BOXED: THE STONES BEFORE THE STONES

Tamron Hall takes a deep breath and steps out onto the stage of her future. but before that she is accosted in the Hall.

by her old flame Lawrence O'Donnell:

Larry: hopefully i didn't damage you too much. why did you wait so late to conceive your first child? you're a gilf before you were ever given the chance to be a milf. why didn't we have a kid?

Tamron: i loved you, Big OD, but your socialist swimmers freaked me out, you know? like i just kept thinking of East Germany the whole time, our bed became an Olympic pool.

Larry: you are throwing shade on that promo for your show. Today took away your dream? i had nothing to do with that.

Tamron: same old same old. you can have a dream...unless Jay Leno has the same dream. are you sure you had nothing to do with Prince?

Larry: Tammy please!

Tamron: it's Tamron, you never once called me Tamron. it's just...strange things happen in elevators…

at the NBC Studios to the right, Shane Gillies is clearing out his locker.

Pete: that was really my locker.

Shane: i accept the decision. watch me on youtube, everybody...actually, don't.

Andrew Yang: 4%...

Shane: sales tax, life tax, or tip? i'm free for lunch, Andrew. Chinese?

Laertus: it should have been Liz Gillies, SHE needs to host SNL years ago! or be a cast member!

Eye Luggage: she's my Cecily Strong. i dream about her but that's about it. i have no confidence ever since my hammer left.

Vic Mignogna: Cancel Culture, right? it's so stupid!!! Cancel Cancel Culture! Cancel Culture presumes that humans are incapable of making mistakes, that they must be perfect from the womb and never trip up. it's a very un-Catholic way to be. if i could not be human right now and turn into a kawaii dinosaur i would. all i'm asking is for a second chance. i am sorry. and my wallet is sorry! limit me if you must, i'll only do highpitched squealing little-girl voices from now on.

Gohan descends and lands on the lonely mountain where Vic is eating vegan beans out of a can.

Gohan: why'd you call me a fag? i'm a family man.

Vic: that wasn't me! how could i have planted that, i'm up here on the mountain! the only plant i plant is mids. uh, meds. nothing wrong with being a fag, especially if you're also a Christian.

Gohan: i'm not a Christian, i'm a Christian Mystic. see the blue sparkling glowing light all over my body?

Vic: yeah what is that exactly?

Gohan: it was Ultra Instinct or Super Saiyan Blue before those were named and made famous. the real question is, why are YOU blue in the face right now?

Vic: i got a bad case of blue balls...i REALLY need to get back to work...

at the Debate:

Biden: the real question is, do YOU know if you're Julian or Joaquin? forget already?

Julian Castro: i'm the Joker.

Biden: no I'M the Joker, have you seen my smile?

Chris Matthews in the Chamber:

Chris: i'm sick of being a Senator's lapdog, I want to ask the questions! are you a Bump flunkie!? is that what you are!? A BUMP FLUNKIE!!?

Lewandowski: ask me after the Election.

Chris: *growling* LAPDOG!!!

President Bump: what's with all the animal noises? okay, Pence, come on in, i won't bite.

Pence pops his head in, checks right then left then left again, then enters.

Bump: it was a nickname, Pence, that's all. a lovable cuddable nickname. i still won't have a pet but YOU will have a pet! wanna meet her?

Pence: female. good. okay, as long as it's not too...

Bump: it's a cat.

Pence: oh good. sigh of relief. i thought you were gonna trot out a kangaroo or something...

Dean Winters comes in with a cat collar around his neck and pounces Pence in the face.

Felicity Huffman gets out of prison just in time to play Kim Clijsters in the movie...

Clijsters: i LOVE little triangular whitebread sandwiches with the crusts cut off! no meat, just cucumber...

Dirg: i mean do you still say "sick" when you're 30?

Laertus: do you still go to the mall when you're 30?

Eye: hey, whatever works, right?

Dirg: you still think she's attainable, don't you? you still think she's cute. is that Diet Coke i smell under your breath, young lady?

