HALFMONK: MY DEEP DEEP DESIRE TO QUIT AND RUN AWAY (SCIENCE IN A MONASTERY)

 

midpaint and i start to itch. something's crawling up the side of my throat but nothing's there. have i gone monk-crazy?

me: it only took one day!

i see the most beautiful sight in the universe below. and it's not the subject of my painting, cos this one unlike Jen Pizarro is an unknown quantity. he is walking away from my path up. 

he is a funny little man that at first i take for a potato bug. he's a mysterious manlet, a short person, a tiny like Tom Cruise. but he is so not famous. the first thing i notice about him is his kindness. he does not smile because he bears the whole WEIGHT of the world in his mouth. he is a ginger bless him, he has tarnished orange hair on top that has atrophied to blood red. his red beard is scratchy and thin, his mustache like his lip never moves. i wave.

me: ho stranger! howdy. not a monky greeting i know, not very serious. and dour. and spirit-filled. i see you wear the same robe as me. novitiate?

Kristof: *VERY quietly* hello. Kristof.

me: yeah. light blue. we look like holograms, the REAL monks get the grey ones later. wanna borrow some of my toothpaste for masturbation alone in your cell later?

Kristof, blushing, signals by pointing to his closed mouth then points to his watchless wrist to indicate this is the 4 o'clock hour of prayer.

me: *zipping my own mouth shut metaphorically* oh SORRY, didn't know, still new to the rules here. just indicate using hand signals when the hash browns are ready and served. and if the green trays are washed or should be thrown in the trash. for the fruitcake-making.

me: well i'll talk to you later. i gotta take a dive in the fruitcake batter, get my hands dirty. get my trunkless crotch and legs dirty in the mix. that sticky paste of fruit nuts and gluten. 

i am SO struck with Kristof. he is SO quiet. he is built like a frat boy who was too short for football so he built up muscle lifting ankle-weights and became one of those tiny Greco-Roman wrestlers. and yet there is nothing frat about him, he is so calm, so gentle, so serene. his eyes reveal the pain of a thousand past unresolved traumas. he never looks up to speak, i have no idea what color his eyes are. it's as if he's in a constant state of prayer, a constant state of meditation. he never wants to be interrupted from his trance but is too polite to tell you so.

me: huh. this man's an actual monk. unlike me. like, Kristof was actually BORN to be a monk. it's good to know that's a thing, that that exists, that that's a real concept in this world.

Chet Hanks: look at me. as you ponder the mysteries of the universe, realize that the son of Tom Hanks himself is actually ME. ME! how did this happen? how could this possibly happen? it's a quadrillion-to-one shot that Tom Hanks's son would turn out like this. what were you thinking? i know i know. Tom Hanks's son should be, like, oh i don't know, John Mulaney or something.

Colin Hanks: or Tom Hanks's son should be, like, someone like.........Colin Hanks.

William S Burroughs: what happened? i used to write the blurbs, the flowery descriptions of all the new menu items, the food choices. i always told the story about when i was on Route 66 and a Taco Bell chile relleno flew into my nose.

Taco Bell: we would call them more rambling stories...

Olympic Channel: we're the only place to get interviews FROM ALL THREE medalists one after the other after the other, regardless of their language.

Janene Meyer: it was spooky, right? that stark noiseless proof of life. i just show up on your DMs like that after 5 years of radio silence from having been presumed dead.

Andy Murray: sorry, man, see you at the airport. honestly i don't know why ANY tennis player wears a hat, there's no point. 

The Cheese Board Collective: this, not the anime, will bring you back to Berkeley. you can get anime at kisscartoon. we only have one flavor. and one topping. we're open one hour a day. and you can't get a cheese pizza here. Tom is our mascot but not Jerry.

Dirg: i will never eat there, communist place.

Rick Astley: i like to drive. Deen is my son. 

Mlem and Blep: Rick Astley, good people. cat person.

Dirg: Van Jones my man, you will NEVER find a woman like Jimmy Carter's niece ever again.

Van Jones: i consciously conjured up Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina. my hair can't uncouple from it.

Dirg: you were going out with privilege AND power.

Jillian Clare: i booked a gig. and i love books. 

Dirg: it's just weird that you can't show the Attack on Titan Titans' cocks in the anime. the cocks are drawn in the manga, right, Takahashi? the Titan penises?

Takahashi: ...

Erin Jackson: huh. turns out it WAS the right decision to let me in. let me play and i'll win. nobody has paid any attention to my historic win. remember Bonnie Blair? the country went CRAZY for Bonnie Blair. the country STOOD STILL for Bonnie Blair in 1988. interesting interesting.

