TMIT: SEX SYMBOLS ARE BORN, NOT MADE

"you have to be born a sex symbol. you don't become one. if you're born with it, you'll have it even when you're 100 years old."---Sophia Loren

and Sophia would know, she was the very first gilf...

1. are movie star sex symbols a thing of the past? HELL NO. take H. Jon Benjamin.........well H. Jon Benjamin's voice...

2. who was your favorite sex symbol while you were growing up?

Maria from Sesame Street

that wedding episode was tough to get through. even rougher for a kid like me with no coping skills. i cried blubber forcing my eyes open to have to watch that special. the only thing that comforted me that day was Linda Bove's smile. when Luis takes Maria strongly by his forearm and walks her down the aisle, when she gazes longingly into his Latin-lover eyes as they say their vows---Big Bird understandably not wanting to go up to that altar holding a candle---i threw my fish tuna-melt at the tv screen and howled at the moon on the calendar above...

3. of present-day stars, who do you consider to be a legitimate sex symbol? why?

Shia LaBeouf. because of what he said about his mother...

4. do you have what it takes to be a sex symbol? tell us 3 things that make you a sex symbol:

i look like Tiger Woods

i look like Drake

i look like Eric Andre

5. the following can be celebrities or people in your life.

---name someone who was sexy younger and is still sexy today, like Helen Mirren:

my priest. he constantly brags to me about how good he is in bed. how he cleansed Annette Funicello's soul so she wouldn't get disowned by Disney in her old age. about how he got the black-and-gold Lamborghini cos he's a Taurus. our sessions always go like this:

priest: tell me your sins you did today, you little bitch.

me: i started to believe in the infinity pool...

priest: speaking of, i got an infinity pool. it's in my villa up in the Italian hills where i Confession celebrities. what i hear in their sacred box i only tell the papers. i got to drink George's wine. he gave me a three-picture deal with HBO Max where if i singlehandedly revive Venture Bros i can do my vanity project where i get to be Jude Law's trainer...

---name someone who was a bit goofy when younger but has gotten sexy with age? like Jeff Goldblum:

Goofy. right? when he reappears in Goof Troop he's different. he's the seasoned dad, the man who is wise and doesn't guffaw at shit anymore. doesn't go around chasing ambulances, he's just sitting in his easy-chair smoking a pipe, washing dishes for his smoking wife, taking care of his skateboard son. and telling stories out of school about the old days and where Mickey stores his cheese in his body. Goofy is a zaddy.

---name someone who was sexy when younger but has lost that sex appeal? Woody Allen...

BONUS: name a sex symbol living or dead whose bedroom skills you would not mind testing out? Trent Reznor...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

 

MOREL OREL REGAINING HIS INNOCENCE

notes:

* Cal and Stanford tied at halftime...because of course they are...

Paul Bunyan: first time ever The Big Game is being played on a Friday.

John Henry: give me back my axe! don't try to pigeonhole me with my hammer!

Kurt Cobain: why play football for an axe? why play football at all? if you're gonna play for an axe that was once lost in the woods, play for my guitar!!!

* this year the John Lewis Christmas advert is a symphony of animation styles...and substance...well substances anyway...

* there are at least 8 songs and or adverts with "Give A Little Love" in their title

(looking at you, Target)

* okay, yellow football: that portends that Cal will win the game...

* Skins: Anwar's origin story 

Dev Patel: i got Skins with no prior acting experience. now i win Oscars. life, huh?...

* pigeon: yeah mate, i know this looks all heartwarming with this heart around my beak but actually this is keeping my beak shut! help!

pigeon: all this holiday stress got my eyes all crusted over...

* best friend: Mary Poppin's origin story...never knew she had glasses......explains her motivation...

* girl: WHOA! WHAT THE FUCK!

Dev: if i say bad words in my household i go to hell.

girl: i'm from an atheist household, we do up Christmas like a motherfucker

Dev: it's alright tho, cos there are many hells...

* Dev: did we just turn into Claymation!?

girl: nah, this is our true form, the human thing was a phase...

* snowman: mate i appreciate the sentiment but you just gave me a balloon made out of my flesh...

* snowman: WHOA these rooftops look a little too eerily like the Attack on Titan rooftops...

TOM from Toonami: last season you oily motherfuckers!!!...

* animation inker: nobody appreciates hand-drawn animation anymore. 

Fred Flintstone: remember when square tires were funny? here's a snow heart-shaped tire to remember the Flintstones by. when the Seth MacFarlane deal fell through we had to eat Dino...

* man answering the stoop: wait, rose? honey i swear i got you rose for Christmas! it's Macy's fault for making you wait!!!

man: look i know we've had our issues, snowman. we used to be good neighbors but last Christmas was the ski trip and the threeway. your wife's got small snowball-sized tits but i like them small!...

* wife: i love this Snowman bobblehead i keep on top of the refrigerator......i'm not into sports, we just have fun with our neighbors...

* bald neighbor: why you peepin'!? i'm not naked!

man: your head is. what's the tea?

bald bloke: it's actually not tea, it's London Fog coffee...

man: um, why are you reading Hair Trend 2024 magazine?...

* man: NO it's a giftwrapped snake...

* bald bloke: my house couldn't afford an obscene display of bright-as-fuck Christmas lights this year. 

man: even if they could all the snow would have shorted them out...

* bald bloke: this JOKE was so funny i farted in the bathtub! i made a ginger presentable to society by giving him Flock of Seagulls heart-shaped hair!

man: what's the joke?

bald bloke: Trump thinks he won the election...

* Steven Universe heart as the star atop the Christmas tree!

Rebecca Sugar: kiss my grits. put sugar in your grits. i ain't doing that damn cartoon again, do you know how much work that was!

* Mordecai: after Regular Show folded, i did what any millennial has to do these days: i became a DJ...

* Rigby: why i gotta dance and ballet around in this butterfly costume tho?

Mordecai: remember? you're trying to relive your past from before Eileen dumped you during the Christmas performance of that opera...

* Mordecai: and now we're reliving that Trump-supporter uncle character from Steven Universe who rode WWII-era planes. see this character is quickly becoming old-hat...

* woman on bus: here, i fixed your glasses. magic, not old obtuse Russian magic mind you, just because i'm an old woman wearing this babushka scarf around my head don't make me a Russian spy...

girl: oh it's that bird from those commercials that keeps telling me to get my glasses fixed!

owl: i had a job before the Rockefeller tree scandal...

