Jen R and i are on a very rare occasional date at a Shakey's Pizza.
me: i love how your daughter wears the KING paper crown not the queen one.
i reach in and hug Jen R for a very long time, an hour or so, i squeeze her tight.
Jen R: you can let go now. what was that all about?
me: it's Hug A Librarian Day.
Jen R: ahh, very slick. this is the only day you can touch me legally. so how was the hug?
me: i blacked out when i touched you.
Jen R: ahh, you missed my sweater!!! see? you were so consumed with hugging me you missed the joke on my pink grandma sweater. see it now?
there's a penis pin on the left side vertical button trim of the sweater and the usual buttonhole on the right side.
me: omg that's hilarious!!! i haven't laughed this hard since i was a warthog.
Jen R: you mean sweathog.
me: i'm in love with you. i'm SERIOUS. how can i prove to you that i'm NOT JOKING?
Jen R: it's impossible. on both counts. it's not that i CAN'T believe you, it's just impossible to know. why don't we just say for now that you love me but aren't IN love with me, it's the In that's a volcano in outer space, you know?
Lindy Lenz: you know what? all of this, this whole scene, this whole date, was rather sweet.
Georgia Kernell: can you believe our pitcher got tossed for schmutz?!!! how did baseball become so interesting to me all of a sudden? what the A's are doing to their fanbase is a crime.
Luke Russert: the A's management can't see that their yellow-and-green uniforms are the best uniforms in SPORTS. they pull off the look of being human Sprites.
Georgia reading a Chaucer hardcover: everyone thinks my long blonde hair was my best look but i rather liked my rare red hair. it's National Bath Day? i only ever took a bath in the dorms at Berkeley...
Prince: why didn't i ever work with Michael Jackson on a collab song? i was the Michael Jackson of the Midwest, he was the Prince of the Pacific...
Michael Jackson: you were Minnesota Michael, i was CalPoly Prince.
Sasuke: come on, you two, let's settle this like men, let's settle this on the ping-pong court...
Leslie Sbrocco: there's nothing like PBS in the summer...
longshoreman: have you guys ever heard of vegan spaghetti? blew my wife and i. our minds away. it turned my butthole into gills. it took me back to the food at the asylum.
Leslie: you're a character. i like you. i like your knit porkpie hat.
longshoreman: what's your favorite old black-and-white movie projected onto a restaurant's white wall?
Leslie: the one with the fish...
longshoreman: cockle popcorn?
Leslie: it's not popcorn, it's fish...
chilli vinegar: so umami you'll read newspapers again. you'll mess you tongue up eating this.
fish: cod ain't cod unless it's unbreaded and wrapped in newspaper...
Gavin Newsom: when i become President of the United States it won't be the Los Angeles Sewer anymore, it'll finally be the Los Angeles River...
Maiara Walsh: ...
Genie Bouchard: you want to give me a good rogering? doesn't that mean rough sex?
Roger Federer: only at Wimbledon. everywhere else in the world it means me giving you tennis lessons.
Genie: you're not well, Roger, i'm a physician, lie down on my lap and let me examine you...
Roger: physician, heal thyself. why haven't you cured your concussions?...
Aaron Rodgers: rodgering means going to play for the expansion NFL team in London.
Casper the Friendly Ghost: it's scary how there's no tombstone emoji on Instagram.
yale sale: when Harvard kicks yo guys' asses in football.
Princeton: ...
Yale: it's just a yard sale...
Roger Federer: Orkin? ORKIN?!!! they don't choose me, they choose some unknown girl nobody's ever heard of...
Jack Tripper: what have i been doing? i'm still married to Vicky.
Vicky Tripper: Vicky Tripper? oh YES. we have 2 kids and we live ON THE SAND.
Jack: we moved to Las Vegas cos all the best chefs have their bistros along the Strip.
Vicky: and all the best sports teams are here...
Jack holds up a WE WANT THE CUP hockey jersey...
Vicky: we're huge Golden Knights fans.
Gladyce: DON'T get the trash bags with the HANDLE TIES!!! they're WILDLY UNWIELDY, dear.
Doryce: ungainly head is my specialty. thanks for the warning, babes.
Betsy Ross: every house in 1776 Philadelphia was a shoebox for graham crackers...
Dana King: i'm the real Ororo Munroe...
Pizza My Heart: Ride the Wave and Save!!!...
summer stress: sucks.
Leslie Sbrocco: the only thing that helps with summer stress is if Check Please episodes are NOT in summer reruns...
