Pat: i am innocent. nobody is evil they're just misunderstood. i am a wanderer just like you...
Bryson DeChambeau: cork the bubbly, i'm here. call me the inch man. how can i be a carnivorous caveman when i have an MIT cyberbrain? The Masters will be hard this year? playing high dry and fast? no no no, it won't be hard for me...
Paul Pierce interviewing Brooke Baldwin: we both left our cushy jobs for no reason...
Drew Barrymore: i call it the NINJA GERTIE!!!...
E.T.: too many air fryers flooding the market! all have oven like my belly...
Brooke Baldwin interviewing Allison Janney: girl you don't have to front with me. happily single only gets you so far. soon you will break, the best do.
Allison Janney: if i meet that someone special i meet them, if i don't i don't. i'm fine.........i'm fine. i'm just starting on my journey of self-discovery.
Brooke: AT 60???!!! girl you don't got much time left!!!
Allison Janney: do you know if your brother Billy is single?...
Dirg: when i get married...
Laertus: *ahem* *cough*
Dirg: ...i ain't doing couples therapy. my wife and i will simply play the video game It Takes Two together...
Popeye: IT'S NOT FAIR!!! the market is so flooded with chicken sandwiches now everyone forgot about the OG!
Wilma Flintstone: um, i like the indie girl-band commercial as much as the next bone babe, but it will never be booted out of rotation with a swift Fred kick, it will never retire to avoid Mar-a-Lago, it's been going uninterrupted for 12 years, can we PLEASE get a new Fruity Pebbles commercial going!...
Laertus: come on, SKYRIZI, that's blatant pandering. change the song to a country twang and add cornhole???!!!
Eye Luggage: pandering to a unified country maybe?
Rubikon: wait, do you folks have a full Easter Dinner with ham and all the trimmings and sides, too? over at our crib it's our Second Thanksgiving...
Bob Odenkirk: it could have been worse, Jeremy Irons, we could have done a Lolita monologue. you can't push me around anymore, i'm an action star...
Jeremy Irons: next time I'LL write the damn thing! how hard can it be to write an SNL monologue! get me a pen and Cecily Strong...
Stabler: Liv, why didn't you introduce me to Noah? that was heartbreaking. that boy was supposed to be MY son!
Benson: it was snowing...
Kathie Lee Gifford: oh Craig T Nelson! look over here, cunt i mean CTN...look up like Brando...up there is the Coach reboot script...
Jeffrey Dean Morgan: i hated it so much i almost quit acting!
Shatner: but my man, you could have saved the Star Trek: Enterprise show! you had clout! nobody on that ship had clout...
Dirg at LUSH:
Madame Pons: here Dirg, take these crystals. now throw away your Redo of Healer...
Michael Weiss wearing a UCLA jersey: like a teacher on Instagram i have to essentially give my followers "assignments" telling them to give me a Shel Silverstein quote or something, actual homework...
Nikesh wears the nikes across the street around the corner...
Madame Pons: project partner, it's like twinflame but more practical...
Doryce to Gladyce: dear you only want me to finish that soup cos it's Costco Chicken Soup in that big-ass plastic canteen and you want me to clear it from the fridge...
Doryce: he called me hoary!
Gladyce: i like my grey hair...
Jill Biden: it's a whole new world...literally...
Putin: unlike Mickey Bump i don't have a problem with maids...
Julia Ioffe: I'M NOT THE LOVECHILD!!!
St. Jude: having trouble growing your garden? here, try my tomato seeds...
Takahashi sleeps over at LUSH for the first time, he and Madame Pons are rolled up like a human burrito in one weighted blanket on the roof of LUSH on top of a waterfall:
Takahashi: rest easy, puppy. we're gonna travel the world like Galivant and Pat. we're gonna live forever...
Laura Donnelly: milk? i'll get it myself...
Dirg: straight from the tit?
Laura Donnelly: i shoulda been the lead in Clockwork Orange...
Johnny Juzang: my name is Juice...
Rubikon: i make my birthday cards homemade, but if i have to buy them, i make it Hallmark Mahogany...
Cotard: Christmas midnight mass is actually pretty fun...it's so dark out, the coffee tastes beanier, the donuts taste sweetier...
Dirg: those Instagram profiles where you don't know if they're real tho they look real, of swarthy Qatari women in heavy skirts and heavy beads, with blue and green eyes, getting married in a sterile room holding one bouquet of orange roses...
Nathalia Ramos: strangely blake holsey i'm known more for Arrested Development than House of Anubis...