* bus driver: NEXT STOP...TOOTING...TOOTING NEXT STOP...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy holidays and weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: we gotta go to Dennys, right? it's the only free open weekend that's left on the calendar this entire fugging, austria year! i've had the Rudolph pancake but i'm gonna go sight-unseen-like Riker to the Dennys and look at the menu brand-new-to-me to see if they got any new holiday flavors for those pancakes. and then the usual red potatoes and club sandwich.........peppermint syrup, just a suggestion, Dennys...  

 

PROPER PAT: ERASE EVERYTHING YOU LEARNED IN SCHOOL...

Pat: so how's this gonna work?...

Galivant: you'll see...

Pat and Galivant are traveling...around the world...together...forever...but they gotta pitstop for gas-siphon snacks and salvation. so eventually they make a turn at a very nice artistic silver cherub with his privates sanded off and one piece of Hot Tamale candy in its hole. it's a very nice spit fountain. and cobblestone village with hay for roofs. and they seem to have settled somewhere in the UK...well it looks like English countryside anyway...

Pat: i want a '70s cream sweater with a red-blue-and-brown racing stripe. i want to drink blessed rains. if you squint the Toto "Africa" music video looks and sounds like Blue Oyster Cult. and through a time machine Martha Jones from Doctor Who is in this video...

they are listening to "The Walker" by Fitz and the Tantrums on the dashboard of their car as they make the turn after the turn into the school slash gift shoppe...

the first person they see at the gift shoppe is, ironically, Celine...

Celine: *browsing around the dinner-bell cow-clanging keychains* hey, i didn't do that Woody Allen Paris film, okay!?...

Dirg: that Trelegy gilf tho

Tyzik: isn't it a little early?

Dirg: don't need to see Fleabag like everyone keeps badgering me to see, i got the Trelegy flea-market gilf!

Boc: MY GRASS-LAWN TENNIS COURTS ARE ALL DEAD! don't matter how much you water dirt! my dad Ryan Seacrest bought me new boots. but i haven't used them yet cos it's the rainy season...

Ryan Seacrest alone at the casino: it's a complete luck-of-the-draw whether or not you get abusive parents or not...

Bella Poarch joins the Orchid Girls as the inhouse tattoo rose artist, she tats the girls up on her porch...

Cazzie David is found in a cave-sized ditch, she is found all the way down lying down at the center of the Earth's full core...

Pete Davidson: what are you doing in this chasm? this Cazzie Chasm?

Cazzie: finishing up my book. the quiet down here helps me write...

Cecily Strong: i'll be playing Rebecca Lissner for a Lifetime tv-movie up here in Canada...i'm away this Thanksgiving but my heart is full but empty...it would have been impossible for me to continue living this way if Bump had won four more years...that's why i'm in Canada...

Madame Pons: Mardith! what are you doing!?

Mardith: i'm inhaling vapor, not pot smoke! for my sinuses...

Pons: silly girl, there's a LUSH soap for that. most pungent scent in the world. why does the vapor tub look like a bong?...

Mardith: a life coach is not a psychiatrist...

Pons: i'm late. i'm late. for a very important date!...

as Pons and Takahashi keep dating, all at the tea shoppe garden, 

Takahashi: *talking to Laertus's camera* i want to impress on her she has the talent to be our group's photographer. look, here she comes...

Takahashi: i've seen your work, it's good! i'm not just saying that. look at the cover art and liner-notes art of this album. a combination of B&W of the band and psychedelic drippings.

Pons: yeah i don't know, do i buy double-albums anymore? just for the artwork inside the booklet? 

Takahashi: sure! use it as a guide. and get Mardith to be your muse of the brush, she can join our group as our painter!

Mardith: it's my worst nightmare. my soul mate posts everyday for three years on Instagram. but i never DM him. then one day his account never posts again, it just stays there, sits there, never moving, never blinking...just staring at me...just mocking me...cos i know he's left and and he's never coming back...

Mardith: my boo is taking some time away from me to do some self-discovery...

Eye Luggage: girl you mean to tell me you're ACTUALLY dating Dirg!!!?

Mardith: i kicked him out...

Pons: you don't like him, you've just become comfortable with him...

Michael Weiss still has the speedo on...but it's under his sparkly recyclable-denim jeans...

Michael Weiss in a mortarboard: Instagram's one big vibe...one big mood shot...btw once you find someone and are taken your Instagram instantly becomes boring...

Mortarboard Michael Weiss: all Instagram channels eventually become trying to simulate '80s MTV...

Mortarboard Michael Weiss: all i do on Instagram now is wish couples well...

Doryce: i mean why we gotta spend Thanksgiving at Starbucks!? 

Gladyce: i bless you with a spell to help remind you we're blessed to be together. remember? The Treehouse is being fumigated...of the pest known as Dirg...

Doryce: do they serve spaghetti here? i need a big strong man to crack the spaghetti for me...

Gladyce: well i'm glad DiGiorno finally listened to the people and took out the sleeve for the stromboli. it's softer when it's microwaved now...

Doryce: i mean The Store is so massive and big-box now, just IMAGINE all the food poisoning that goes on with their products. so how can the little guy win a food-poisoning lawsuit against them? just by taking off the shelves a seemingly-suspiciousless glass mason-jar of soup with a little less liquid than normal?...

Tyzik: whoa! Jake from State Farm is jacked!!! look at those rippling biceps!!!...

Takahashi: why do all the Hollywood babes wear that black mask that makes them look like Mileena from Mortal Kombat?...

Nikki Rowe joins the Orchid Girls again after getting tatted-up on her inside arm inhouse...

Laertus: people are cognizant now...

the crew and cast see a Christmas production of Swan Lake performed in 27 quarantine bathtubs on the video menu screen above all the coffee pots: 

Laertus: Maria Tallchief, our first prima ballerina. the way America SHOULD have been from the start. with Native-American Indians being the luminaries in this society...

Doryce: mocha-flavored coffee? it's not gonna taste like i want it to taste...

Gladyce: dear it's the Christmas season, the best season for witches, it's time to take a step back, stop complaining, and reflect on our blessings. what's a little aftertaste between friends? gratitude...

Doryce: i'd take grinditude...

Gladyce: think about it, think how comfortable you feel at the Obec Walgreens...cos we're home, we're near home. now imagine that same our Walgreens but it's a foreign strange land cos it's 50 miles away from home cos we live in Salinas...

Doryce: WE LIVE IN SALINAS!!!!? THE HEXIOUS HORROR!!!

