Friday, January 27, 2023




* prosopography: it's not what you think.

* Gladyce: when i do my jumping jacks in the morning i start to sweat and i want to take off my sweater.
Doryce: and your overcoat.
Kurt Cobain: sweatshirt? shacket?
Gladyce: and only wear a T-shirt. but i don't want to expose my big bouncing breasts going up and down as i jumping-jack.
Doryce: oh honey they aren't THAT big.

* AMC: you know, the movie place. that lobby with the 1970s shag carpet that's orange and also rainbow-colored. with sticky popcorn stuck on the rug. who thought it was a good idea to pour hot caramel over the popcorn? and Jujubes which have hardened into hummingbird pellets.

* Steven Spielberg: the Gremlin, the car i used in ALL of my films. the stationwagon for one person. brings back memories of family time, you know?

* Panera: no teacup pepperoni. but the bread is good. all pizza must be on baguettes.

* Skyrizi: you must be THIS tall to ride the roller coaster.
man: but i have Crohn's disease.
Skyrizi: Crohn's disease adds one foot of height to your body.
crones: yes.

* Peacock Poker Face.
Jason: do you ever use your powers to make a killing gambling?
Natasha Lyonne: nahhhhhhhhh, i like working too much. i like doing episodes of SNL. honest episodes of Saturday Night Live.........i want my Freddy back.
Freddy Krueger: sure, toots, you're my type.
Natasha Lyonne: Fred Armisen, yous numbnuts goomba.

* Disney Cruise Line
dad: i don't want to work anymore. i need to get out of this library from the Toto "Africa" music video. i need to go back to working in my college band.
kids: we're bored with holograms. the only reason to go on a cruise is to ride the boat's roller coaster.

* Apple TV
me: if i had stayed at UCLA Drama Camp i'd be Timothee Chalamet now.
Timothee Chalamet: i could do a prison show.........actually no nevermind forget i mentioned that.

* Chase Sapphire
Michael B. Jordan: Apollo Creed savored soup. Lori Harvey, you can't be in this commercial anymore. and can you tell your dad to get off my back? he's still giving me annoying life advice after the breakup.

* TurboTax: you don't need a carbineer or an ice pick to be a climber, all you need is a toothpick and a dream.

* The Farmer's Dog: remember all that leftover stuffing from Thanksgiving? feed it to your dog!!!

* He Gets Us
me: imagine if Jesus's family never had to flee Bethlehem for Egypt because of that pesky Herod. imagine a Jesus growing up a streetwise kid on the streets of Bethlehem the way Pete Davidson is the King of Staten Island. write THAT alternate-history book!!!

* Paul Rudd: i always thought Ant meant ant, not Anton. yeah i'm drinking on the job but that's nothing compared to what Evangeline Lilly went through on the Lost set.

* Debbie Harry: that's not me in the new Ant-Man trailer.

* Dak Prescott: my Sleep Number didn't help me at all in my game vs. the 49ers. i guess i had to sleep longer. i'm not doing any more commercials, okay? i need a career change. i need to go to Peru and rethink my life.

* Michaela From Safeway: you know some worship the Safeway Deli as their Safeway Dei.
Pummy: yeah but not me.
Michaela From Safeway: no gods but groceries?
Pummy: no gods but gardens.

* Madame Pons perusing all the letters that get delivered to her: SAVE THE BUTTERFLIES!!! SAVE THE BEES!!! SAVE SEX!!!

* Papa Smurf: fairy chimney? do you do the hoodoo that i do?

* Serano: there are no more yellow tennis balls. there are no more tennis balls with the F1 Formula 1 label on them. there are however still glow-in-the-dark green tennis balls used on rave courts.

* Robert Redford: i'm wearing THREE pairs of underwear actually. the third one because raindrops keep fallin' below my belt.
Barbra Streisand: ...
Barbra Streisand: come on, Bob, you can wear Depends and still be handsome.
Robert Redford: i'm trying for a new look, i want to be ruggedly handsome not classically handsome.

* Rick James: are those the two giant brontosaurus tusks from The Flintstones as my front door? how long was i out for?...

* Alita: my eyes were an aesthetic choice...

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: i'm trying GrubHub for the first time. wish me luck. i'm scared...

No comments: