Monday, January 16, 2023

CRESPI CRISPY APPLE: THAT FUCKING EGG-DROP CHALLENGE SCIENCE-EXPERIMENT THING






Avo Babian: Egg Drop Challenge.
me: what the hell is that?
Mr. Diamond: i'm just the Spanish teacher but you have to drop an egg from a 20-story brick building and the egg can't crack and splatter gooey yellow yolk all over a manhole cover dripping into the street sewer.
me: when's it due?
Michaela From Safeway: tomorrow.
me: tomorrow tomorrow? like the Bake Sale?
Michaela From Safeway: don't worry about baked goods, i'll take care of any baked goods, Safeway has a PIMP BAKERY.
me: what the fuck are we gonna do so we don't get an F? i'm trying to visualize it now in my head and i got bupkus. i'm gonna wrap one printer-paper around the egg and drop it just to see. maybe it won't break?
Michaela From Safeway: don't worry about any kind of paper, Safeway's got you covered: towel, moisturized, toilet...
Avo: speaking of, brown toilet-paper rolls, drop the egg and it lands square on top of the roll totem pole.
Bartolomeo Twins AND Najera Twins: use a white-and-red Chinese-food oyster-pail box as the basket? that has to work all around the world.
Mr. Diamond: dunk the egg in a glass vat of red barber-comb water. i know about cutting hair.
me: i'm stumped and scared. i'm nervous and nebbish. i'm peeing my pants right now.
Mr. Diamond: pee in the sewer.

Jim Cantore: if i'm visiting your hometown, that is NOT a good thing. a highway island is not a tourist attraction, it's not Highway Island. if Tina your newly-elected Monterey Mayor Mama is on CNN, that is NOT a good thing. Swollen Creek Cheek was my band in college.

FedEx: you never see our minivans, all you see is your package in a box magically appearing on your doorstep in the middle of the night.

dumping smoke: i don't want to live at that truck stop.

Geno Smith: NEVER give up...

Moose Johnston: i want to be known from this point on forevermore as Wishbone Johnston...

Rick Rubin: admit it, you want to be MY kind of monk with the long flowing beard, not a monk trapped in a monastery. 
Codrus and Cotard: yes.

the Joker: you can't really do practical-joke hidden-camera prank TV shows anymore. nobody, no human on Earth, is feeling pranks anymore, covid made the planet permanently serious.

booty pin: 1980s Depends

Lucio Rossi: i always admired the beautiful friendship between the two men on The Mighty Boosh. the mustachioed captain of industry, the gentleman with the cabana straw hat, Howard Moon, and the dude with the spiky raven punk hair who always wore a silvery shiny sleek one-piece bodysuit, Vince Noir.
Julian Barratt: even the name reeks of grandeur: Howard Moon.
Noel Fielding: i am Dan Fielding's father with the mangina.
Lucio: i CRAVE this friendship, i've been searching for it my whole life. my entire life of egg excess has led nowhere, life isn't worth it if you don't have a companion, it doesn't need to be a woman, it could be a lifelong traveling partner. you know, that guy to do anything and everything crazy with, he's up for anything inane and insane cos it's fun. life's meant to be SHARED, it's meant to be DONE JOINT. these two men are total outcasts from society so they must always rely on one another, they feed into each other's quirks, they are the other's only soft place to land in a cruel world with a moon that talks. he works at a curiosity shop that sells board games for criminy Cyril Christ sake. the other dude is always dressed as if glam-band auditions are tonight. they do stage shows at greasy nightclubs and ride elevators in their heads. they use their joint imaginations to ward off the mockery and derision and depression of the cold creativeless world.
Monsignor Navin: they drop acid at a zoo.
Shia LaBeouf: yeah what was that first season? that was weird. they were at some ZOO or something? with alien animals?
Lucio: the two men can come to each other ONLY EACH OTHER to discuss their failures with women, their missing board pieces, their game-theory strategies, and their strange love of cheese. they have each other's back AT ALL TIMES twenty years after cancellation whether that back is shirted with a Hawaiian shirt or a shirt with silver sparkles.

