Lindy Lenz and i are at the very top of Camden Yards baseball field.
me: in the stands so high an oriole could lay an egg in my shirt pocket.
Lindy: the bird, not the player, right?
Luke Russert is down below on the diamond searching for the best hot dog.
Luke: see i don't just want a regular ballpark hot dog, i want a Big Bite from 7-Eleven.
me: so is this really Camden Yards? as in the REAL FIRST Orioles ballpark?
Lindy: yeah has to be. from 1915. or it's called Oriole Ballpark now or some shit, it's not the genuine article, the real museum monument with Our Gang crank-organ music in the background.
me: of course being here in Baltimore makes me think immediately of HER, Jen R.
Lindy: how is she?
me: it HURTS. she's GONE. she's GONE FOREVER.
Lindy: yeah. but think of it this way, she told you I LOVE YOU TOO. she said those magic words BEFORE she left. imagine if she had NEVER SAID THEM AT ALL EVER and one day poof she's gone forever.
me: that's called a VOID in my throat.
Lindy: you're a lucky man. like Richard Ashcroft. can i give you a hug?
me: it just wouldn't be the same...
Steven Spielberg: so yeah i mean, look, NOBODY uses Theater Mode on youtube videos, nobody wants to see stuff on that awkward screen.
Edgar Allan Poe eating popcorn with black salt: i must admit, 40 is actually a pretty LONG time to live...
Luke Russert: my grocery bag's polyester leather is SMOOTH like my chin after a close shave.
Chris Matthews: no stubble. like the Pennsylvania Railworkers who never use cream, only one broken-off rail to glide across their large faces. save all that rough foamy shaving cream for me, i'll eat it.
Eastbourne seagulls eating the tennis ball toss at the highest point of the serve: we have to eat tennis balls cos the Wimbledon french fries are too expensive, mate...
Christopher Kimball: i live the Anthony Bourdain life.........except i have a stabler mind because these glasses keep what's between my ears centered and framed...
Anthony Bourdain: suicide glasses?
Kimball: suicide-prevention glasses.
Tony Bourdain: suicide glasses sounds cooler.
Leslie Sbrocco: i'm just here at America's Test Kitchen twiddling my three thumbs waiting 30 minutes for my show to start.
Morgan Bolling: San Francisco is prettier than Boston. Boston sucks. the Red Sox suck.
Dan Souza: yes. i am hypnotized by your eyes.
Morgan: stare into my captivating cat eyes, my GREEN eyes!!! let me make you do things, anything i want. bake that bread in a cast-iron Iron Man oven for 17 hours.
Dan Souza: your eyes are ORANGE, woman. you a witchy woman, baby. i wish for ONCE i wouldn't get made fun of. i DECKED Gordon Ramsay when he stepped to me yelling at my mouth ridiculing my face. i bit him in his foldy British-bulldog face.
Gordon Ramsay: i called him Underbite. i've never gotten so hurt before. it made me want to try soccer again.
Dan: i have feelings. i'm a chef with FEELINGS. i'm not penicillin, i'm not blue cheese. i'm Jarlsberg cheese, you bitches in the comments.
Leslie: what do you do around this dump? this place looks like the Terminator's shacky love motel. do you suck the Terminator's sac around here?
Morgan Boling: i mean don't you want to know the EXACT kitchen scraper to buy?
Leslie: hey queen of the BBQ, tell me know about the best tumble basket to buy.
Morgan: stainless-steel tumble basket?
Leslie: i want you to take a tumble with me. i want you in my tumble. we'll do it at a local motel around here. if the motel's full we'll use the park. if the park's full we'll fuck under an artificial waterfall at the Boston Cooling Center. Morgan, my dear Morgan, the universe is merely a series of sets of spinning balls. BALLS make the world go round, Morg.
Morgan Bolling: balling? as in mountain papaya?
Leslie: as in BOLDNESS.
Alex Morgan: soccer balls...
Luther Burbank: why isn't Burbank named after me? the botanist who brought porn to the city. and made it a big city.