Jim Jarmusch: Forest Whitaker, do you remember me?
Forest Whitaker in samurai-code mode: no...
Treat Williams: if there EVER was a Rest In POWER situation, it's mine...
arome: Jim Rome predicting a woman would finally win the Belmont...
rocat: the Heathcliff reboot, reboot with a rocat...
Leslie Sbrocco: dude you literally just did HOW TO MAKE TOAST.
Jacques Pepin: don't make fun of me, woman, it was Melba bread...
Leslie: call me femme.
Eye Luggage: Arachnophobia and go.
Dirg: i'm not afraid of spiders.
Takahashi: yeah ya are. i saw you let a spider crawl on your dick to try to cure you of your phobia but it didn't work, you screamed like a little girl.
Tyzik: this was the quintessential '90s summer movie, right? or Halloween movie or something.
Steven Spielberg: once and for all, this is a HORROR COMEDY, not a COMEDY HORROR. it's more like Friday the 13th with Michael Myers and there's one scene about a gooey candybar at the general store for comic relief, rather than Scream which is a wink-wink knowing slasher.
John Goodman: this is the time period where i HAD to do EVERY Spielberg film, we had a secret handshake agreement we made at a Bob's Big Boy in Burbank where i contracted myself to do any little thing Steven imagined. which wasn't easy cos it's hard to contract my fat body...
Jeff Daniels: this was my bridge, i had done comedy, i was known for acid comedy, but then i do this...
Spielberg: ...horror comedy...
Jeff: and Hollywood sees that i can be serious. then i do Noah Baumbach's museum installation which is TOO serious for my liking.
Leslie Sbrocco: picture this. it's the last day of school. you get out early, it's a half-day, you're free at 12 NOON...what do you do now? you go see the MATINEE of Arachnophobia.........summer has OFFICIALLY begun...
longshoreman: i didn't go to school. i had to EAT those spiders...
Harley Jane Kozak: i'm not the guy from Breaking Away.........i'm a woman in fact. i'm that mom who's more cute than a milf. i wear cargo Bermuda shorts. why didn't I play Harley for fuck sake?!!! i have the perfect face to play that powdered puss clown cunt.
Bruce Timm eating a Quiznos: the character of Harleen Quinzel was first supposed to be a physician, not a bachelor's in psychology, so we were after Genie Bouchard to play the part, not you...
Harley Jane Kozak: my name sounds like rice pudding.
Laertus: i mean...
Julian Sands: i know.
Laertus: it's like, the thing is, we all here in the podcast booth support you, Julian Sands, you are a terrific actor.
Julian: and a great dad. i'm a Sands Dad.
Laertus: but it gets depressing considering your current situation.
Julian: i am quite lost in life right now.
Laertus: we all dedicate our review of Arachnophobia to you, Julian Sands, may you actualize a safe and speedy rescue from atop the high mountains slick with unfortunate rain.
Julian: but will you do the same with Boxing Helena? will you force yourselves to watch Boxing Helena in tribute to me?
Laertus: that's where it gets icky. that's the impossible choice we have to make...
Frances Bay: in all horror films, the granny goes before the black man...
Kathy Kinney: Drew Carey saw me in this!!! picture me as the first female host of Wheel of Fortune...
Stuart Pankin: i am ALWAYS the side character!!! why can't i have my own show where I AM SEINFELD?!!!...
Mandy Patinkin: ...
Mandy Patinkin: are we related?...
Mary Carver: now I am a MILF!!!
Lia Sargent: mom had a sexy voice, she gave me my sexy anime voice, where i play all the femme-fatale anime full-bodied women roles...
tepui: the table top where Venezuelans play cards. you can grow maize only on top of the mesa, not around it...
Julian Sands: me as Dr. James Atherton, can we just stop and take a gander at MY GLORIOUS LUXURIOUS LONG LOCKS OF BLOND HAIR?!!! i was Kurt Cobain before Kurt Cobain!!! i mean who had ever heard of a man with long BLOND hair before i came along? it's too silly, it's too strange, it's too bizarre, hair on a man that's corn-colored and long.
Kurt Cobain: he's right, i copied my look from Julian Sands. didn't end well for either of us...
Julian Sands: how do i know i'm right about these spiders? i'm British, i speak with a British accent. you know you're in the right exotic tropical Enya cave when your cave has only ONE beam of sparkling yellow light, many vines to Tarzan yell to land that echo just right, and the cave has a swimming pool/jacuzzi at the bottom...
