Luke Russert continues crying by the tall sagebrush.
Luke Russert: this sagebrush is so tall. it's so spiky, it's so full of life, it sheens with my teeth as a mirror. i can see all the little jackrabbits and grey female bunny rabbits i couldn't before!!! they've all come back to the creek cos they see this is viable land to raise a family!!! before when i walked this trail it was a dirt road with open space on all sides at all angles, nothing was growing. i HATE sky!!!
Tim Russert: i hate seeing sky, too, son. and i hate Disney animals, i only like their creatures. the only thing i like about sagebrush is the sarsaparilla sassafras root you can brew between your teeth when you drink herbal beer.
Suzy Lu and Kakashi at the restaurant.
Suzy Lu: ready, Kakashi?
Kakashi tales a FULL LUNGE OF A KICK right into the chef's gob. right into his mouth cavity flattening his nose and cheeks.
Dan Souza: thanks. i needed that. no, don't help me up, i want to lie supine on the dirty floor here for 30 minutes to recover. don't tell Gareth Blackstock but his crayfish pet is here, living here in that corner comfortably.
Suzy: i know how you feel, Dan, we both got gargantuan MOUTH PROBLEMS, but it's all fixed now. and without expensive dental surgery i might add.
me: so Jen.
Lindy Lenz: yeah.
me: Jen R. there she was by the pool in another Instagram pic literally shoving her massive mouthwatering cantaloupe-sized tits right in the viewer's face, right eye-level with the viewer's mouth. i want to suck all the seedy cantaloupe juice out of those tits.
Jen R: actually it's by the beach, remember? i'm the queen of riptides.
Lindy: i mean cantaloupe is about regular normal size. not watermelon-sized tits or anything.
me: and i go, "i know you're married but can we JUST GO ON ONE DATE?"
Lindy: reasonable.
Jen R: i mean sure i'd like to, it would be nice to fuck you. but what do you want me to say? i'm married, you know?
America's Test Kitchen: the episode is just about to end, QUICK!!! SAY SOMETHING WITTY AS WE FADE TO BLACK...
Sara Little Turnbull: i was Sunset Blvd and Grey Gardens, but i did great good in the world. i imbued society with art, culture, design, education, construction, and long outdoor halls. i come from old Indian money, i come from Ancient Native American banknotes. i poured my considerable wealth into grants, not gold. my mask saved you. my spacesuit WILL save you. President Nixon broke into my apartment...
Nixon smiling showing his teeth: ...and i stole your Pepsodent.
Leslie Sbrocco: bumpy pickles? yeah, they're pickles, dumbass. oh no, PBS, oh no, you're not putting the Taste This title over my chest at the start of the show's theme song. we are so goofy, ever notice that? this whole show, me, all my guests, regular Bay Area denizens not professional taste-testers, we're all so GOOFY. i was BORN a milf...
Laertus's dad: yeah, going to watch Monster Jam at the Salinas Sports Complex, that's a good way to spend Father's Day...
stone throne: where Shaggy keeps his stash of organic pot.
John Muir: time for a mature nature hike...
Jack Smith: what's Charles Barkley doing here?
Charles Barkley: um.........your rectangular plastic bag...
Jack Smith: this isn't a Subway commercial.
Klay Thompson: can i FINALLY film my Subway commercial?!!!
Peyton Manning: ...
Charles Barkley: shut up, Peyton, don't call me Barky. hey Peyton, take a hike, man, take a nature walk...
Novak Djokovic: so Jokic is the new Joker? what is that CONTINUOUS SOUND at the French Open? it sounds like a man, perhaps a goat farmer, a goat herder from the Enigma "Return to Innocence" video, he's hollering from the low register of his voice to his high register, one loud scaling yodel, it's fucking annoying.
DP World Tour: it's a double penetration for sure, but it's not porn. golf enters its new frontier where all you see in all directions is green...
the band Boston: Earth course, not the same as the EarthShip...
BMX flatland: dancing with your dance partner your bicycle in a ballroom...
Schuch: the original Geppetto. the one who looks at you by making shoe contact...
Blahaj: the original plush mascot of the Jaws franchise to skirt that dreaded PG-13 Rating. this actually makes sense, unlike the weighted blanket and the Snuggie...
Blahaj: i'm a soft shark who navigates the choppy waters of hard feelings. stuff me with your dark emotion. hug the pain away. i bite you to relieve your stress. cuddle for care not cure.
Old Course at St Andrews: would you rather be a golfer or an archer? which makes you more manly? no, i mean Scottish-manly? which lands you Maid Marian? St Andrews, no dot, no apostrophe...
James Bond: FINALLY the Aston Martin Bulldog is ready. flying around in that jetpack for 40 years SUCKED. as this is a real DeLorean time machine, i shall take it back in time to when my hair was brown...
coyote pupping season: if you see one, make yourself bigger to scare it off.
