ALITA: BATTLE ANGEL: THE EYES HAVE IT

 

Night Court (2023): this show is non-anime Tenchi Muyo GXP, it's comfort food before bed.

Richard Moll: why didn't i reprise my role as Bull the Bailiff? i was hit with the Dragon's curse. also, i'm too tall to act. also, i'm waiting on a role as a very special boxer in the Mike Tyson's Punch Out movie...

Marsha Warfield: see the thing of it is i mean i was never contacted AT ALL about this. same old, same old, everyday i walk out my door i'm at war with society, it never ends.

Markie Post: in general eschatological terms, how does one explain cancer?

Harry Anderson: there's magic in Heaven.

Charles Robinson: obviously i play Little Mac's trainer in the movie...

John Larroquette: Dan Fielding for the defense...

Cotard: um, BEARD GOALS, MAN.

Dan Fielding: enough about all the lonely meat in my fridge, if you're gonna use the term correctly use the proper '80s term for it: Steak-umms.

Betty White: why is EVERY ORGANIZATION in Miami, Florida?...

Harold T. Stone's blonde judge daughter: is it just me or is our prosecutor too skinny. i'm worried about her, Hollywood pressure sucks. btw my marriage is rock solid and this isn't a Reese Witherspoon thing, i'm actually smart, i aced law school in 3rd grade, i was on that Big Bang show for fuck sake!!!

Knock at the Cabin: the title of this film really needed to have the word Apocalypse in it...

Janine Turner: i'm not related to Ted Turner.........but we're ALL KINDA RELATED to Ted Turner.

Greta Thunberg: see when i get arrested and detained, it's for a good cause. when Andrew Tate gets arrested and detained, you don't want to know what it's for...

HomePod in the Crespi Library: the Apple fireplace. the hygge home-economics hearth. also a bundle of glowing yarn you can knit.

Eye Luggage: Alita: Battle Angel and go.

Alita: this is not Ghost in the Shell...

James Cameron: the most interesting thing about this movie is not the NAMING CONTROVERSY, that was stupid, copyright is too complicated, just name the thing Atila and be done with it. nor the advance in computer technology. no not the tech in this 2563 world, i mean the tech used to MAKE this world in 2019. it's my blood oath with Robert Rodriguez. we SWORE to each other like Chicano brothers that would make Alita 2. don't worry it's happening, it will be made, i just have to secure a few coins from my Avatar ambitions.

Robert Rodriguez: we filmed the blood oath, too. there's me in a scene with my cowboy hat on cutting James Cameron's hand with a big-ass Texan knife like a huge butcher cleaver and the blood everywhere and we shake red palms. and then we suck each other's thumb like the wings of an osprey.

Mark Borchardt: it's not a Rambo knife but it was cool.

Ichigo: it's not a Bleach blade but it was cool.

James Cameron: RITCHIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Laertus: i'm gonna come right out and go ahead and address the elephant in the room: the e-elephant: THOSE BIG-ASS ANIME EYES!!!

Eye: those things are monsters, they make the eyes go from cute to kawaii.

Laertus: those eyes are a CHOICE, and i'm here to say THE EYES WORK. they do, they really do, they just...do. they bring such vibrancy to an otherwise standard main character. they bring the live-action ALIVE. i don't know whose first idea this was to do the eyes like this but it's a stroke of BRIGHT GENIUS. a brilliant masterstroke. from now on all anime adaptations into the real world MUST HAVE THESE EYES. Dragonball wouldn't have tanked if Emmy Rossum had had THESE EYES.

Dirg: i don't know who needs to hear this, i don't know if i'm allowed to say this, but, Alita is hot. i have dreams about her.

Alita: do you find me attractive? do you find my creepy eyes and my creepy smile attractive? do you find that my body is unnatural and jarring? do you get uncomfortable every time i move my face?

Tilly Lockey wearing a locket on TV: i wasn't exactly exploited by the Alita crew.........with my pair of custom-made bionic Hero Arms.........but the whole promotion was a bit scuzzy. people are people, you know? people are not merely tools to sell product and make boatloads of money.

Rosa Salazar: watch out, Jeopardy, we Canadian babes are coming for you.

Christoph Waltz: i sell vacuums.

Melissa Maker: ... for both of those.

Christoph Waltz: i have the perfect voice to narrate documentary dialogue.