Rubikon: oh that dude's a goner, arrogant American dude with the attitude wearing that French In Action Yale sweater and Washington Redskins cap thinking he knows everything. there's more to life than nature photography, buddy!!! talkin bout gettin tenure. spider-bite yo ass, BYE BYE, sucka.
Julian: entomology is boring as FUCK, the only thing that keeps us going is the possibility that humanity will go extinct from one spider bite. do you want me leading the hike?
university science team: NO!!!...
Julian: we collect the spiders in these GIANT SILVER FUNNELS cos it looks cool.
Spielberg: this is how my Attack on Titan movie is gonna look...this cave is the opening scene...
Julian: i shoot webs not from my wrists but with a bazooka attached to my wrist, the American way.
Julian: we use these funnels to make spider soap.
Madame Pons: ...
Julian: right? that's how everyone pours the soap.
Madame Pons: soap that looks like spiders in your tub...i don't know if they'd be top-sellers...
Julian: okay team, everyone swim in the muddy river.
Carlos Reygadas: ...
Julian: we can't trust American choppers to helicopter us to safety...
Julian: ...in this jungle...
Julian: he's dead. put him in this wooden coffin and leave him here, nobody say a word, don't contact his parents, nobody really has parents in the grand scheme of things. small towns don't exist, WE are his home, keep calm and carry on, that is the British way...
man in coffin: did i drop my inhaler? does venom tickle?
Julian: these spiders have no sex organs? that's no fun...
Canaima: Canaima? Panama? where the sugarcane grows? just call it Pacific Grove and be done with it.
autopsist: i'm contacting next of kin. hello, your relative is DESICCATED AS FUCK. i mean he's just a flaming mound of burning rock at this point. so, open coffin?...
crow: quoth the crow, neverm...FUCK, THAT SPIDER BIT ME!!! fuck you stupid spider, i was a poet...
town doctor: i know i'm the old town doctor, but why i gotta be such an ASSHOLE? such a crusty ol' prick...
Harley: don't be a dillweed, honey. don't be a sissy, i didn't marry a softie, i don't want to be the wife of a dullard.
Jeff: my fear of spiders is well-founded, a spider came into my crib and bit my head off, literally. it then crawled into my bottle of warm formula. and then Santa gives me a spider ring for my first Christmas. what was Santa thinking?
nail gun: watch this space, this is foreshadowing, this nail gun is a Chekhov's gun...
Jeff: there's nothing wrong with you.
Mary Carver: i haven't had sex in 40 years. don't listen to the townsfolk, they like to gossip but they're all talk. and all dumb. the old coot of a town doctor doesn't know his head from his ass.
Jeff: can i touch your ass? to examine it.
Mary: that's next week in The Hand That Rocks the Cradle...
house spider: i had to raise a family in a barn like Jesus. i didn't actually live in the house. don't come in, my place is a mess, my living room looks like an Alien nest...
Hugh Hefner: look, matriphagy is not sexy, okay? matriphagy is not cool. i've eaten mothers but not like that...
old doctor: SHE DIED OF A HEART ATTACK!!!
new doctor: a heart attack?
old doctor: AFTER LOOKING AT YOUR UGLY FACE!!! why'd you stop giving her pills?
new doctor: it was Viagra...
Jeff; oh no, i gotta do the Turn Your Head and Cough thing? no, this is not why i became a doctor, this is VERY embarrassing for me.
Jeff under the bleachers: sigh, turn your head and cough as i circle your nutsack with my curly finger. i won't touch your penises, i promise.
naked 18-year-old wrestlers: what are you checking for?
Jeff: to see if I have a hernia.
Ed from the band Live: the full title of our song is "Turn My Head.........And Cough".
Dr. Metcalf: what are you reading in bed?
Metcalf's wife: a paperback of Dr. Spock explaining I Ching. remember reading in bed? oh no, dear, what are you doing?
Metcalf: i was going to use this Peloton machine...
Jack Kevorkian: sign here, here, and here.
Jeff signs in triplicate.
Kevorkian: i'm FINALLY FREE, motherfuckers!!! all you bastards can rot in hell.
Avo Babian: ...
John Goodman: so.........what is this?
Spielberg: Jaws with spiders. and the house is very Exorcist.
John: ah huh.
Spielberg: you get to play the goofy guy in this, the comic relief for this horror film.