Dirg: story of my life...
Heather Kunen: if Melissa Maker were a dentist...
Chelsy Davy: i love seeing my man on the witness stand!!! i mean Royal history and everything. it's good to know that if it weren't for the British press the world would have no idea who Meghan Markle is...
estrous cycle: like everything in life, heat is a cycle, like life and death are a cycle...
sistance: a sister's assistance
Eye Luggage: The NeverEnding Story 3 and go.
Dirg: alright alright alright let's FINALLY settle the debate, the ONE burning question that's been on everyone's mind since the beginning. of time. who's the hottest Childlike Empress?
Julie Cox: ...
Alexandra Johnes: i mean it's probably not me.........i'm just the female form of John...
Wolfgang Petersen: MY Childlike Empress obviously. because i actually read the books and made her innocent unlike the other two jaded Hollywood actresses just looking to cash in for a quick buck. this was my first English film, pretty good, huh?
Wolfgang Petersen: you think all i do all day is hang around my cottage in the German woods eating silver cans of Wolfgang Puck garden-vegetable soup with silver mushrooms, right? know why the cans are silver? cos i peel the labels off...
Eye: this movie is called BOTH Escape from Fantasia AND Return to Fantasia...
Vinnie Barbarino doing the Macaulay Culkin face: i'm so confused!!!
Laertus: i know. i mean, which is it? you can't have it both ways. unless it's an infinite time loop. which it is. Fantasians are people, too, they don't like that term fantasian cos it implies they're not real...
Jason James Richter: what am i doing now? eating whale tuna, is that what you wanted to hear? i dunno, i was Peter Pan, too, at some point. i wish i could fly out of my life. i mean OBVIOUSLY i'm in a band now with Barret Oliver.
Barret Oliver: we play out of my photography studio which is a garage. we were the original Atreyu. that's where the whole Auryn thing comes from, from the band Atreyu...
Jason: yeah sometimes we play ski lifts...
Melody Kay: i HAD to have played Pippi Longstocking in something, look at my freckles...
Jack Black: i was in this? really?
Jennifer Pizarro: your name is Slip?...
Jack Black: this is embarrassing to watch, i don't play BAD well, i play bad badly, i don't make a sincere believable VILLAIN, i'm too nice, i'm too funny, i'm too GOOFY. everything comes funny for me, everything's a joke to me, i take nothing seriously. how can i portray a BULLY?!!! i love everybody, i love the world, i love the milk of humanity, i love all humans...
Fantasians: what about us, tho?
Coreander: that's Koreander. i ain't no spice.
Tracey Ellis: two words, Star Trek. you know me, you know me...
Takahashi: i wanted to fuck your nose...
Tracey Ellis: say what now?
Takahashi: on that Star Trek show, you made for an irresistible alien milf with teddy-bear hair...
Moya Brady: speaking of men wanting to fuck my nose my whole life...
Tony Robinson: self-help seminar? that's all bollocks. Engywook? what kind of Star Wars ripoff shit is that? i actually LOVED Moya Brady, i loved working with her, it's this shit movie that makes me out like i'm the bad guy, like i'm the Fred Mertz of the film...
Laertus's dad hugs Tony Robinson.
Laertus's dad; family, aye, Tony? it's good to be alive, it's good to be healthy for your kids. your kids will always be your best friends, especially during the rocky times, get it? go on, romanticize family, you can't romanticize sex...
Ryan Bollman: i resent being called Dog.
Michael Jackson: call him Girl.
Ryan Bollman: i would be LOST without Skull from Bulk and Skull guiding my life, Skull is my mentor, Skull is my life coach.
Jason Narvy: i couldn't save Jason David Frank and that is not gnarly. in tribute i will now be playing the Green Ranger...
Nicole Parker: not THAT Nicole Parker, the MADtv Nicole Parker.........whatever happened to Nicole Parker anyway? i'm the Merida Nicole Parker, the one from Mexico...
Nicole Parker: i shoulda done SNL instead.........despite all the backbiting backstage...
Mac McDonald: Mrs. Rockbiter has that smoky female voice that sounds male...
Ronald McDonald: it's strange how you did a spot for Burger King.
Mac McDonald: i saw you on a porn set naked wearing only one oversize big red clown shoe doing a disrobed Wendy with the aid of hamburger grease.
Ronald: the square hamburger grease slides in the corners better.
Jonathan Brandis in the St. Cyril's of Jerusalem music room: "The Neverending Story," remember the theme song? we all sang it at school in the choir. let's everyone sing it now as a round, one two three, The Neverending Story/ Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh...
Wolfgang Petersen: DESIST!!! that song is copyrighted. by ME. remember, i did the GOOD movie. that song was a CLASSIC, it was symphonic and harmonic. and full of cinematic cymbals and fantasy faun panpipes. the song can only now be a sped-up Vaporwave version for the '90s sung by Groove Collective...
