hey the Nationals won the World Series! what? what hat? they all wear hats, right?
1. what are your kinks? watching Team America World Police on the plane. that's why i was banned. from having Alec Baldwin as my friend. but later Alec Baldwin recanted and forgave me and we made up. mostly cos he knows deep down i'm better with words for games than he is. being roasted on live national tv by your own daughter will chasten a man...
2. how did a lover last please you?
she woke up one morning and poured her perfume all over my body. i still suspect the perfume was old but it was still very considerate. had that tang of guiltiness when licked up. she used the empty bottle made of all diamonds and filled it with plant water. she used to make plant butter. not for the lovemaking but for our bread. as a living.
she fills the bottle with fresh-cut flowers she distinctly yanks from our garden which grows only at the sides of our house. these flowers are dahlias cos i call her dahlin.
she then proceeds to whack me on my bare back with the flowers she's corralled all into a thistle which forms a crude whip. i'm easing gently back into S&M again...
3. when it comes to giving oral sex would you say you're:
a) a rookie
b) talented intermediate, i can make you moan
c) a proficient and intuitive lover, you will cum simply from the thrill of my tongue
d) expert: oral is merely a stop on the cum rollercoaster. the sheer anticipation of what i will do next to your nether regions is enough to make you cum
this isn't like Bull Durham baseball where the rookies get to experience the field showers and women reporters' legs.
i had a dream where i was on the Pirates ride at Disneyland all alone. anticipating making love on that boat for the first time. boats are romantic. i was all ready, i was dressed to the nines up to my ruff in my Victorian garb with the hole cut out and everything...
BUT THIS just happens to be the day when Johnny Depp visits the set, it wasn't gonna be any of the animatronic mannequins. i don't know any of this cos i keep my eyes closed at all times, the ever romantic thing to do. plus i'm blindfolded with a pirate's tourniquet. i wasn't gonna see if that Twilight Zone episode was real and if sentience is triggered in inanimation by love.
instead...well let's just say i made a mess of Johnny's marriage. and for that i am eternally sorry. sure it was also all that mescaline he took to play Hunter S. Thompson but. we'll never get 21 Jump Street freshfaced Johnny at the door with a rose and ska hair again.
4. which onscreen sex scene would you recreate:
a) pottery, Demi and Patrick, Ghost
b) Love and Basketball, Monica's first time
c) the train scene from Risky Business, Rebecca De Mornay and Tom Cruise
d) Jessica Lange and Jack Nicholson kneedeep in the kitchen scene from The Postman Always Rings Twice
e) eight minutes of pure sex from Blue Is The Warmest Color
f) Brokeback Mountain iconic love scene: Heath and Jake
a) i want Demi in her sexy kitten phase with her smoker's voice doing The Major from Ghost In The Shell
b) Love and Basketball Diaries: Sanaa Lathan and Leo DiCaprio are OTP
c) same but i'd have them do a REAL train on each other, which incidently was the Big Bang which created Scientology
d) you know i saw the porn version of "The Postman Always Rings Twice" called of course The Postman Always Cums Twice, which also starred Jack Nicholson...
e) from now on whenever someone tells me of their seven minutes in heaven, i can point to these eight minutes and have them beat. i tried explaining this film to my colorblind friend but it was a lost cause.
f) i'd have the iconic "can't quit you" scene on a neverending loop in my theatre showing of the film as a sweet tribute: that scene would play on a continuos loop, never quitting...
5. on a scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you with the amount of time you have for sex? (10=super satisfied)
i only need a minute
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