Bruce Willis: Moonlighting "The Dream Sequence Always Rings Twice," regarded by TV GUIDE as one of the greatest hours of television of all time ever. hi, i can talk again.
Cybill Shepherd: why is it that no one notices a WOMAN'S BODY until it's smashed into a tight silvery shiny sleek lounge-singer wine dress and LONG microphone.
Orson Welles: do you realize this was THE VERY LAST THING I EVER DID. this episode intro here, i delivered my final monologue with a twinkle in my eye, a puff in my cigar, and my Burl Ives rosy cheeks. that was the last time the world ever saw my great girth and grandeur again. oh this starred well cos it was in black-and-white obviously.
Al Jarreau: the Moonlighting theme song i sing here that i composed bestows upon the listener that special kind of morose unrelenting dark nostalgia that kills you inside cell by cell, turning your cells dank. you can't explain it, it's that nostalgia that you can ever get back, can never grab again, it's HIRAETH Homesickness, that Welsh welling up with neverending terrific terrible tears.
Ally McBeal: thank you Moonlighting for being the first dramedy. without you there's no me. tho i can never figure out the math of how many jokes to how many serious-drama bits, what's the golden ratio?
Cybill: all men are butlers, that's not sexist.
Bruce: don't you love those old stage theaters in downtown Los Angeles where the spotlight is one unlampshaded lightbulb? it was weird cos the two of us were supposed to be moonlighting as a pair of heartbreak detectives ferreting out affairs. but really we were MOONLIGHTING AS ACTORS cos we play different parts each episode, different roles, different characters in different one-week plays, it was like Quantum Leap without the sci-fi. and since when is a clarinet capable of being a murder weapon?...

Boc: well okay not all exercise is useless but it must be useful towards something big. like for instance if i happen to take a walk to an Aztec pyramid in Mexico short walk from L.A., cos i heard it contains something that glitters.
Boc arrives at the steps of the pyramid to find Shakira in a T-shirt with Drake working at McDonald's on the front Drake sipping Bizarrap purple drank.
Shakira: climb to the top step with me.
Boc: what if i don't wanna.
Shakira: there are 53 steps. women don't cry anymore, they cash in. there is gold bars in them thar hills under these Aztec stone stairs. always pour your revenge into an anthem rather than into attributable antagonistic action. why are you here?
Boc: my favorite hot sauce is Ortega, in that glass hot-water-bottle-shaped bottle with the Joy Division triangle-row markings at the lip, that's why i'm wearing this Charlie Brown shirt as you can see here. i heard they make Ortega in Mexico inside this triangle cube.
Shakira: this pyramid has great acoustics.
Boc: oh i also like Twix.
Shakira: that's Twingo.
Takahashi: Twingos are good cars. they break down a lot so Vivica A. Fox can help you change your oil.
Optimus Prime: i wish to CyberGod they would FINALLY make a Twingo Transformer!!!

Michaela From Safeway: let's all go to Lucio's. Lucio will save us, he always has in the past.
me: this is a true statement.
Avo: yes. that's why i wear my hair like Lucio's.
Michaela From Safeway: let's take my bicycle, we can all get on and ride my bike.
Dirg: language.
Trix Rabbit: i've hopped on Michaela's bike. in the cereal aisle.
Michaela From Safeway: my bike runs on puddle water. the tires soak up the rain.
they ride up the steep incline winding road driveway and reach the damp mansion in the hills.
Ronald McDonald wearing a George Harrison ALL THINGS MUST PASS T-shirt: sensational spelling.
Michaela From Safeway: i'll make us guys something to eat, what do you guys want? only i can work Lucio's complicated iron-griddle egg machine. do you know the trick to making the best most perfect omelette? use ONE EGG.

there, lying in the lilting bed nestled softly on the puffy white grand blanket of Lucio's master bed, is the king-size completed Egg Drop Challenge project, it's a VERY LARGE ORB made of 357 plastic straws strewn together in a continuous round lattice of hexagons with the egg in the very center of the power circle held tightly in a cage of straw with a tiny locked door looking like a spheroid globe sphere made of glass except made of straws shooting strings of purple electricity.
me: i can't tell how this marvelous monstrosity is being held together as if it's floating in the air. glue? paste? static electricity? baling wire? once again Lucio comes through for us in the clutch without a word, with a thing none of us were conceiving. 
Michaela From Safeway: what a swell guy.
Avo: this is what machismo really is, science machismo.
Mr. Diamond: i had Lucio. both meanings.
me: i was gonna embarrass myself greatly tomorrow. i was about to make an ass of myself. i was gonna go in there in the morning and submit an egg-drop experiment where i tie the egg to a Target white plastic bag and let it rip, let it fly down to the bottom. if it flew it flew, if it cracked my back would crack and it would suck in front of everyone in the whole entire class.
Michaela: tenure your trauma. a collapsed back from sex is the good pain. think of a woman's back as an eggshell, treat it as such...

me: burst bitumen. Humpty Dumpty did crack in a Burger King bathroom. you see instead of regarding this challenge as a cold logical experiment in hard science, i took it as a philosophic exercise in the vagaries of life, like an American Beauty plastic bag fluttering in the sky, flopping in the air, an egg floating in the wind. thank you Lucio Rossi.






 

 
 

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