Roger Ebert: this movie was a very entertaining episode of Saved by the Bell...
Old Man of Wandering Mountain: i played golf first. this isn't the Jesus parable, it's more like Superman Fortress of Solitude Otter Ice Pops.
Bastian Balthazar Bux: i'm 13 and i'm a senior in high school?
black-garb bullies quintet: this gang makes no sense, you can't be BOTH a goth AND a bully.
Bastian: you're making fun of my name wrong, why are you harping on the Balthazar bit? Bastian is such a GRAND name, it reeks of a little boy with a Dutchboy haircut in blue overalls coming for supper in his highchair on Thanksgiving afternoon, his face glistening and shiny with brown turkey sauce all over his cheeks. and Bux, don't get me started on Bux. Bux is the porn name, Bucks is the cartoon name...
Richie Rich: my dad bought your mom.
Jack Black: okay i'll call you Bastian Balthazar Butt. no that's just dumb. Triple B? that's a cool basketball name. i'll call you Bastian Balthazar Buxom cos you got a buxom butt.
Bastian: dad, will this one work out?
Barney: don't call women that, Bastian, divorce is hard for all of us.
Bastian: how do you think Tarzan's gonna react when he finds out a purple dinosaur's fucking his wife?
Melody Kay: you're weird.
Bastian: no, all the skateboarders have this hairstyle.
Melody: look, i don't buy your New Age crystals shit. i'm not into your hippie orifices, holes, and portals. dimension my dingleberry. now take this cardboard box with the globe beachball back to Kyrie Irving.
Bastian: give it time, it's early days yet, in the '00s you WILL be a New Age hippie when the world doesn't end...
Melody Kay: i'm lost in life but i play my acoustic guitar at night to keep me sane, next to a nightstand photo of me and my dad and my cake when it was just the two of us, less complicated, less love.
Bastian: come to Fantasia with me.
Melody: you really expect me to believe in Fantasia?
Bastian: why not?
Melody: i believe in Fantasia, what i don't believe is that a girl over there likes you. no girl could possibly like you, you smell like a whale.
Laertus's dad: i can't hate, this school library is COOL-looking. i wish i had a library like this at my school. Catholic bullies get away with anything.
Bastian: can i hide in here from the bullies?
Coriander: no you may not, young man, this is a place of finance. the business of books.........Bastian? is that really you? what the FUCK happened to you, boy? why do you look so DIFFERENT?!!!
Bastian: long story. i didn't like who i was becoming during my second adventure so i killed that person. but i couldn't return to the original me cos you can't live in the past, you know?...
Bastian: the NeverEnding Story is a reference book now? it's a dictionary?
Coriander: of course, your story never ends, that's the point of this whole thing. just don't talk anymore, the whole thing where as you talk the words get writen in the Book and that becomes what you do next GETS OLD FAST.
Bastian: stop talking, got it. fate isn't determinative, you know...
Bastian: scanning the shelf i see Cook's Illustrated the magazine in book form, that's always appreciated. and hey you still have TREASURE ISLAND in the stacks!!! stuck on the shelf. can i check it out?
Coriander: you're already checking it out, you're reading it.
Bastian: this is a place of learning, Treasure Island will teach me, i can learn from this book how not to get my butt kicked.
Jack: yeah we were all going to the boiler room to make out, it's HOT in there...
janitor: you can't fool me, i know that all high-schoolers are Satanists, they all have burn-marks on their Nine Inch Nails bicycle tailpipes...
Rockbiter family: this is creepy and freaky, we're a little too lifelike, you know? we're a rejected episode of that Dinosaurs show on ABC, the one with the dinosaur in the red plaid shirt who's Ralph Kramden in a construction hardhat. how'd you get the rights to "Born to be Wild"?
Jim Henson: i'm Jim Henson, bitch, i get the rights to everything.
Rockbiters: Rockbiter? that's a very sexual name. we don't need a rock rolling pin to hit heads, the rolling pin is hard enough as wood. unless you use a telescope. the song choice doesn't make sense, shouldn't the music have rock in the title?
Billy Corgan: "Cherub Rock," perhaps?
Jim Henson: notice how we crafted the rock-monster momster housewife with the rolling pins in her hair, we made her rock tits JUST right, not too boulder not too pebble, just the right size of stone cantaloupe...
gnome couple: we eat the Rockbiters in the end, right? gnomes eat rocks, right?
Mardith: oh COME ON, you can still call a woman a WENCH in the '90s?
Medieval Times: ...
Falkor: did i always have such a DOG FACE? i don't remember.
Wolfgang: you looked more like a dragon in the first one.
Falkor: why does my voice get more and more ridiculous as the movies number?
