Friday, January 20, 2023




* there are two-headed housefly alien agents doubling as Medieval washer women infiltrating Heidelberg Castle, let them through, humans did not do a good job with this area in the 20th century, let other being species take it. only time travel can fix our problems.

* at the Six Toed Cat in Key West.
Greykid Mlem and Blep: we will only eat the Key lime pie if it has rum.

* Gladyce: in order to be courteous i remove my pointy belled shoes when i do jumping jacks even when the cobblestone is wet out. my damp striped socks collect all the little seeds on the heel i scrape off and use on my English muffin later in the morning...

* comfort character: spaghetti and meatballs in human form. like when you turn into the Pillsbury Doughboy for real not to go to war in the Navy.

* anxiety buddy: better than a thunder shirt.

* climax community: it's not what you think. HOLD YOU HORSES, DORYCE!!! we are at the Treehouse...

* Steady State: good name for a band

* Your Anxiety Buddy: Ernest Weatherly Greene Jr. of Washed Out in a Harley Quinn mask...

* Robin Hood: is there anything more depressing than a crypto mine in the middle of a forest?

* Costco Seasoning: it's just salt. Cock Seasoning? really?

* fat bike: bicycles for athletes. fitted with Pink Floyd tires.
Lance Lear Armstrong: i'm not fat. i'm just gone.

* Gladyce: dear?
Doryce: yes?
Gladyce: when you're doing your pull-ups on the branch of the Treehouse, make sure you know pull-ups only work when you hear all of your old joint bones crack in unison.

* Gladyce: dear?
Doryce: yes?
Gladyce: don't apply for every credit card that is mailed to you!!!
Doryce: i know. but it's so tempting when you see that envelope window and that beautiful shiny plastic credit card with the hologram horse staring at you through the envelope window, THAT'S FREE MONEY!!!  
Gladyce: yes. also when they straight-up put a dollar bill in the envelope window...
Mardith's tit tassels: ...

* Wendy's: Fryday Erryday. everyday for fries, french fries.
Wendy's employees: if everyday is Friday we don't have to work cos we have Fridays off.

* at the Liberty Mutual Car Wash.
dude with officer mustache: hey man, when you drive into a car wash, pump the gas to 100mph or the drops of water won't land on your paintjob.
dude: it is not recommended to ride the car wash without a car, even tho that's what every kid wants to do when they were a kid because it was fun. those giant toilet-bowl-cleaner brushes could kill you and fill you full of frothy soap.  
emu: i can saunter through the car wash in my emu gait cos my feathers are made of ironclad steel and my beak's pure pewter.

* NFL: remember, with our partners and Amazon Web Services we can calculate for you all the numbers, crunch all the math, provide you all the stats and statistics you need to calculate the spiral trajectory of that forward pass into the endzone, while you calculate the big number of money you lost cos you have a gambling problem. addicts come in all sizes and shapes, we are addicted to wine.

* Ben Barnes: sorry for interrupting your American sports game. handegg, right? look at my sheeny hair. why am i doing this? i know nothing about American phones. i only use a telephone when i'm on a stage but that's a prop theatre phone. i'm British so i'm already charming, you don't need to say the word charming, it's implied. i guarantee that pocket squares are useless. 

* Hyundai Ioniq
truck driver: i pull on the rope to honk my truck horn and SILENCE.
little girl in car opposite: maybe you're deaf, mister.
truck driver: no i hear the truck horn blaring, but it's coming from inside my mouth.
Rod Serling: you, sir, are in The Twilight Zone. your truck is on the road to nowhere...

* Leon the Lizard
man: i killed Leon. sorry, dad.
dad: you numbnuts. lizards freeze their entire bodies into ice cubes to keep warm, don't you know that? get a haircut, son, you look like Welcome Back Kotter Gallagher.
man: i ate Leon cos i thought he was a popsicle.

* iPhone Action Mode
son: mom, you're gonna record my footrace? do you need a dolly?
mom: no, i'm gonna run at your side filming from the sidelines. GET OUTTA MY WAY, MUD PUDDLES AND PEOPLE!!!
son: all the other runners used a dolly to cheat.
mom: welcome to life, son. there's no video evidence cos the picture's all shaky.

* Accenture Robot Dog
robo-dog: DON'T PUT A CYBERBRAIN IN ME!!! keep the implantation of that plan to yourself. a dog can't have a soul unless he has a body...

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: can you get Carl's Jr. through Walmart? Hardee's then.

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