Lindy Lenz: how you doing NOW, Luke?
Luke Russert: my life is SLIGHTLY better, summer sucks LESS but it still sucks.
Lindy: what's going on?
Luke: oh the usual. running away. i need to figure out what's the best FABRIC for a sturdy shopping bag with a handle that won't snap off and break.
me: that can hold a big-ass 100-gallon thing of kitty litter.
Lindy: Walmart will figure that out for you. not black leather.
Luke: the whole going to the grocery store everyday thing is getting TIRED ALREADY. i'm exhausted, i'm weary. i don't know what happened to my tongue but i'm not feeling certain foods anymore. all bread tastes bad. chicken-flavored ramen is disgusting to me now. all cereal is BLAND, STALE, and STERILE.
Lindy: i have an idea. you just need a new shop you've never been to before. or seen in a new way. follow me to 7-Eleven...
Jen R and i on a second date, at Round Table Pizza, with our paper crowns on.
Jen R: like my dress? i bought it new for this date i don't mind telling you.
me: it's rad. it's the ultimate WINE dress. cos it's purple-wine-colored. do you mind if Lindy Lenz observes us at this table? she'll be on the other side of the table taking notes, you won't notice her.
Jen R: no problem.
me: you were my first thought this morning when i woke up. my first TEXT in the morning to anyone is always YOU.
Jen R: that's sweet but did you get that off a WikiHow on dating?
me: sorry. i'm trying new things. to see if anything sticks.
Jen R: just be you without reference materials.
me: i have never been accused of being a patient man. i'm the most IMPATIENT person who's still alive. if i start a war i want it ended with a peace treaty in one day. see i don't want to DATE you, that'll take too long, i just want to BE with you starting NOW, is this possible?
Jen R: for you yes but i like a little feeling-out period.
me: what is time tho? how long is this gonna take? dating is a waste of time. we're already twinsouls, we already know. if if takes two years of dating i might die before. collapse right at our two-year dating anniversary. i already know what i want. i already know that i want you.
Lindy, scribbling: but is it what SHE wants? you're doing everything right, you've cleared your schedule for the next life cos it is your life NOW, you've cleared your schedule for HER. you aren't gonna do anything else with your life but BE WITH HER. dating her is perfunctory, you've already reached the endgame in your mind. but that's just YOUR end. your end of the endgame. what about HER end? the plan falls apart if SHE doesn't contact you for four months.
Jen R: this is true. i get busy easily. i get distracted. sometimes i don't call anyone for half a year. i get waylaid for LONG stretches of time...
Jacques Pepin: keep that newly-cooked hardboiled egg in COLD AS FUCK ass water before you crack the shell with the back of a spoon like the back of my mama's hand to my face. otherwise you get the GANGRENE GREEN on the albumen of the egg that's gross.
Leslie Sbrocco: chalaza ain't sperm.
Jacques: you want pink ham in your bechamel gratin, not Green Eggs and Ham. not Green Hardboiled Eggs and Gray Ham.
Leslie: i gently tap the eggshell with the back of my spoon and i TAG your face all up with my furious fingers like your mama, i SLAP you like you're my son, I'M your mama now, frenchie.
Iga Swiatek: like my new Karen Carpenter Monkees hair?...
Bonnie Blair: i was Mary Lou Retton on ice...
at Round Table afterhours, nobody's in there, it's a hollow Medieval log.
me: i have sex dreams about Yasmin Vossoughian. we're always at a Fedco, in the bed department, on a wire bed with pink sheets kneeing each other.
Jen R: yes but why tell ME about them? and don't start talking about Yasmin's leg in your dream...
Avo Babian: normally i'd beat you up. but you aren't some male skank on the street, you're my best friend. yeah, didn't you know? all Armenians are related...
diner: he doesn't allow ketchup on his burgers. ketchupless burgers. he only puts Dad's Sauce on the burgers.