Joan Rivers: you need better luck with a plastic surgeon, honey, your Falkor face needs cosmetic surgery stat.
Falkor: i hate needles!!! under the knife is only for my cheese.
Childlike Empress in Fortress of Solitude: you have a big head.
Big Head: that's hurtful. John Goodman is gonna play me on Dinosaurs...
Childlike Empress: i'm just teasing, we're friends, remember? right? want my Moon Child necklace?, i don't need it anymore. don't worry about these giant lobsters, let's let the streetsweeper through, it's gonna vacuum up all the smoke.
Jack Black: i used the Book to zap lightning bolts and throw fireballs and throw a storm which caused forest wildfires all throughout Canada.
Childlike Empress: yeah and because of you New York City is choking in peach-colored smoke, Jack you jackass!!!
Bastian: viewscreen on, i can't see.
Empress: it's cos the screen is a crystal.
Bastian: Oran? like the community cat from Brooklyn?
Empress: no, Auryn, like Atreyu, the band Atreyu.
Jonathan Brandis: i wish the Auryn had saved me.........snakes save...
Junior Rockbiter: hug me. kiss me. am i gonna turn into a plant in a rock garden?
Bastian: greenhouses were big in the '90s. when that third Murray brother that's not Bill or the other guy on SNL comes in his nursery van, pay him no mind. he's a loony landscaper.
Bastian: and Federal Express was big ONLY in the '90s...
Engywook: stay inside the Federal Express envelope, woman.
Urgl: why? we belong in Nome, Alaska, we're Santa's elves!!! did you pack your travel-size bottle of gurgling mouthwash? i can't breathe in here!!!
Engywook: i sealed the envelope. stop pushing and shoving into me, your body went years ago.
Urgl: oh yeah, well at least i have a body, your penis is so tiny i can't find it!!!
Engywook: gnome men don't have penises!!!
Empress: Bastian, you're experiencing wish overload. we get this problem around here a lot when all the Fantasians, every single denizen living in this magical realm, wishes to see me naked at the same time...
Bark Troll: don't call me Barky, i'm too sad. oh the HUMANITY, the CARNAGE, the WHOLESALE SLAUGHTER of these 10,000 precious conifer trees. irreplaceable Redwoods. and for what? to make pencils? is drawing worth all this?
Takahashi: i wanna fuck all the noses on Mount Rushmore...
Mardith: okay this sucks. why do they make the girl, the stepsister, a bitch here? why do they make her a shallow airhead who is only concerned with a shopping spree at the mall?
Melody: so i can be redeemed at the end, you bitch.
Mardith: i was going to say this is damaging to all women but you are a piece of work...
Madame Pons: our NeverEnding Story soaps at LUSH are always million-sellers, always bestsellers, they're made from crystals so they're hard on the skin..
Melody: oh no, i'm not doing a fashion montage.........i'm too young for Redbottoms, Mr. Director!!!...
at the Sherman Oaks Galleria mall.
Melody: are you all out of Scattergories?...
Bastian: you have magic in your hand.
Melody: i know, a credit card.
rain scene.
Melody: please don't die, Bastian, i can't go through yet another divorce.
Bastian: if i call you a bitch it's the curse talking, not me.
gnomes: it's a good thing there's only ONE mailing address to Bux in the entire world..........and they all live in Chatsworth...
crones: can we adopt these two as our pets?...
Childlike Empress with a concerned look on her face: Bastian, why have you not completed your mission?
Bastian: um, sorry, ma'am. so Falkor ending up fucking a red paper-dragon box kite in the festival parade route, yeah, that took up most of his time so he couldn't fly me around everywhere anymore.
Melody: i'm sorry, Bastian, let's call it even.
Bastian: even? there's a great imbalance in the Force...
Melody: how can i make it up to you?
Bastian: what does the Book say to do to vanquish the bullies?
Melody: did you take mall karate in the '80s?
Bastian: no, i was too busy being in Fantasia where Mordecai showed me his Bruce Lee chop and chirp...
bullies: okay, let's call it even. you return to us the cassette tape of Janet Jackson's "Nasty" and we'll be nice...
Laertus's dad crying, wiping back the tears on his snotty sleeve: i don't care what any y'all say, this matters, the ending of this MATTERS. divorce is a REAL THING, it's not just a '90s thing. kids got MESSED UP THE REST OF THEIR LIVES because their parents divorced, they were never the same, they flunked out of life. the fact that this marriage was preserved, preserved into a beautiful blended family, means EVERYTHING, it means THE WORLD, BOTH worlds.
Michael Ende: i am the ULTIMATE IRONY, i wrote the greatest children's book of all time, a novel, with my Ende pen, i penned it with my ende, and yet i never had any children of my own...
Michael Ende: g'night folks, keep dreaming of magic, keep following fantasy, keep escaping from the reality of this shit real world.
No comments:
Post a Comment