Friday, January 13, 2023




* Greykid Mlem and Blep: the price of eggs is high? who cares, we are DEVASTATED hearing about the Avian Flu. our poor poor poor bird brothers and sisters with sauce.

* Osaka: the sex was not quiet, let me tell you. baby daddy? Federer of course!!!

* alcohol: the only cure for loneliness, but only if you're a writer in the woods or a model in the woods...

* Alita paperback book: it comes with an energy drink!!!

* the Cinemark Cats: the thing is, they're more like Fritz the Cat than Tom & Jerry...

* Boc: 100 jumping jacks a day so i don't have to walk anymore. fuck, i never knew jumping jacks could make me pant like this. i thought i had sweat my last. i am NEVER going back to doing that creepy morning walk in an abandoned minefield. thing is, i can't do the jumping jacks INDOORS cos i'll punch a hole in the wood floor with my foot.
Gladyce: i feel ya dear, i tend to do my witch jumping jacks OUTDOORS on the cobblestone. the witch jumping jacks are a bit easier cos we can fly. i even do them in my SOCKS so i make even less noise for our poor neighbors. 
Boc: i thought you lived alone. isn't that killer on your ankles to do jumping jacks without shoes? aren't your round bones round your ankles spinning hot after?
Gladyce: jumping jacks in the rain, it's so ROMANTIC!!!

* garden-path sentences: basically, you just need to add a comma...

* me: i need a crash course in driving.........wait...

* Airheads are the best Halloween candy.

* CPAP: hey that Bane mask from Batman is really giving us a bad name. it's hard enough to get people to wear the CPAP mask...
Captain Kirk putting his arm around Bane: i'm too cool to wear a mask, space needs to see my face.

* Kyrgios: Hewitt couldn't do it. i am PRIMED to be the Australian man who wins the Australian Open...

* Doryce: prods? no not more useless merch, the good stuff, the sex toys.

* outside of your name: on the porch

* Popeyes: our ghost pepper wings aren't really that hot. nor spicy. they just kinda taste like rosemary, you know? our sauce isn't hot, it's just buttermilk. it's like when you taste that Flamin' Hot En Fuego Carolina Chile Spicy Mountain Dew and it just tastes like cherry...

* Dr. Rick: don't speak to the people inside the elevator with you, that's rude. if you're gonna chat up the mademoiselle babe in the Paris shirt at least talk about the elevator inside the Eiffel Tower...

* Taco Bell: we've tried to make the Mexican Pizza appetizing but it always ends up just looking weird, you know? let's see if FOURTH TIME'S THE CHARM. 
Celty on her motorcycle: delivery.
woman in 12 boyfriend shirt: this is not my boyfriend's shirt, this is a pajama shirt, my boyfriend hates football. why doesn't my Mexican Pizza look gooey like in the commercial? my hot sauce packet says TAKE ME HOME.
Celty: you're already home, you're amongst friends. you're allowed to have a big-screen TV on your roof? they don't have lofts like these in Japan.
Celty: you can't have bistro lights if you're not eating pizza. regular pizza.
woman: i root for the 12th Man.
Celty: the Seattle Seahawks do not deserve to be in the playoffs...

* AT&T Space Launch
Lily: you don't have to buckle your seatbelt, you'll be floating in space soon.
astronaut: i wasted my entire afternoon on THIS?!!! that college football championship game was a GARBAGE ROUT. was Georgia playing a junior-high team? is there such a thing as Junior High Lights?

* Dr. Pepper Fansville
jock bully: you want my letterman jacket, pretty boy? it's cold out.
Corey Haim: i prefer my plaid.
jock bully: whatsa matter? you can't drink REGULAR Dr. Pepper?
Corey Haim: sugar makes you hyper and irrational.
girlfriend: he's not a vampire, he's a lost soul cos he stole from his parents.
Corey Haim: actually i am a Lost Boy. put out this bonfire, spicy marshmallows are sold in stores now.
girlfriend: oversharing makes you weak, jock bully, it was only sexy that one time when Dr. Phil shared with Cash Me Outside Girl that he had never farmed a day in his life.

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: can't go anywhere, the McDonald's drivethru has been rained out, it washed out to sea, washed away, there's no drivethru paved-road anymore. besides, everyone's gonna take a rain check and watch the playoff football games, right? nothing like NFL on a Saturday...

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