Dr. Vacc looks at his watch, a pendulum swings in the clockface...

Doryce: it's like one of those gut-check cold-as-fuck Teavana drinks which cools your stomach on contact. freezes your esophagus... 

Gladyce: the tea here's so strong i can smell it even with my mask on...

Pons: that's nothing, the soaps at LUSH are so strong i can smell them a mile away from my store......with my mask on!...

Pons: i use a little bit of the essential-oil drippings to fill my smelly nightlight at night...

Felicia Combs wearing cranberry-colored lipstick for the dinner season: thanks, J Lo...

Jennifer Lopez of The Weather Channel: don't fuck me...

Jim Cantore: not sayin jus sayin, the European models are ALWAYS wrong...they're just always off...

Teuila Blakely: see? it was a nice twist on the old-as-dirt body swap: Steel wanted to be human for so long so this is how they do it. the only thing i would have added is Zoey fucking the robot in Nate's body to get more furries on board so we make more money!!! i hate my job!!!

Dirg: why do the Democrats constantly want men in skirts...

Roxy: yes, it was i, i of course goaded them into doing a musical...

Teuila: you can also use whip cream for sex...

Eye Luggage: Teuila, will that cute tech next to you who always wears black ever get her own story?...

Cotard: i miss my black woman friend...

Rangers: clever naming of Honnold Peak...

Zoey: i begged them no more jeans.........so i gotta wear supertight lycra yoga pants now!...

Dirg: first off, i had no idea Zoey had a brother. if i were Mike i wouldn't have forgiven Zoey, i would have disowned my own sister, fuck that bitch for fucking my fossil...

Boc: i got new boots, heavy-duty army boots, i FEEL it now, when i switch from my boots to my loafers, i'm light in there. when i attack those grass lawns i feel i'm an invading army, the secret police waking my neighbors in the morning, shooting my hose in riot gear. the land is so parched it literally kicks up dust like a saloon spur at first touch of wet...

Gladyce: you'd think you'd be comfortable walking around the Treehouse doing chores in socks, but you're actually more comfortable in shoes...

Gladyce: when i take my 2 Vanquish a day i can do anything, i feel invincible. braver. i comment things on Instagram i wouldn't otherwise comment...

Takahashi: when you say a piece of art is "too political" now, it just doesn't have the same sting to it anymore, the same bite...

Takahashi: hey Dirg, instead of cooking a whole Thanksgiving turkey feast, just get a lined turkey-cranberry-stuffing Dutch Crunch sandwich at The Store...

Madame Pons sneaks out the backdoor of Starbucks and the backdoor of LUSH to go to her oxydome appointment...

Laertus: they used to make all tv shows in New York City...

Dirg: girls who wear their iphones visible in their butt-pocket are showcasing to the world that they know they're hot...

Takahashi: then don't be jealous! buy them a case...

Stu: America is gonna get what it needs, rather than what it wants...

Laertus: i mean even Lark Voorhies! Lark Voorhies is coming back! Lark! if Lark comes back, Dustin Diamond has NO excuse! we've all been the porn guy, it's no big. my dad was taught high-school Spanish by Dustin Diamond's uncle...

Takahashi quietly donates his 1974 AMC Gremlin at the outdoor movie theater for money for Christmas gifts...

Laertus: this car IS the '70s!!!

Dirg: save the 8-track! BLM Friday this year?...

President Bump uses the Army to break into Phil Collins's mansion and kidnap his wife...

Phil Collins: thing is the older and balder we both get, the more and more i look like Peter Gabriel...

Takahashi: how can there NOT be a Panera in Berkeley!!!?...

Gordon Ramsay: sorry but pictures of food on Instagram are boring...

Takahashi: i coulda been so much smarter if i had eaten fish through my childhood...but i never liked fish...

Dirg: fish taco, man! the food of real men real women want...

Dirg: i feel horniest in the mornings...urge too strong, gotta cum...i need to get new boxer shorts...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?...

Pat: that was another lifetime ago...

Eye: Eraserhead and go...

Laertus: Jack Nance.

Pat: nonce...i have to learn...

Laertus: Jack Nance. the Jughead hair. the MC Hammer hair. the Vanilla Ice hair. the hair i imagine when i'm looking to cast Killboy Powerhead...

Eye: JACK NANCE WAS ON MY SO-CALLED LIFE!!! everyone forgets about that! just another reason to go back and watch My So-Called Life!!!...

Laertus: i'll be honest, at first this film was what it was billed as, a midnight feature, didn't see anything particularly special about it, in fact the first quarters of it are boring, Q1 and Q2 not bringing dividends...

Eye: babe it would have been more interesting to expand an episode of Unsolved Mysteries and have the film be about how Jack Nance and all his lovers mysteriously died...

Dirg: trust the cops, trust donuts, trust meatballs, never trust crescents. you can't live up to the clean-cut Hollywood sweater. if only Thor had been at Bass Lake at the time, that guy's never around when you need him...  

Dirg: certainly nothing special enough for the film to be enshrined by Congress!!! encased in a glass case like Vanilla Sky! look, let's call it out for what it is, the only thing worthy in this is that song about Heaven sung on that Broadway stage by that broad who looks like Mr. Limpet. cheeks like if Laertus were casting for Sandy Cheeks...

Eye: do this tonight when you smell your nightlight: watch this film with the picture off, the sight off, just LISTEN to this film...the noises of fog, the industrial sounds, metal clanging, the background music of its soundtrack...

Gordon Ramsay: this is where industrial music came from..the steel mills of England...

Dirg: must be nice to have an ENTIRE liberal college backing you as you make your first feature. don't have to worry about funding, poor college student, just continue spreading socialism through the world and you'll be a big star!

Laertus: Dirg, watch this film again, David Lynch is trying to tell you something subliminally, turn the volume up in your ears, take the tinfoil out, he's telling you:

David Lynch: Dirg, don't procreate. don't have children...

Laertus: scary, huh? raising children that is...

Eye: but this is all sweet, this film is a tribute to Lynch's daughter's birth defects and deformities. the stubbed hands and feet of the alien baby, like a turkey showcasing its legbones. if that ain't Thanksgiving i don't know what is!

Dirg: Lynch's daughter wrote and directed Boxing Helena.........OH! NOW it all makes sense now! 

Laertus: i mean the family stows the comatose grandma away in her own corner of the kitchen, making sure she has a smoke lit by the stove to ease her troubles. see they don't just shut her away at a nursing home, they spend time together as a family, THAT's what Thanksgiving is all about!!!