Erin Jackson: i've proven all Olympic Trials are meaningless.

Novak Djokovic: i'm only gonna play the minor tournaments. that's how much i love the sport of tennis.

1-800-GOT-JUNK: i coulda sworn that woman dancing on her bare uncarpeted floor was barefoot...

Dirg: i'm watching the Olympics. Japan grab? come on that's racist over there.

Mother Goose: know where i got my ideas from? i was drunk on cans of Lyre's Spirits...

Codrus: WE baptize you? come on.

Cotard: let it go, brother. the priest followed the spirit of the law, ain't that what we monks are all about? spirit?

me: yeah i mean we are all one community of 8 billion souls of human sentience, am i right?

Codrus and Cotard: ...

Alec Baldwin: i am proof that you need to get married in life. get a wife, kids. 

Alec Baldwin: don't exclude sex from your lives, sex is a good thing. i am proof.

Qandeel Baloch: i was simply doing what any young woman aspires to do to be: becoming self-actualized in her sexuality and fighting for women's rights until all humans are seen as truly equal. to be human is to be sexual, to be human is NOT to be religious.

Sean McVay: it's weird i was on Saturday Morning All Star Hits in cartoon form BEFORE i won the Super Bowl...

Sean McVay: i plan to retire from the NFL at 36 years old. there's nothing else i can do.

Larry Sanders: the Janet Jackson episode. yeah we knew Janet Jackson wouldn't actually APPEAR in the episode when we used allowed in that joke about her beatings at the hand of her father.

Mad Dog Russo: i'm here on First Take now because.........i look like Skip Bayless.

Mad Dog Russo: how did i not die of a heart attack?

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

John Candy: is it just me or does John Hughes use the same house for all his families in all his movies?

Eye: Weird Science and go.

John Hughes: we had an alternate title, Sing The Body Electric. And What a Body It Is!

John Hughes: based on a comic book of the same name. my movie has NOTHING to do with this comic book, we paid up the YINYANG for the rights and copyright clearances. not worth it. hopefully the MAD Magazine project goes more smoothly...

Mad Dog Russo: ...

Laertus: okay i'm just gonna cut in line jump in front and come right out and say it, this movie is WEIRD.

John Hughes: touché.

Anthony Michael Hall: which is it? am i the cool guy or the nerd?

Ilan Mitchell-Smith: i left acting after this ROLE OF A LIFETIME to pursue studies of a Medieval nature at a community college called Harvard. needless to say my big brain is what built this place. yes THIS place. THIS monastery.

Kelly LeBrock: don't hate me cos i'm beautiful. hey if you thought that was bad at least i'm not one of those Herbal Essences cunts now. 

Vivian Vance: please don't use the word cunt, that's very hurtful. i'm okay with being called a bitch that's full of power but not cunt.

William Frawley: sorry, honeybunch. why were we so angry at the time all the time? you know looking back, we were just lucky to have jobs at all during the Depression.

Bill Paxton: do NOT call me Bill Pullman. i'm still claustrophobic even in the grave.

Robert Downey Jr: i mean looking at my bit part in this movie i'm some wannabe The Cure goth punk bully with JoJo hair and a frill in my curl. did anyone ever think in a quadrillion years looking at me here i'd go on to be one of the finest most respected actors of my generation? the one Charlie Chaplin handed the baton over to?

Wallace Langham: i'm that actor on the tip of your tongue. you know, Larry Sanders? Kids In The Hall?

Kelly LeBrock: okay okay fine. you got me, i married the man who married Lori Loughlin.

Dirg: greasy Greek ethnics. but they had all the money back then so i respec. all the KGB rubles. that's why Steven Seagal had to save the day and kick some ass on a motorcycle for this country.

Steven Seagal: it's pronounced Seagull.

Wyatt: oh my god i am SO glad i wore underpants this time when we got pantsed. why didn't we go to an all-boys school, Gary? then we wouldn't have to suffer this humiliation. 

Gary: i don't know what would be worse, being a social outcast dweeb in a co-ed school or a social outcast dweeb in an all-boys school.

Robert Downey Jr: just be glad there was no rope, kid. for gym class i mean.

Anthony: why is your brother such a cunt?

Ilan: he goes to military school. you know, MAD? he's a blockhead, but he's serving his country and protecting us from Commies in the '80s. those damn Reds.

Anthony: bro, focus on the Hot Tamales. armies are stupid. all wars are counterproductive. that doesn't give him the right to harass you like this. just cos he's bigger older and stronger and can kill you doesn't mean he has the duty to. with a gun i might add.

