now i can count all my movie-star money...

Suzy Lu: i WISH i was related to Simu Liu...

* Volkswagen Atlas carpool chaos.

let's go, they're doing the Almost Famous sequel entitled Famous.

Beethoven wrote a symphony for the flugelhorn.

when does a kraken become an octopus? with a family's love.

daughter: these are the soccer uniforms?

mom: yes, they're tutus, coach wants to mold you into young women.

* Travis Kelce: fire hazard with the fireplace in the locker room. when does a Jets fan cry? always cos he's a clown. i mean that he wears the clown makeup, he hides his tears. what's your password?

man: your last name.

Travis: it's spelled KelSee.

* Progressive.

man: i can't sleep.

wife: sleep apnea.

daughter: i want a pony.

grandma: relax by knitting. knit Jamie's face on your toilet seat.

Flo: so now i gotta advertise those Scrub Bubbles in the toilet?

Pee-wee Herman: talking chair, those were the days. so Pee-wee-y.

* KFC: no chickens allowed at school...

CLICK HERE FOR A HEALING

happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: Taco Bell does dipping Cubans...

 

PEE-WEE'S BIG HOLIDAY: PEE-WEE HERMAN BECOMES A MAN

 

Lindy Lenz: Luke, where have you been, dude?

Luke Russert: yeah i don't wanna talk about it.........i've done so many things, been to so many wheres, places galore. in pursuit of love. i thought i had it this time, i thought i had her this time.........but.........that was a lot of work this time.........yeah i don't wanna talk about it.

me: you were gone for like five weeks. where's Tai?

Luke: yeah i don't wanna talk about it. i'm really down in the dumps, guys. i can barely move. the sky is grey but not in the good way.

Lindy: okay Luke we're sorry, we'll let you go. but with us, not alone. you're going through some things. how shall we cheer you up? do you want a platonic friend hug from me?

me: your choice. where do you want to go? anywhere in the world...

Luke: Smart & Final. cos i always feel like a college student after i shop there. and i need closure.

Luke sullenly suddenly vanishes as we enter the unique grocery store.

Lindy: oh shit we better hunt for him, we don't want him disappearing from us again for five weeks in his condition.

Luke: fear not, fellow trodden travelers, i'm here in the nachos section. 

Luke places a paper tray filled to the brim with nachos and cheese on the conveyor belt.

clerk: how do i know the price of this? 

Luke: the UPC zebra square is inside the nachos.

the clerk pokes his finger into the hot melty cheese.

clerk: FUCK THIS BURNED ME!!! next time i'm using my gun, my red scanner gun.

Lindy: bro this is William the Red, you love William the Red, this ain't that other clerk.

Luke: sorry bro, i'm distanced, distracted, bad breakup. like REALLY bad breakup. all red love for the ginger. all that bubbling nacho cheese reminds me of Tai's hair!!! and her temper. have you ever seen a BIG man cry? the tears are like a bearhug. i also cry cos my dad is gone, i can't tell him things anymore, i can't talk to him about these things, about Tai and Florida and miniature whiteboards. sorry, i got some of my mucus on the conveyor belt...

Lindy sits Luke down at the frozen aisle.

Lindy: look around you, Luke, witness the GLORY of this grocery store!!! the flowing rainbow-colored banners of the new Monopoly game here!!!

Luke, sourly: eh, they're just copying Mcdonald's. there's nothing new anymore in the world. except me finding love.

Lindy shuttles Luke over to the cereal aisle.

Lindy: Luke, LOOK!!! ICEE CEREAL!!! we're talking about Icee cereal, man!!! this is the MOTHERLODE!!! it doesn't GET any better than Icee cereal!!! 

Lindy opens a box.

Lindy: look see here, smell it.

Luke: yeah, i smell the COLD of it.

Lindy: right? i opened the box just now and you felt a DRAFT. put these Icee cereal balls in a bowl with milk and put ice cubes in the milk and it's like you're slurping the real thing at the mall!!!

Luke: but Gene Simmons is more successful with women than me.

Lindy: you'll see, Luke, you'll get a sign on your way home.

Luke exits Smart & Final and bumps right into the wet nose of a GORGEOUS GIANT of a Golden Retriever. the dog licks Luke's nose.