Christoph Waltz: dancingly on the tongue...

Jennifer Connelly: the mark on my forehead indicates i'm not a virgin, you can't tell just from looking at me.

Mahershala Ali: i'm Blade. plain and simple. don't mess with me, well, one iteration of me.

Keean Johnson: i coulda SWORE i was on The Torkelsons on Disney Channel...

Ed Skrein: why do i look like Casper Van Dien's wayward son? i look like the only skate punk in the history of time who wasn't cool.

Michelle Rodriguez: i'm so cool i can chew gum at Cannes and everyone thinks it's cool.

Paul Newman: especially me.

Dr. Ido at the scrapyard: i was hoping to find WALL-E but whatever i'll take this girl.

Alita: do i have a cyberbrain? nevermind don't answer that. why is your hand all cut up? where do you go at night? are you a Jack The Ripper-style killer in this cyberpunkscape?

Ido: yes i am a killer. of bad guys. only if you have a cyberbrain can you comprehend the complexity of my job title and description. let's stick with something simpler: do you like oranges?

Alita: no i like CHOCOLATE!!! i'm a GIRL for fuck sake!!!

Ido: sorry, new to this girl-dad thing.

Alita: why am i alive? why did you create me? why did you make me? who am i?

Ido: this is gonna sound depraved but you're in the body of my dead daughter.

Alita: aw i think that's sweet, people grieve in different ways.

Ido: you never stood a chance.

Alita: cos i i mean your daughter was in a wheelchair. i'll avenge her when i get wheels on my Motorball feet.

Alita: why do you keep bumping into me, lady?!!! that's rude!!! what's your problem?!!!

Dr. Chiren: quit chirping, bird. i'm Female Darth Vader, watch for my reverse heel-turn. and i'm your mom.

Alita: oh so you're MY problem.

at the high-rise loft balcony Meta apartment. in bed.

Chiren: they didn't show our sex scene. and I STILL GOT MORE ACTION than when i was with Tom Cruise in Top Gun: Maverick!!!

Vector: that was nice. can i roleplay as someone other than Blade next time?

Zalem: Salem?

Alita: i'm not elite i live in the gutter. down below. how does that rich sky city stay up there in the sky floating without crashing down to Earth? literally. gravity? antigravity? water?

Hugo: it uses natural gas. kinda like how Heaven stays up in the sky.

Alita: you're lucky i like my boys beefcake, i can't do skinny like me.

Hugo: do you like my motorcycle?

Alita: yeah i like bad boys.

Hugo: no i mean my motorcycle goes straight up, it's completely VERTICAL.

Hugo: do you like anti-grav? Motorball is looking for new recruits to replace Tom Brady. the only way to get out of the projects is to become a professional athlete. or a rapper like Dua Lipa.

Alita: i mean did Rollerball come before the manga or what? my dad saw that movie. my dad wearing an orange headband beat up James Caan AND Bruce Lee in a 1970s parking lot after the movie.

Hugo: Skate or Die the video game came out in 1960...

Shia LaBeouf: omg this is so weird i know exactly what's going to happen i don't need to see the movie, it's FOLLOWING THE MANGA to the letter to a T.

Monsignor Navin: i know, right? same. imma fortuneteller. i can predict the future. i'm a black-arts seer. well the first half of the movie anyway, the first two episodes of anime, none of the Motorball stuff later.

Panzer-Kunst: back when MMA was cool. MMA used to have flags, no contact.

Alita: don't lose your head or i'll lose mine. just tryna keep things light.

Hunter-Warrior bound by the Factory, bound to make Willy Wonka's candy under his legs.

Alita: as long as there's chocolate.

Ido: why do you want to work? just become a hikikomori. here, just stay by this vending machine and get yourself a can of Coke, take my last quarter.

Alita's foraging hiker group: where are we?

Alita: it's a swamp. it used to be Disneyland. here is where the Millennium Falcon rests. the Berserker had shock troops cos it was shocking just how much violence is in the Berserk anime.

that one friend: so you used to be Martian?

Alita: that's racist, man.

Rubikon: him of all people shoulda understood.

at the KANSAS BAR.