Jessica Walter: i'm jealous of your accent, chickadee...
Francis Magee: tell me about it, i HATE video games! my pin is a pin from a grenade from the War of the Roses not woke twitter on their heart pockets...
Jim Gaffigan: ...
Jessica Walter: looking back, i shoulda married Francis Magee not Jeffrey Tambor...nothing to do with sex, pure personality match...
Borat: i was based off Isla Fisher's mom...
Biden: i want every city to be like San Francisco...
Dirg: KNEW IT!!!
Biden: no i mean every city has public transit consisting of one lifesize red Mister Rogers trolley...
Rodgers: i got trollied...
Kelly Sills: i want to speak with the manager...Walt Disney...yes Walt Disney the man himself!, only he would understand...
ex-President Bump: holy shit! pizza with olive oil. holy shit! my tweets now get 200 likes! 200 likes and 7 comments! what the hell happened! this is not good!...
Martha Stewart: i don't actually write thirst trap on that selfie, it really was a post about the history of my pool. The Stones i mean the stones. all that chlorine was in my hair as you can see. my lips were chapped from all that water...
Beyonce: you got my ass drinking milk...
LeBron: you got MY ass drinking milk...only Droogs will be allowed in the stands during the NBA Finals...
Akane from SSSS Gridman: it was all a dream...
Rebecca Sugar: that's what i've been trying to tell you! all cartoons are a dream...
Nadal: the official start to summer is the French Open...
Bethany Havey: yes, have some. i'm the Paradise, CA resident, not the porn star. TQM, te quiero mucho...
Madame Pons: i refuse to accept the Pacific Grove McDonald's is closed permanently! we're gonna open it again, Taka.
Takahashi: reopen after a coat of paint? save the farm? i'm in like original sin. it was so lush and beautiful hidden in the verdant woods...
Madame Pons: forest fries. that place was the citadel of cholesterol, we'll do a rebrand with just green options! this is the last one!, clear this candle off the shelf!
Taka: which one? which one do i throw?
Madame Pons: the candle that has the scent of Freshly-Signed Divorce Papers...
Matt Barrie: wait does Olbermann still work here?...
Keith Olbermann: is it a crime for a white man to love The Jeffersons?...
Rummikub: we thought this would work better than any peace deal...
Cecily Strong: everytime i say down my throat in one of my skits, i'm giving men, women, aliens, and everyone fluid in between something to strive for, something to live for...
Jason Sudeikis: if you're gonna make a shirt statement, at least make it global, don't just keep it in the family...
Jaden Smith: i'm not gray cos i'm a Lizard Person, i'm gray cos i eat like a lizard!
Michelle Williams: NOW do you see why i was so angsty on Dawson's Creek? i have to raise Heath Ledger's daughter alone!
Steve McQueen: gimme my barbells or i become the Joker...
Henry Rollins: they let us practice there. i was the first man to see 7-Eleven not as a store but as a world. now i feel bad, if only i had had a slurpee with Robin Williams there to show him my world...
Cecily Strong: showing the end of each skit, the stage and the climbing camera, is not a good idea...
Doryce: i love Bama's miracle meat, it's nice and juicy.
Gladyce: and smoky. wait his Hormel Spam?
Doryce: Bama's preparing for the Apocalypse with bunker canned goods...
Mardith: FLOW is my version of LATOM...
Dirg: why isn't Invincible on adult swim?!! this is precisely what adult swim is for!...
Gladyce: Doryce dear, i know the Metamucil powder in the water is a pain to drink with all the mush in your mouth so why not eat the cookies! eat the biscuits!
Steve Jobs: the wafers are my favorite!
John Belushi: as long as it's not a rubber biscuit...
Derrida: i want Larry David to play me in the movie...
Avi Arad: so who was The Creator on Mutant X? will we finally learn his identity in the fourth season? the creator is ME!
Victoria Pratt: fuck those lawsuits, they killed the show! for the record, I am the original Victoria Pratt, not the Victoria Pratt from Heroes...
Gwen Stefani: yeah i can't explain it either...
Jill Biden: Joe and i met on PlentyofFish. i could smell him through his profile, he smelled like a Fillet-o-Fish from McDonald's. we played Go Fish on our first date...
Joe Biden: that's when i knew she was the one, we didn't play Solitaire...
Michael Phelps: please Mr. President, please Mr. Biden, don't do this! i need this! i need the Olympics for my depression...
Melissa Maker has an audience with Tom Hanks...
Dirg:
wait for me and we'll walk through this world together
in a vaccum tho this line is beautiful...