Dirg: it's like bad Simpsons, bad Beverly Hillbillies...

Dirg: and that whore in the apartment across the hall...

Eye: um, being hot doesn't make you a whore...

Mardith: too much sauce only applies to spaghetti...

Laertus: that sex scene tho. it's so......weird. and mysterious and mystical...they're like two naked mannequins in a gigantic cup of boiling tea...

Dirg: there's too much smoke and steam and Steinbeck Dust Bowl dust storms in this film anyway...

Eye: this is basically an extended episode of The Twilight Zone. how do i know? the radiator. the bulky Joy Division-lines steel-mill radiator in the cold small apartment is the big giveaway...

Laertus: what was that? when Jack Nance plops a pebble into the small thing of water. like a tiny tank or cup or tea, what what that all about?...

Laertus: you know i first thought this film was gonna be about, like, the Cold War or something, something about that hair spoke Kubrick and electricity experiments with nuclear energy to me. i was genuinely shook when it ends up being about of all things actual pencil erasers, the nubs at the ends of beige school pencils...

 

Eye: but it's still a factory, babe, it's still a factory...

Dirg: Catholic nun pencils. you know why they kept the complicated prop of the alien baby secret? cos if Rod Serling found out he'd tell the Russians. the Russians who scraped the alien off Sputnik. Rod would tell Sigourney Weaver who would tell her autopsist who tells the Space Baby to shrink its head who would tell a struggling young Steven Spielberg trying to come up with an idea to get out of film school... 

Dirg: wait the Man In The Planet is supposed to be Paul Bunyan, right?

Rubikon: no, John Henry.

Dirg: that mother was ain't right. nobody says the word sexual intercourse. whatever machinist job our main everyman Henry Spencer has it's gotta be better than filling bullets. whatever Thanksgiving turkey you're planning on having it's gotta be better than the blood bird. see i bet the pregnant girl had cravings for skinless pickles, that was your problem right there. 

Mary X: i'm going back to mother!

Henry Spencer: you mean the other woman?

Takahashi: love the anime names...

Dirg: that street-urchin boy is straight out of JoJo's Bizarre Les Mis. i mean can Henry be surprised that he got dumped? no girl likes the baggage of a man with a baby. Henry takes the scissors, cuts the sleeves off the baby's hoodie, and the lizard thing cheats his way to Super Bowls and the Presidency! and suddenly this becomes the ending of The Turin Horse. please tell me the iconic shook-face scene has a firework of eraser shavings. please tell me that's at least salt bae and not dried cum...

Dirg: look, the symbolism in this is simple, not complicated: Henry Spencer, the spermatozoon creature comes out of Henry's mouth. sperm cumming out of Henry's mouth...g'night, folks...

at the fountain:

Pat: what is this? where are we? all i see around me in a circle are brown cows, brick schoolrooms bunched together in one farmhouse, and turrets. and Rachel Maddow.

Rachel Maddow: hello all. as you can see i'm wearing a The Smiths turtleshell helmet. we're broadcasting the show to you tonight from my underground bunker at Grey Gardens...

Galivant: first, dunk your head in the water of this fountain...

Pat: done.

Galivant: you're starting life over. from college "graduate" to college student to schoolboy to boy to toddler to infant wrapped in swaddling alien clothes. you're the alien, you're gonna live a brand new life in a different place starting from Q0, Age 1. to see. we'll skip, we'll fastforward the non-communicative first-five-years and get you into grade-school stat. i'll keep all your stellar first-five-years dreams for myself in my pocket. what would it have been like if you had grown up in England instead of America? we're about to find out. Pat, you are now a LAD...

   

TMIT: ROBYN

also a surf-wax shoppe in Manhattan Beach...

1. which part of your body do you think is the most sexy? post a pic if you dare

my sixth finger on this hand here...

...hold up, brb, i gotta do the intro to Chiller Theatre...

2. which part of your partner's body do you find the most sexy? tell us about the time you first saw it:

tits. one day, fingers crossed...

3. are you a fan of lingerie on yourself? or on someone else?

i'm a fan of boxer shorts which fit right. Large instead of Medium at Macy's.........you know what, make that XL so you save yourself ANOTHER damn trip on long country roads......that was just me talking to myself, making a mental note of it, reminding my memba to kick in...

4. "Fifty Shades of Grey"---work of genius or complete twaddle?

it's a work of genius BECAUSE the authoress herself admits that it's complete twaddle...

5. would you rather listen to a sexy voice telling you what is happening or watch a sex scene on mute?

i want Annie Lennox to narrate my entire life...

BONUS: tell us about a time you experimented with a fantasy and it did not go according to plan:

i went on Plenty of Fish.........and instead of my soul mate i got the Gorton Fisherman...

...i mean how did he type his profile with that hook-hand of his?...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

BALLERINA DANCING ON A ROOFTOP BY MOONLIGHT

notes:

oh i remember that 10-episode story arc i wrote on Instagram about a ballerina dancing on a roof by moonlight. it's a beautiful image to center a tale around. it evokes Batman: The Animated Series. and that SVU episode. to the envy of parkourists the world over...

* rad maestro: i choose YOU. to be in the main ballet.

Tais Vinolo: i WIN LIFE based on my name alone! nobody will ever have a radder name than me! i'm the prima ballerina now, bitches, where my teacakes and wine!?...

* maestro: keep the feather tiara, you're gonna need it for emotional support when the show gets canceled...too soon?...

Dirg: Dovato commercial?

maestro: not cool.

* Tais: the main reason i got into ballet was to get out of this stuffy school uniform with the drab red Handmaid's Tale overcoat and green grunge Green River plaid pleated skirt...

* dad: that's a wonderful spin, honey, but now i gotta vacuum the carpet, use your cleats next time...

* mom: honey stop plie-ing in front of the tv, i can't watch the news.

Tais: I DON'T NEED TO GO TO SCHOOL ANYMORE???! i can do what i always dreamed of, what i always wanted, devote myself to my one life passion, which has always been ballet!!!

mom: no you still gotta do zoom school...

Tais: aw fuck

* Tais: what groceries you want me to brown-bag for you? celery? tomato? cloud ear?

mom: just buy masks. we don't need to eat, only get masks.

* instructor: wait is this porn!!?

Tais: no i'm just doing the splits. it's video but it's cool.

instructor: sorry, still getting used to zoom...

* dude: i see you, ma.

