CROSSINGS: GRINNYGOG NOG

Fiona Hill: a-HA!!! you thought i'd have an AMERICAN accent, huh? fooled ya.

Julia Ioffe eats in the Hearing Room in her magical way of chewing without making a sound.

Julia: i'm eating chechil like Churchill but i ain't drunk! i'm simply standing directly behind her in the pew learning from the bitchin'est babe on the planet! i want to be YOU someday, Fiona Hill!

Fiona: i ain't dying on YOUR hill, Mr. Corrupt-In-Chief! i'm going up to THIS Hill instead!

President Bump: it don't matter. you're a British spy, you're working with my friend Bojo to overthrow the government---OUR government---but all that matters is you looka like a man...…...i meant no offense, just doing the MAD TV skit, that's all folks, just here to entertain...MAD TV is WAY better than SNL...

Bump: hey Kaep, i'll make you an offer you can't refuse: join my Arena Football team.

Kaep: okay, no I'LL make you an offer: i'll drop this...everything...if you in the media---ESPN---do me this ONE favor: don't show that helmet-as-a-weapon tape even ONE more time! i had to watch that same film over and over and over again, it replayed in my mind when i tried to sleep, i couldn't sleep, completely fucked up my workout routine, couldn't remember my scheme patterns, and my audition went over like a musical-theatre-geek's audition for Hamilton who's not named with three names. it's YOUR fault, ESPN, i would have been Action Jackson by now! i had to chuck my tv out my brick-apartment window, i couldn't take it anymore, it made me sick to my stomach, i don't have to do stomach-muscle-squats now for a year. crunched my crunches and my crushes flew away. it went poorly and i am poorly.

Antonella Barba: you ask me who'll do more jail time, me or Lori Loughlin? well that's an interesting philosophical existential question: cos it comes down to who society thinks is more hot...

Bill Cosby: it's all a setup of course, a societal setup.

Rubikon: i hear ya, brother. btw do they call you Jello in the big house? see MY big house is the Cream House. they've never wanted to see a black man succeed. i was one of the few of my generation of youngbloods that stopped eating cake after your speech. ironically, i started working out with weights like they do in prison. i never had any pants of my own to pull down, i had to play with my needle and thread, i was already mooning like a 49er and sticking my sweetback up The Man's ass. see actually, this is a situation---who broke out of jail---of generational disconnect. you urged all us next-gen brothers who grew up with you like our very own Mister Rogers to do good in school and become somethings other than bloods. it just so happens that one took your advice to heart and became a too-good comedian...

Joe Pera: i am Millennial Mister Rogers.

Cosby: i am going to the next Cosby Con to try on my Cosby cosplay. shh, don't tell anyone. the inmates have taken a liking to me, call me professor, Professor Pudding, and they've come up with an ingenious way to make pudding pops using the toilet hole.

Pat Sajak: and?......AND?!......AND!!!

Teuila Blakely: time for my weekly roundup. so, yeah, that happened. i don't know what that says about her psychologically but Roxy plays evil WAY better than she does playing nice. her nice is rather unconvincing. okay honestly this WHOLE time i've been doing the show i had no idea this all takes place in Los Angeles. nobody ever told me, no director/producer/writer. i just assumed this was New Zealand...

Rubikon wheels out a stripper pole onto the stage. he exits then returns later entrancing with a blonde wig on. the crowd lets out a collective groan.

Rubikon: BAN SHADOWBAN!!! it's time!!! this is ridiculous. i mean what are the strippers and bellydancers of the world supposed to do? they can't show their wares, their essences, on Insta! i know they can all pretend to be a man named Leslie for now, but women must be free to be women! they all get shadowbanned for showing even the slightest skin, this model is unsustainable, you're gonna have to show skin eventually, what happens when it's hot out? who decides what nude is artistic? an actual artist or some nameless faceless Safeway boardroom in New York? they shadowbanned me. they said it would last two weeks. then they said it was low-key permanent. they tell me to leave for awhile, but if you leave for too long the system thinks your page is actually spam. so keep using it everyday, keep doing what you do, KEEP DOING YOU.

the crowd erupts in a collective chant of SHOUTAGE!!! SHOUTAGE!!! SHOUTAGE!!!, Rubikon's new word for a PG&E outage.