Lindy: see? told ya. animals can sense another animal's pain. a dog can discern another creation's grief.

Luke starts bawling his eyes out red.

Luke: i can't. all this dog's long flowing golden hair reminds me of Tai's long flowing blonde hair!!!

Lindy: how'd you get here, boy? i don't see your leash.

Golden Retriever: i walked. you think wet dog is bad, i have to smell wet Florida Man. 

on the way to the motel Luke trips over a golden-monarch butterfly who flies and lands perched perfectly on the Golden Retriever's nose...

Jen R and i are scouting colleges in the Maryland area. we come to the office bookshop of a very famous particular Baltimore institute of higher learning.

Jen R: u mad? sorry, had to. to all my cheesebros in Wisconsin. college tour!!! exciting. doesn't it feel like freedom?

me: no it's just more work.

Jen R: remember, learn from my life experience. go to the art institute, not the art department of the institution of research education. 

me: do i seem desperate to you?

Jen R: yes.

me: good. that's what i was going for. cos i am. i am DESPERATE to lock in your love for life. so in order to cure your Sjogren's i'm gonna have to enroll in medical school here. my mom will be happy with you. gotta say i never thought i'd return to school at all much less to go to medical school...

Jen R: shouldn't be too hard. you got a scholarship, right? it'll only take about 16 years.

Jen R: aw man trodding my old haunts around here really brings back the memories. carrying the empties in my hobo satchel. to pay for my scholarship i was a nude model for art classes here.

me: undergraduates? 

Jen R: of course. i never had the art school experience, others had the art school experience, I was THEIR art school experience!!! 

i suddenly pick Jen R up, spin her around like Mary Tyler Moore, and hug her passionately.

me: i can't live without you.

after placing Jen R down she smiles a happy face and does a jig around the bookstore like a bag lady. 

Jen R: see?!!! i KNEW you'd bring the hope this week. 

Jen R nudges my elbows with her pointy 2 fingers.

Jen R: nudge nudes. hey hey, look at me, when i smile like this do i look like one of your favorite anime characters? 

me: eerily so.

Jen R: you know, youth is wasted on the young but not in the way you think. the best part about being young is being HEALTHY. PHYSICALLY healthy...

me: picture us as a couple 10 years ago. we're Fry and Leela just chilling in my apartment at Robot Arms. you've decided to try me finally and move in with me for the first time. it's not a sex thing, we play Professor HJ Farnsworth Parcheesi at night on the bed. a bed with no sheets and a fire-glazed jar of molten fondue cheese in the center wet spot. we share a hologram toothbrush. the future, both meanings, is bright. we're just two rocket people living together, just starting out...

Chemical Brothers: we gotta get all these beats out there, all our beats, before our brains turn off, twitch sideways, and shut down. before the ketamine kicks in. before we're not of sound mind anymore...

Lauren Davis: if Shailene Woodley played tennis...

Aaron Rodgers: now THAT is short...

Souvla: it means spit in Greek. is that the best name for a restaurant?...

Walmart: yes, we're gonna use one whole post to advertise THAT ONE bottle of Catalina salad dressing you may have been thinking about in an email...

skip loader: Skippy from Family Ties is finally getting his own show...

Signal Hill, CA: the Great Gatsby fog-harbor glowing green lantern light.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: i will never choose the AI Power Boost...

Seattle Mariners: we're winning the World Series this year for Kurt Cobain!!! 

Seattle Mariners: we will grant the wish of all Americans and make sure the Astros win NOTHING...

Prigozhin: i mean next time i'm really going for it. my mother always told me, "Lil Pri, Zhinny, if you're gonna coup, really go THROUGH with the coup..."

Prigozhin: and next time i'm flying Delta...

Eye Luggage: Pee-wee's Big Holiday and go.

Pee-wee Herman: see that top pic up there? that wasn't in the movie. that would've been AWESOME as the final scene: Joe comes out in a Pee-wee suit to PROVE he's my best friend for life...

E.T.: okay this opening scene is HILARIOUS.

Steven Spielberg: Pee-wee has more emotion here than Elliott, sorry. Dee the mother cried better than the boy...

Mac and Me alien: i can't help but think as i sit down on my couch and watch this, Mac and Me could have been so much more heartfelt like this...