Tais: you know i'm a ballerina, right? i didn't get this flexible for you.

dude: you're blocking the stairs...

* Tais dancing in the streets in the rain, like a dream:

Tais: my mom spent 7 hours doing my braids. and i went out in the rain to dance and my hair is ruined.........worth it...

* Tais: what you smiling at?

dude: you.

Tais: shouldn't you be in school?...

* Tais: i'm so good when i leap in the rain my feet don't get wet...

* Tais: CANCELED!!!???

George Costanza: it's not you, it's covid.

Tais: IT'S NOT YOU IT'S ME???!!! I INVENTED IT'S NOT YOU IT'S ME!!!!!!

* Tais in bed: i'm sad. true these Christmas danglers are cool light sprites. and my ballerina crayon etchings are cool. and when i cry i cry glitter, but i'm still sad...

* little girl: i know what to do to cheer big sis up!

mom: wait i didn't know i'd be doing all the sewing...

* stairs neighbor: wow! the artwork on this invitation is stellar! you're real good, little sis! *whispering* don't tell her, but you're the better artist between you and your big sister...

other neighbor: this is your ticket out of the projects. excuse me while i get my ballet shoes...

* Tais: oh what a wonderful invitation you made for me, sis, i love it!

little sis: macaroni and glue and everything.

Tais: take it from me, never do glue! that's how they get ya, they start you off with the hot glue in 1st grade...

* dude's mom: HEY BOY! did you order a fleshlight from Amazon again!!?

dude: NO MOM, it's a flashlight i promise!

* that elevator scene back of her head IS Black Swan! Back Swan!

* dude: sorry, i missed your mark with my spotlight.

Tais: boy what were you looking at?!

dude: Batman was on the roof over there...

* Tais: what happened? you missed your cue, where was my glitter?

dude: i ordered it from Amazon, it arrived late...

* dude: but i got you Honduran seed bread.

Tais: let's date!

dude: i dunno...you're gonna be a big star...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

 

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: i'm squirrelly on the Panera Pizza. on the one hand it's the first time i will ever actually eat Panera...

...i know it's weird, all my years at Berkeley and i never once had a bite of their soup or slurped down their sandwiches. on the other hand it's still flatbread pizza which is a ripoff...if you're gonna go pizza get your money's worth and make it a nice full thick crust...

 

TMIT: STYLES SPOKE(S)

tell us what you think, are the following overrated or underrated? why?

for the record, i think all things are rated.

1. birkin bags

nah they're cute. they're like the bags Ewoks would carry around the forest with them.........knowing full well the tragic cost of war and that some of them are carrying them on their shoulders...

2. iphone

sure but i mean this thing where you take up all the bandwidth of your Instagram Stories all day to discuss the newest improvements. it's just gonna change in 3 years so what's the point? you have to keep buying the next new model?.........forever? when does the madness end! i just wanted to wish my grandma a happy birthday before it was too late!!!...

3. writing a book and self-publishing

this hits a sore spot in me. writing IS my life. always has been.........tho i didn't always recognize this. self-publishing is a thorny issue, see...i don't know...everybody is a god among their circle, their group, not everyone can be JK Rowling...

...okay JK Rowling is a bad example for anything now...

...i mean i look at my dad's time when there wasn't social media and you really had to take your fucking two ton tome of a manuscript to the book publisher in New York City they didn't pay for the flight, plop that sucker down on some nebbish's desk and pray he'll publish it for you with his massive crane. and use his fleet of unmarked vans to put it out there on the shelves at Waldenbooks...

typewriter times, simpler times, halcyon times...

4. scruffy short beards

on Brad Pitt yes. on James Franco not so much...

5. hoodies

only if you cut off the sleeves...

6. HIIT workouts

please tell me that's the one where the men get to wear yoga pants......

there is only ONE reason to ever work out:

you're auditioning to get on American Gladiators...

...the '80s American Gladiators...

7. boxer briefs

i got some new boxer shorts at Macy's for my own Christmas gift to myself this last weekend...should have saved them for Boxing Day...they were Medium and i'm Large...it hurts to sit down and be typing this for you right now...

BONUS: avocado toast, overrated or underrated?

avocado toast is much like HNT...

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COVID CHRISTMAS

notes:

* wow the Christmas commercials this year are especially good. with the time everyone had with that pesky 2020 pandemic thing, they took their time and care to make them extra-moving. i haven't felt this heartfelt since my teacher dumped me. they made me feel again. melted my icy heart. and when i say icy i mean black ice...

* Kermit the Frog: Willie, why do you look like a girl?

Willie Nelson: what do you mean?

Kermit: your pigtails.

Willie: braids are cool, man, they're urban. look i didn't want to reveal this to Entertainment Weekly but i've gone ahead and started wearing women's clothes, dresses and stuff. 

Kermit: why?

Willie: i want to be more like Harry Styles, you green fuck.

* girl: where's the burnt sienna! where's the god-damn burnt sienna!

dad: hey! no swearing in this house, young lady, this is a Christian household!

girl: i know, dad! that's why i don't have any friends! i have the possibility of making a friend for once!

mom: let her be. just don't crayon any menorahs and we should be fine...

* gramma: oh well aren't you a sweet girl. i'd sign back but i don't have any markers, my grandson ate them all. are you sure you don't want cookies from me instead?

girl shakes her head.

gramma: just as well. i don't know how to cook. 

* gramma's next sign: FUCK THIS GLASS

* girl: will you be my friend?

gramma: sure i will, sweetheart. i get it, you have glasses, you're friendless, everyone thinks you're a dweeb...

* girl: what's your favorite color? is it black?

gramma: come on, man...

* girl: DAD! i told you to shave off that beard! you look like Jack Dorsey, the kids at school make fun of me!!!

* girl: Red. what's your name?

gramma: Red.

* girl: my gramma friend hasn't answered my text for an entire calendar year! an entire new round of four seasons occurred since last! 

dad: she's ghosting you...

mom: hey turn that Greta Thunberg face upside down, sister. smile! it's Christmas!

* girl: real subtle, mom, you wearing a green grunge plaid onesie on Christmas, thanks for rubbing it in!!!

mom: your friend's probably dead.........BUT YOU GOT A NINTENDO!!!...

* gramma: did you get what you wished for?

girl: yeah i got the tattoo kit. bitch where you been?

gramma: i was in the hospital. i got covid. 

girl: but the tv says covid isn't real...