John: i've always wanted to wear the exterminator's uniform, you know? blue collar like Roseanne. i'm like the FIFTH GHOSTBUSTER. do i get to expel exterminator roach fluid at the spiders?
Spielberg: by shooting it through a gun, the American way.
Michael J. Fox: can you believe i've never worked with Spielberg or George Lucas? the closest i'll come is having a spider on my face on the TV screen showing an episode of Family Ties. we were the #1 show in the country at the time. but not Canada which makes me sad. i'm not scared of spiders, i'm scared of dying.
teenage girl babysitter: can i at least read the two tykes a Little Golden Books?
Spielberg: sorry, they all have spiders on the covers.
babysitter: so i'm doing the Psycho shower scene here?
Spielberg: yep. so do you have big-enough tits? otherwise the scene is compromised, the spider won't show, you know?
Mardith: i auditioned for the babysitter part...
spider scare extra: no, please don't spray my entire body with that stuff to attract the spider to me.
Consuela, the maid from Family Guy: Lemon Pledge is good, Lemon Pledge is healthy.
Julian: you know what entices spiders to do your bidding? my long blond hair. don't worry, these spiders are redneck hicks, they crossbreed, they won't harm anyone. it's Patton warfare out there, gentlemen. general warfare. do you know what an Ant Colony is?
assistant with glasses: yeah that's that game with the water in the plastic square and you push the gel button to push rings through the water. and a cool band from California who did a Michael Jackson cover...
Julian: cut. um, Steven, can i talk with you for a minute? we need to talk. you said i wouldn't die.
Spielberg: but you die by becoming a cotton candy cocoon, that's the ultimate coolness.
Julian: i mean you said i could be your next Spider-Man.
Spielberg: this is you as Spider-Man, you're Spider-Man right now in the cotton candy cocoon.
Julian: why can't scientists be superheroes? why must scientists always be the villain?...
Jeff: so i'm the scientist protagonist in this as i'm a medical doctor. oh why do spiders have to be such wine fans? such wine buffs?
John Goodman: none of this would have happened if you had cans of Bud Light wine with a misprint on the label. spiders are smart, they don't like change, they would go back to where they came from...
John: and your warm worn rotting wood was a problem, too...
wife and kids upstairs in the kitchen: oh honey, watch where you're shooting that nail gun, those nails tickle the soles of my feet!!!
Jeff: i didn't know you were ticklish, honey. just wear those Redbottoms i got you when i shoot up. let's make love to test your ticklish...
Dirg thumbs-downing: boo, they still have to say make love instead of fuck...
Jeff: oh THAT's why it never worked, to turn the electricity back on after a blackout, the tumbler switch is located in the EGG SAC. how do you like your eggs?
spider queen: runny...
Jeff: we moved the entire family here to San Francisco. we live in an apartment so tiny it can only fit ONE loveseat.
Harley Jane Kozak: honey i have a confession to make. you have a phobia of spiders, i have a phobia of earthquakes. we have to move back to Canaima. but don't worry, i have a fax machine, it's the '90s, A FAX MACHINE SOLVES EVERY PROBLEM.
Jeff: how do you mean?
Harley: when the earthquake hits we all jump under my fax machine to protect our heads from falling debris...
India: fax machines are still HUGE over here in 2023...
Tony Bennett: for the record i'm not scared of spiders. nor those cannibal crickets i encounter when i go down to Mission Viejo. i fear no spider, only a woman, Gaga. and a man, Frank Sinatra. Gaga and Sinatra. you know why Frank was so skinny when he was young? he forced me to eat his food. i'm afraid of long tables with chairmen. i left my heart in San Francisco.........and the spiders ate it...
Mitt Romney: Tony Bennett, you're the perfect Mormon...
Spider-Man at City Hall gets up to the mic and addresses the rabid crowd. all 4 Ghostbusters are in the crowd causing a ruckus.
Spider-Man: THIS MOVIE GIVES SPIDERS A BAD NAME. THIS MOVIE MAKES SPIDERS THE BAD GUY. THIS MOVIE BLAMES SPIDERS FOR ALL OF THE WORLD'S EVILS. BOYCOTT THIS MOVIE. that is all.
Spider-Man leaves being carried out by the crowd on top of the good mob. Spider-Man crowdsurfs to safety before being squished by adulation.
Spider-Man winking through his mask to the camera: can't mash a mosher. i'm a mosher, not a masher. a lover, not a fighter. g'night folks.
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