Pee-wee: wait, my alien is sticking two McDonald's french fries in his nose. 

Pee-wee through tears: what was the best part of Earth for you?

alien, through tears: no taxes.

Pee-wee Herman: Fairville? but where is my house? where's the Pee-wee's Playhouse house!!!?

Hugh Hefner: Pee-wee, we need to talk...

me: okay if i could have learned to drive in that cherry-red MINIATURE Cadillac car Pee-wee drives around the block, even I wouldn't be scared anymore. those cars are COOL.........Melbourne!!!

Melbourne: ...

me: it's what you imagine when you're a kid and you dream about being able to shrink down and drive your Matchbox car.

Melbourne: to school. my school was built on a loop...

Pee-wee: fuck the Car Show. fuck Car Week.

woman: Pee-wee, wanna be my steady boyfriend?

Pee-wee: um, i'm asexual.

woman: this breaks my heart. and tugs at my soul. i had it all set up, we were gonna get married in the town library.

Pee-wee: i know you are not what am i? i don't read books, i'm not a NERD!!! although you kinda look like Penny, my Claymation creation not in this movie...

Lynne Marie Stewart: hey wait a minute, i can't find me in this movie. where was i? i'm obviously not Miss Yvonne anymore, with my finery and linens, i'm a boy named Jimmy?...

Pee-wee: you guys really piss me off, you know that?!!! first of all you get to wear those cool cream vests. 

band members; but Pee-wee, we only have one song, we play the same song over and over for a hour at our concerts. and we have football practice.

Pee-wee: you think i give two shits about football? 

band members: please don't throw that pot at our heads again. but Pee-wee, you're living the dream, you work at a diner like SpongeBob in real life.

Pee-wee: i ALMOST got a contract with Nickelodeon. 

Ariana Grande: i secretly shadowbanned you from the company because i am DEEPLY sexually attracted to you, Pee-wee Herman.

Pee-wee: connect the dots, la la la la.

old lady: that connects to my death.

Pee-wee: why do old ladies love candy so much?

old lady: cos we don't have much time left, this is our last sugar. what kind of fucking candy you SLURP WITH A STRAW?!!! this root-beer barrel candy is reminding me of a hospital, fuck that. 

Pee-wee: WHOA!!! JOE MANGANIELLO IS HOT!!! look at that stud strut in here inside my little old fainting-vapors diner lookin' like a tall Aaron Rodgers or tasty Nic Cage or someshit.

Joe Manganiello flipping a menu, spinning a menu on this jeaned butt: what do you recommend?

Pee-wee: i'm gay. i'm queer.

Joe: i know. so am i. but what do you recommend? the milkshake perhaps?

Pee-wee: my milkshake brings all the guys to the yard, hee hee haha. i'm rubber you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

Joe: um, yes, i used to work hardhat construction. i glued my hard hat to a steel beam, on the 100th story of a skeletal building for kicks... 

Joe:  you know how famous i am? actors are the most famous people in the world, more than popes.

Pee-wee: don't worry, you'll make it in Hollywood some day. look at me, i made it and it killed me. 

Joe: wanna take a selfie?

Pee-wee: i don't do that stuff anymore.

Joe: i wanna take a picture of your scale model of the Fairville town and the tree there of us taking a selfie, very Playmobil. except you didn't capture my vampire ears...

Pee-wee: what does Sofia Vergara's true blood taste like?...

Joe: you gotta get out more, Pee-wee. wanna see a movie?

Pee-wee: not in a theater tho. let's just Netflix something...

Pee-wee: oh no, if we're going on a road trip, i ain't traveling in no sidecar, i'm riding bitch on ONE motorized scooter, pal.

Joe: do you know where New York City is?

Pee-wee: yes but what's a birthday party?

Pee-wee: i'm gonna have sex dreams about you every night you're gone from me, Joe Manganiello.

Joe: those slow-motion Born on the Fourth of July fireworks, right? with the Spanish subtitles? i have the same dreams.

Pee-wee: i wish there would be a SIGN dropped on this neighborhood street where i live to point me in the right direction.........like an apple for Big Apple or something...

me: see? life would be so much easier if we were given actual SIGNS, like an acorn would drop on our lap to tell us which direction to take, which job to take, which woman to marry, which forked railroad to build.