* girl: where were you really? i see that bracelet around your wrist, you snuck out to a concert didn't you. who'd you see? hmmmm, who's the hot band in 2020?.........uh FLEETWOOD MAC perhaps!!!?...

* Friday the 13th: you aren't scared of me?

kid: not this year...

* kid: that was a hard essay question, we had to answer in 100 words or less what the meaning of life is: i wrote down:

Apophis

Apophis: you get an A. A for Apophis...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies. we can breathe finally. and enjoy. I GOT DRUNK OFF BROWN BUTTER CARAMEL FRAPPUCCINO for the first time! finally! i held it up like the Lion King my Biden Brown Butter!!! been scoping that thing out for years! finally on my shelves!!! was it worth it? it tastes like the regular Frappuccino only slightly sweeter...

TOMORROW: chicken sandwich. new one from Wendy's. it will taste like a chicken sandwich. Church's coming in hot and WAY LATE with THEIR chicken sandwich! sorry, Church's, it's just too late!!! your prayer went wrong...

 

PENN PAT: GHOST PLAYER

Celine: i got the ultimate good ending.........and i've been living with it ever since...

there's so much that goes into a life decision, so much life wrapped up in it, a column stretching past your consciousness. it's too much for your emotions to handle when you stare at the faces of your children...

when i gave Jesse the tea at the end of Before Sunset, i say, "this is hot" when i hand him the cup.........i'm not talking about the tea...

Wittyidiot joins the crones as a stylish recruiter, he has been given the medal for gathering up the most number of hot women to the Orchid Girls... 

Wittyidiot with green bandana: hello my beautiful bitches! i don't give a fuck anymore! the only religion is music! dance music, baby! my rage is pure. i'm the ultimate nice fighter...

...condoms are for dancers!!!...

Doryce: i'm scared of this man's energy. it's not that he's a ginger, it's his unusual power...

Mardith is working with her first client:

Mardith: it's 11/11! THE SACRED MANTRA!!! a day to dance Diwali, to deepen your desire to the divine.

Eric Andre: i had something for this...

Cazzie David, head slunked in her lap: um. dunno. like, maybe get some of my stories published or something...

Mardith: *hands outstretched* think bigger. think the infinite! a love as big as the universe...

it is here that Cazzie throws the planner at Mardith and pulls her hair out...her own hair...

Cazzie: yeah i had love. that fucked me up good. 

Mardith: would you like to phone a friend?

Cazzie calls Larry David. her father...

Larry David: *on the phone but it's so loud he might as well be shouting it in her ear* CAZZIE! BUCK UP, KID! YOUR ANCESTORS SURVIVED THE HOLOCAUST!

Cazzie: he kvetches me this advice on this day of all days Veterans Day. i don't understand. i loved him. i loved him with all my heart. i don't get it. why do guys do that? when you finally tell them you love them they don't believe it. i knew something was up, i knew something was suspicious when Pete Davidson is suddenly ebullient, i know this man's history of sadness. on the phone with me that fateful night, he felt SO good. then the next day he dumps me by text and i read all about his whirlwind romance with Ariana in the papers. i'm a young person but i still read the papers. the worst part is i still liked Ariana Grande music after! we could have been so special together. we could have been David Davidson!!! i was so distraught i locked myself in the bathroom---the Mets stadium muni bathroom mind you---and coughed blood into the sink.

Mardith: well that's good. the blood is the sign you're growing up. you're becoming a woman...

Michael Che: we at SNL like to use metaphor and simile. especially simile...

Madame Pons enters with a face full of Pond's soap for her mustache and diffuses with her best galpal Mardith:

Pons: *triangle fingers* let me tell ya, girl, Takahashi is quite the gentleman!

Takahashi: yeah i found my dream car for my dream date at the tea-garden McDonald's in Singapore! it was in the junkyard under a press if you can believe it. the AE86!!! grey. right? this car IS the '80s!!!

Dirg: looks like the DeLorean wearing the Tanuki boot...

Takahashi: you can have my old Triumph Herald...

Dirg: the car that's also a newspaper? this will be my last car...

Mardith: what a sweetheart teddy bear that Taka is!

Pons: yep. we were on our date and when the first course arrived---the Big Macs---Taka noticed my hair smelled of acid. i had put too much Selsun Blue in my hair, but rather than make a scene he told the valet who did the fry baskets and hopped stones that my hair was blue cos of all the surrounding waterfalls in the tea garden...

Takahashi: we rushed into one of the last public restrooms in the world. and into the stall. inbetween pecks on the neck i let you scratch your head to your heart's content. that acid gets me high. we ended the date at one of the last paperbook stores on Earth: where i bought you a manual on how to be a knuffel contact in Belgium, professional hugger. that's gonna be a hot job come 2021...

Pat: cuddle buddy. with the muddy buddies...

Mardith: he's seggy. i'm so happy for you, girl! the hope that there's a soul mate out there keeps one going, keeps one living. but there is no soul mate out there. what's really keeping you living is the hope...

Laertus: okay i admit it, Nicole Apelian is appealing. i cast her as Katniss...the next Katniss...

Mardith to Dirg: why did you put on your Instagram profile in the bio only these words:

fucking Mardith

none of that is even remotely true!!!

Dirg: those big red balls...

Takahashi: at the front entrance to Target?: that's to commemorate when the shot-put and all Olympic events will forever be held in China from now on...

Dirg: okay why is everyone in the Electronic Gems comments section always talking about taking a test?...

Jim Cantore: as you can see on the map here, the path all this is red......no not that map, the red is the cone of uncertainty...

there's a lot of teabagging going on in the Florida coast...those sandbag-maker cranes like those sixfold water-balloon fillers...the ultimate backhoe...

Tyzik: i remember that commercial...the mom in the lemonade tray and bikini with the big tits.

Dirg: i find people who have been married 5 times endearing...

Mardith: look i get it. it's strangely romantic, hopeful. they never give up on love no matter how many times they divorce, they keep getting back up on that horse to find the next new person...

Michael Weiss in a speedo and Little-Lord-Fauntleroy haircut over his bald cap which reads DUNCE before being erased off by nuns in the corner: facebook's a huge cavern of Hallmark cards to browse to see if your friend would enjoy this...

Dirg: this is what happened in ancient Rome, right? it took a week to determine who the next Emperor was...

Laertus: voting isn't a nerd thing. blue will Wall always win again. we won't allow a pandemic to stop us from keeping our eye on the ball. these last 4 years have been quite instructive. it's not enough to know something, you have to FEEL it, really feel it, feel the pain each day of each of the 4 years to make sure you never experience it again. sense memory, never complacent, never to lazily sit out a vote again, take an election off. we'll never get caught off-guard again...