Eye: well of course i do. i mean she's been with everyone else in the world, right?

Eye: Mr. Federer, if you will, do the honors. the weather report...

Fed has been sleeping on the podcast couch for years now. with both eyes closed.

Fed: huh? what? wake me up? gogo boots? i'm turned. weather? right.

Laertus: like that new hurricane. you know i HATE looking at my tv now and seeing that Florida governor give the hurricane warnings, cos it should have been the black man who actually won the ship and the chip giving us the report!

Dirg: Andrew Gillies, right?

Fed: yeah right, that hurricane. that hurricane! which helped me win my last U.S. Open! man that was SO far and long ago...

the crones travel to Penistown. and take in the Penistown Paramount Cinema:

Gladyce: *the look* darling!

Doryce: what? i like this place. that's all. it's a good photo-op with the sign. i like signs from around the world. wish i got one from Bama.

Gladyce: so how did you like your cruise, babe?

Doryce: oh wonderful! you know the only reason i go on cruises is for the free drinks.

Gladyce: can bleu cheese be in a can? can it be sprinkled? or does it need to be gooey?

Doryce: always choose gooey. Parmesan Cheese, the green cans, it's the great quandary, do you refrigerate the parmesan cheese or leave it in the still-broken-door cupboard after opening?

Gladyce: the great spiritual quandary, dear. it's sold at The Store on those shelves, not in the freezer section.

Doryce: yes, but they say putting it in the fridge keeps it fresh, makes it last longer.

Gladyce: but wouldn't that dry out the cheese? make it hard? make it into a cheese stone, a hard ball in a can?

Doryce: don't get me heated, honey, i'm horny now!

Madame Pons: what do you want me to do with your channel and all your followers, Sue?

Sue Su: put them in a Doctor Who holding pattern for now, a floating sleeping 100-year coma.

Pons: *looking at huge tri-screen* you got a LOT of followers! and they all got torches! what did you promise these folks?

Sue: i was bottling my bathwater and selling it online. but as you know, i need a break.

Pons: perhaps something less enticing more enlightening. there we go. see? better than a black screen, aye? maybe if you steered these folks in a different direction, deflate the situation, less anger and more light, healing the hate. give them something to grow on like those enriching Betty Whitebread commercials from the '80s, commercials now are all about stupid stuff like chicken nuggets. let me try something here. put the camera on me:

Pons: hello world. and greater universe. -es. think about this tonight as you sleep with your torch under your bed:

something you do now might not manifest in your life for 10 years. that's right, a decade will pass before that thing you did now reverberates in the stream and rewards you with a new "coincidental" running into your soul mate at the toy store or a new job offer cos the merge just happens to go under. but see our society is so wired for immediate instant DM satisfaction gratification the thought of waiting 10 years for something anything blows up our minds, not in a good way. 

good night. sweet decade dreams.

Sue: the smartphones are blowing up! you're getting a billion new followers, not my followers, YOUR unique followers!

Linzess woman: they will not replace us. babes with big butts i mean. you see the new Linzess commercial? what is that!? first of all it's two stories in one, that never works. the man and the woman, at least make them a couple in the end. second, a woman skating on ice not half-naked at the Olympics? that's never gonna sell. nor fly. up.

Laertus: i appreciate the new IHOP item, the Haunted Coffee, very nice, i want to see how that tastes, what flavor the foam is. black licorice? but NOTHING AND I MEAN NOTHING is worth traveling that long 10-hour Salinas country road, NOTHING! NO NEW TASTE is worth it! sorry, IHOP. nice commercial tho.

Eye: Cokie Roberts died. she was a gilf. or a grand-gilf.

Dirg: from an overdose, right?

Laertus: uh, no. she created the soft liberal sound that's music to my ears. debate, discussion, not shock jocks. tote bags not tough talk. she reminded me of my aunt who lives in Manhattan Beach and winters in Maine with Barnesy and the brew crew.

Dirg: same. that's why i got itchy whenever i saw her on screen. too remindy of my family gets you no points with me.

