Jen Pizarro gathers the troops to the center of the stage of the Berkeley Repertory Theatre. they are HER troops after all.
Jen: okay everybody, great dress rehearsal, THAT's how you practice!!!
everybody in the rep company: we are SO glad you took over from the last guy. theater is fun again!!! repertory is RAD again!!!
a cheer erupts despite the bad sound from the wooden mics on stage.
Jen smiles. it's good to see Jen smile again. not much time has passed. and yet a lot of time has passed.
Jen: now the stage is art. is there a difference between stage acting and acting for television commercials? the world may never know.
Jen makes an owl sound. everyone laughs.
Jen: okay cast, stick your tongues out so i see the black from all those blackcurrants you ate on the pirate ship set. in the bowel of the pirate ship.
everyone obliges, including me. there is something so powerful about this ritual of men and women gathered in a circle holding hands sticking out their tongues and it's all black. it UNITES us not as a cult but through creation.
Jen: this job i've taken on suddenly out of the blue after a scandal and immediate retirement has been hard, i ain't gonna lie to you. i couldn't have done ANY of it without the support of my dear dear DEAR partner. stand up, dear. take a bow, honey.
the audience of actors gives me a tepid applause. me, embarrassed face: oh no i couldn't.........i don't like standing up in places...
me: yeah i mean you know it certainly makes my life easier that i'm fucking the theater director.........
crickets.
me: .........i mean.........just that it's cool that there are two actors in the household, you know? two actors in the family.........it makes it easier to get my plays put on this stage.........
crickets in the gallery.
me thinking to myself: oh BOY did it feel good to say the word FAMILY in reference to Jen.
Jen: okay guys, are we all ready for tomorrow night? we're doing Rent, Hair, and 3 Ingmar Bergman mini-plays all on one night!!!
Trinity: i mean whaddaya think? you know? you think i'm SCARED? why would i be scared of a barking dog? that's the size of Falkor but a Golden Retriever.
dog: in fairness you're only not scared because i'm behind a fence.
Trinity: noted. a good Scotsman never lies. i AM scared of the pigeons, because the pigeons have NO fence, they just fly right into my face!!!
dog: imagine Lassie and Benji combined...
Luke Russert: i'm feeling down.
Lindy Lenz: why so glum, chum? besides the usual summer loneliness.
Luke: i'm losing excitement in life. i have to be stimulated EVERY day or i start drifting and thinking about dad's death again. and there's no way out of that thought spiral.
Lindy: i have an idea. GO TO THE GROCERY STORE EVERY DAY. right? think about it. it's always exciting to enter the grocery store, to step your socks onto that foreign wax floor. the lights are different than in your room. the possibilities are ENDLESS on that shelf!!!
Whopper: ...
Lindy: you have the opportunity to TRY A NEW TASTE, something you've never eaten nor drunk in your life, that is EXHILARATING.
Hillary Clinton: i know. Hillary is exhilarating. Hillarating.
Luke's eyes light up.
Luke: yeah you're right!!! i'm gonna do this!! let's do this, gang!!! let's go to the grocery store EVERY FUCKING DAY, that way the adventure the journey NEVER ENDS!!!
Lindy: at the very least you won't be bored with life.
Luke: i'm gonna DELIBERATELY not get ALL the items on my shopping list each week. so i have an excuse to go back to the grocery store at all times.
me: sounds like a cracking idea. not a crackpot idea. i'll get right on that. can i borrow your eraser?
throbber: the loading wheel just got sexier...
Gladyce: the HANDLE TIES trash bags turn into squishy little long thin stringy strings of plastic that get in your hair.
Doryce: Silly String!!! my hair is already Silly String...
Tom Hanks: the Unicorn: Warriors Eternal theme song sounds like our CNN The '80s docuseries...
Wendie H. from Charles Schwab: i am in fact Maria Sharapova. i learned from Boris Becker, i won't be another tennis player who's bad with money. how do i look in my grey sport coat?...
Boris Becker: i am a handsome professor.
Pete Davidson: i was gonna marry Kim Kardashian. but i couldn't get the ring on her finger.
Aubrey Plaza: why?
Pete Davidson: Ozempic finger.
Michael Cera: Wegovy butt.
Kate Beckinsale: i'm still available, Pete. this is the pairing the world REALLY wants to see.
Pete: i'm an alum? i feel so accomplished. my shirt has the Autobots symbol on it, okay? not the Decepticons symbol...
Sonny Bono: yep it's me, Sonny Bono, in the Leaf Village walking the street, talking with Naruto and George R.R. Martin...
chejuino: orange juice spiked with the Before Trilogy.
tipple: drunk mosquito.
Tipper Gore: ...
Spider-Man: all movies should be more like Holy Spider...
me: i got a new mouse for my Chromebook.
Trinity: LET ME AT IT!!
Greykid: wait, blood, it's not the mouse you think.
me: no but you MAY sit on this nice warm mousepad.........i get it, put your butt down on that mousepad, i would, too.
Tony Hawk: same.
Daniel Day-Lewis: as would i.
Talia: you're so immature, Trinity. why do you concern yourself with such trivial matters? because you can't curl into a ball and sleep on the master sofa chair ottoman next to the open window with the screen door like i do. go play in the corner like a good little boy, we women cats need to think about the world to the cool breeze.
Al Jourgensen: you had no idea a thrash-metal industrial god like me was related to king of Big Band swing Ricky Ricardo...
Ricky Ricardo: me? a swinger?
me: industrial is cool dark, Nine Inch Nails is cool. Slayer on the other hand is SKEEVY dark...
Mark Hapka: you GOTTA have the Dave's Triple at Wendy's.