Laertus: we all got comfortable challenging the President of the United States, do you know how scary that is?!...
Laertus: i can't throw away my used inkless pens! can't do it anymore, they're too precious to me, they wrote my masterpieces, cared for my wounded heart when it broke and shattered, drew circles for comfort zones and dried my tears with ink when i cried...
Ricardo Montalban: elly gontz?
Elly Gotz: i'm a Holocaust survivor. i'm a testament to the power of human love.
Ricardo Montalban: i am so sorry. i feel awful. and i'm just over here selling elegant cars...
Lindy Lee: anybody want some black-seaweed taffy?...
Alan Walker: look for me in the new Mortal Kombat movie...
Molly Goddard: i'm not saying i'm God, but i'm better than Godard...
Enas Mekky: i'm the Algerian Kathy Griffin...
Wu Zetian: i did it all for the nookie. i did it all myself, on my own instinct and will. self-reliance. there were no self-help books to guide me...
Hayden Christensen: whoa, i've been out of it for years......i thought i married Padme but turns out it was Rachel Bilson...
Kat Wilderness: we're not in the wilderness anymore...
Boc: love you, Kat.
Dave Grohl: before Nirvana i was that guy who dressed in tights and a tunic and Robin Hood hat and sang on a lute on PBS in the '80s...
Tyzik wearing a Green Bay Packers jersey: concentrate on making each time you go onto a soap celebrity babe's Instagram memorable, make it a quality visit: write a clever comment and recommend a chocolate milkshake in the DM box when she asks what's the perfect pre-workout drink.
Takahashi: um, if you gotta do milky, Yakult...
Tyzik: every week on Instagram feels like a year...
Doryce: i am, i am, i'm looking in the classifieds...
Gladyce: any openings for a between-maid, dear?...
Doryce: we all Chipped in and got Joanna a Going away present...
Takahashi: ...and i don't even work out...
Doryce: used Jack In The Box leftover food smells horrible when it wasn't your meal...
Tyzik: PLANTERS PEANUTS FIGURED OUT DEATH AND THE AFTERLIFE! it's terminal velocity...
Tre Cool: i stay mum, i don't say much, i know when to keep my mouth shut for the good of the band...i got most of my millions from Green Day shirt sales...specifically the one with the nearly-naked greenhaired punk girl with the skateboard kneepads...
Kahlil Gibran: my rap name is Lil KG. memory is a form of meeting. i started New Age. i'm not gay, i just was too busy to marry Mary...Haskell...shame, that's why i drank...cos time...
Mardith: *starry-eyed* OMFG! i just met Kahlil Gibran! i remember you...
Madame Pons: i forget...i'm free...
Kenyatta: it's an optical illusion, i thought that high extra apostrophe was a speck of dust...
Pat: Dirg, it's time for you to try Muslim Burger across the street, it will change your life, it's so juicy...
Sonia Delaunay: GET AWAY FROM ME, SARTRE! i'm not another lay!
Roger Federer: i'll stick the vaccine needle in your butt myself...
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Dirg: Backdraft was a serviceable movie.........see what i did there? as in fire service...
Jennifer Jason Leigh: i am NOT Elisabeth Shue!
Billy Baldwin: i remember when Backdraft first came out. it scared me, it intrigued me, it was mysterious and spooky, there was danger and naked butts and a ton of darkening smoke. much like Tim Burton's Batman...
Laertus: back when they used real fire not CGI flames...
Dirg: that poster caught my eye. but still, the '90s to me are just smelly granola chicks...
Eye Luggage: Last Tango in Paris and go...
Marlon Brando arrives in Paris:
Marlon: *hands up* i'm not here for Spring Break. not in the way you think, i got important business to attend to, renewal is always springing in Paris. i'm just here to see The Bitch (1979)...
Celine: SURE, THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY!!!...
Joan Collins: i don't do that stuff anymore, i'm a serious writer, GET THAT BUTTER AWAY FROM ME!!!
Ethan Hawke: without Brando here in this, there would be no Jesse...
Laertus: i mean.........okay i'll start...well this is a very controversial film. on the one hand it's high art and considered bravura Brando's best standalone performance, his best Stanislavski monologues...
Stanislavski: i never wanted my actors to never break character and carry it home with them, that's how divorces happen! well, everyone except Jim Carrey, i want him to be ON forever...
De Niro: I COULDA DONE THIS PART!!! I MEAN LOOK AT BRANDO'S HAIR!!! it's as silly as my hair in Backdraft!