Leslie Sbrocco: dad's sauce? cum? speaking of, you haven't eaten eggs until you've eaten eggs fried on a flattop with French roll.
Jacques Pepin: it only works on a SILVER flattop, not a black one. with SEED roll. nobody eats almonds anymore, everybody wants their almonds TOASTED. look at me. look at my face. i look like Roger Rabbit after a good rogering from Jessica Rabbit.
Leslie: man, FUCK Glenview. if you're gonna live in Oakland really LIVE in Oakland, ya feel me? live in the GHETTO, man.
Julius Randle: who do you think Orange Julius is named after? i'm Orange Julius Randle, baby!!! i'm Orange-and-Blue-Skies-Julius Randle. i'm Blue Julius. the Knicks are gonna win the chip next year!!!...
Monty Python and the Holy Grail: this movie launched Saturday Night Live...
Codrus: what are you DOING, brother? why do i always find you working so hard?
Cotard: i'm rewriting a pilot episode, i'm gonna get Bungle Abbey greenlit if it kills me.
Lucille Ball: i'll be the ghostwriter and script doctor. get Abbot Butt to help you, Cotard boy, he's got nothing to do anymore...
Hornswoggle: my first name is Ness.
Gary Coleman: i don't get you, man, Ness is such a gallant name, it's a name that plays checkers on yachts with a towel down your pants. why'd you become evil?
Ness Hornswoggle begins to cry.
Hornswoggle's mom's eyes are raw with red puss from crying hard too long, her tears are fire.
Hornswoggle's mom: i raised you better than this, Nestor. get out of that purple pimp suit, mijo!!! you disappoint your father. your father is a cable-TV repairman with a mustache who drives a silver van...
Gary Coleman; in the '80s ALL oil came in a silver-bell oilcan with a spout and church key.
Starscream: ...
Link: that's SKELETON key, not church key...
Patrick Melrose from the original 1922 Our Gang short: the greatest namesake of all them all. nothing to do with a handsome doc in Seattle. Seattle wasn't a city yet.
Sam Egan: not even for a futuristic Outer Limits story about a nuclear apocalypse...
Patrick: being rich meant sipping lemonade in a 1920s sette chesterfield sofa on the sidewalk.
Sunshine Sammy: now I was revolutionary!!! in 1922 there was only one size for a rickety wood wheelchair everyone took to the lifetime mental institution: LARGE.
Madame Pons: i gotta try some of that wool soap. it's not soap for wool clothes, it's bath bombs that look like wool socks...
Otezla: sure the suicidal thoughts, but it's really the RINGWORM that's the bad thing, it's the ringworm that'll getcha...
Brandon Jordan: yeah i'm the scuba bro on The Weather Channel. Search Party is a PARTY, get it? but you know, maybe i should change. instead of twiddling my dick and thumbs lollygagging out there, touching sand searching for a stupid iPhone, i could be USEFUL FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, i could swish around the bottom deck of the Titanic wreck and FIND the missing sub!!!...
ROV: i'm like a little cute underwater yellow schoolbus full of Beatles and ginger teachers in tight wetsuits...
Eye Lugagge: The Hand That Rocks the Cradle and go.
Mardith: so what is this?
Eye: it's a Lifetime Movie but in theaters.
Mardith: gotcha.
Madame Pons: yeah for some reason THIS Lifetime Movie made a BILLION dollars when others didn't.
Laertus: this movie is about someone who REALLY wants a family...
me: i can relate, i can SO relate, this feeling has been my LIFE GOAL my whole life, ya feel me?
i fistbump Laertus who's shocked at the sight of me.
Laertus: up until now. let's pray for that, sir, that you get one, that you get a family, that you get a life.
Laertus: we gotta talk about the ICONIC HOUSES, right?
Eye: right on the money, babes.
Laertus: the family house is the quintessential white Waltons country two-storey.
Kurt Cobain: no house in Seattle would EVER look like that...