Dirg: seriously what is this? what's with the Period Pad Posse? why is this niche industry on my jock? my instagram's full of cute Indian girls shilling feminine hygiene products at me, something about blood justice... 

Gladyce: shall i welcome our Anne Hathaway back into the witch fold?...

Doryce: not yet. clearly not till she gives up politics, focuses solely on her magic and her spell-fingers...

Doryce: I WANT A CITIZEN KANE-GARDEN STATE FIREPLACE!!!...

Rebecca Drysdale joins the Orchid Girls as official scribe and head mensch...

Zoe Leonard joins the Orchid Girls by running for and becoming President of the Orchid Girls...

Cotard: we want the numbers!

Codrus: the Election numbers?

Cotard: no, the covid numbers...

The Pope: i like Biden. he's too old for me but i like Biden...

Boc is nervous. he's about to receive a phone call from his real dad. years of contact-tracing has led to the manila envelope before his jaundiced eyes and now he knows for sure. he is to receive the call from the red phone placed on the roulette-table striped felt...

Boc picks up at the casino:

Boc: dad?

Ryan Seacrest drops the phone for him, turns him around, and hugs his son.

Boc: YOU'RE my dad?! Ryan Seacrest is my dad?.........this explains so much...

Ryan: well i ain't no pirate. i didn't want to milk the suspense any longer, son...

Boc: i've learned, dad. no matter how good i become at my job, i can never water the lawn courts the way Mother Nature can, that Bitch soaks the grass like no hose ever could. washing all the cars on Monte Carlo Island free!!! nothing like the smell of sky after the first rain. it cleanses. it colds. it freshens. it sanctifies. it purifies. it cleans the air. rinses it of the obscene obnoxious deadening heatwaves...

Mardith gets down on one knee...

Dirg: *dazed* this is hot as fuck...

she pulls out a ringbox with cash inside.

Mardith: will you HCMC? you'll learn something about yourself, Dirg. learn to be in someone else's shoes, learn what we go through for you men...

Dirg: Ho Chi Minh City hookers? 

Takahashi: no, Home City Mother Country...

Mardith: be a wahine, Dirg. there are thousands of them here on this island but they go unnoticed. i'll pay you to do it, you'll see how hard it is. be a Polynesian girl who has to use her surfing skills to win the tournament and get out of her dead hometown...

Dirg: i appreciate the sentiment i really do, but i can never wear women's clothes, ever...

Allison Mack by a streetcorner, a corner of the island: pssst, hey buddy, you got stomach acid? i got something for that...

Federer: hey i know how it feels. i've suffered for life some devastatingly bitter defeats myself.........take my red hat, it's better...

Takahashi: hey i'm worried about you, buddy. if you were playing Mario okay, but not all the Call of Dutys...

Dirg: i like the Reagan character in the game, is that a crime? do i belong in a Cultural Marxism gulag now?...

Stephen A: it doesn't matter the score. doesn't matter what the score is. i tell Molly and the children all the time, don't look at the numbers in the newspaper, just look at the W...

Laertus: the zoom friends you make now during covid will be your war buddies you'll tell stories with  to your grandchildren 20 years from now...

Dirg to Dr. Vacc: you know what the vaccine is?......Northern Neck Ginger Ale...

Takahashi: haven't gotten necked since Halloween, aye Dirg?

Doryce is impatient and uses a knife to get a stray burning-ember bread nub coal in the toaster. Gladyce finally uses her spell finger to dislodge it...

Gladyce to Doryce: like transformation right before your eyes, transmutation set to music like Paula Cole's "Tiger". crescendo restaurant. remember, dear, you don't need to shake the bottle of hot sauce...

Codrus: my favorite song is a-ha's "Living a Boy's Adventure Tale".........and my favorite club is Bears Brew Back...

Dirg to Tiger Woods: feta cheese tastes like vomit...

Tiger: you see me smiling? i don't have to pretend i like Bump anymore just to get more fans to buy my driver club which is 50 feet long...

Tiger Tiger Woods y'all: i'm a California kid, what's wrong with you. you take one look at me and think i'm from the South and would enjoy pimento cheese!!!!!?...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?...

Tyzik: the girl in the Toto "Africa" video looks familiar...

Eye: Ghost and go...

Dirg: LEMME GO FIRST THIS TIME!!! Bruce Jarchow looks like Stephen Colbert...

Laertus: inevitably this hurts cos it ends up being about Patrick Swayze's REAL death. Sam Wheat. love that name. but Molly Jensen should have been called Molly Cream...

Dirg: i'm gonna surprise you here, but Whoopi Goldberg DID deserve this Oscar! i liked her performance. look i get it, it's Reverse Hamlet and everything...

Eye: yeah she was hilarious in this, and natural, totally going with the flow, not a false note. but this thing has TOTAL tonal whiplash! i mean it's very sad and then it quickly veers into slapstick.

Laertus: and then it just gets weird with the Hell Demons... 

Dirg: totally out-of-place and creepy, weird, jarring, like they belonged in another movie, a Bakshi movie. even back then Hollywood execs were held hostage by Disney and George Lucas, they HAD to use THEIR animation for everything...

Pat: those Hell Demons were just really hungry Gremlins...

Serano: or scrambled-signal crunchy tv lines...

Laertus: gotta love the simplicity of the '80s tho right? where you either go to Heaven or Hell when you die, cut and dry. and of course there still IS an afterlife in the '80s...

Eye: this was the one where Demi Moore's boy-cut became all the rage, every girl was now free to be a tomboy.........in my case i couldn't convince my mom that despite my hair i still sucked at softball...

Laertus: oh look, this '80s film is about Wall Street...

Dirg: the computer technology here, great graphics, state-of-the-art block and primitive...much easier for Russian hackers back THEN than it it today...

cat familiars: we resent this. we're sick of the stereotypes! we cats aren't scary. we don't yowl and scratch your eyes out! we're not MAGIC, the reason we sense ghosts is cos we have better ears!!! AND WE'RE CUTE, BUDDY!!! CATS ARE CUTE!!! we're not monsters!!!

Dirg: yeah i mean there's a fatal flaw in the script: why wouldn't ghosts be able to go through doors? it just doesn't make any sense...

Eye: ooooh, i love how they get the sex out of the way! WOW, i've never sent that, the sex scene is in THE FIRST FIFTEEN MINUTES!!! the potter-wheel clay sex is as iconic as the boombox raised high...