Audrey II: i love you, baby. my daddy ain't Audrey I, my daddy is YOU.
Luther Burbank: this city has enough dentists!!!...
Freddie Mercury as Frank-N-Furter: ...
Dirg: can i PLEASE just live in the Earl Norem world?...
Indiana Jones: The Rocketeer would have been more successful if it focused more on the nude nose art...
Princeton: we had the better WWII fighter jets, Princeton planes, not those Harvards...
Pee-wee Herman: the closest i ever came to getting Pee-wee's Playhouse as an animated Saturday-morning cartoon was Hornswoggle...
Bart: here's your bucket of party ice, Lydia.
Lydia lounging on a chase by the pool reading Ebony Magazine: thank you, Bartholomew dear. i'm gonna cure ALS in the future.
Bart: it's great being a kept boy. it beats going to school...
Eye Luggage: Raiders of the Lost Ark and go.........not The Adaptation...
Dennis Haysbert: the Outer Limits episode "Rule of Law." am i RIGHT or am i RIGHT?!!! right? i'm fucking right, dude. it was great. it was fantastic. it was fan-fucking-tastic. i mean this was the COOLEST AWESOMEST RADDEST thing i've ever done in my career!!! this script SPARKLES. at first you don't know where it's heading, will it stay dark like the rest of the series? no, it has light touches, soon the light comedic music starts playing, and there are genuine moments of levity, not just spots of comic relief to ease the tension.........especially when that blonde robot takes it upon herself to fuck drunk me in my judge quarters so i can get over my ex-wife marrying another man soon after the divorce. i mean that scene in the morning when the blonde woman robot wakes up under the sheets of my bed is COMEDY. why wasn't this turned into a 13-episode show that would have rivaled Farscape and Stargate? why not since we can't get a second season of Firefly. i hate westerns but this space western is IT.
Harrison Ford: so this is the live-action of Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers?
Tom Selleck in a Hawaiian shirt: ...
Harrison: oh i see, this is the live-action of the video game The Adventures of Bayou Billy...
Eye: when you don't wanna watch the whole franchise, just watch the FIRST ONE, ONLY the first one...
Steven Spielberg: i knew this would be a hit because George Lucas and i wrote the script in a house in Sherman Oaks. only GOOD things come out of Sherman Oaks, only GOOD things happen in Sherman Oaks: The Magic Castle, the arcade, the F1 circuit racing track...
Lucio Rossi: and me.
George Lucas writing in the den of the Sherman Oaks house: not all dens are opium dens. okay, so when they were both younger Indiana Jones had an affair with Marion, she was 11.
Steven: she's gonna have to be A HELLUVA LOT OLDER than that!!!
George Lucas wearing an Indiana Jones hat: see that's the thing!!! everyone thinks Steven Spielberg did this, but INDIANA JONES IS MY IDEA!!! Indiana Jones is MY thing!!! NOT Steven's idea, NOT Steven's thing!!
Steven Spielberg: our friendship, my friendship with George? it's complicated. we admire each other but we're also insanely jealous of each other...
Steven Spielberg at the red-carpet premiere of The Adaptation.
Steven with the college guys who did the film: great work, fellas. it's like a student film. i mean the whole thing is a complete waste of time but good going. it was very fun. very enjoyable.
college guys: we cannot be frat bros, we make movies. i mean ALL movies are a waste of time unless they somehow make money...
Steven: and enter the cultural zeitgeist.
Al Davis: yeah in 1981 the Raiders were still good. and we were the L.A. Raiders...
Laertus: so like all of you i first learned of all of these iconic classic scenes because i saw the Robot Chicken skit of Indiana Jones.
Seth Green: you're welcome.
Laertus: oh my god, Alfred Molina looks SO YOUNG here!!! he's got a BABY FACE!!! not cool, Alfred Molina, tricking Indy like that.
Eye: huh, i thought the BIG BOULDER lasted LONGER than it does. also, i thought it came at the END of the movie like the Disneyland ride...