Ilan, smiling: hey. AMH.

Anthony, smiling: IMS.

Ilan: so, what are we doing tonight just the two of us lonely incels on a Friday night?

Anthony: watching Frankenstein, it's educational.

John Hughes: plus we cleared the rights.

Ilan: bro you have a sick mind, a dead girl?

Rob Zombie: so?

Anthony: we're making a girl, our own girl. this will lead to innovations in science, first there will be computer-only girls. then anime girls. then blowup dolls. then RealSex dolls...

USA government computers: we're too big to fail! we've depleted all our resources on Russia! i mean the Soviet Union. it was simpler back then: missiles not misinformation.

Ilan: good news bad news, bro. we got our girl. but we no longer have a house to house her in.

Kelly LeBrock: think of me as the female version of Brock from Venture Bros. 

bros: bros.

Kelly: i'm named after the real Steve Jobs computer Lisa. Mary Shelley was a babe for her time.

Kelly: why are you wearing underpants on your heads?

Anthony: um, um, this is my reenactment of A Handmaid's Tale. yeah. yeah see we're cultured. and into women's lib.

Ilan: why do you have an accent? i thought you were from New York.

Kelly: ah the shower, right, i can finally dab on some Pantene. wait why are the three of us naked in the shower together?

Anthony: we're not naked we're wearing jeans. 

Ilan: cos we're afraid of cumming.

Anthony: no cos, cos, we want to get our hair wet with that one Ed Grimley protruding cowlick spike on top. Matthew Broderick is Tom Hanks's son.

Kelly LeBrock: IF YOU SHOVE YOUR TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AGAIN I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!!! TRY IT ONE MORE TIME, KID, TRY ME, I DARE YA, YOU'RE DEAD MEAT!!!

Ilan: sorry. i'm nervous, this is my first time. i've also cummed.

Kelly: but there's no cum here! all of your cum is just pre-cum! the '80s were quite the squicky time.

John Hughes: yeah everything was just waved off back then, ya know?

Kelly: is the implication here that we slept together?

Ilan: would have, but i fell asleep. for real, real SLEEP.

Rubikon: um so yeah, MASSIVELY problematic here. you got a white boy imitating black speech patterns, jazz lingo.

Dirg: jingo.

Rubikon: and it all slides off like a wet trombone.

Anthony: uhp, i say the words bitch and tits, this is definitely one of the first PG-13 movies.

Kelly LeBrock: bottoms up everyone! i want to see empty shot glasses.

jazz guy: this isn't a pina colada! it's Pantene!

Ilan: is it okay for kids to drive?

Deen: ...

Laertus's dad: I OBJECT!!! THIS IS A COMPLETE WASTE OF AN ICEE!!!

Eye: i do NOT like how the goths are portrayed here. if you're wearing a soft velvet fur purple Victorian coat and fuzzy wainscot underneath with lace underpants eating a spyglass, you are not allowed to be a bully. you're supposed to be cool. as in a cool outcast, not a jock!

Mardith: or those skateboard buttons. too indie to be a bully. those two look like members of The Smiths.

Laertus: okay this is a funny scene. the parents scene. 

Kelly: *making the masturbation jerk with her fingers* isn't it classier to call it tossing off?

mother: it's like that Skins scene.

father: now you listen here, hussy! how'd you get your hair like that?

Kelly: Pantene.

father: that curly fro of yours is LUXURIOUS!

Kelly LeBrock: calm down, love, tis a watergun. see? i shove it in your face pull the trigger and.........just water.

Alec Baldwin: these scenes aren't funny anymore. the water pistol that looks like a real gun, pointed at a boy's head.

Laertus: needing a gun in any situation is weak and lame.

Anthony: my father forgets i am his son, that never gets explained in the movie. it just is.

Madame Pons: now see this is just gratuitous. you have a beautiful young woman who's talented, an ace in her sport of piano-playing. she won the National Award for piano at the talent show, but they have her "lose" all her clothes in the windstorm like some drunk floozy of a Miss America pageant-queen. 

champion piano player wearing her sash: why did i have to be ALL NUDE!!!

Hugh Hefner: when the piano stuff fizzles she can join me and do it the classy way. we have a jazz lounge at my Club.

John Hughes: see? a missile through the roof. that's funny. back when wars were wars! wars were landmass grabs not cyber concepts! a voyage not a video game. Good vs. Evil, RED WHITE BLUE vs. Red, a weatherman and a sports guy on NBC in Los Angeles in the '80s on Channel 5!

Brad Pitt: ...

Putin: from Prussia. no pickles allowed.