Llywarch: meet my friend Gaucelm. my Laertus is busy these days with his other stuff. i know i know, getting a college degree is necessary in this world. not in my world tho. it's okay, i can wait, he's worth the wait. Gaucelm is from an alternate dimension, it's like the Her situation where you're loving a billion people at one time but each one is unique and special and i'll never love anyone the way i love Laertus...

Laertus: there are two types of old ladies on Instagram: those that you crack their generational barriers and they become your bestest friend. and the other type who were batty crusts from the start and will always hate young people cos they think all young people are weird. keep young people weird. well MY old lady was...both types...but it was too late for us to make amends. turns out the Treehouse is opposite her house where she used to live, tho it was covered by a line of thick trees so i never saw it. she died before i could say sorry to her face. i learned later from the Mexican workers at her house work site that all she wanted to do was go to Krogers to ask around for workers to spruce up her crumbling house: her husband had died recently and her roof was leaky, the foundation frame was ready to come off falling like a Buster Keaton timber. it's just she never learned how to communicate properly with anybody so she insulted people not like her. it's a shame, i think she really would have enjoyed my particular sense of humor had she lived long enough to understand it.

Dirg: i wouldn't be so sure.

Laertus: but we managed to share one last holiday thing together before she passed to the underworld...

the crones are still at odds. even if their witch cards show even suits. but Doryce is doing everything in her power---her Doryce damndest---to try to make amends and get the love back flowing. and she has a tremendous amount of power:

Gladyce is still shacked up at the Coronado. when Doryce arrives flying through the window---not on a broom mind you---she find her beloved Gladyce sprawled facedown on the carpet floor and whatever speech she had planned goes out the window.

Doryce: OMG! oh my Goddess! MY GLADYCE! BE OKAY!!!

she rushes to scoop her up in her arms.

Gladyce: *drowsy* i'm okay, dear, just really tired...hey! i'm still mad at you!

Doryce: come on. i came to...apologize. tell me what's wrong and i shall fix it, why are there an infinitesimal amount of the tiniest pieces of plastic you ever did see all strewn into the carpet fibers here?

Gladyce: what's the point, whatever i say, you never retain, you never listen to a word i say so why should i talk.

Doryce: hey, i'm the blind one here, remember!? i'm the younger one! you're the one who...nevermind. where does all this agonizing plastic come from?

Gladyce: i'd use the vacuum but it costs extra. i'd use my broom but i forgot it at home. so i painstakingly got on my knees and picked up EVERY last one of those bugger bastard lil pieces---a billion in all---on my old bad back. and of course there are STILL MORE! i was so exhausted i died.

it takes an hour of sleuthing but Doryce finally discovers the culprit: she opens the closet door and there hiding is Gladyce's cat familiar. the cat had grown lonely at the Treehouse so flew over and perched on Gladyce's dresser, a dresser with a clear plastic coating on top obscured from view by the cat licking his paws and sinking his clawed paws on the sheer sheet. it was this constant bunching up into a circle the cat did on the sheet which caused all the billion pieces of tiny plastic that look like dried glue shards to fly everywhere and land on the carpet.

Doryce: see? you need me. now how bout we share a Popeyes Cajun turkey together naked in this haunted hotel tub with the traces that aren't stains but psychic body energy. gotta use the tub sometime, right? what are you thankful for this year, dear?

Gladyce: not you.

Doryce: come on. i learned a lot our time away from each other. i tried to buy you the perfect gift but now i know the best gifts are the ones done together. come into the bathroom with me and i'll show you what i mean...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh just how the café counter should be risen up---raised---to avoid people coming over the wall but it has nothing to do with a white waitress and a brown customer. oh YEAH! i now know who Hunter S. Thompson sounds like! a Muppet!

Dirg: if only we could all go back to the days of Hunter S. Thompson's brand of casual racism.

Eye: any toonami/cartoon stuff, Tyzik?

Tyzik: that Simpsons. everyone thinks Washed Out comes from Portland, but he's actually from the Atlanta music scene.