Kitschensyngk from the animesuperhero boards: no no no this will not do, like My Hero Academia you need a Smash that is either Brooklyn or L.A. or San Francisco or Portland or Austin so you know it'll work. i'm the only one left in Kansas who has refined diction, an expansive vocabulary i ease into, a breezy grad-college-level awareness of politics, and an expert knowledge of anime like i have an expert handle on mathematics. i'm smart but nice. i'm kind but clever with the wordplay. i'm cunning but not a cunt. i'm the coolest man you will never meet.

Zapan: so like i'm Japan but cooler?

Alita: there's nothing cooler than Japan.

Zapan: all i care about is my hair.

Alita: here, use this oil.

Greykid Mlem and Blep: that Toto dog better fucking be okay.

Grewishka: don't blame me, i'm CyberHulk with a bad cyberbrain and a bad perm. this society is not letting me live as a Two-spirit.

Greykid: don't you dare imitate my cat whiskers!!!

Alita: imagine Sally Field with my eyes.

Ido: i came too late. what will become of a city when all the bars are destroyed? i came on time, here, Alita, next time use my pool-cleaning stick.

McTeague: people who hate dogs are worse than scum.

Kakashi: ...

at the kiss.

Hugo: i didn't tell you cos i was TERRIFIED you'd learn my secret. i sell illegal body parts on the open market.

Alita: it's okay Hugo i still love you. it's the open market not the black market. Heaven is a nice goal but it's expensive, you had to do it for money. well, for scratch. we robots can be pieced, peaced, and put back together again, a human such as yourself however would be crushed to death under one night of sex with me. can a robot love a human?

Hugo: yes but a human can't love a Quincy. only a Soul Reaper can.

Alita: i forgive you.

Hugo: you are the most human person i know around here.

Alita: i don't want to be human, human ain't all it's cracked up to be, i just want to be me. in the manga i fumblingly search for a dirty motel so we can fuck.

Alita: you have my heart, LITERALLY.

Hugo: please put your metal heart back in your chest. girl, sex with you is gonna be FREAKY.

Alita: iron's like gold here, right? what's the prize money for winning the Motorball Super Bowl?

Hugo: Motorball will be televised on The CW.

Motorball announcer: OOOOOH THAT'S GOTTA HURT!!! you were waiting for that, huh?

Zapan: Damascus steel, nothing stronger on Earth. or the galaxy. 

Alita: not harder than my head. that's an illegal weapon, i'm turning you in.

Zapan: good, i never wanted to be a Hunter-Warrior anyway, i look like a Terminator who was never fed milk.

Chiren: i saved your boyfriend, can i be your mom now?

Alita: only if you protect him from me. i'm a bad influence.

Chiren: can i sleep with him?

Alita: is that how it works with all mother-daughter relationships? does it always end up with the father gone after the divorce and the mother and daughter fighting over the daughter's boyfriend?

Alita: i'm crashing the glass like The Major, that's the only similarity.

Vector: your mom had good-looking organs. she was very cheerful.

Alita: you sick son of a bitch!!!

Vector: it's not me!!! i'm being controlled!!! i'm a gentle man, an Academy Award-winning actor!!! i read quietly, i studied Shakespeare on the banks of the Mississippi River!!!

Nova: FEAR ME!!! even though i only appear in the last two minutes of this movie!!! i'm still scary, i still retain my Fight Club cachet. i exude sequel. joke's on you, Zalem is just a GIANT VACUUM CLEANER!!! now die BY MY SPIKY GIANT WASHERS!!!

Shia: oh god, here comes the scene where Hugo dies, in the anime i sobbed like a baby for one week after watching this. it was so depressing, i felt so bad for Alita, you will never get over the rest of your life losing your first and only love.

Navin: two weeks crying for me. over Coke and lime, no rum. i stuffed myself with bread and Communion wafers.

Hugo hanging off a cliff: thank you for loving me. ALL OF ME, even tho now i'm just a torso.

Alita hanging off a cliff: my anime eyes are crying enough tears for three people.

Dua Lipa: wait the set for my music video is more expensive than the budget for this movie, that's never good. g'night folks.

Alita: war sucks. war on the moon is stupid, we should be living there. use plasma for egg-drop challenges not swords. one thing war did give me tho is that it prepared me to be a professional parkourist. g'night folks.

Robert Rodriguez: you will remember Alita 10 years from now. people have already forgotten Star Wars. g'night folks. 

James Cameron: my next movie is a documentary on Amish life on a farm. g'night folks.