Indiana Jones: i'll just leave this sack of Indiana not Idaho potatoes by the Idol hole, that'll even the weight.........there was no such things as arrows coming out of grey carved mazed Aztec stone walls before this movie...
Greykid: i'm looking for Ozzie the cat. if not then maybe i can find a Sheba around here. for my mate, they say Persians make good mates. if i can't find a cat for a life partner i'll take Olmec...
Ozzy Osbourne wandering and muttering: HELP!!! I'VE BEEN LOST IN THIS CAVE FOR 30 YEARS!!!
Sharon Osbourne: OZZY!!! you've always been lost, Ozzy. stop your mumbling, pet, i've never been able to understand a SINGLE word you've ever said...
Julia Ioffe: i'm sorry, NO PROFESSOR is this cool. no professor would be a macho adventuring derring-do artifact-stealing cave-robber like this.
Professor Indiana Jones: settle down, class. this skeleton is brand new. chalk hasn't been invented yet. miss, what do your eyelashes say?
student: FUCK on one eye and YOU on the other eye. as in i love you, i want to fuck you, i want to make love to you, i have a crush on you.
Indy: this is 1900, no schoolgirls have crushes on their male teachers. i'm sorry but you're gonna have to wash that off, it's school policy.
student: but they're tattoos.
Indiana: tattoos don't exist yet, it's 1900. certainly there are no tattoos on a college campus yet...
Boc: oh my god that was so CLEVER!!! did you see that? the MALE student slyly gives Indiana the apple, i love that!!! secret gay student in 1900...
Indiana: this movie reimpassioned a love not for archaeology but for grave-robbing...
Rene Belloq: because i can't be Bellend.
Indiana: good thing we have the TaleSpin seaplane here to make our quick long waterlogged escape.
Baloo: i can't fit my big-ass blue-grey bear butt through the front-portal plane window.
Indiana: see this all connects up, this is a Disney movie.........wait this ISN'T a Disney movie? it all gets so confusing...
Rebecca from TaleSpin: don't cop out, Disney, no i wasn't widowed because my husband had an accident stupidly agreeing to go to air war, i am a DIVORCED SINGLE MOM cos my ex is a jackass!!!
Indiana: i hate snakes.
Laertus's grandma: i hate snakes, too. this is why i love this movie. Indiana Jones and i share a special secret kinship only the two of us know about. i don't find Harrison Ford attractive at all.
Indiana: Ravenwood? he was Princeton, i'm Harvard. the assumption is everyone thinks Ravenwood is male but she will be FEMALE. Abner is a female name. is it okay to punch a Nazi?
United States Government: yes.
Indiana: okay. it's just i don't like violence of any kind. but i'll do it. what's inside the Ark of the Covenant?
U.S.: God tricking us all. all the ghosts from Ghostbusters.
Indiana: why do the Nazis covet it so bad?
U.S.: the stupid Nazis are fascinated with the Occult cos they can't build and run a proper government by the people on Earth so they turn to otherworldly supernatural Satanic black magic for backup.
at the motel.
dean: Indiana, why do you carry a gun when you have that sleek shiny gorgeous crisscross hidebound leather whip?
Indiana: for protection.
dean: piss off with that pistol!!! guns stuck. remember, Indiana my boy, it's not the length of the whip but how you use it. now plane it out of here on colorful color-coded dotted maps...
Nepal: we drink so much under the table our flagmakers went a little crazy with our flag...
Karen Allen: how do you want me to play Marion Ravenwood?
Steven Spielberg: EXACTLY like Margot Kidder's Lois Lane.
Margot Kidder: but with a drinking problem...
Marion DECKS Indiana in the balls.
Karen Allen: i was 11 and you took advantage of me.
Indiana: it was a different time, it was the 1910s.........yeah don't mention your age. just say you were a child.........actually you know what why don't let's just say i was 21 and you were 18...
Toht: i'm not like those other Nazis. i have a sticker in the palm of my hand...
George Lucas: this isn't like Star Wars at all...