Maiara Walsh: no way, man. i'm not a STRICT vegetarian but i'm not tryna have THREE burger patties, dude on a dude ranch.
Mark: but the price for it is perfect: $11.11.
Arnold Palmer: i was so frustrated. i saw a lovely woman get out of her Lincoln Corsair. she opened a beautiful bright multicolored rainbow umbrella.
Cruella de Vil: that was me, dahlin. it was hard to see my face cos it was overcast and raining HARD. as the legend goes, i like a little blackberry and milk in my tea and lemonade.
Arnie: blackberry?
Cruella: okay burnt toast in my Arnold Palmer...
tejuino: Mexican Orange Julius served in movie theaters...
Frank Sinatra: yabba dabba doo.
oregairu: no, i'm here, i exist...
The Gary Coleman Show: we were able to say "Avenging Angel" on a kids' cartoon...
Hornswoggle: i am Gargamel in a three-piece suit...
Gary Coleman: there's something so COMFORTING to know that Heaven has ME as an angel there...
Stephen A. Smith: it's gonna be a lot of Wimby interviewing Wemby for the next 10 years...
Mardith: Father's Day? the reason i'm an empath today is because i never had a father...
Jon Rahm: there is nothing worse than playing golf IN THE MORNING on Sunday...
The Outer Limits "Promised Land" episode: the mute girl should have been named Talk instead of Tali...
Arnold Horshack: i have one of those 1920s Little Rascals faces...
Wyndham Clark stares up into the clouds after the final hole. to the sky. his world starts spinning, the green starts spinning, there is no crowd noise, there is UTTER SILENCE, he's ALONE, there's NOBODY on the golf course, NO ONE on the green field. there is only one word in his head, one thought, one face, one feeling: MOM.
Wyndham Clark: it didn't move. the ball didn't move. but I am moved. it's time for all the hooded mini-trucks in Southern California to remove their hoods, know what i'm sayin? it's time for all of us to be FUCKING FREE. let it all hang out, let's all socialize in different ethnic groups. everybody, i mean EVERYBODY, is invited up to my hotel room, it's free now...
Rickie Fowler drives down curvy Pacific Coast Highway with the top down, wind in his hair.
Rickie Fowler: my hair's relatively short now but.........i used to have long surfer hair...
Rickie's car is a 1959 Chevrolet caddie convertible the front half painted cherry-red, the back half in ice blue.
Rickie: running out of teal was the greatest decision that was ever made for me by Sherwin-Williams.
in the backseat of the Chevy is 100 individually-greasy-wrapped In-N-Out burgers with the tomato sticking out.
Rickie Fowler: i'm not mad. i'm not jealous of Wyndham Clark. i have no IDEA who Wyndham Clark is. i got my own wind blowing my head. like a parasailor. win or lose i'm COOL like a Southern California breeze. i won't be an afterthought. my pickle is sticking out, i skateboard for a living. paddleboating is my trade. look at me, look at my face, look at my body, i am what Manhattan Beach, California would look like as a person. i am what In-N-Out hamburgers looks like as a person. there's a new side at In-N-Out Burgers, BLT. not a bacon lettuce tomato sandwich, BLT-flavored CHIPS...
Jen and i are arm-in-arm walking and talking down the street along the one sidewalk by the Berkeley Rep. it's late at night early in the morning, the streets are ABANDONED, nobody and i mean NOBODY is around. it's scary dark. i point to the building.
me: THIS, if only i had an IRON WILL, if only i could forcefully WILL things into existence in my life instead of waiting for things to fall in my lap without work. i shoulda been doing THIS the whole time.
Jen: next time try Manifestation, Mardith says it's wonderful.
me: see you can't just go through the 4 years of college rudderless not knowing what the FUCK you're doing with your dingle out in the street. you can't just be an English major and that's it. you gotta be IN A PROGRAM.
Jen: right, a playwriting program. like the Rep here. you gotta be in a troupe. and then eventually your script gets put in the right hands.
me: there has to be the prospect of a JOB after, not nothing and walking the streets baked. i have one small dream: forget film, i just wanna write for television.........not commercials, cartoons and sitcoms and stuff...
Jen: the WAITING is the hardest part of life. not the pain, the suffering, the anxiety, the dashed hopes. it's the ENDLESS WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN.
me: right? i mean how LONG are we supposed to wait? how long does it take to fulfill life dreams? until we DIE?!!! is there a way not to think about things? this is my life now, it's just regrets and nostalgia.
Jen: it would have been...
Jen: when a tragedy happens, all you want to do is RUSH to the next thing...
me holding Jen's hand: it's the only way to forget...
me: i had the weirdest dream last night. our Ned's Bookstore thermos. but it wasn't our beloved thermos, it was a rattan thermos that looked like the SilverHawks cartoon show but in real life. that silver metal hawk pet those space-astronaut metal android bird guys have.
Jen: it's the International House of Pancakes, the one in Southern California, thermos!!! but our Ned's thermos is so CUTE!!! its Nintendo ridged railroad handle is so STURDY. have you gotten it to work yet? it's so GENEROUS with its space, it's so kawaii with its lip, its belly provides, it carries more WATER WEIGHT than you'd think from the outside!!! our Ned's thermos is a generous soul. that small sucker of a plastic cup can carry my BUTT weight in liquid drink!!!
me: you don't have to tell me twice, i tossed my kegerator out my dorm window.
Jen: you don't have to keep paying rent for your dorm anymore.
me: i know, but i keep forgetting, and then i get that joyous sugar rush of remembering all over again.
me: thanks for being here. with me. without you i am lost in the dark.
Jen: can you dream in the Afterlife?...
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