me: the Chromebook gave me a new lease on life. i was ready to give up writing. altogether. i was sick of the frayed ethernet wires and the dead hot spots and the cracked computer cover which had lost three of its four screws. carrying around two whole snakey swinging wires to a far-off room to work. in a cold den which should be sacred at midnight. and then i entered a new city. the city of glows which would become my new home. and its Apple Store by the side of the corner in the light puddles next to the 7-Eleven.
the Apple Genius on a Monday is always Daniel Day-Lewis in a grey office cotton workshirt.
Daniel: please. don't mention the company's name.
DDL: Apple. get a Chromebook. that's it, that's the pitch. trust me, i have a cool handlebar mustache and a blue Cat In The Hat hat. my mustache could box Adonis Creed in my sleep. did i ever host Saturday Night Live?...
me: you know i have a vague recollection of the Chromebook, that's the computer the Comcast cable guys always carry around with them in their pants pockets. when they cut wires with a wrench in the back of their van. the thought never crossed my mind till now.
Daniel: they are FUCKING FANTASTIC. Chromebooks i mean. think about it, they're the size of an ipad mini but they're fully-functional desktops!!! they're a laptop AND a desktop!!! perfect wi-fi every time, this thing gets wi-fi from London to New York, never a glitch. the only problem is the keyboard is so small in order to type your fingers have to be the fingers of a mouse who likes cheese. are you an author or something? do you eat cheese?
i smile for the first time in six months.
me: yeah. yes i am an author. and i'm gonna need a mouse. oh a WIRELESS MOUSE!!! how fancy!!!
Daniel: i'm glad i'm able to put a smile on your mouth after so long. look at me, i'm menacing but i dress ridiculous. from henceforth you will refer to your miracle machine not as a Chromebook but as your Power Pocket.
me: this makes me sad. i wish i would have gotten my sister those Polly Pockets that one Christmas she wanted. she really asked for them. i was a terrible brother to her, i ignored her, i was selfish, i was distracted, i was only thinking about myself and my legacy all the time.
Daniel: short-term goals. don't worry your pretty little head, kid, don't be so hard on yourself, everyone's a bad brother, including me believe it or not. see the Chromebook is a wonder machine, a Deity device, you have the world and its intuitive-navigation internet black hole of good at your fingertips, at your divine disposal. and it looks like a butcher's block. i can see myself cutting meat on my black tech square like that Yan kid. i cut meat not people, okay?
i drink a milkshake and smile at Daniel with my mustacheless bald lips covered with frothy milk.
Mardith: i'm going back to school. i'm attending Chromebook Community College classes. at night of course to experience the V A P O R W A V E glow of bridges, towers, and Chinese restaurants in Japan.
Mark Borchardt at the library covered with neon-green ivy: remember, you only get THAT ONE SHOT.
Eminem covered in Superman goo: don't waste it. make the most of it. cash it in. recognize it. recognize the moment.
Capp: how do you make a movie with no training? by living in the past.
Ingmar Bergman at a lit IKEA: i invented the Scandinavian Design kitchen.
Melissa Maker: peninsula...
me: i invented Dutch Modern.
Gladyce at the neon Treehouse: Jumping Jacks Diary, Day 30: i had to do my jacks.........without socks this morning, barefoot, it was too rainy.
Doryce: SAY IT AIN'T SO, DEAR!!!
Gladyce: i am NEVER joining the army...
Doryce: shame, you're missing out on choice meat.
Gladyce: it's alright, dear, i didn't break a hip going sockless. or bust an ankle.
Doryce: but did you bust a move?
Gladyce: my beautiful lotus-flower socks. my ankle bone held fairly well, pretty well like my face, no pops, no snaps, plenty of crackle.
Doryce: you go on and cackle, dear, let it all out, that's how we witches do therapy. you have a variegated visage.
Gladyce: it didn't hurt. at first. then the soles of my feet start collecting the cobblestone crud and crust. although it was such a euphoric feeling when i put my damp toes into dry socks. but i forgot where i put my socks after i had removed them from my feet. i misplaced my socks...
Doryce: your socks are in my mouth for safekeeping, dear.
Three's A Crowd on the radiant bar TV at a futuristic Jack's Bistro lit up with luminosity: i've always wanted one of those bathrooms with two front doors...
Jack Tripper in cyberpunk black: works so well at home when there's a misunderstanding, when you have to move people around quickly. at a bar, not so much.........our Regal Beagle schemes never worked out.
Larry taking the bus: i made the city bus a party bus. this show was plum in the middle of 1985 when LIVING TOGETHER UNMARRIED was still a sin.
The Pope: ...
Teresa Ganzel: they're just my tits. what's so greedy about big tits?
crones: Gretchen is such a delicious witch name, will you join us, love?
Mary Cadorette: BIG SIGH, after the radio-debate show, i was forced to leave Hollywood to care for my poor ailing demented mother in Connecticut, home of ESPN. i surfed my last wave in Oceanside and was never heard from again...
Mary Cadorette: my thighs tho.........do my thighs make you want to be living in sin? do my thighs make you think you can live with certain taboos?
Freddie Prinze Jr. crushing it at the lobby lounge on a crushed-red-velvet long couch-chair: how does The Sixth Sense end?
Sarah Michelle Gellar in Cecily Strong's last SNL dress, a flowing see-through lace silk-nightie number: um...
Freddie: i love your evening-gown pajamas. don't tell me don't tell me, i just want to focus on life and the living.
cruising around the bookstore in a purple Ferrari with Nada Tawfik.
new adult fiction: so our characters can fuck and talk about depression openly.
Ariel at the docks:
Ariel: i do NOT do mermaid kisses!!! that'll cost you extra.
Kurt Cobain: i am loving the neon ice-blue color of the water at the docks. and the bricks of the stove-oven at the motel i've been staying at for three years are CHERRY RED!!!
Kurt Cobain: lovelayers, not a shacket, me.
me: you know what i really need? one of those BIG RED BUTTONS that stops spam calls from ringing on the spot at the source of the electric charge. so the spam call never makes the connection, the spam call never reaches my eardrums, those vibrations are BAD VIBES.
Beach Boys: we were surfers at birth...
Daniel Day-Lewis: brother you need to relax. things are gonna be okay. eventually. everybody retires eventually. that Chromebook you palm in your hand will change your life, because by working on it by typing your thoughts on it, by imbuing this magic machine with your hard-earned soaking self, your special tears, you are keeping the dream alive. you are keeping alive the memory of a VERY HOLY MAN.