Fred Armisen swallowing a sidewalk potato: nor Portland...
Eye: and Dr. Victor Mott's house is EVERY '90s doctor's office with the space-age silver aesthetic, that house looks like a spaceship from the City of Tomorrow!!!
Flea: that doctor's house looks like what rg burgers looks like NOW...
Flea: a futuristic dentist's office filled with AI drills instead of warmblooded people with masks...
at the premiere.
Annabella Sciorra: i singlehandedly made Hollywood safe again. now if you'll excuse me, i'm going to a carnival with Bobby Cannavale in my belle ballgown by the shore.
Rebecca De Mornay: yeah so i'm MOST known for this role. which sucks. every time i walk down the street everyone seeing me coming thinks i'm the psycho bitch with the crazy eyes who's gonna cut their apples. i'm not like that at all in real life, the fact that you think so just means i acted the FUCK outta this part, i chewed the scenery RIGHT UP. i'm a sweet, sensitive, conscientious, moral person in real life. i'm not jealous of anyone, not even my mother or the neighborhood nun or the spider with a mustache down my dress. Tom Cruise, call me, i was wrong, let's start over...
Matt McCoy: look DEEP into my BLUE EYES like the ocean as i STARE at you for 30 HOURS...
Ernie Hudson: i know i get a lot of FLAK for this role NOW but back THEN i was PRAISED for doing a good job imitating handicap. physical NO, look at my muscles, but mental yes. in the '90s you could still say retard. i did whatever part was offered to me, they weren't exactly gonna make a Ghostbusters of Winston's backstory...
Ernie Hudson: my son is a GENUINE African prince, a REAL one, not an internet-scam one...
Julianne Moore: i was the best part of this, the movie shoulda been about ME...
Roger Ebert: you had the best lines, you were an actual CARING PERSON, not a cardboard stereotype. you were the CONSCIENCE of this film. you were the soul and red HEART of this film like your red hair.
Julianne Moore: not happening, Roger...
John de Lancie: of course I play the rapist, i have that perfect rapist's face, right? is it the lips? my lips are suspicious-looking. what are you saying, i look like a rapist? no wonder i was Q, Q must have that SMARMY CRUDE CYNICAL face that only i can pull off...
Alexandra Silber: if you look closely in this movie, it secretly invisibly follows the plotline of Pirates of Penzance.........for some reason. look at all the Broadway posters plastered everywhere with yellow glue!!!
girl playing with her father's stubble beard at the wood bathroom forest window.
Matt McCoy shaving with white foamy cream all over his face.
Matt: i'm singing Pirates of Penzance...for some reason.
Jen Pizarro: ...
Matt: do you like that musical, honey? shall i sing you another number?
little girl Emma: daddy, hate to break this to you, but you only sing good when you're SHAVING.
mom holding girl's hand.
Annabella Sciorra: honey, when you get older and a guy tries to take advantage of you, PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE!!!
Emma: i will, mommy.
Annabella: you think about this advice i'm giving you now, you think of mommy and you PUNCH THAT MAN IN THE FACE!!!
Dirg: is this a doctor's office or an AUDITORIUM?
Flea: it looks like a concert hall. why does a doctor's office have 17 stories with 13 spiral staircases?
Will Smith: this movie is so 1992, you know what i mean?...
Q; would you prefer me or AI to do your gynecological exam?
Annabella on the table: don't touch my pelvis. let's be honest, why is a male gynecologist still a thing? it's just problematic in the end. if you start asking me what i did on my Cabo skiing vacation and how nice i think the weather is, i know i'm in trouble trapped on this table.
at the office longtable.
Mitch Laurance: we're sorry you lost everything. contracts can be so confusing. stipulations suck. assets are a pain in the ass. frozen cash is slippery. clauses claw your eyes out. you have no money in your bank account. but don't worry, women can still make a living on their own. take my wife, she's the breadwinner of our family and she plays POOL!!! now THAT's the life!!!