Laertus: if Matt Groening never created The Simpsons he would have created Portlandia. you know why Matt Groening never does interviews? you never see him around? dude has 8 kids.

Dirg: and he's married to one of the many MANY offspring which sprung from Picasso's cube butthole. i never pronounced it GRANING, it was always GROANING to me. i've never seen Portlandia. i always thought it was a sitcom but apparently it's sketch comedy?

Laertus: it's this generation's Northern Exposure. i need to go to a Portland peace place now, an oasis of calm creativity away from all the crazy.

Dirg: btw, when did Portland become the Portland we now know? like in my dad's day, Portland was just Portland. what year did all the Portlanders decide we were going for it and we were gonna be weird no matter what the drawbridge does.

Kurt Cobain: they were always jealous of us, they wanted to be Seattle so bad.

Tyzik: Food Wars. it's like...but...

Eye: butt?

Tyzik: like why does the dude in the apron have to be naked?

Eye: cos he wears an apron. it's very European.

Tyzik: so i guess that was lemon tea. Michael Jackson is still big in Japan. i gotta admit, i did not see that coming, Ami being the ginger dude's daughter. Lupin is Snowden and the ginger dude is Zuckerberg. the tickle machine, i thought you were supposed to make HIM laugh. Dr. Stone, the two girls are related to Ivanka, right? Bump is in the Dr. Stone world after all. Black Clover only got good 90 episodes in.

Eye: the Lizzie McGuire reboot and go! OMG i LOVED Lizzie McGuire!

Laertus: my favorite show as a boy. a simpler time, helping the grieving world through 9/11. when a growing person's greatest concern was her hormones and smelly armpits. can you imagine 9/11 happening NOW in this charged atmosphere? and the writing! the writing in that first-episode pilot was...in a word: FANTASTIC!

Eye: yep. all of the characters are already so sharply defined, you know this show would be nothing without those two parents. the mom and the dad were FABULOUS actors. it really wasn't about the three kids at all. especially the mother, i LOVERED her! i took her as my own mom. her lines were so cleverly-written, she even had her relationship with her husband---the dad---defined, she had a patois with him, she was jealous when Lizzie came to him for her secret problems instead of her.

Dirg: did Lizzie just say there was a striptease on the school bus? or naked bingo or something? this is a Disney show, right? the annoying little brother is still happy to this day, that's a rare feat! has that smug smile on his face still. he should star in the Revenge of the Nerds reboot.

Antonella Barba: do you think Hilary Duff felt as awkward as Lizzie growing up? what i'm asking is is it possible to have a blonde girl nerd?

Bump: the other Hilary. everyone's special in their own way.

Laertus: sure. she was a child star after all. but that particular brand of torture that is a Disney child star, few make it out alive.

Teuila: Hilary Duff didn't really give that bloke a blowjob moments after he proposed to her, right?

Eye: notice how Lalaine is not in the reboot?

Laertus: there should be one episode in the new show where adult Lizzie helps out an anonymous mononymous friend who remains nameless in the shadows of the mean streets of the city but Lizzie helps her get off the drugs. are they still doing the cartoons with this, too?

Dirg: yep. they should be adult cartoons now...

Dirg: Blair Witch was still HUGE back then, it's used as a reference point. why didn't the three stars of that film become big stars?

Laertus: why didn't the two psychiatrist parents of Gordo alert us to the dangers of a reality-movie like Blair Witch tricking the public into thinking fiction is a documentary? they could have saved us from the intractable mess we're all in today where we'll never agree to a shared set of facts ever again.

Eye: yeah, you could tell this was a simpler time. "Why Can't We Be Friends" plays in the background...

Laertus: everyone was wondering what would come next after grunge. we were all sorely disappointed...

Dirg: Gordo, definitely the son of two psychiatrists. he of course grew up to be Craig on Degrassi. whatever happened to Craig?

Eye: he's starring in not one but TWO Christmas tv-movies! one Christmas movie about Hanukkah.

Teuila: all Canadian actors and actresses who are ex-Degrassiers HAVE TO do a Lifetime or Hallmark Channel movie next, that's your Shortland Street for Power Rangers.