Brando: i thought that was hep hair, mod look...with my hair i was going for the pre-Cobain Cobain...i lived longer than Cobain...
Laertus: is there any more special place than Paris in the '70s?...
Maria Schneider: just to be crystal clear: i was raped. i would be Bardot now were't not for butter.
Brando: hey that face you made, that's where buttaface comes from, right? i dunno, kids today and their fads. it wasn't butter tho, i can't believe it's not butter! i mean the anal sex wasn't real. it's just a movie.
Maria: it scarred me for life. i'm an actress not a prostitute!!!
Brando: buttering those buns i mean PARKAY!!!.........i mean i shoulda asked if you were OKAY...
Dirg: Brando, as bloated as this so-called film. where was this "film" shown when it came out? the arthouse or the porno theater?
Dirg: Maria Schneider? are you French or German?
Maria: Romanian, numbnuts. i ain't no nun but don't call me a gypsy...
Mardith: i do love your hat in this, miss, it's so iconic with the flower! and your poofy hair.
Maria: i look like Before Jennifer Grey. hair game? doesn't beat my costar...JPL...
Jean-Pierre Leaud: i was the lead. Maria went toe-to-toe with Brando and eclipsed him, she was a powerhouse here despite her accent which no one not even me could understand. to this day people think i'm the famous director who invented New Wave. yeah i had some pretty wild hair over the years, one to play Tim Burton and one to play Bach but it really was Phil Spector...
Dirg: all the other ones in this are parochial French actors: that one chick grew up big to make Fat Girl. and that other chick did that cock-sucking scene...
Jean-Luc Bideau: i bid you adieu.........i'm not the French boy from Kyle XY...
Rubikon: don't forget Darling Legitimus! she is legitimate! she's the Truth! quietly stealing scenes her whole career cos blacks could only play maids and landlady key witches...
Pauline Kael: i was the only woman who stood up for this. in fact i was the only critic man or woman who defended it. the most famous film review of all time. i'm sorry but this was the way film was going at the time, it had broken in this direction....
Robert Ebert: without that review, i'd be just another fat kid on the corner with a perverted view of sex instead of a cinematic one...
Bertolucci: i went to jail for this. then, i went to prison for this to keep this piece of work of mine viable and able to be accessed and seen by the public. i mean do you know how much blood sweat tears and cum went into making this? i ain't throwing all it out down the Italian bidet!
TCM: this isn't just another example of wokeness, this thing really is problematic!!!
Francis Bacon: they stole my act! they stole my paintings!!! the one of Susan Lucci at Sesame Street! i was dead so i couldn't charge their capital. the least they could have done is pay me in hams...and i don't mean buns...
Rubikon: soundtrack all colorized noir hence the trumpets and sex saxes, all from jazz of course...
Laertus: it's so much easier to shoot around the city than to build sets, your setting is already built!
Dirg: wait, is this gonna be all French with no English subtitles? well fuck me. or both languages? is Brando just gonna speak English? does Brando know French fluently or is he acting that he knows French?...
Bertolucci: yeah actually this was a problem. it should have been all or nothing, either have the whole thing French with English subtitles or have the two actors only speak English.
Eye: disagree, director, this works. it's very natural, this is how it would be in Paris in the '70s, especially the student section, a mix of both, dipping in and out of the two languages, and both at once...
Dirg: scream to start, shoulda been a clue. if he's a hotel owner why doesn't he buy the apartment? the '70s, when an old man can just start humping on a random young-girl stranger off the street...
Brando: btw those kids were just peeing in the bush. even tho i'm supposed to be the old man in this, many people mistakenly think this was my final role or something, my Mickey Rourke comeback, but i actually did this concurrently with The Godfather...
Dirg: no names, we don't want the police involved. calmly discussing LP records after the rape.
Brando: okay that was funny. not that, the suicide scene. not that suicide is funny, but my big dramatic moment when i monologue for hours over my wife's living casket with those toxic purple flowers that made me sneeze acid and read hieroglyphics, that's why i'm constantly pausing. i wasn't looking up to the sky for grace, the WHY ME GOD, that's where my cue card was! taped to the ceiling! hahahahahaha
Maria: so sir, you use cue cards? so THAT's the secret...
Brando: yeah makes it organic and improv, in-the-moment, present, FLOW and LATOM. i never memorize lines.
Cecily: you'd be perfect for SNL...well, not anymore...
Brando: i asked to write my lines on your butt, Maria...
Bertolucci: my response: we may be doing something sketchy here, but i'm not rude.