Kelly: don't worry, i froze your grandparents like Indians in the cupboard, very americana. these mutant bikers have weird accents.

Tyzik: look alive folks, this protracted mutant-biker scene is the closest we're ever gonna get to a Biker Mice From Mars live-action.

John Hughes: Mad Max. yes, this movie is a tribute to '80s movies, weirdly done IN the '80s rather than now. some would say a ripoff of the '80s. but i can get away with it cos i'm John Hughes.

Anthony: leave the girls alone! i know Arnold Schwarzenegger and Arnold's gonna be President someday! well i've worked with Arnold...

Ilan: you think we can live out our lives with real girls instead of fantasies?

Anthony: only if we get KITT limos for our proms and never meet a boy named Lucas or Luka in New York.

Bill Paxton: what exactly the FUCK kinda creature monster mutant blob am i supposed to be here?

John Hughes: Jabba the Hutt with no budget.

Laertus: *crying* this is touching here when the boys say goodbye to Lisa. their girl-robot. well girl-android. she taught them to have confidence in themselves, to believe in themselves through life. they don't teach confidence in school, especially public school. i'm crying right alongside with the boys and Kelly. why does she have to LEAVE?!!!

Eye Luggage: ...

piano player: oh sure, the grand piano gets replaced through the window as the house resets but not my bra and panties!!!

Roto Rooter: like it never even happened.

1-800-GOT-JUNK: ...

Oingo Boingo: yeah it's us. we did the soundtrack. you know us, we did all those Batman songs. g'night folks. 

Kelly LeBrock: i didn't want to be another hot girl whose life is in ruins in her 40s. i didn't want to have to rely on an NBA basketball player. the most important thing to me was not fame money or sex but FAMILY. i got my family and i'm happy now as an old hag whose plastic surgery shows on her puffy lips. i'm happy as a clam! THAT is the most profound thing you'll ever hear a woman say in your lifetimes, bubs. 

the crones are in my cell.

Gladyce: i have a tale. it fits in with all those walks you monks take around here. around all the hills. i started walking, too. to get the ol heartrate up. to get in my steps in craggy. i'd walk to The Store for groceries instead of broom-fly. to get those microscopic artichoke-bites in heavy syrup in a jar. i'd wear my ankle-high socks to The Store. those socks are TERRIBLE. as i walk they COME RIGHT OFF INTO THE SIDEWALK!!!

me: hi, Maiara.

Maiara Walsh is sleeping in the jungle with her man.

Mesay: your birthday's coming up in a couple. it's no wonder you were born near Valentine's Day, you radiate pure Love Energy. 

Maiara: as long as it's not Pure Love energy. purity leads to problems in society. what is your deepest wish?

Mesay: you know the Super Bowl commercial with Jost and Scarlett Johansson? that could be us. picture it, i wake up in bed and the first thing i see is your face staring back at me. what a beautiful sight!

Maiara: my eyes or my face?

Mesay: and then we have our own private screening-room to watch movies. in a room that's dark. so we both get up at noon and spend the rest of the day in there, nobody else just we two. in the dark. my arm around your shoulders in the theater seat, watching every episode of The Larry Sanders Show from Show 1 to Show 90. 

Larry Sanders: my show was quintessentially '90s, i was completely contained within the '90s, back when Janeane Garofalo was the Winona Ryder of Itness.

Butt: whatcha got in here in your room?

me: oh that's just my lab.

the roofers start on in again and the banging continues day and night.

me: yeah you know i don't get this whole roof thing. how does a roof work? is it replaced or roofed over? like do they remove the old roof? does it come off like a burnt rollup of grilled cheese? 

the cat familiars jump on my bed and lick my face in the morning to wake me up. 

me: so much better than an alarm clock. what's on the agenda today?

Mlem: you mean itinerary. nothing, you're a monk.

Blep: did you see that cat this morning? that OTHER cat that's not us. that brown cat in our space, in our lawn space over there, i scared him off cos we're tough cats! rough riders! 

Mlem: yeah that's it, we don't see that stray cat no more.

me: poor thing, he has no one to call a friend. he just wants to make friends with you, he wants a place to stay. a place to call home. i never take this cell for granted.

Kristof pays me a surprise visit. a no-knock visit. he stares at my painting for an hour. 

me: come in.

Kristof: *after a long pause* beard lady.

me: *pointing with my thumb down below* circus lady? you mean Maiara?

Kristof: beard lady.

me: oh you think i was just a beard to Jen Pizarro...

Kristof: bye for at least a week.

me: first sentence. 

me: come on, cats, help me move this HUGE wafer-thin big-screen tv-screen into my room.