notes:
* wow the Christmas commercials this year are especially good. with the time everyone had with that pesky 2020 pandemic thing, they took their time and care to make them extra-moving. i haven't felt this heartfelt since my teacher dumped me. they made me feel again. melted my icy heart. and when i say icy i mean black ice...
* Kermit the Frog: Willie, why do you look like a girl?
Willie Nelson: what do you mean?
Kermit: your pigtails.
Willie: braids are cool, man, they're urban. look i didn't want to reveal this to Entertainment Weekly but i've gone ahead and started wearing women's clothes, dresses and stuff.
Kermit: why?
Willie: i want to be more like Harry Styles, you green fuck.
* girl: where's the burnt sienna! where's the god-damn burnt sienna!
dad: hey! no swearing in this house, young lady, this is a Christian household!
girl: i know, dad! that's why i don't have any friends! i have the possibility of making a friend for once!
mom: let her be. just don't crayon any menorahs and we should be fine...
* gramma: oh well aren't you a sweet girl. i'd sign back but i don't have any markers, my grandson ate them all. are you sure you don't want cookies from me instead?
girl shakes her head.
gramma: just as well. i don't know how to cook.
* gramma's next sign: FUCK THIS GLASS
* girl: will you be my friend?
gramma: sure i will, sweetheart. i get it, you have glasses, you're friendless, everyone thinks you're a dweeb...
* girl: what's your favorite color? is it black?
gramma: come on, man...
* girl: DAD! i told you to shave off that beard! you look like Jack Dorsey, the kids at school make fun of me!!!
* girl: Red. what's your name?
gramma: Red.
* girl: my gramma friend hasn't answered my text for an entire calendar year! an entire new round of four seasons occurred since last!
dad: she's ghosting you...
mom: hey turn that Greta Thunberg face upside down, sister. smile! it's Christmas!
* girl: real subtle, mom, you wearing a green grunge plaid onesie on Christmas, thanks for rubbing it in!!!
mom: your friend's probably dead.........BUT YOU GOT A NINTENDO!!!...
* gramma: did you get what you wished for?
girl: yeah i got the tattoo kit. bitch where you been?
gramma: i was in the hospital. i got covid.
girl: but the tv says covid isn't real...
* girl: where were you really? i see that bracelet around your wrist, you snuck out to a concert didn't you. who'd you see? hmmmm, who's the hot band in 2020?.........uh FLEETWOOD MAC perhaps!!!?...
* Friday the 13th: you aren't scared of me?
kid: not this year...
* kid: that was a hard essay question, we had to answer in 100 words or less what the meaning of life is: i wrote down:
Apophis
Apophis: you get an A. A for Apophis...
happy weekend, my babies. we can breathe finally. and enjoy. I GOT DRUNK OFF BROWN BUTTER CARAMEL FRAPPUCCINO for the first time! finally! i held it up like the Lion King my Biden Brown Butter!!! been scoping that thing out for years! finally on my shelves!!! was it worth it? it tastes like the regular Frappuccino only slightly sweeter...
TOMORROW: chicken sandwich. new one from Wendy's. it will taste like a chicken sandwich. Church's coming in hot and WAY LATE with THEIR chicken sandwich! sorry, Church's, it's just too late!!! your prayer went wrong...
2 comments:
Kermit also looks like a girl. I mean, who can tell a boy frog from a girl frog? Not me. You know who is way ahead of us in being gender fluid? Fish. https://theconversation.com/what-we-learn-from-a-fish-that-can-change-sex-in-just-10-days-129063
that song always makes me cry
whoa! i'll never eat fish sticks again...not that i was a fan of fish sticks to begin with...my dad was the one who always ordered the Filet-o-Fish...back when Kanye was just funny and not dangerous...the Gorton Fisherman creeps me out, but my psychiatrist tells me to picture David Letterman in the yellow slicker...
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