Eye: Children of the Stones, go.

Laertus: this was something! brilliant. it had that vibe of something Doctor Who would steal from later on...

Dirg: back when kids were kids! and not such pussies! kids could take this sort of hard thing. hair on their breasts. make them question the faith they were brought up in. make them scared, terrified, horrified of light! more Halloween, less Christmas!

Cotard: you know this was Man's first representation of his native understanding of what The Stones were. later, The Rolling Stones rolled along flattening everything in their path, making The Stones into roadkill pancakes in their '70s hippie bus and stole all the copyrights. Mick had a big mouth so everybody listened to him. of course you humans don't REALLY know what The Stones are even now, haven't come close, scratched the surface, the wrong surface. the answer still lies in space...

Eye: bring back bellbottoms! and boys with dodgy floppy hair and open shirts. David Cassidy be still my heart!

Dirg: David Dementia in his later years. how did the son get cool hair from his father's fro?

Laertus: science, he was a scientist, they both were. science is cool.

Dirg: squireboy hair. this played around with the whole Loop thing before Lost tried it. the neverending ending that loops back and starts at the beginning again.

Laertus: oh man, it was so interesting to see that back in the '70s cutting-edge technology were those computers the size of buildings. like these tall computer towers were marketed as The Scary Future, there'd be a tall computer tower the size of a skyscraper in every home soon!

Eye: yeah, even the mere concept of a computer was this new unknown scary macabre thing. a non-human robot, a cold unfeeling machine. a COMPUTER? to calculate the stars? and the angle of the Light? to masterfully cull the herd and make better zombies!

Dirg: do you think the boy still did his homework on time throughout all the strange goings-on? i hate how we're in college and people are still calling this summer. once you're in school, summer is over!

Laertus: technically it is still summer. like technically you're "in college" in the sense that you're college-age.

Dirg: they had that big stone roundtable, what did they use it for? at least serve Roundtable Pizza on it as the bad guy foolishly reveals his master plan out loud.

Laertus: Dai was one of the characters, the name gives it away.

Dirg: the girl was cute, but so was her ginger mother---had the good Cecily genes. i'd touch my big stones i mean a big stone for a woman like that, a celt chick with floppy red hair, an Irish Tragedy Joycean lass with the existential forever fate so stream-of-consciousness you have to make up words for it. that celtic chanting music was creepy as fuck. effective. low and escalating quickly. like a Moonrise Kingdom choir. very low-tech special effects, but even i thought for a second there that the Stones were talking to me.

Laertus: what did i tell you about inhaling the unpopped popcorn.

Dirg: my headcanon is that the ginger mom was jealous of her daughter, cos the daughter had bigger tits than her. and a nicer butt. that's why she was subconsciously okay with letting her daughter join a dangerous cult. with her to keep an eye on her. a pretty stone is still a stone.

Eye: but she did not! believe me i checked the tape. there was no scene where they showed Red Mom's ass! it was so frustrating! i was so ready to push the button and stop the tape! on the mark i mean.

Eye: we'd like to thank the Home Run Inn here in Chicago for having us tonight as we podcast another John Hughes film, Pretty In Pink. thanks again. one night only we know, clean up after ourselves, no weekends.

Dirg: the name refers to when the Italian immigrants scored. in bed. and the deepdish was born.

Dirg: okay i'll start, this John Hughes...is a minor John Hughes, you know? minor leagues. it just doesn't seem as BIG as his other ones.

Laertus: true, it was intimate, more intimate, took place in a small town, they're always mining towns, true middle-class, working class, never any money, and always Molly Ringwald playing against type.

Dirg: Duckie. AMAZING performance, a cryer shame he didn't get the Oscar. i mean he's basically the girl's gay friend and yet we're supposed to believe he has a thing for her and wants to marry her someday.