Karen Allen: I HATED THE MONKEY!!! i hated that monkey, sorry but yep it's true. that monkey was weird, with the Wes Anderson bellboy fez, i mean that monkey was actually our ENEMY, right? he wasn't on our side, he alerted the bad guys to my location in the beer-barrel polka.
Indiana: never eat fruit rotten or otherwise.
Sallah at Cairo.
Sallah: Marrakesh is the sun-soaked home of the band The Clash!!! enjoy.
Indiana: Staff of Ra? but it's not bigger than my whip.
Sallah: it's longer than your dick, yes. the imam has deciphered the Konami Code on it.
Indiana: wait the boom mic got in the way of this shot.........yeah that was the boom mic not a snake...
Indiana: i'm deciphering the hieroglyphic carvings at this dig site. it says here the previous owners of this golden palace underneath the ground are C3PO and R2-D2. this means it's not 1900, it's 2900 and we are in outer space right now, this is all a giant space station, we are on board the Death Star...
Sallah: Well of Souls? like it's a Beaches resort wellness center?
Indiana: yeah that's it, guide the sunlight till it hits the Lego display JUST RIGHT, hits the maze of mirrors JUST RIGHT like in the Zelda game...
Marion: Indy!!! help me!!! i can't be going around in circles in a plane like this, i get dizzy!!!
Indiana: first i gotta fight Karnov, then i gotta fight Cary Elwes, then i gotta fight Jack Tripper!!
Karnov taking his shirt off: you can't fight with your shirt on. the smell of gasoline everywhere along the tarmac of this airport is getting me horny.
Indiana: why'd it have to be asps? i can take cobras but not asps.
men: what are these crowbars for?
Indiana: grave-robbing, moving large chunks of stone. cars haven't been invented yet, it's 1900, no need for crowbars yet...
Karen Allen: i'm wearing PANTIES, okay?!!! no way in fucking hell i'm not wearing panties or i'm NOT sliding down this rope!!!
chase scene.
John Williams: oh sure none of you remember my MUSIC for this but you ALL remember the Wilhelm scream...
Marion: i'm gonna kiss you once on the lips and once on the back of your left ear where all your earwax is. this is a very unique kiss, no woman has ever kissed like this before.
Sallah: madam, you have made me the happiest man on Earth, my wife can't make me this happy. you have kissed me in such a way that you made a man like me so straight he started singing show tunes...
Bantu Wind: not the Last Airbender ship.........and suddenly this is The Hunt for Red Das Boot October...
ceremony scene.
Toht: this is so The Ten Commandments.
Indiana and Marion tied to poles.
Indiana: DON'T LOOK, MARION!!! DON'T LOOK!!! KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED!!!
Marion: why?
Indiana: that female Ark ghost is showing her tits...
Rubikon: DAMN that is some Total Recall face-melting right there!!!
back home in Washington, D.C.
United States: thank you for securing the Ark, here is your official government-licensed check for $5. what are you gonna do with all that sand?
Indiana: i called Kenny Rogers, he's gonna help me build the sandcastle.
Marion: i HATED that see-through white dress. i looked like Swiss Miss. i wanted to wear the BLACK dress in the Egypt summer heat.
Indiana: can i get a better car than that beige Jeep? next time make it a beige limousine that can drive in sand. where's the Ark?
United States: undisclosed location. it's secure, don't worry. our top men are studying it.
Indiana: but bottom men are better BDSMers. you have to at least be on the same BDSM level as Toht was.
United States: yes. it's in a cavernous warehouse with all the other crates.
Marion: you mean all the other IKEA loft beds that nobody around the world wanted...
Kael from Willow: g'night folks. Indiana Jones wishes you sweet dreams and a restful sleep.
Indiana Jones: the bottom line is, i am a TERRIBLE HORRIBLE role model. from the statutory rape to the Idol taking without permission, i'm not a nice man.
Simon Cowell: ...
Indiana Jones: my lust for illicit gold. i carved my initials and Marion's initials into the Wailing Wall...
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