1. your lover LOOOOVEEESS to talk during sex. what is it you want to hear them say?
do it. DO IT. recite the stock market in Klingon. nothing big, just that i fill her empty hole when her mother abandoned her, just stuff like that. and that she loves my balls more than her Stone Spheres of Costa Rica.
2. you have been offered a posh, all-expenses-paid voyage aboard Richie Rich's opulent yacht to a sunny tropical island. only thing is you must sit on deck naked---sunning, sipping your favorite drink, eating your favorite foods. would you do it...take the fantastic voyage naked? don't forget to wave to all the other boats and passersby.
it would go down something like this:
Phoenix (me): is it still a Fantastic Voyage if you're too miniature for anyone to see you naked?...
Phoenix: thank you but i'm not a boat guy.
Wendy: i'm not into hamburgers. especially when they're square, i want my burgers to be free and sizzle past the shackles of civilization and rave. glow but not cos they're filled with chemicals. i'm a vegan witch, i only eat spirit animals.
Phoenix: so Lonely Island...
Lisa Simpson: Costa Rica's not an island...
Phoenix: why is there so much egg nog this time of year?
Jimmy Buffett: gotta have someplace to put the rum.
Phoenix: i only play one sport naked.
Casper: *blushes* do tell.
Phoenix: shuffleboard.
Casper: but where's the shuffleboard disc?
Phoenix: find it, it's somewhere on my body...
Richie Rich: i built a gold tennis court on my yacht!
Phoenix: but you don't play tennis!
Richie Rich: even I can beat down that Greek upstart! I'M the magnate here!!!
as i wave, i notice the Titanic...
3. if you worked in human resources and two equally-qualified applicants were up for the same one position in the company but one of them is listed on their resume as a stripper as a past job would you hire that person?
i never mean to be discriminatory but i'd hire the stripper on the spot over the nonstripper. more experience in life, they would have such stories, child! you could fill a book with them! i'm assuming this is a publishing house. if it's a papers like David Brent's The Office, that's another matter cos then it would be more about the paper than what's on the paper. their stripper pole would have a dual-function: it would serve as the company fire-escape as well. hook up a sex-swing to every office ceiling so you don't get bored to death looking at stuck pencils, that increases productivity. do companies even exist anymore? it's all done by computer now, right? no need for buildings.
4. is your dating game high-tech or low-tech? my dating game is Zack-Morris-Grey-Brick-Phone tech
5. what's the most disappointing text you've ever received? you can give us the context or just the text:
text context, love the wordplay. well it was one sent by Billy. he told me my broken arm wasn't healing fast enough and he'd have to do the tour without me, even tho he'd just kissed and made up with Jimmy after all these years, my ex. and then dude has the nerve to get up on stage after his number he wrote himself and show with a hologram a blonde woman who looks suspiciously like me and the caption under reads:
we tried to get her help. she refused all our advances. she reneged on our deal. she loves drugs and her horses more than the music and you fans. she's like a Gallagher brother. she's a lost cause.
me and D'arcy
BONUS: what's your best advice for boosting someone's sex drive: Boost Mobile
CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY
No comments:
Post a Comment