WHERE DO WE ALL COME FROM? ANSWER: IHOP

notes:

* girl: *puzzled* mom, why do we always come here for the holidays?
mom: i don't know, sweetie, no one does. it's an Unseen Force that drives us to this place every year around this time when the air starts to chill and children sing in the streets for their supper and scarves. i don't have to drive the hearse limo, it drives us here itself. it's like an Invisible Hand...
girl: up the ante and raise my allowance and we'll talk Smithian Economics. mom, why did you make me make those Black Santa cookies from scratch last night in the middle of the night? i was tired and wanted to sleep.
mom: never mind that, sweetie, they want what they want. they told me they weren't monsters they are just really desperate to make non-goth friends. the lady of the house was quite striking. then i noticed more closely at her Infinity Mobius scarf and the scarf was a whole bunch of families of spiders...
mom: i asked her about it as babes do...she told me it was her whip in the bedroom...i mean that's too much sexiness right there. a goth that's into S&M? unheard of.
girl: dad told me you were never thirsty enough. even for IHOP monster hot cocoa. mom, where's dad?
mom: your father was such a noble man. he wasn't much of a lover but he gave the best handjobs. his name was Thing T. Thing...

* cop from Gargoyles: how'd you find great-grandma's recipe?
Kurt Cobain's sister: look, i have some secrets about your grandma you ain't gonna like. ancestry.com ain't all rainbows and unicorn farts, sometimes it's troubling. i know all the Pacific Northwest scoop. seems grannie was into training in Oregon......i wouldn't sip that soup, it's full of creatine…grannie thought she was creating the world...

* boy: we're related to them?
dad: to kings and queens? to jokers and jacks and spades? you best believe, sons! you sons are my Royal Court and Meghan Markle opened it up for the rest of us! we taking over!
boys: dad, what happened to mom?
dad: she kissed The Queen on the mouth and that went against Brexit protocol. see?! a lot of good can come from playing Solitaire!

* girl brushing her teeth: we're Portuguese? i thought we were Hungarian?
Bernie Sanders: everyone's related to Ronaldo. Hungary is one of those democracies that's not really a democracy…

* blonde girl: grandpa, can you tell me the story again?
grandpa adjusts his glasses.
grandpa: FUCK GODDAMNBITCH! FUCKING HOT COCOA BURNING MY DENTURES!!! IT BURNS!!! IT MONTGOMERY BURNS!!!
girl runs under table.
grandpa: sorry about that, sweetie. um, can i borrow your glasses? i can't read this goddamn screen. i can't see a christ thing.
girl: i don't need glasses, i was born after 2020, remember?
grandpa: right. well it all started one day in 1989 when my friend Krist and i decided to make a new sound in my garage. to this day i thought i was following Christ...
girl: they said you killed youself cos you weren't a good gardener or something?
grandpa: hey are you checking those Green books out of the school library again? i can't die, i'm a god. true, disappointing sales of my solo album made me depressed. more depressed. not just attributable to a seasonal Seattle storm. but i was all cured after Tony Robbins punched me in the face.

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happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Jack In The Box pairing the Really Big Chicken Sandwich with the Sourdough Jack like a cabbie and chardonnay Rescue Rangers cheese

my tooth is acting up again. always happens when the temperature dips. time for my annual placing ice cubes under my gums…