Laertus: i'm way ahead of you, dear, we will roleplay this at our next love session, i got some supplies at the art store...

Dirg: won't the pot get in all your cracks and crevices? murder to wash out. it's not like that potter scene has been parodied to death. make it interesting: encase Patrick Swayze in the pot, do a Han Solo...

Laertus: i'm hoping after our sex we'll actually have a workable usable pot sculpture that will represent all the angles and curves that appeared during our many gyrations, a history of our fuck motions forever kilned and fired-fried in time...

Dirg: let it dry...

Cotard: let it set...

Eye: oh i love it when the WOMAN proposes to the MAN! that is so heady, strong, and feminist!

Laertus: ah it's so great to have good old-fashioned '80s New York muggers on screen again! you know back in the day ALL movies were made in New York City, and all acted by local New York City actors, it was ALL New York, all just done in New York. never filmed anywhere else in the country, if you needed Kansas they'd wheel out the Kansas set with a few bales of hay in Times Square. you would have hated it, Dirg.

Laertus: that moving the angel sculpture up to the studio apartment on a string was one parts Charlie Chaplin, one parts 9 1/2 Weeks, one parts The Flying Wallendas. 

Dirg: Tony Goldwyn. Goldwyn, hmmm, where have i heard that name before in Hollywood?...not saying he doesn't deserve it or doesn't have talent...

Drew Barrymore: watch it, buddy...

Dirg: Rick Aviles as Willie Lopez. or, Michael Jackson if he remained black! they had to make him Puerto Rican to avoid any controversy...

Laertus: watch it, buddy. have some respect the man died of AIDS.

Dirg: Vincent Schiavelli, or Frankenstein. i thought forever that that was Steven Wright. see Vincent had it easy in Hollywood, he had it made, when you have a distinctive face like that you get PARTS others wouldn't!!!

Takahashi: that crazy subway ruckus was very Goku training Gohan...

Eye: Louise and Clara, i wish those sisters took their act on the road...a sister act if you will...

Louise Post: Nina used to be my sister...

Laertus: Phil Leeds. you know Phil Leeds! everyone knows Phil Leeds! the guy from Seinfeld!

Dirg: the Jew with the tooth. how psychologically damaging would it be to see your own dead body sprawled on the street?...

Eye: not much cos by then the spiritual has overtaken the psychiatric...

Laertus: okay YOU KNOW WHAT? i was GENUINELY shook when the heel-turn happens. was not expecting that...

Dirg: heal-turn will never happen...

Laertus: the betrayal of Patrick's friend, so sad, it hurts, and i'm not even talking bout trying to steal yo girl...

Eye: yeah. listen up, Dirg, look at the screen, this is how you get the girl, deliberately spill hot coffee all over your white business shirt so you have to change it and take off the shirt and reveal your pecs.

Laertus: it's very Patrick Bateman isn't it?...

Patrick Swayze's hologram: this dude thinks he has bigger muscles than me? and at this moment i knew i had to make Roadhouse a thing forever... 

Whoopi Goldberg: i don't believe in all this medium hooey. i don't believe in the media. now nuns, well NUNS, okay i believe in nuns tho...

Rubikon: yeah see this is what i mean: Oda Mae Brown gets nabbed for ONE forged check while the white-collar criminal white man gets away with the murder of fleecing billions of dollars from America...

Eye: and then this turns into a buddy comedy. Patrick feeding Oda Mae lines like they're performing vaudeville at the bank. and oh what a lovely sprawling '80s bank, i love that shag orange carpeting, reminds me of the Bank of America my mother told me stories of...she crawled on her knees at that bank...

Dirg: floating penny for your thoughts? listen well, kids, this is the last time "Unchained Melody" will be a popular song, replaced by a Fleetwood Mac song and songs for the rest of time. 

Laertus: i agree with Ebert, they should have shown Whoopi embracing Demi during the spirit-swap scene slow dance...

Takahashi: again, very Dragon Ball Z...

Laertus: heck they should have had Whoopi fuck Demi, it would have been a more powerful moment! but it was still the '80s...

Dirg: Goldwyn should have been impaled and gored by a huge piece of sharp eagle-for-America talon glass that was actually stained glass from a church that was unshatterable. would have been a more powerful moment...

Eye: you gotta give it up for Demi's tears at the end scene there with the illuminating light, those are gorgeous giant globules of water right on cue...

Dirg: not gas...

Dirg: illuminati light? can't be unless it's a dark light. aw man, i mean the final kiss is not really a kiss, they don't really touch lips, it's all air...

Laertus: again i have to say, this film is melancholic. it ends melancholically.  i mean what's in it for Demi? she is simply left with the knowledge---the full realization---that her loss is permanent. will she recover from this? will she move on? or will she be stuck in a rut forever? we will never know...

Eye: DON'T make Ghost 2!!!...

Dirg: poor Patrick Swayze. wouldn't you rather have had a dull full long anonymous life? something to think about as you make new fuzzy friends in Heaven...g'night, folks...

Galivant: ABA...

Pat: ABA?...

Galivant: Always Be Adventuring 

Pat: i'm ready for our trip...

Dirg: hasn't this been done before? and better in other films? After So Many Days? or that Raine Maida doc with his wife where Raine made it rain a little to much outside their marriage...

Galivant: creating beautiful music together to stem divorce. Pat, what is your definition of freedom? your ultimate layer of it?

Pat: ultimate freedom?

Galivant: it's leaving social media forever. not worrying what strangers think of you anymore! they will wonder, they will wonder about us forever, wonder where we went. but we are gone, we are gone forever, never coming back, and it's the most joyous thing! it's ULTIMATE FREEDOM. a ghost that cannot be caught. we'll never have to worry about them again. we are on our own, we are making our own path in life. together, silently. not broadcast. our journey just between us. where's our next stop? what's the next city? do we make a pitstop at the village? nobody will ever know, just the two of us will know. a couple caravan. THAT's how you should spend long time...

Pat: huh. i like it. it's the OPPOSITE of a travelogue. 

Dirg: Jim and Sam? Jim And Sam? Jim & Sam? The Radio Guys? didn't a couple do this before? for a film? a better couple?...

Pat: i want to go back to school. get my Doctorate. London for my Masters...

Galivant: oh no, mister. our first stop will be your schooldays.........but it's not what you think...it's the life you left behind...the life you could have had... growing up an English lad...