Brando: would have went well with the whole butter thing, clear your rear, clarified butter...
Pat: IHOP? oh they do a production of Into The Woods! like we did in college!
doctor: actually that was Rocky Horror...
Dirg: i mean is this whole movie just Brando walking in and out of rooms and darkened hallways?...
Dirg: yeah beat that French fag in the street!
Maria: i mean i have to shave Brando's back while i keep my hairy bush?
Brando: be grateful we used a rat and not a pig, the pig stuff was my improv. the insanity of sexual fantasy...we have a father/daughter relationship...
Laertus: the SNL steel-cagematch elevator from the '80s!...
Brando: i ate that rat in real life...
G Gordon Liddy: hey can i have some of that rat, Marlboro old pal?...
Brando: you get the horsehead...
Laertus: making a movie is hard. making a movie with a '70s camera is hardest. with real reel-to-reel film. this is the first reality tv show!
Maria: lifesaver, i would have preferred the candy after that kiss...
Laertus: hear that, Dirg? uniforms are useless, very Picardian.
Dirg: and then a long wandering monologue about some dog that hunted him? bit him in the butter? it's like he was reading the cue cards from Our Town...
Eye: never knew a cock was called a joint. and FINALLY we get to the ostensible tango bar! the actual title! and it's tres chic and '70s, open-mike night, no frills, no footlights or lasers, just a plain wood basketball court and mahogany purple velvet suits with purple gin...
Dirg: and suddenly Brando is Sean Connery. but farm life is the best, no pressure...
Maria: Brando was a bad dancer, and if i had seen that was what your butt looked like, like a bruised peach, Mr. Marlon Brando, i never would have sex with you if this were real life! ironic with the butt thing...
Brando: did you see how i stuck out my tongue, wagged it, and acted crazy? i was setting the template for all future Jokers to come...
Madame Pons: no means no, bro. don't be a frat guy, don't you have a mom?...
Mardith: Clue library...
Maria: your wife killed herself cos you're Marlon Brando...
Brando: it's a tragedy cos i finally in the end wanted to start a family with you, have a family to tie me to this world. which my bitch of a wife who whacked herself couldn't muster. i made you an offer, a gift. think about that the next time people voluntarily don't have children...
Maria: i wouldn't have shot you if you didn't put on my father's military hat...can't make fun of the troops...
Brando: and i don't look dead, i look like i'm sleeping on the balcony. g'night, folks...
Maria: and i'm rehearsing my story for when Encyclopedia Brown questions me...g'night, folks...
Encyclopedia Brown: thank you, Maria, i'll take it from here. re-hearse, clever girl. so what do you want to do here...
Galivant: dunno, Pat's not here.
Pat: *huffing and puffing* i'm here i'm here sorry, what'd i miss?
Galivant: everything. the entire ceremony and the last rites. the wedding was a day ago, our guests all drove home across the seven seas. where were you? you don't pray anymore so i texted you. Encyclopedia Brown here was nice enough to volunteer to be the officiant.
Encyclopedia Brown: *fixes his belt around his skinny belly* yeah Detective Conan---the anime one---was busy being the officiant to the wedding of Jimmy Kudo and Rachel...
Pat: completely forgot. i was watching my shows.
Galivant: shows? strippers?
Pat: no my tv shows, Chicago Fire and ER, i never miss them. in case i become a doctor. even when i'm at college i have to watch. ESPECIALLY when i'm at college i watch them more cos it's my only tie to home and anything ground in this world.
Galivant: *glumly* i'm not your home? i can never wear this dress again, it was timed to go out with the universe, i...i'm not mad...i can't show you i'm mad...can't have you with that power over me...i...ARGHHHHHHHHHHH
Pat: *chuckles lightly* heehee, angry God...
Galivant: angsty God. so are you finally living the life you dreamt?
Pat: yes, i'm living in memories, not long-term long-range plans. a robot has spam, an android has memory. but you know, i finally figured it out: this whole thing that i'm going through now, there wasn't a name for it before but now there is thanks to The CW: all this going crazy in supermarkets and not knowing what direction i'm in, where i'm going, the anxiety of the preadolescence of escaping parent tennis and dating a Russian cos my country abandoned me but mostly cos she was hot and smoking ivy and running away as my profession cos i'm in track and switching majors and going for paper---PhD not money---and not knowing what i'm doing and who i should be with if i ever do find anyone and the girl from Earth Girls who started it all cos she birthed me my notion of womanhood and blissful aural femininity and girls are NOT easy and setting fire to things accidentally: i went through a QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS.
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