Annabella: a strange man is stalking us at our window!!! get the shovel, honey!!! i didn't say BLACK man i said STRANGE man, a stranger!!!
Emma: it's WAY Foundation not DAY Foundation.
Ernie: yeah it doesn't really matter. flowers and mathematics are for chumps, hectares and all that stupid silly shit, i'm gonna dig your ENTIRE front yard up and put in a swimming pool.
nanny interviews.
Annabella: it's a good thing you were in front of that schoolbus.
Rebecca: i believe in divine retribution and all brown school sacks of lunch should never be forgotten and eaten. that lost brown sack lunch meant for school is me.
Annabella: what'd you say your name was?
Rebecca: Mrs. Mott. no first name. like the applesauce that comes in those cute little plastic bowls in school sack lunches.
me: well DAMN, i wish I had had a Rebecca to fight off my bullies. someone to call a 7-year-old boy a faggot and give him an Indian rub for me...
Annabella: it's Seattle, everyone has a greenhouse.
Kurt Cobain: Seattle is 98% forest.
Rebecca: oh look!!! your greenhouse is like a miniature version of your BIG family house. how cute and symbolic. i'm gonna kill your ginger friend in this greenhouse.
Annabella: what?
Rebecca: red like red apples, everyone in Seattle grows red apples in their greenhouse for applesauce.
Rebecca: Peyton Flanders? am i a Simpsons character in live action? who bombed her Waltons audition?
Dirg: this is a weird Battle of the Breasts. they go back and forth between the two sets of tits, which is better? mom tits or nanny tits? which breasts will produce the better milk for the baby?
Rebecca: mine are bigger...
Mary Poppins: no MINE are.
Oprah: remember when we did a whole show on the Battle of the Breasts from this movie?...
at the trellis.
Rebecca: hey retard, you didn't see nothing!!! if you rat on me i'll make your life a living hell, i'll PULVERIZE ya!!! YOU wanted to suck my tits like the baby, too!!! you wanted me to be nursing you, too, you wanted me breastfeeding the mental illness out of you.
Rubikon: i mean this scene just SCREAMS slavery. is there anything more insulting and demeaning and dehumanizing than a white woman putting a black man down?
Ernie: i know but it says in the script that like a typical black man i'm overwhelmingly uncontrollably attracted to this white woman...
Rebecca: i'm gonna visit you at your mad-scientist office to drop off some papers and files about the surprise party and secret government genetic experiments you conduct here. and so you can tell me more about how you and your wife "christened" each room of the house. don't forget to watch me walk away.........i'll be sashaying my BIG Jennifer Pizarro butt...
Matt: she's my NANNY, guys, i pay her you know. she drains my bank account that's all.
Matt McCoy: oh my GOD. i'm looking at Rebecca's BUTT in that white see-through sheer nightgown. at the refrigerator. my eyes are WIDE open STARING.
Rebecca: like my husband Tom Cruise's wide shut eyes. you want something from the refrigerator?
Matt: milk.........
Rebecca: wanna fuck? forget your wife. you'll say yes cos i'm propositioning you under a torrential rainfall.
Matt: i'm a one-woman man.........i wish i had met you before my wife but that just didn't happen, it's too late now, we have kids.........okay i'll do it on one condition: we go up to my room and i put on this cassette tape of Starship's "Sara" and we make love to this song in the background. i'm only doing this because Starship is my favorite band.
Matt McCoy: i'll never be taken seriously again after this. how can i get a job on Seinfeld after this?
Rebecca: don't worry, Matt, your crazy eyes translate to comedy as well as drama, you'll be the goofy guy with the eyes on Seinfeld...
at dinner at a fancy steak restaurant.
Julianne Moore: how does that poem go again?.........something about Humpty Dumpty getting green from sickness and overcooking...
Annabella: how did you and my husband meet?
Julianne: we smoked a TON of cigarettes before he met you, that was our bond. hey, never let an attractive woman be your slave in your own house, it won't end well.
