OFF THE AIR: WATER(S IS A GENIUS)

notes:

* it's the guy from Toto! so THAT's how they made their unique sound.

* it's a chocolate bar, get your mind out of the gutter. you know what the first music was? the human voice? nope, the flute.

* the scantron proves Pinocchio wasn't lying. a scantron is Pinocchio's tongue, think about that the next time you're late for a pop quiz.

* that finger is plastic...…...this will attract the birds…

* next time you're homeless, pretend your body is a jelly mermaid to cope

* a tomato is just a sour pomegranate

* Bowie?

* trash day was today

* but who draws the drawer's hand?

* lines are nothing without dots...…...your house was the butterfly in the riddle, see?...blueprints are never blue, they're happy occasions, they indicate progress...if chickenbones foretell the future, what was that chicken's future?...

* math was created by China...

* this WON'T be like all those other life coaches on Instagram, she has a unique way of combating anxiety

* coffee with lime juice. right? you've never tried it before have you...

* you gotta give me credit, i'm homeless but i REFUSE to remove my cosplay costume for job interviews

* i don't know whether it's introducing trash into my life or my lifelong obsession with latex rubber, but suddenly i could scale walls like SpiderGwen

* people think i'm Santa with this pouch!

* okay, all this stuff is melting into a black ooze but REPEAT repeat this is NOT Venom. focus more on the global-warming aspect of this. look at me, i'm Goofy with M&Ms in my hand!

* not blackface, a moisture mask. i saw James in my apartment...cos he had bought my apartment...

* do you know how much money people spend to soak in lava baths like this in Scandinavia?

* i don't have to buy new clothes every week now, i just wear this trash can. plus it's so heavy i always stay skinny. my loved ones envy me. by loved ones i mean Jimmy. Jimmy's just mad cos his hair is yellow so he has to sneak behind blinds all day or the sun will kill him. all my followers agree my way of living is best. all my followers are in this trash can with me...

* plastic trash bag: sonny, help an old lady down the street!
Phoenix: um, i'm not into riddles, lady.
plastic trash bag: no, it's me, Phoenix, Eagle, your nana!
Phoenix: nana?
plastic trash bag: your mother always called me an old bag...

* makeup artist: they should have done the ThunderCats reboot with me. their loss.
Trash Man: you said you'd never break the chain. but look at your dangling earrings!
makeup artist: they golden, fool. we're not getting back together, Doug.
Trash Man: my therapist said i had to live a day in your shoes.
makeup artist: next time, just borrow my shoes. you always had more shoes than me during the relationship.
Trash Man: thank you for that used makeup cotton. this is foreplay, right?

* Tree Woman: Vern.
Vern: yes, Ernestine? i didn't die from exhaustion, i just needed to rest. like for three years. i was still for three years, people thought i was a tree.
Vern: it's not lumberjacks. they're not gay enough. you miss Mike all of a sudden?
Tree Woman: he was the real leader of Pearl Jam. his jam that came out of him, no maple syrup could ever touch.
Vern: this is bad. let's run. *snap* i just split myself in two.
Tree Woman: Mike? the Eddie Vedder Solo Project ain't going so good.
Mike: yeah i work for the Annoying Orange now, so. it's a fate worse than Hell. i'm a toolbox. there's no reason to have a wood toolbox, there are plastic toolboxes. yeah, humans need wood for everything: making life and for books with Flat Earth Theory. watch out, that first timber is a doozy...…...well at least we know now that it DOES make a sound.
Tree Woman: i'm unsconscious.
Vern: yeah you are.
Mike: yeah humans don't read magazines anymore so...

* Planet B: shhhh! maybe if we use all the trash here and make them into animal shapes the humans won't notice. it'll be like balloon animals...

* Trump: i knew it. wind energy is just using all the plastic straws!

* finally, a use for empty toiler-paper rolls and Q tips

* you don't need a bottle opener if you don't drink

* the answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind…(we are trash)…

* scooterer: i was using this digital number on my dash to monitor my heart rate, but i guess it doesn't matter now.
Eco Leader: isn't the Golden Gate beautiful?
scooterer: please, not now, it's too late. it's not even golden, it's over. at least in my final act, my life will have meant something: i will form part of the letter to the #DISRUPT we're all gonna form in the ocean. huh, the bridge spans are actually theatre ropes, ironic, yes?
Eco Leader: thing is, who's gonna clean up all these gas-guzzler scooters when y'all gone?

* if we DID have a Planet B, we'd just put all our trash there…

* most of these plastic bottles contained a fluid Frank Thomas promised...

* the slinky just never caught on

* Garbage Patch: i'm the real Eye of Sauron.
Sauron: it's Talk Like A Pirate Day ERRYDAY. sorry.

* Toto: to this day NO ONE gets that the Africa song is not about Africa...

* water should never be bottled. water is water.

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Popeyes still has the Chicken Sandwich, right?