Joe Pera: SVU is my favorite show. for obvious reasons. how did they do the Epstein episode so quickly? that all happened last week. Nic Turturro, he didn't need to do any background work for that role as an angry father with daughter babes, he simply had to think of Aroldis Chapman's smile and he was all set on set.

Eye: The Witches and the Grinnygog and go.

Doryce: another chance for the media to portray us. a delightful job they did, too! we ARE a happy-go-lucky bunch. for what do we have to be worried about!

Gladyce: wait, is your gift for me a Llewellyn's Witch?

Doryce: you'll see...……*grabs her by the scruff which is rough like a ruff*

Laertus: grinnygog, i guarantee an old lady came up with that name. a granny.

Dirg: a granny. otherwise known as an old betty, a gilf.

Laertus: uh, no.

Dirg: hey, all the witches i've ever known were hot. oh MAN this series! i mean it was awesome! that family, that fucking family, they treated the little brother like dirt. like absolute trash shit! that kid was baby Gordo!

Laertus: i never felt the words of The Boy Who Cried Wolf more searingly. felt sorry for that kid kid brother with the fro, all he did was believe in the damn Grinnygog! he had the balls to believe! AND HE WAS RIGHT, NOT THEM!!! how the hell did this tiny show get the rights to Human League's "Fascination"!? fascinating.

Eye: Nickelodeon owned by MTV...time for any ships...

Dirg: ...sorry to interrupt but the mom was a milf…...oh i know what you mean: we all saw it, the oldest brother and the oldest sister, they had it bad for each other, did you see the way the sister looked at the brother? they definitely fucked.

Eye: huh. gonna have to go back rewind and rewatch the tape.

Laertus: the Grinnygog itself was one of those creatures who was either a creepy Gremlin or a cuddly Care-Bear. we never find out, i was surpised the thing didn't come to life and start talking, but it always remained stoned. the little sister talking about becoming an actress...enjoy being a kid, kid.

Dirg: and this show delved many a lost soul into the perverse passion of puppetry and non-Catholic black-magic plastic sex dolls at an early age. this was Midsommar before we knew what Midsommar really was. this was like if the Brady Bunch's middle Bump Brady were British Paul Bunyan. and of course the black dude saves the day.

Laertus: black witchdoctor, so...oof...

Dirg: the black dude really wanted to put a love spell on the milf mom to seduce her, he did NOT want to go back to Africa...

crones: even we witches need to wash our knickers at the local general-store laundromat. dysentery is caused by detergent...

Eye: brothers preparing for Harvard crew. nobody can sing but they sing anyway.

crones: no Protestants allowed, dear, we deal in religion that is WAY older. WAY before Satanism. the ancienter the better cos it's closer to the source of all life. wanna join?

Eye: thank you for joining us. and of course the whole thing turns into a Monty Python cartoon.

Rubikon addresses the crowd:

Rubikon: so it's gonna be a lively Thanksgiving table this year! don't fret, follow my one easy step to survive. if you got a relative who's trying to be all edgy like Kanye, a brother wearing a red hat, when he sit down to say grace, get in his face and shout:

DO YOU BELIEVE IN JUSTICE!!?

that's it. that's all the prayer you need. and then you take his red hat, flip it over like a Yankee cap, and pour all the cranberry sauce you're gonna serve the family into it, it's the perfect tray to serve it on, it fits like big tits, red-for-red. hey out there in the wild sometimes you see red and can't control yourself...

at the Hearings, there's one last surprise witness: Rubikon. he sits down politely and cranes the mic to his lips:

Devin Nunes: opening statement from this witness?

Rubikon: milk milk lemonade, around the corner fudge is made, stick my sweetback up your hole, and out comes a...

Devin Nunes: that's quite enough. i object. and i yield back my time.

Rubikon: i have just one question for my Member if i may?

Devin Nunes: highly irregular.

Rubikon: Jamie Lee Curtis won't talk to you but maybe Alyssa Milano will. i heard she likes horses. Nunes you nefarious nitwit ninja, will you promise me that you'll FINALLY answer my question truthfully when we're both in Hell?

the crowd in back wants to erupt in applause. but they're not allowed to.