Mardith: manifesting works, right? i mean it worked for Chloe Melas...

Emilie Ikeda: ...

Pee-wee: oh this is the best. my first time in the big city and i'm driving down this dusty trail with one stoplight and one horse on wheels. a rocking horse. and there are three babes robbing a bank and they're carrying those CARTOON MONEYBAGS. hello, Tits. i mean Toots. i'll be your getaway car, get in!!!

Jessica Pohly: not funny. i have acting ability. i went to Cal Poly. does pepper make you sneeze forever?...

Stephanie Beatriz: my Andy...

Pee-wee: stop right there!!! Andy Kaufman is a dillweed. okay Alia Shawkat, turn around and let me get a look at you, girl. do a few TWIRLS in that white fuzzy chamois sea-urchin Mae West life-vest muffin top you got on there. okay okay i see it, you got a BODY on you, you got body, i can see why Johnny Depp went for you. and you got that cute scrunched-nose Meg Ryan face with the freckles.

Stephanie Beatriz: which is ironic cos I am named Freckles...

Alia Shawkat: Pee-wee, MY name is Pee-wee, too.

Pee-wee: Pee-wee as a girl's name is WEIRD.

Alia lightly punching Pee-wee's face:  take the knife out of this Dear John letter i wrote you and get yourself something nice, kid. can we borrow your Lupin Fiat 600 for the rest of the movie?...

Pee-wee: i can't believe i got my car stolen!!! what is this, Car Week?!!!

me: Connie, a beautiful name for a car and my mom...

traveling salesman: let's travel on the open road together. i'm gonna put this plastic poo on the roof of my car to scare passing drivers.

Pee-wee: maybe instead put plastic grocery bags filled with plastic food on your car roof, that'd be funnier and not disgusting.

Luke Russert: don't do the poo.

Pee-wee: so how was John Candy to work with?

salesman: nicest salesman i ever worked with. shame about his wife. did you know John Candy hated candy?...

salesman: omg this is HILARIOUS. don't you love my little car-window Venetian blind? 

Pee-wee: don't speak Spanish to them, it's tacky. you know if you did this in 2023, tricking people like this on the highway, you would be road-raged gunned down with a rifle instantly.

Pee-wee: this dinosaur park is LAME. 

salesman: it's not a dinosaur park, it's a spa. that's not green swampwater...

Pee-wee: i saw Tupac's hologram in there...

salesman: i mean it's KINDA a dinosaur park if you believe snakes evolved from dinosaurs. or the other way around. in any case they're rubber snakes so Darwin is Amish-beard goals.

Charles Darwin: winning!!! look at the skull on me!!! i got a GIANT smart head!!!

Pee-wee: um no, i could never be Amish, Jebediah. i like using the telephone too much. and now this balloon bit will go on for 15 minutes in front of your Amish children.

Amish community: that's okay, we got time.........how do you make a fully-formed fully-fleshed-out coherent song out of balloon squeaks?

Pee-wee: okay everyone, every Amish one, gather round and let's film that Skip-It commercial...

Pee-wee: are you trying to recruit me into the cult of a new religion?

Amish: Amish ain't that bad.

Pee-wee: Andy Kaufman tried to cult me into Transcendental Meditation but i rejected all those beneficial teachings cos i hate him. i could have used those relaxation techniques.

Amish: what's your religion?

Pee-wee: Mormon. I'm in the Tabernacle Choir.

Pee-wee: from Jebediah to another farmer. why do all farmers have daughters? 

Farmer Brown from his porch: hi.

Pee-wee: the bacon guy?

Farmer Brown: one and the same. don't mind the rifle next to me. 

Pee-wee: why did you create 50 daughters?

Farmer Brown: i'm overcompensating for being Amish.

Farmer Brown: come on, Pee-wee, the Slim Jim and Apple battery money ain't gonna last me forever...

Farmer Brown: at least marry the fat one, Pee-wee, my fat daughter has big tits. i rented out the Jon Secada church for one afternoon only...

Pee-wee: hey hey, do you recognize me in this disguise?

Farmer Brown: yes. who are you supposed to be?

Pee-wee: Clint Eastwood but from Cuba. John Wayne but from Mexico. Clark Kent, i'm disguised as Clark Kent...