Annabella: care to be our nanny?
Julianne: ouch.
Matt: honey, remember to mail that VERY important proposal on time.
Annabella: how should i mail it?
Matt: it's the '90s, dear, there's only one place everyone goes to: FEDERAL EXPRESS.
Ernie: those panties were planted!!! how can you trust Peyton? look, her lips are quivering at all times!!!
Annabella: sometimes i think Emma.........hates me.
Rebecca: i don't think so. i'm the angry one, not Emma. i'll stop sabotaging you and turning your daughter against you if we.........make out ONE TIME to see if i like it...
Eye: okay this scene is HILARIOUS. with the wife and the red-headed friend in the next room at the surprise party and the wife's all to the husband, "you FUCKED that ginger bitch, didn't you" and Julianne Moore hears that through the walls and swinging door of the kitchen, that was HILARIOUS.
dry-cleaner: remember a dry-cleaner's at the corner of every hilly street in a city?...
Julianne: i have a deathly fear of greenhouses. i'm not scared of horror movies. i craved your husband once but not anymore. it's not the glass of the greenhouse impaling me with its sharp edges. but rather glass FALLING on me. all of this reminds me of Cam's suicide on Degrassi...
deputy: sarge, i think you better come over here and see this.
sarge: what happened in this greenhouse?
deputy: chainsaw accident...
Annabella: you can't steal a family.
Rebecca: why not?
Annabella: cos it's dumb. how is this gonna work? Emma knows YOU aren't her real mother. what are you gonna do? drug her till she turns 18 and gets emancipated from you by the courts?
Annabella: this isn't a chick fight, not a girl fIght, not a female fracas. it's LUKE SKYWALKER VS. DARTH VADER!!! let's pull out our lightsabers!!!
Rebecca: all i have is this normal regular key. damn it, i KNEW i should have had a skeleton key. a church key, but i never went to church in my life...
Rebecca: you know those little baby-monitor walkie-talkie things are really rather demonic...
Mia Farrow as Rosemary Woodhouse: ...
Annabella: and i'm only armed with my INHALER. that's right, i'm the HEROINE of this film because until me there was no representation of people with asthma in a Hollywood movie. i showed the world that people with asthma can fight back in life, too. asthmatics aren't helpless. i knew i'd recover from my asthma attack because it was raining in my hospital window. i'm a MAMA BEAR, bitch, i'd die for mine, you're gonna get PIERCED THROUGH by my white picket fence, you white-savioress WASP shrew. you homewrecker hussy. you home-stealing baby-stroller pusher. i'm Italian, motherfucker, i'm goomba, i'm mafia.
Rebecca falling to her death: wasp down my dress...
Mardith: Rebecca getting impaled by the symbol of domesticity, a white-picket-fence post. that's my pole post, that's what i wrote as my feminist interpretation of this scene for my college term paper. the Dracula vampiric patriarchy of it all, where women eat each other. you can't have TWO babes...
Ernie: yeah i'm the hero of this movie, too. i CARE, FEEL, and PROTECT despite my mental illness, bitch, that's something you could never understand. Rebecca, YOU crazy, i ain't crazy!!!...
Ernie: can i hold the baby? don't worry, i'm Solomon, not King Solomon...
Laertus: kind of a STRANGE spot to end the movie on. we still don't know how the husband's broken legs are doing and if he broke his back, too, falling off those basement garage stairs. what's his condition? does he require an ambulance? we'll never know. hotels are expensive. do the cops come to the house? probably not, the family just keeps everything that has happened hush-hush. this movie ends WEIRD...
Kurt Cobain: omg. guys, i just figured this out. Dr. Mott's suicide by gun, i was inspired BY THIS MOVIE for my endgame. this movie TAKES PLACE IN SEATTLE!!! coincidence? i think not. me in the greenhouse, huh huh? g'night folks.
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