Eye: yeah that was the thing in the '80s, those lines got crossed, it was the same subset of confusing feelings and emotions whether you were gay or the friendzone guy, you felt the same way, sidelined at the sunset. even if you were straight, you might as well have been gay for all the sex you never got. "friendzoned" wasn't a word in the '80s yet.

Dirg: why wasn't James Spader the love interest? he was WAY more compelling than the cipher who is the actual love interest, name escapes me. Spader was making some very cogent points, don't knock points off him just cos he's rich. bullies are people, too, they need love.

Laertus: no way Spader deserved the sweetness and light of Ms. Molly Ringwald! oh that brawl was real: the nerd with the silly hat CAN pummel the Miami Vice Ken. if you love someone you're willing to die for them, that's real strength, just ask Haku and Zabuza.

Dirg: this was Annie Potts's heyday. her Designing Women time when she was still the hot young nubile Southern belle babe, the milf, well at least the hot older sister who could still squeeze into leather pants. why'd they diss Madonna like that? cos she's new? teenagers back then were so lucky---lucky star---they could work at a record store as an actual legitimate afterschool job! can you imagine doing that today? what would that look like? what do you want us millennials to do next? actually bag our own groceries slash fast-food?

Eye: Annie was perfect for the Madonna biopic back then, she should have played her. or her part in Desperately Seeking Susan, the non-Madonna part.

Dirg: i know the highlight of this film is the Duckie Dance. but i gotta say, it was quite unmemorable for me, i forgot it as soon as i watched it. didn't copy it at my toilet later that night. poor Duckie, that's the beta's move, to make friends with the dad instead of just snatching the girl you want off her feet like the alpha would.

Laertus: Otis Redding was cool for teenagers back then, just think about that. a more tender time. heavy scene wth Molly and her dad, very Infinity Train. why didn't the mom stick around? her daughter is fucking Molly Ringwald! like honestly what mother would just abandon her family like that? my headcanon is that the mom got kidnapped Scientology-style and is currently serving as a silent maid for James Spader in his mansion, in the basement, she is sworn to secrecy and can't reveal her location or she doesn't get paid, she's secretly wiring the money to the family but it gets blocked by Spader secretly cos he's the only one on the block with a computer. there, in the basement, Spader teaches the mom the Tenets. and in my Infinity Train twist, Annie Potts is of course the mother!

Eye: in all fairness, the boy DID do the right thing in the end, he rejected his richness and his richieness and got the girl.

Laertus: yeah but we all know Duckie should have ended up with Molly, it's just cosmically right, always marry your best friend to avoid divorce. ALTERNATE ENDING IS CANON. but you know the studio really had an interesting take on why they went with what they went with: they were trying to avoid class warfare, they wanted to make it possible for a poor girl and a rich boy to be a real couple like that, no obstacles to love, no railroad TRAX in the way, to show that that was possible.

Eye: a girl can dream. but really all girls should marry their gay best friend.

at the con, Dirg is blending his tears, hiding them from the public, dunking his head under a green waterfall.

Laertus: hey buddy. why so glum?

Dirg: i'm not crying! i'm good. just depressed. i'm here at Dew Falls...

Laertus: come on, let's get a Sprite together.

Dirg: *crosses curse-mark with his fingers* hiiissssss! no Sprite! Sprite is false advertising! it's clear just like 7-Up but it's bottled in a green bottle to trick you. AND it has no caffeine! what's the point of drinking it?

Ghislaine Maxwell: have you tried Starbucks Oatmeal? you'd think Starbucks and oatmeal don't match...but the more you think about it, they do match. it's good! with the berries and everything, very hearty and heartwarming and filling. it sticks to my tit ribs.

Dirg: buddy, Etika, i've been thinking about him a lot lately. if he had been sent that Prince video as his last video to his phone's feed, everything would have changed for him and he'd be with us today. that Prince video where Prince warns about the dangers of the internet, way back in 1999 as The Matrix was just breaking the internet and was still a new concept. be on the computer, don't let the computer be on you. go beyond. use the computer, don't let the computer use you. there's a war going on: the battlefield is the mind, and the prize is the soul...