SESAME STREET GOT NOTHIN' ON MY HOOD

notes:

* Mister Rogers: what's with this song? the kids are singing bout all they want to do is get high. is this Sesame Street or Wonder Showzen?

* Mister Rogers: i was the original.
Aaron Rodgers: but look at my cool 'stache.
Mister Rogers: son that's an original '70s porn stache. i ran into them everyday in the halls, PBS and all the porn made in the world filmed in the same building in Van Nuys.

* Mister Rogers: you know i resented Sesame Street. they came on after us and had all the glamour and glitz and Daytime Emmys and all the puppets they wanted for free. we couldn't afford puppets, we had to do REAL acting. then, Jim Henson defected over to the dark side and i just about blew a gasket, i almost took my red sweater off. when Big Bird came to visit for a special crossover show i gave him a tour of the kitchen and my new stove...Big Bird said he couldn't enter the kitchen cos his neck was too long but he was skurred. Big Bird stayed outside the kitchen and admired the blinking yellow light of my big black street light.

* parents: remember how terrifying it was on that first day of school?...…...luckily for us we get to hang out around the bus here as we drop off our dazed kids and just take our time solely slowly sipping our coffee in yellow cups. *group laugh*
Mister Rogers: *awkward laugh after* haha...…...where's Big Bird?

* little girl: here's your straw fedora, mister, you a Communist Cuban?
old grandpa: no girl, i used to run the store here at Sesame Street. my name was Gordon. now it's #325647.
girl: what happened?
old grandpa: gentrification. i'm really Spike Lee aged rapidly.

* neighborhood kids: bitch i mean lady why are you a damn mail carrier? why aren't you in the NBA!!?
mailwoman: cos it's not really the NBA, it's just the WNBA.
neighborhood kids: those shorts are fly. why do you wear shorts instead of pants?
mailwoman: cos it's fucking hot, haven't you noticed!!? my forehead is sweating buckets but i can wear the ninja headband! imma school yo asses. hey what are you doing!!? why you comin' after me!!? oh, just a high-five.

* kids scream.
collective garden: haha, it's fun, kids! right? when i hose you down with water.
kids: STOOOOOPPPPP WASSSTTTIINNGG WAAAATTTEERR!!!! YOU'RE KILLING THE PLAAAAAAAAANET!!!
fire breaks out in the neighborhood...

* woman: a woman holding the door for another woman? are you gay?

* there's a little good around every corner. unfortunately there are no more corners in neighborhoods, they've all been sanded down...

* this is so arty and artsy we ain't even gonna show you their faces...the symbolism of that...we are all one...

* that's really a guy with a mullet
audience: how can you play the violin with the spotlight shining directly into your eyeholes?
girl/guy: um, i memorized it.

* i don't know how to climb up stairs. i've only ever used escalators my whole life. this isn't just a millennial thing.

* i hope my date's not allergic to ragweed…
date: buster, this is jimsonweed! what are you trying to say about me!!?

* bullied boy smiles at pretty girl.
basketball player smiles back.

* doctor removing his surgical mask sullenly: i miss House...

* that is so beautiful, THAT is country, outdoor wedding in the summer heat, gingham dress, stage lit up with Christmas lights in September, all it needs for a clincher is that she's marrying herself...

* you got the part?
i'm your soul mate
no the auto part

* dad: i'm dancing with you now cos i don't know if i'll make it to your wedding. you might become Royalty or i'll have to be forced to eat a veggie burger.

* Sandra Prinsloo: what's the big deal, right? i'm just dancing with my husband.
husband: i know, right?
Sandra: America? you had it easy! come down to South Africa some time!

* okay you can buy that knickknack but you also have to buy the refrigerator, they're a set, that's actually a magnet.

* how many damn rollers?
88, like a piano

* CANNONBALL!
wait, that's Infinity Train!!!

* like this, like this, salt bae
dead meme, bro. and it's insulting to do that in a real kitchen.

* see this dreamcatcher? it's gonna be my next thigh tattoo...

* i can't get any work done, all our offices are six panels of clear glass, we're constantly being spied on...

* so i'm appreciative of this birthday celebration. you've all gathered around my long table here. at night to keep me company from the weird noises i always heard. it's weird without a fire but they said that'd be a fire hazard. i see the concha is in the shape of conches, nice touch. and yeah so, well, not all of us from the island could be here tonight...*swats at flies*…

* manager: haul him away! he was flashing gang signs!
dj: that's just my finger symbols for BASS DROP. is this cos you don't like my choice of cake?

* i played it so good i turned into a woman

CLICK HERE

THEN HERE

happy weekend, my babies. my babies climate change is real, global warming is a thing, i've felt it personally. in my bones. it's fucking hot out here. so hot they cracked me. no not drugs, like an egg on any sidewalk in America---but more like Brooklyn with the jumprope and the hydrant-fountain and the Corner McDonald's under the stoop. i went to the Starbucks inside the McDonald's for some fuel, some nitro fuel for my rocket ship to Planet B which is Hoth. but the Nitro Cold Brew was just coffee.