Pee-wee: i love you hairdressers. a hairdresser convention in Georgia, that was when America was good, when America was Mecca, when i could still stand up and salute the flag and say the Pledge of Allegiance. when we all learned our geography with a map of America shaved into a gay black man's afro. that is love. remember when conventions were a big thing? going to a convention in an RV. let me slide across the silver-beam tray of this breakfast bar at this Holiday Inn, i get nostalgic and misty-eyed when i pass the French toast and fruit.

hairdressers: have hope, Pee-wee. you taught us all how to make French toast. you married fruit salad, that was the pivotal first step to us getting equal rights. have hope, Pee-wee, The Jennifer Hudson Show is on its way...

Diane Salinger: wanna go to the circus? wanna fly to the circus? only a gutsy brassy broad like me can drive the first flying car. cars are for dames. i'm the type of grandma who DOESN'T pass out candy. i LIVED The Rocketeer!!! i fucked the Red Baron as a spy, he was so distracted the Allies won the war. 

Pee-wee: you wouldn't happen to have pennies for eyes, woulda?

Diane: here take the plane wheel, sorry for my scarf tails slapping you in the face. i'm ejecting, i have an afternoon tea with Hugh "High" Hefner...

Grizzly Bear Daniels: wanna see my Hot Tub Time Machine? it's in my cave. 

Pee-wee: why do you live in a cave if you're not a monk?...

Pee-wee: do you know how expensive a horse and buggy is? especially a horse that talks?

Pepper: we can always get another one of those from Violetta Laze the fourth member of our group. only the Amish have hereditary immunity from murder hornets... 

Pee-wee: i've never tried pizza before.

New York pizza guy: stop bullshitting the general populace, bugsy. i saw yous, i saw you in that one episode of Pee-wee's Playhouse eating pizza, you mook. don't lie, don't lie.

Pee-wee: how do you eat New York pizza?

New York pizza guy: fold it. if you use a knife and fork i swear to God i'll put a mob hit out on you and your pointy head.

Alia Shawkat: can i plant a platonic kiss on your lips?

Pee-wee: that was like kissing my sister. savor our kiss, my kiss is the last kiss you'll have as you go to prison forever...

Joe: i throw this glitz-n-glam big sky-shindig New York City party EXPRESSLY so Pee-wee would come. i don't care about any of my over 800 party guests in my high-rise down below.

Nicole Sullivan: do you care about me, your wife?...

Thea Andrews: oh my god remember ME?!!! i was EVERYWHERE ON ESPN in, like, 2006 or something. Cold Pizza, remember Cold Pizza?!!! it was the Summer of Thea, all those horse races...

David Arquette: i am randomly in this movie. and as a DJ. for some reason...

Janina Gavankar: why isn't there a Star Wars series on Disney with the main character being Luke Skywalker's sister?...

Joe: i know how i'll get Pee-wee out of the well. it's all about magnets. i need Lassie to help me, Pee-wee is allergic to dogs so he'll SNEEZE his way out of the manhole when his nose first encounters and comes into contact with wet Lassie dog...

Police Captain: sounds like a Night Court case...

Pee-wee: you're MY manhole, Joe.

Joe: what's this?

Pee-wee: a lanyard. i never went to camp.

Pee-wee, blushingly: you know, Joe, i feel so safe in your big arms. when you cuddle me in your big bicep arms i'm your kitten. i feel so snug. is this what riding off into the sunset feels like?

Joe: let's kiss on the mouth and get married.

Pee-wee: what do you call this, Joe?

Joe Manganiello: your happy ending.

Pee-wee: it's called a garnish, all you diner numbnuts. you don't eat it, you plant it like a tree.

Laertus: okay i gotta say, Diane Salinger and Grizzly Bear Daniels naked in the hot tub together, that's a mate, a match, a great pairing, that's OTP. 

Eye Luggage: yeah. they're both loners, they're gonna make it. those two crazy kids were made for each other. 

Paul Reubens: hey guys, don't worry. i'm here. i'm still here. it was all a bad acid trip. the type of acid trip you experienced every Saturday morning on Pee-wee's Playhouse. i'm not dead, i'm still alive, traveling the world somewhere. till i see you again. i'll see you real soon. g'night folks.