Monday, April 26, 2021


Matchmaker Matchmaker, make me a match!

and they did, too, on that '70s shag orange-and-brown carpet, i mean EVERYONE hooked up with EVERYONE on that show! the keys were so worn out at parties everyone had bikes. that microphone was NOT skinny long enough to keep the stars away form the contestants, they needed to be pried by Gene Rayburn.

and then came that fateful show the afternoon following Easter Mass 1974:

when Brett Somers, Charles Nelson Reilly, and Richard Dawson formed the messiest threesome orgy in recorded human history, topping even the one done by Nero using his skinny long violin bow.

1. are you ready to go? where are you going?

no, i'm never ready to go, i'm scared. my first live non-Zoom date in over a quarter of a century. i'm going to Match Game 70, filling in for that dude with glasses from MASH who's about to have a baby on an army base.

2. there is something wrong with dating, what is it?

it's just about fucking now, there's no courtship anymore. no more taking her to the arcade for mini-golf and a pretzel that's all mustard and no bread. i fancy myself a raconteur on tour, i need to tell her about all my conquests:

Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, Galaga, Centipede

not THAT Centipede...

3. born to be wild, what's your wild?

cat scratch fever.........until you get covid.

i like the wild of flowers. i like to run naked in bunches and bunches of flowers. the only wild flowers in my area are on mini-golf courses which means i have to be a good swimmer.

4. pick your best feature and sell it to us.

my ears. no seriously. i have the biggest fucking ears since forever. i don't know why they haven't made the live-action version of MAD MAGAZINE yet but i was born to play Alfred E. Neuman! except i worry about EVERYTHING. Alfred E. Neuman looks like my dad. screw it i'll WRITE the damn MAD script myself!

5. fill in the blank: this may sound a little weird but:

i don't know how to stop writing...

BONUS: if you were trapped in a store all night, in which store would you like to be trapped?

the TARGET in Career Opportunities with Jennifer Connelly



Smu Doodle said...

From goin' courtin' to MADD magazine I am getting an Einsteinian spooky actions at a distance vibe here.

Thank goodness not Brett Somers, Charles Nelson Reilly, and Richard Dawson threesome orgy spooky though.


the late phoenix said...

Albert Einstein would have been the greatest film auteur, he would have made the raddest space movies.

those three taught me what love is. and what love could be.